CHAPTER THREE

Finally Michael spoke breaking the uneasy silence that surrounded them. 'God look at me, bawling like a little kid.' He wiped his face with his hands, wiping away the tears from his cheeks and staring out at the airfield seeing the familiar sights, hearing the familiar sounds of planes taking off and smelling all the familiar smells.

He had been stupid to come here to try and get away from his father. The airfield and their aeroplane was as much his sanctuary as it was his father's. Murdock wouldn't have looked anywhere else. He would have known that this was where his son would come.

'No.' Murdock said quietly. 'You're not a kid, not anymore. You're almost a man and its time I realised that.'

This wasn't what Michael had been expecting, he'd been expecting more excuses even an argument. But not an apology, that was a little hard to deal with. He felt he could have coped if his father had ranted and raved over how it was none of Michael's business and how he had no right to know anything about it. This was almost too much to bear.

'You're right Michael, we should have told you. This affected you as much as it did me and I should have realised how you were going to react.'

Michael didn't answer but knew that his father was genuinely sorry and very serious; the fact that he was calling him by his full name rather than Mikey or Mike convinced him of that.

Murdock continued. 'I always thought that Nicky would be the one to be angry about the whole thing, that he'd be the one to hate me for it. I guess because we argue so much I just took it for granted that this would be another thing to yell at each other over.'

'I don't hate you Dad. I just don't understand why you had to lie to us. You say you wanted to protect us but you knew that this was going to happen. One way or another we'd have found out, wouldn't you have rather told us yourself.'

'It's not an easy thing to admit to and we're not those people anymore. We don't run around the country helping out people anymore and we're not on the run from the military.'

'Yes, you are still those people, you guys were legends and if it was me I wouldn't want to forget all the good things I'd done.'

'It wasn't all good.' Murdock answered. 'And I wouldn't exactly call us legends.'

'You weren't on the run from the military anyway.' Michael said taking his first step to really getting to what bothered him about the whole thing.

'No.' Murdock sighed. 'I wasn't.' He looked out the window thoughtfully.

Now Michael knew was the time, the time to ask him the question that had been troubling him since he read that newspaper article. And he was glad that his father was staring out of the window so that he wouldn't have to look at him.

'Dad, am I.will I be crazy too? One day, could it happen?'

With Murdock's face turned away from him he couldn't see the look of pain that crossed his face, this was the thing he had tried to avoid for the last sixteen years and he'd thought that he'd succeeded but he'd been wrong. And he'd been wrong to hide this from his son, he hadn't realised how much Mike would be affected by this and he could hear the fear in his son's voice, he thought that Murdock had been the bad kind of crazy, the kind that kills children for fun, he didn't know or understand that it had been a different kind of crazy, a way of letting out his feelings rather than getting kicks. He had hidden the truth from his children for fear that one day they would look at him contempt in their eyes, that they would not longer want him for a father but now it didn't matter whether that happened or not. As a father he had a duty to discuss this with his son and to make him understand that there was nothing to be afraid of. Finally Murdock turned to look at him and Michael made himself look at him so that he'd know whether or not he was getting an honest answer.

'I don't know Mikey. Maybe one day it could happen to you. There's not a person alive who's completely sane, not a person who doesn't have the ability to go insane if the wrong thing happens. But if you're asking will it happen to you because it happened to me? No, I don't think it will, I don't believe craziness can be passed genetically like disease or hair and eye colour. I was sane when I left to fight in 'Nam when I came back I was crazy. It happened because I was under a lot of stress and I saw a lot of things no-one should ever have to see or experience and I just couldn't cope. I hope to God that you never have to do anything like the things I had to do out there and I hope that you never have to know just how ugly war can be. You're lucky, you've got friends and family around who love you and will help you any way they can. I had the guys but out there it wasn't so easy for them to help me, for the most part they didn't even realise that it was happening until it was too late.'

Michael frowned perplexed. 'How can you not see something like that is happening?'

Murdock smiled a strange wistful smile. 'Because Michael, war is hell and it's all there is. From the time you get up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night, it consumes your life completely and you get so involved in saving your own butt and making it through one day after another that you lose touch of other people. You stop taking them into account, sure you'll look after them, make sure they don't get killed but you don't have time to stand over them 24 hours a day and make sure they're ok. Sometimes the little things get missed and sometimes those little things turn out to be big things.'

Michael listened in surprise, this was the first time his father had ever been open about his experiences in the war, sure he'd mentioned it but he'd never said how he'd felt about it and the effect it had had on him.

'Don't listen to them when they tell you that war is glorious or exciting. There's no glory about killing other human beings and there is nothing exciting about trying to keep yourself alive day after day, night after night, sometimes not sleeping for days on end. And believe you me there is no glory or excitement about having to kill your own men because they're so badly injured you know they're not going to make it anyway and the best thing for them is to just end it as quickly and effectively as you can.' He seemed to pull himself out of those memories then and realise who he was talking to. 'It's not something that you just sit down and have a casual conversation about Mike.'

'Did you kill that man?'

'No, the whole thing was a set-up.'

'Will you tell me about it, the things you guys did, what happened over there?' Michael asked knowing full well that he couldn't hear it now, that he wasn't ready to hear it and that his father wasn't ready to tell him.

'Someday Mikey, someday I'll tell you the whole story but not now.'

'Can you just tell me one thing? Did you ever do anything bad when you were crazy? Did you ever hurt anyone or anything like that?' Michael's tone held something in it that Murdock didn't like, it was fear mixed with disdain.

'It wasn't that kind of crazy, Mike.' He said simply.

Michael looked confused and slightly angry. His brown eyes flared. 'What do you mean 'that kind of crazy'? How many kinds of crazy are there?'

Murdock looked at the younger version of himself and Kelly. 'Lots of kinds. There's the kind you're thinking of, the serial killer crazy and then there's another kind of crazy, the kind that I was. That kind of crazy is more about your imagination than anything else, it's all about seeing thing's that ain't there, talking to inanimate objects, having an imaginary dog, thinking you are a dog, in a way it's very much like what young children go through. You stop believing all the things you've learned as adults and anything can become possible. Sometimes I'd think I could get in one of these and fly all the way to the stars and beyond, it's about believing.'

Michael was quiet. 'But they locked you up for it?'

'Well, yeah, it's true in the beginning days I was prone to some violence but I never seriously hurt someone.'

'And now?'

'Now's different, it's still there, it'll always be there whatever I do. But I can control it now better even than I could before. I can switch it on or off as I like. It's what Face termed as a good kind of crazy.'

Michael was quiet, contemplating this and sorting it out. In the past hour so much information had hit him that it was difficult to digest it all. His father had a whole past that he'd known nothing about and in a way it made him respect him more than he'd expected it to. The initial anger had gone and a kind of curiosity had taken over, he wanted to know about that man his father had been, wanted to know about all of them, the A-Team and the things they'd done but he knew he couldn't because his father wasn't ready to tell him yet.

*** It was a few days later when all the kids managed to get together and discuss the events of that had taken place on the evening earlier in the week. It had been hard-hitting for all of them and they had needed some time alone to deal with it in their own way but now they needed to be together.

Nicky was seated at a computer and beside him was Daniel. They were trawling through the Internet trying to glean even piece of information on their father's that they could find. At the moment they were in the military files and Daniel was explaining in a low voice how to access the encrypted files.

'You amaze me man.' Nicky said. 'Doesn't matter what it is does it? You can get it.'

Daniel gave him the famous Peck grin that frequently had women falling at his feet. 'Hey, it's in the blood. We Peck's gotta scam or we go crazy.' He realised his mistake and his expression changed. 'Sorry Nick, I didn't mean that.'

'It's ok.' Nicky said shortly, he was sick and tired of people treating him as if he might break just cos his father had turned out to have a few screws loose. He turned his attention back to the computer screen and sighed. 'I wish I knew what it is that Michael thinks we're going to find here.'

Danny shrugged. 'Maybe he just wants something to reassure himself that they are telling the truth.'

'More like he wants to find out that Dad is some kind of hero.'

Danny just nodded barely listening now. He was in the midst of the files and absorbing information as quickly as he could. He couldn't imagine how his dad had managed trying to get information without the Internet. This little jewel was a scammer's paradise and Danny never tired of finding something new to work with.

'Well, whatever it is that Michael wants I think I just found it.'

Nicky looked up instantly. 'What? What did you find?'

Danny smiled, for all Nicky's complaining he was as curious as his brother on what could be found about the A-Team. 'Hey guys, over here.' Nicky called. The others were searching through microfilmed newspaper articles but joined the two guys around the computer.

'Well Mikey? This what you were looking for?'

'Hot damn.' Michael said and Johnny whistled his own appreciation. 'You're kidding me?' Michael asked warily.

'Nope.' Danny said with another grin. 'Straight up. This stuff comes from highly encrypted files within the military and trust me these babies must be the real thing because otherwise it would have been a hell of a lot easier to get into them.'

Michael's mouth was open as he read what was displayed on the screen.

'Oh my god.' Emily said. 'Dad was really in the CIA.' Her blue eyes were wide as she looked round at her friends.

'Wow.' Brandon murmured softly.

'Back up a minute.' Johnny said as Danny began scrolling down. 'What's that there, Hunt Stockwell? Who's he?'

Nicky scanned the information quickly. 'Not sure, kinda vague about him but it says our parents were working for him before they got their pardons. Says that they've been after him as much as they were after the team, even the FBI's been after him.'

Michael was thoughtful. 'So he'd know about them.'

'He's not the only one that's been associated with them though. Two reporters in the early and mid-eighties. One Amy Allen and one Tawnia Baker. It appears that Amy Allen received a foreign correspondence assignment but she recently moved back into the country a couple of years ago but on Tawnia Baker there's nothing.'

'Think you could get this Miss Allen's address, Danny?' Johnny asked with a grin that mirrored his father's exactly. If BA had been there to see it he would have probably said that Johnny was on the Jazz.

'And try to dig up anything you can on this Stockwell guy.' Michael added almost impetuously, something inside him was curious, when he'd heard Stockwell's name he'd known that this was what he had been looking for. A connection someone besides the team who had known his father, someone they'd worked for. The news that his father had been in the CIA was startling but part of him felt that he had known that there would be something like this in his father's past. In his son's mind HM Murdock was as much of a born liar as Faceman and Michael unconsciously found himself questioning everything his father said and did now that he knew the so- called truth.

'Mike? You ok?' Emily asked with her usual gentleness, their mother often said that she was as soft-hearted as their father and that she hoped that it didn't get her into as much trouble as it got her father. Mike had never understood what she'd meant by that until now.

'Sure Em, I'm fine.' He managed a smile for his sister who still looked worried. He hoped that he'd fooled her; Emily had an uncanny knack for knowing when something was wrong with people and when they were lying. She'd caught Danny out numerous times.

'Hey, you gonna help out here or what?' Johnny teased good-naturedly, he was aware that his friend needed something to take his mind off yesterday's events. 'We still have a paper to write you know.'

'Some of us do anyway.' Emily said. She and Nick were in the grade below them even though Emily was a year younger than Nicky. She'd skipped a grade just recently much to their parents delight and her brother's chagrin.

Nicky hated having his baby sister in the same grade as he was, especially since it meant he could get away with far less when it came to assignments and homework. It also meant that Nick felt that he had to keep up with Emily, even be better than her.

He was under the mistaken impression that his parent's wouldn't be proud of him if he didn't do as well as his sister did. His grades were often the subject of hot debate with his father, usually because Nick hadn't bothered turning up to classes.

Maria tossed her blond hair as she began searching through the books and newspapers surrounding her. Michael looked at her and then at the others. They were just going about their daily business as they always did as if the events of the past few days had never taken place. He seemed to have been the only one affected by it, he wondered if maybe the others had known or suspected all along and he had been the only one existing in a naïve world where his father was normal.

'Hey Mikey.' Danny said breaking Michael out of his thoughts. 'I got the address on that Allen woman.' He handed a piece of paper to Michael with an address on it. 'Want to go check it out?'

Michael thought for a moment, he was less interested in this Amy Allen person than he was in Hunt Stockwell but still, any information she might be able to give them could prove useful in the future. 'Sure why not.'