Chapter Three
I hate the world today.
You're so good to me,
I know but I can't change.
Tried to tell you,
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath,
Innocent and sweet.
Yesterday I cried.
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side,
I can understand how you'd be so confused,
I don't envy you.
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I'm a bitch,
I'm a lover,
I'm a child,
I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner,
I'm a saint,
And I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell,
I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
So take me as I am,
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man.
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous,
And I'm going to extremes:
Tomorrow I will change,
And today won't mean a thing
Just when you think you've got me figured out,
The season's already changin'.
I think it's cool you do what you do
And don't try to save me.
I'm a bitch,
I'm a tease,
I'm a goddess on my knees.
When you hurt,
When you suffer,
I'm your angel undercover.
I've been numbed,
I'm revived,
Can't say I'm not alive,
You know I wouldn't want it any other way.
-Bitch
Meredith Brooks
*
"Damn you, Tonks!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
"THAT'S JUST MAKING IT WORSE!!!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"- Tonks repeated over and over as she hastened over to the shattered cauldron and tapped the tiny pewter pieces with her wand. "Reparo!" she said, watching the miniscule pieces stick together like glue. She could still see the cracks where the sides had split upon contact with the dungeon floor. "Wingardium Leviosa!" she whispered. The repaired cauldron hovered above the table that Tonks had accidentally pushed it from, causing a bubbling aqua potion to spill across the floor. Snape hadn't noticed yet.
"Miss Tonks?"
Take that back.
Tonks was startled by the greasy voice in her ear. The cauldron fell back to the stone floor and broke again into a million pieces. "Oopsy daisy," she whispered, more to herself than to the Slytherin whose cauldron she had just shattered for the second time. Snape permitted himself to an angry sigh as he went over (more like slid over, on his trail of grease) to the bubbling puddle of spilled potion and began to try to clean up the mess with his wand and some paper towels.
"Ten points from Gryffindor, for Miss. Tonks's chronic lack of coordination," he said, sweeping the liquid off the floor and back into the cauldron from whence it came with a wave of his wand. A blackened, steaming burnt spot was left behind once the potion was off the floor. The Slytherin that Tonks had offended glared at her from over his twice-in-two-minutes-repaired cauldron. Tonks gave him a weak smile as she went back to her own spot next to Keith and tried to find her place once more in the directions that were written on the board.
"Smooth," he said.
"Thanks," she shot back, adding an infusion of wormwood to her cauldron. The liquid steamed and made a whistling noise. The poisonous-looking bubblegum pink that the potion turned was a far, far cry from the aquamarine mess that had been cleaned up just minutes before, and it wasn't bubbling like it was supposed to. Instead, it was simmering strangely, yellow fumes rising from the shiny surface. The potion belched a single bubble, which hovered an inch above the surface of the liquid in Tonks's cauldron for a moment and then popped. Tonks stared at the vibrant color for a moment and then squeezed her eyes shut. A moment later her hair was exactly the same color as the stuff that was simmering in her cauldron.
"Will you be so kind not to distract my class with your morphing?" Snape said, striding over to where Tonks stood. He got a look at the potion and grinned (that was never a good thing, coming from Snape). "Take another ten points from Gryffindor," he said slickly to the class, squinting at the sickening color that the potion had become. "Are you capable of reading the directions?" he said more quietly in Tonks's ear. "Does it not state clearly on the board not to add an infusion of wormwood before adding the powdered dragon bone?"
"Yes, Professor."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, it does state on the board not to add an infusion of wormwood before adding the powdered dragon bone. Sir."
"This is not potions boot camp, Tonks," Snape said, the wicked smile gone, replaced with the greasy, angry look that he wore most often. "Take another ten points, and I expect to be treated with more respect in the future." He glided away over to the Slytherin side of the room and began conversing with some girl that had a forehead to rival the grease factor of Snape's oil-coated hair. Tonks stuck her tongue out at the retreating back of his robes and went over to the stone basins that lined the side of the room. She emptied her cauldron into one of the gray sinks. A stone gargoyle with long fingernails and a constipated look on his face was climbing over the rim of the basin. Tonks rinsed her cauldron out under a spout of icy, grayish water that spewed from the mouths of one of the gargoyle's equally constipated friends and then returned to her seat.
Potions was the last class of the day and when it was finally over, Tonks returned to the common room for a bit of a sit-down before dinner began. As a chance to make up for the zero points that she had earned that day in class, Snape was making her write two essays- a three foot one on following directions, and the other a two-foot long paper on how to make a proper energizing potion, which was what they had been trying to concoct in class today. Tonks pulled out a parchment and her quill and set them out on the table in front of her.
"Why can't they just teach us how to make coffee instead?" Tonks said, her quill making scraping noises against the rough surface of the parchment. "Life would be so much easier if they just taught us how to make good, extra-caffeinated coffee." She set the ruler next to the side of the parchment and started a new line, her writing getting bigger with every sentence.
"Why can't you just learn to read directions?" Marie asked from her perch on the corner of the table as Tonks measured her essay.
"Never have, never will," was her answer.
The common room gradually emptied out for dinner, and soon Tonks was alone with her parchment and some studious seventh year that was reading a book entitled N.E.W.T.s For Dummies. Feeling rather grateful that she hadn't descended to that low of a level yet (but she expected that she would soon), Tonks finished her first essay on following directions. I wonder if they make O.W.L.s for Dummies, she thought as she wandered down to the Great Hall, habitually glancing at the ceiling as she entered the cavernous room. The sky was blacker than she had ever remembered, and the stars gleamed white in a stark contrast. The Milky Way stretched through the center of the bewitched ceiling, like white brushstrokes that had been placed on the wrong canvas. Tonks crossed the room and sat at her place at the Gryffindor Table after a brief battle with her chair involving knocking it over. Dinner looked especially appetizing tonight, probably since there was less time to enjoy it because she was late. She loaded up her plate and began to eat, listening to conversation rather than taking part in it.
The boys were discussing Quidditch and the upcoming tryouts. "There was a notice posted on the bulletin board today," Keith said over his steak, "tryouts are Saturday afternoon, be there be square." He dug into his steak with a sharp knife and speared the piece on his fork. "How're your essays coming along, Tonks?" he asked.
Tonks shrugged. "How do any of my essays ever come along?" she answered.
"She's got a point," Smith said. "I dunno if I want to go out for Beater anymore…I think I'd take any position at this point."
"I'm just going out for everything," said Keith.
"I'm sticking with Chaser," Marie said. "It doesn't really matter that much to me if I get on the team or not, though, it takes so much time away from your work." Keith glared at her. "You can't pretend that studying isn't important! More important than Quidditch, even, its O.W.L. year, these are the tests that are going to change our lives!" Marie said. "You know I don't just want to study, having fun is good too, but I don't want to end up in some position like…" she looked furtively around the room, "in some position like Hagrid's, y'know?"
"Hagrid's cool," Keith said.
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," Marie replied quietly. Keith and Smith exchanged glances and shrugged. Girls confused them almost as much as Potions confused Tonks.
"Whatever," said Smith. "You can study all you want, just don't drag us into the pits of homework hell with you." Marie sat back in her chair, her eyebrows furrowed, her fork twirling between the fingers of her right hand. The four of them didn't speak for a minute, noise from either ends of the table intruding into their thoughts.
Tonks felt it her duty to lighten the uncomfortable atmosphere between the two boys and Marie, so she swallowed her mouthful of corn and said, "I think I might go out for Beater with you, Smith," she said, her voice light. Smith granted her a half smile. Marie sat there with a stony look on her face. A few minutes later she got up and left the table, leaving her full plate at the table. A moment later, Keith leaned over and speared the rest of her steak on his fork and dropped it onto his own plate.
"I don't know what's with her," Tonks half-lied apologetically. Unless it was what Tonks thought it was, she had no idea what could be bugging Marie. She couldn't fully believe that Marie was going to study- she had never freaked out this much over exams. Either she had really, really hormonal PMS, or she was stuck on Keith again. Maybe it was both. But, the boys' minds were back on Quidditch and Tonks didn't wish to rehash the subject of Marie's out of control hormones. I just hope I don't get like that, Tonks thought, spilling her cup of pumpkin juice. But, maybe my damned klutziness is my own way of showing it. I'd rather be the way I am than be the brat that Marie's being right now. Oh well.
Soon the dinner was gone, replaced by dessert. For once in a lifetime, though, Tonks wasn't hungry and she returned to the dormitory early. Marie was not in the common room, where she would be if she were studying, and Tonks figured that she had taken solace in their deserted dorm room. Tonks decided to respect her privacy and still her curiosity until later when Marie came down.
Bored, Tonks strolled over to the House bulletin board. Quidditch tryouts Saturday, on the pitch! Bring your broomstick! read the biggest announcement. She shoved it aside and scanned the other announcements. Hogsmeade trip- Halloween read one, Lost Gobstone, please contact Mike Wolf (Ravenclaw House) if found, Missing Rat (approach with caution, he's violent!)…
Tonks sighed and replaced the Quidditch ad, which reminded her that she had better trim the extremely beat up tail ends of her Comet 105, which reminded her that she had to finish her Potions essay before she could do anything else. She got her textbook out of her bag and opened it, leafing through pages of detailed diagrams and pictures until she came to the page on Energizing Potions. She reworded paragraphs and made them sound like her own, and got two feet out of it too. Then she embellished on what she knew, and then on what Smith and Keith knew when they finally returned from the Great Hall.
"What took you guys so long to get back?" she asked the two, who collapsed hyperventilating into two armchairs.
"Peeves," Keith got out.
"I see," Tonks said, "any injuries?"
"No, Filch got there before he could inflict any lasting damage," said Smith.
Keith shook his head. "That painting will never be the same."
"How's Marie?" Smith asked.
Tonks shrugged. "I dunno, she hasn't showed her face around here since I came in, I think she's hiding in the dorm."
"Let's go check," said Keith, rising from his seat.
"No, let her have some peace and quiet for a little while," Tonks said, glancing once more at the paragraph about infusion of wormwood. "I think she needs a few minutes alone."
"OK, whatever," he said, sitting back down. "Wanna play chess?" he asked Smith. "Just for fun," he added, grinning. "No bets."
"Fine." They set up their board next to where Tonks was sitting. Keith was fueled by the need for revenge that only boys have, and he beat Smith's butt within five minutes. He pumped his arms above his head.
"We'll see who's best out of three," Smith said.
"No way, I beat you."
"Fine, if you're scared."
"Set up the board."
Tonks finished her essay and turned sideways in her chair so that she could see the whole of the board. Keith beat Smith again.
"Gobstones," he said.
"No."
"Coward."
"I'm not a coward, I just don't feel like wasting my time playing someone that's way below my level," Keith retorted. Smith looked furious.
"So," Tonks said, "what're you gonna tell McGonagall that you want to be when you get out of here?"
"I want to work in the Three Broomsticks," said Keith.
"I don't reckon that they pay too well," Smith said.
"Then I want to work with animals," Keith said. Care of Magical Creatures was his best subject, and he had a soft spot for animals. "Maybe I could be a vet for them, or a dragon trainer or something cool like that…what about you, Smith?"
"I don't"-
"Don't say reckon," Tonks butted in.
"Fine. I don't think that I'm good enough to play Quidditch for England…or for any country, for that matter… but I don't want to be cooped up in an office all day long like those poor Ministry of Magic people," he said. "What 'bout you, Tonks?"
"Maybe something in Defense Against the Dark Arts," she said, her eyes growing a shade darker than normal. "Maybe something in Muggle Studies… I really have no idea." Her eyes lit with an idea. "Maybe I'll join the circus…like, a morphing trapeze artist or something…yeah," she said. "The circus would be fun. Like, I could jump off the trapeze and morph in midair and then grab the other trapeze and…yeah."
"Cool," said Smith.
"I'd pay to see it," said Keith.
*
Tonks stepped cautiously into the dark dorm room. The curtains were drawn around Marie's bed, and Tonks couldn't hear anything coming from behind them. She sighed and undressed. The door opened, and the three other girls that bunked with them- Iris, Jade, and Amalia- came in. Iris peered around the post of Marie's bed to see if she was there.
"Is Marie okay?" she asked.
"I have no idea," Tonks admitted, sitting down on her bed. The other three girls, all whom Tonks was friends with, went about the motions of getting ready for bed. Jade lay down on her bed, but didn't close the curtains.
"She has been acting different lately," Jade said from her pillow. Her eyes glinted in the light thrown across the room by the window between Marie and Tonks's bed. Tonks would say that Jade was the prettiest of the three other girls. She had brown hair and pale skin, dark eyes and a nose that fit her face. Iris had deep red hair and green eyes, and a few freckles spattered across the bridge of her nose. Amalia was the quietest of all the girls in the room. She was really smart and was probably one of the best students in the class, and although she had friends she was really shy. She had long hair of raven black, and eyes to match.
Slowly they drifted off to sleep, and Tonks soon fell back into her strange dreams.
The next morning, Tonks woke at almost the exact same time as Marie did. "Are you okay?" was the first thing out of Tonks's mouth.
"I guess," Marie shrugged, glancing at the three other sleeping girls.
"What was with you last night?" Tonks asked.
"Sometimes I feel like no one understands me," Marie blurted out. "Not you, not Keith, not Smith, not any of them," she gestured at the three other beds. "I want to do something with my life, Tonks. I didn't mean to exemplify Hagrid like that, and you know I like Hagrid and all, but look what happened to him. He got expelled and had to spend the rest of his life as Hogwarts groundskeeper. That must be awful. I don't want that to happen to me. You know that Quidditch doesn't matter as much to me as it does to Keith or Smith. Or you." She took a deep breath. "They don't understand, and I don't know if you understand either. I don't understand myself anymore!" she shoved her face into her hands. Tonks shifted on the bed, not knowing what to say. "And the whole thing with Keith doesn't make it any easier," Marie said miserably. "I don't know what I feel anymore."
"It'll be okay," Tonks said awkwardly.
Marie sighed. "I hope so, Tonks," she said looking out the window. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I really, really hope so."
*****
