Fragment Four: the Dragon in the Wilderness

The boy collapsed while holding a feather of mine clutched in his fist.

The strip of black earth started to rumble. A pungent scent drifted from above, the smell of burning flames tearing against something I could not name. In a tunnel, the shade seemed harsh, the sun that crawled its way from the end glistened menacingly. Air, not blessed with trees or the scent of flowers, weighed itself upon me as I slowly rose from my customary bows. It was "sticky dog air" Merle would say, and I smiled recalling the little girl, who was quickly becoming a lady, back home.

The boy was slight of build, barely any muscle clung to his frame. His hands were long, like a women's, but attached to arms that seemed strong enough to bear a heavy burden. Hair, matted with sweat, clung to his forehead and smooth cheeks. How old would he be? Hitomi said fifteen, the age a boy would be a man, but the boy barely looked old enough to lift a sword.

No rather, he shouldn't hold a sword. He looked much too gentle to do so. Like me before I shouldered the burden of death and nobility on my shoulder. The boy would enjoy strolls in the garden back in Fanelia, where the flowers would bend lovingly under his slender fingers, with Palas by his side.

Yes, Palas would be the boy's campion. They would be about the same age, Palas only two years younger. The boy's kindness would soften the edge of Palas, the wild girl no one understood, the wild girl who stole my heart and bent it into fatherhood years ago. The wild girl Hitomi christened with a tender laugh and a kiss on the forehead.

Hitomi.

Will this sorrow ever pass? Her name, like a knife, tears away at whatever stable calm that floods into my mind, allowing a flame of pain and regret light my head and heart. The ring I wear, she made it, once long ago, telling me that she poured her spirit and her love into the endless circle of silver. She adorned it with runes that she laughingly promised to tell me the meaning of one day.

That day will never come.

The boy knows my sorrow. This boy is my brother. Not by wedlock, Hitomi and I never married before an altar, a priest, never drank the blessed wine from the same glass. But we promised ourselves to each other, and that was better then any ceremony in this or my world. This boy is my brother and he knows the pain that rages war inside of me.

I will show no tears, no sadness. He will know the grief inside of me by looking into my eyes. I don't have to speak. He has heard enough.

The first time Hitomi and I touched, the surge of passion that Allen said came with the first caress, did not come. Instead, I felt a soothing calm wash over me, tender and as soft as her skin. It was beautiful, because it was meant to be. No pressure, no pain, just gentle love murmured into our skin, our embrace.

She cried afterwards, her hot tears sinking itself, like scars, into my chest, her arms wrapped tightly around my body. She didn't want to let go of this moment. I wouldn't let her. She cried for a while, and my heart rose to meet her cries. My love for her never died, not even now.

And she whispered softly, a desire I should have been able to grant, but I couldn't, that I knew even back then. "If only you and Tsu-kun could meet. Do you exist in this world only for me and no one else?"

If I could make my presence by known to the darling brother Hitomi loved I would have gladly traded my wings to do so. Even then, Hitomi could not think of herself, always someone else. This was the Hitomi I cherished, the "phantom lover" I prayed happiness to every night.

"My lord, will we ever meet her? The stories of the girl from the Mystic Moon - are they enough to produce a heir to this kingdom?"

Rinnas, my Minister to the Right, came from a city far to the north, where a person's linage and reputation mattered more then the person himself. Shrewd in politics and gifted in rhetoric, Rinnas became the voice that spoke the rumors murmured by my people every day.

This sorrow knows no bounds. Hitomi and I touch, hold one another against the pounding of separation and imaginary lies. Will it crush us, devour us until nothing is left?

The boy knows this sorrow.

Her desire was granted.

The robe, decorated with entwined dragons, fluttered slightly in the breeze as I removed it from my body and covered the boy's lying figure with it. It did not matter much to me, the robes of the court did not appeal to me as much as the hunting clothes I wore underneath. I forgot my sword, Palas and Merle must have discovered it, lying undisturbed by my throne, and start to wonder where I am.

I do not need a sword here in Hitomi's world. I touched the boy's forehead with my hand, cool to the touch, droplets of sweat hugging my fingers. What story does the boy need to tell? Lend me the strength I need to help him, will this cry reach Folken and Mother in the skies?

Our worlds may be different, Hitomi, but our Heaven is the same. I'll return to you.

Picking up the boy was easy, school bag and all. If I had some money, I would have called a vehicle to drive us back to his house. But the money I carried in my pouch probably would have been laughed at. I'm a beggar in Hitomi's world, a king in my own.

The city before me was a wilderness I could not ever know. Even now, the vehicles that streaked by seemed to hiss and stuttered in hatred. I shifted the boy's weight onto my right shoulder as my arms balanced him in my grasp. I'll carry him home. I am unseen in Hitomi's world, a person visible only in a pillar of light or to the one who called me here. No one in this world would hinder my path. The boy needed to rest, away from this harsh, hot light and humid air.

Tell me where home is, brother.

In my mind I saw a house, three stories high, painted in light blue, with wind chimes christening the door. A fantastic red rooster planted itself by the short flight of stairs leading to the yellow door. This is home.

Lead me home, brother.

My feet started to climb up the stairs by the tunnel. -Overpass- the word sank itself into my mind and I started to walk steadily down the street. The wilderness of this world spoke to me, the boy's breathing growing calm in my arms. The burden he carried, the story he must tell, what strength does he need to speak again, what strength can I give him?

But as I walked, my wings bursted from my shoulders and I ascended into the air. Clutching the boy tightly to my body, I flew in circles over the town, the touch of wind dancing in my hair. The birds can see me, and they let out cries of joy. I did not scare them, rather the tiny brown birds flew in crazy spirals by my side. The sun seemed warmer high up in the sky like this, and the air carried the scent of clouds and sky.

The boy's eyes opened when I broke through a soft mess of willow-like cloud, his brilliant sea grey eyes taking in the sight of flying birds and endless sky all in one hungry gulp. His hands lifted themselves as if to embrace this sight.

He closed his eyes again and whispered softly, "I'm dead, aren't I?"

"No."

"Who are you, then? A dream?"

A dream? Yes, Hitomi said that our love is the dream that no one else will know, a secret that breaks like ice upon the hot sun, never to be told. Stories and rumors, lies and mocking laugh, they're just dust clouding the mirror, trying to destroy the reflection of what is truly real.

This boy will know everything. I feel Hitomi inside of him, and he will have a part of me as well. Blessed brother, darling boy, if only you could meet Palas and make her sorrow that manifest itself to wild disobedience disappear. You could ease the pain that Palas holds because you have once eased the pain that Hitomi had.

What a man you are.

"I am Van."