July 20, 2000

It happened again.

This time, it was in red. Brilliant strokes of red that lit the dark recesses of my mind in violent displays of possession and hate. I was not asleep, but I was not awake. I was drifting in a sea of red, timed by the motions of my own heart and resisting mind.

In a valley near the ocean, a bright sun shone, and the air smelled like infinity itself; clear, never-ending, and a sweet promise to my tired self. I've been like this, it seems, tired, and restless, just another echo of the waves that crashed without cease against the cliff's jagged side, ever since the day I felt my heart go numb. Ever since the day I said yes, and felt Reisuke's lips pressed against my own, his hand wrapping my own, entwined forever. I saw a rose once, that was entwined with ivy. It sounds so beautiful and so right, but the rose died. Mom said it was because the ivy was crushing it to pieces, but I know the truth. The rose died because it didn't want to live, always a part of something else, never just a single entity, a blessed individual.

I let my guard down, I let my hands grow slack against my own shivering shoulders. I gave up, I let go, I said yes.

I said yes.

Was it knowing that I'll never see him again to led me to say yes - yes, like a puppet, a doll trained to answer the sounds of her master's call. But my master doesn't exist, not here, never here where I can be with him, not for a fleeting moment, or in sweet swooning dreams, but where I can be with him every waking and sleeping infinite moment of my life. Reisuke is here, he always will be, he's a part of my reality.

But I always wanted something more.

My dream, the small dream that I had but never told, continues on with the valley collapsing into the sea. Did I fall too? I'm not sure, I'm never sure about anything. And when I raised my hands to the infinity-like sky, snow feathers covered my falling body and I drifted back to the dull nuances of life that has no meaning.

To say my love for my prince that will never come rescue me [for how can he if he's nothing more but a vision to me, and a glimmer of extraordinary light to everyone else?] was so true that I became this empty cask because of our separation would be telling fairy stories.

Though I loved my prince more then almost anything else in this present world [except maybe Tsuyosa, yes, Tsuyosa would fill the emptiness that Van still has for Folken, the same emptiness that I myself embrace with loving resentful arms,] my love for Van can no longer sustain me. It's not enough, not any more.

My dreams ends with a shower of red, red as blood, as sweet and as calming and as sad as the very blood that runs though my pathetic body, and keeps me alive. I have felt like this for a long time. Life has no more sweetness for me.

I feel Van's arms around me, every night, as I lie awake staring at the ceiling, counting the minutes that pass by, minutes that should remain frozen and as young and lithe as Van's tender body. His voice, no longer screaming in unspoken pain, lulls my raging mind, as he strokes his fingers through my long hair. How he smiled when he saw my long curtain of hair, how his lips burned all the way to my very heart as he kissed the strands that laid in his hands.

When he presses himself against me, no hurry, nor any lust unearths from his bare body, never hurting or rushing me like Reisuke. Van is foremost, and always will be, one with nature, and being bathed in moonlight and night air, makes his eyes shine with light, his movements as smooth as water itself, cascading against my own hands and lips. Reisuke will never understand how utterly I am in love with Van, how utterly I surrendered myself to my prince who is nothing but a glimmer of silver moonlight striking jade to everyone else.

I do not deserve the love that Van devotes to me, the tender feelings and caresses that he bestows upon me, as if I am a queen, and he my king. But never, never will Van be my king, just my prince, for I am not worthy of Van's love. I'm not worthy of Van's eyes, shining with a natural compassion, or his love, as tender as the touch of his wing against my bare back. I can never again have the happiness and the joy I once had. This is my curse because I was foolish enough to destroy my blessing.

If only I didn't say yes to Reisuke.

If I walked home that day, instead of getting into that god damn car. Tsuyosa told me that he didn't mind the rain, he just wanted to get home, but no, I didn't listen to him. Cursed my ignorance, my indifference to what I already knew: Tsuyosa is far more gifted then I, for he has no one who loves him the way Van loves me. Every time we touch, I give Van my glimpse into the future, stories that I learned from no one, secrets that the sky and earth told me. Little by little, kiss by kiss, I gave myself up to Van, and lost the full potential of the gift that is very much entwined with the Kanzaki family. The gift that shines, like a sun, from the very core of Tsuoyosa's existence. I have dimmed to give myself up to Van, completely and truly. It's a small price to pay to feel Van's wings brush against the small of my back, his hands upon my shoulders.

Who will forgive me now? Not Van. I don't want him to forgive me. Tsuyosa, he would never stray from the path that life sets before him. Even with me gone, he will only grow stronger. Yes, Dad truly gave him the right name.

Who will hold my hand when I walk this lonely path? Van held my hand since the day I discovered how I was. And he held my hand when I gave myself to him, physically, casting aside my armor of doomed love and fear. He knew how scared I was, even with the love that I had for him, I was scared to feel his body against mine. The tears I cried against his bare chest, loving him even more, more then humanly possible for the tenderness and love he showed, the moment of breath-taking beauty as he lifted himself from my body and withdrew his wings, glimmering in the fading moonlight. The touch of his hands upon my own, everything, I cried for this love completed me, made me whole. Van held my hand.

But its gone now. No more. I don't deserve his hand to guide me, or Tsuyosa's, whose eyes, oh what beautiful eyes little brother has, can peer into the very depths of my soul. I was blessed until the moment I stepped into that car, I broke that blessing and turned it into a curse when I command Tsuyosa to come too, Mr. Tomoe truly is a good driver, there's nothing to worry about at all, Little Brother.

Nothing to worry about.

The memory of that day burns into me. I have no regrets. But I have one wish. How I wished, with the shards of my empty heart, that Tsuyosa and Van could meet one another. That has always been my wish, to see Van and Tsuyosa playing with each other, talking and confiding in one another in the way that only brothers could.

If I could, I'll make that wish into reality. I have nothing else to wish for, because everything I once had, I'll never hold ever again. Who will forgive me for this show of weakness? Who will have it in their hearts to forgive this pathetic girl, in love with Van, who is and is not real, a possession of Reisuke, knowing and not knowing what comfort is, and crying for a little brother who knows so much more then I will ever know?

No one, because I can't forgive myself. I have no regrets. Just one wish.

If only this wish can be reality, it will be the gift and apology I have for the two people I love more then anything else in this world, then life itself. I love Van. I love Tsuyosa. More then I love myself.

That should be reason enough to not do it. Add on Mom and Dad's sadness because I love them so much, and Reisuke who will understand whatever I say, I have no reason to go through with it. But I'm being selfish.

What happened that rainy day, just mere months after the night where Van pledged himself to me and I to him by my bedside, destroyed whatever happiness I ever will have. My heart is dead. There's no point in living when the heart can't feel. And I can find no more tears to cry.

- Hitomi

Author's Notes - I know, there's tons of questions here. All I can say is, it will be answered. My, how sensual this entry was. It's sad to in its own way. Keep reviewing, and I'll keep writing.