Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters you recognise in this fictional story belonging to Joanne Kathleen Rowling, Warner Bros., and whoever else…Bloomsbury and Scholastic. Some characters are based on childhood friends, I made them into this fiction therefore I own them. I also own the plot. And the dates… coz they're terribly wrong. I also don't own the pretty song… *looks down* ('My Last Breath' – Evanescence)

I know you hear me,
I can taste it in your tears.
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you

Chapter III – [Haunted Pasts]


     What was I thinking? I can't possibly do this on my own. I don't know how or where to start looking… Can't go back to the apartment, the Ministry already have it locked down. She's now under the protection of the Ministry, I know they didn't treat the incident like they usually would for any other Death Eater attack. I could be reading into the subject a bit much, was there anything I missed?

      Sarah was confused. She didn't know what to do, she was baffled. She was trying to reason with herself, whether to tell James about what she had found or not. Everything she knew so far could be reasoned against, it could all be a slight co-incidence. She couldn't just tell him her suspicions, and that was what was stopping her. She couldn't just tell him anything, especially when it came to the subject of Lily.

      James was a very understanding person, he used to be anyway. It was a rare moment that they could talk about Lily, just the two of them; cousin to cousin. Sarah was really willing to talk to him about it, really, she was… as much as it hurt. It was almost a relief for her, especially if it meant that she could relive moments with someone she knew who could relate with almost the same loss she had suffered.

      Almost being the key word, because it wasn't the same. The loss of a best friend and the loss of a love. 

      When the conversation would ever take it's course to arise, James would be tense and uncomfortable. He didn't want to talk about it, he wanted to keep it all to himself and never let it out. As if he wanted to keep her memory to himself the way she had left it. He had been the first person to truly give up looking for her.

       She guessed it was because he didn't want the pain. The pain of longing and loss. The pain of failure, the pain of emptiness. It was a pain of emptiness he had never truly felt in his whole entire life until Lily disappeared.

       James never shared his feelings with Lily but she had always been in front of his eyes for him to watch and gaze at. So she was always there, not his, but just there. And it was what he had been content with for years. But now she was gone, she had left in his eyes but not in his heart and memory.  He always accepted what came his way, if he had failed in any way or had forgotten to do something in his life that was important for himself, he could always somehow accept and understand it.  But he had a hard time dealing with Lily's disappearance, he probably regretted not telling her his feelings sooner.

       Deserving prick.

       Not long after James gave up, they others followed; they were prepared to try and move on. Sarah would never forgive him for forcing her to give up as well. Not that she had truly given up, but after what he had done to her, she was almost afraid of him. But mostly, she was hateful.

          Curse anyone who treated her rightfully, like an individual. Blast them. The one person she felt satisfied with today was the Minister of Magic. True, during their meeting today he did make it her obligation to be selfless and somewhat sinister by accepting her birth right but he had approached her and not her legal parents. And that meant something in the least.

       She sighed. This is what it had to come to. She couldn't tell him, she knew she was afraid of what he might think. She was almost certain he was going to put her on a heavier dose, this time around. It wasn't right… James had no right to convince her parents to put her on anti-depressants. Those bloody things just about killed her.               

      He thought I was insane and unstable. I disappointed everyone. But now… I'll be independent. I'll find my way around being  an international affairs minister and I'll find Lily out and shove her right in James' bloody face. He'll be hell shocked.

      She wouldn't tell James a thing…

      *~*~*~*

       Remus cranked on the new television, Sirius had inherited it from his late aunt Lou and had set it up with the help of Peter. He adjusted the antenna to watch the news.

        NEWS FLASH! AFTER THE BREAK WE COME TO THE STORY OF AMANDA SEAFORD, A YOUNG GIRL OF THREE WHO CAME DOWN WITH THE HIGHEST FEVER TO EVER BE SURVIVED.

        Remus settled himself down on to the couch before turning the volume…


        -IT IS REPORTED THAT SHE CONTRACTED THE DEADLY FEVER RIGHT AFTER SHE PAYING RESPECTS TO HER GRANDMOTHER AT A LOCAL CEMETARY YESTERDAY. EXPERT DOCTORS SAY THAT A GIRL, OF HER AGE OR ANYONE OF ANY AGE FOR THAT MATTER SHOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED THE NIGHT-

    The television screened a bald man with a white coat, "When I was alerted of this case, my colleagues and I were quite startled. It's just a miracle of her survival. Right now, we are keeping a close eye on her and doing all we can to keep her fever down. It is truly alarming to see a child suffer like this…"

    -THAT IS WHAT SPECIALIST DR. MURPHY JAMES HAS TO SAY ABOUT AMANDA SEAFORD'S CASE.  THE CAUSE OF THE FEVER IS UNKNOWN, DOCTORS HAVE BEEN CALLED FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO HELP SAVE THIS GIRL'S LIFE AND ALSO TO DISCUSS THIS RARE FEVER, COULD THIS BE A NEW DEADLY DISEASE? WE HOPE TO BRING YOU MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THIS TRAGIC STORY IN HOURS TO COME.

         The screen changed to a small girl on a hospital bed, that Remus guessed to be Amanda, she was shaking and her little face was flushed with fever. This muggle news was certainly, suspicious.

         RESEARCHERS BELIEVE THAT ONE OF THE POSIBITLIES OF THE CAUSE WAS PERHAPS A NEW DEADLY MICROSCOPIC ORGANISM FROM THE CEMETARY, DUE TO THIS THEORY THE CEMETARY VISITED WILL NOT BE ACCESABLE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

         He switched the TV off and went to the muggle telephone James had gotten them, he dialled the number of an old friend from Hogwarts, Arabella Figg. She worked at the Ministry and he thought she might knew something.

         Ring! Ring!

         "Hello? Ministry Matters, how can I help you?"

         "Hey Arabella! It's Remus Lupin…"

         "Lupin? This is a surprise, you've got a muggle telephone! How now, good friend?"

         "Not too bad, and you?" He replied politely.

         "Me? I've been really busy recently, working for the ministry was harder than I thought, especially with this time of the year… 7th year Hogwarts kids are doing their apparition classes. You could say that this week certainly hasn't been a bore!"

         "Ah…lovely? So Bella, you don't happen to have a television at you apartment do you?"

         "Say… what? A Telee-what?"

         "Never mind Arabella, just a muggle thing…"

         "OK…Did you hear, by the way? Oh wait… of course you didn't. All right, I'll explain--  I was watching The Moving Box at work just then, really weird electree gadget, the Ministry are sending about a dozen Ministry workers for this case, about a muggle girl with a high fever. Her fever simply is just not Muggle, you see. Poor thing, she's a state! I saw her just before you called-"

        "Figg… It's not called The Moving Box, that's what I was talking about just then; a television… or T.V. for short."

         "Oh, sorry Lupin… I feel real daft now."

         "Arabella, it's all right. You just weren't… aware. So, what's the deal with the Ministry workers?"

         "Well, this is just office gossip, but I heard from Jessie who heard it from Gus who heard Pat and Fred talking about a muggle relative that's working at a muggle hospital who's seconds cousin is a fellow colleague of the doctor who is treating or trying to treat the sick girl, that Amanda, the girl, was thrashing around muttering something about a grave that is making noises.

"Also that they interviewed Mrs Seaford and she said that Amanda had heard voices from the grave but she had pulled her daughter away because she didn't believe her… So now, the ministry are sending ministry wizards to check the grave out, of course, they will have invisible and coverage charms to help them. Could be some good-for-nothing wizard planning something awful for the poor muggles…"

         "They really are certain her condition has something to do with magic? The muggle world has surprised wizards more than once during history… But, I do see where they're coming from." Remus said looking out of the window, it was getting dark, well, not really, but it was near sunset.

         "Yeah, poor girl, and her mother…"

         "I'm real sorry Bella, I have to go now, Sirius and James are out and I have a lot of things to do."

         "Oh, All right…I'll talk to you soon Remus. Take care, say 'hi' to the whole lot of you back there for me…"

         "Bye." Remus hung up and rushed down to the basement of the apartment block.

     It had a window showing the full moon rise and showing itself though the clouds. Remus shivered and cast a silencing charm so his howls couldn't be heard. He felt the familiar sharp pains sear through his body, he could feel a familiar tingling surround his whole body. His robes stretched and Remus began to growl and shift, it was uncomfortable. He arched his back and glanced at his pulsating hands as they began to sprout hair. Keeling over, he gasped for breath as his lungs tightened. He felt his spine arch, he tried to stand up but his aching legs wouldn't let him, he threw himself against the brick walls. He clawed at himself, at his robes; tearing them into shreds. He curled himself up into a futile position before giving out an agonising howl, making his transformation complete.  

~*~*~

         Peter clenched the time turner in his hand, he turned the base to 'days' and was about to turn it when…

         "Wormtail?" a cold voice questioned, "I should have known…"

         Startled, he looked up and looked into the dark red eyes of someone who he feared the most.

~*~*~

          "Ministry ball?" Lily repeated in an absolute feeling of disbelief.

         Ernie chuckled, "Like I said….Consider this, a bonus just before your next mission…"

          Lily's eyes darkened, "Hmm…Are you saying this will make up for it?"

          "Lily, I'm trying here… I was going to ask you come accompany me anyway. The ball will be taking place early next month, which is nest week. I suggest that you get the right clothes to wear as well, here" He handed her a gold small card. "If you take this to Madame Malkins. I'm trusting you with this Ministry gold card…so all expenses are naturally, paid."

          "I… don't really know what to say," Lily replied a bit dazed, "I wasn't that angry at you about the mission…"

          "So…I'll just owl a letter to the ministry ball co-ordinator, now Lily…there isn't any turning back from this, once I send this letter you have to go, or they'll make you…magically." And without letting her reply, he let the owl on his arm out the window.

         Lily watched the owl fly off, she tried to feel elated, but found she was too shocked.

~*~*~

        Ernie watched her walk out and started to mentally counted. She had exited his office in an absolute daze, which he concluded was hidden euphoria, he would definitely give her a good five seconds. He hoped she would over react too much. He actually was really quite fond of his office door.

       5 thousand, 4 thousand, 3 thousand, 2 thousand… 1-

       Then there was a violent pound on his door. He winced. Followed by a long and awkward squeak, someone sliding down the polish.

~*~*~

        During the five seconds in Lily's mind…

        Oh wow. Since when did they have enough room for the long and hard laboured Extreme Aurors? We're all still considered to be a young generation. I can't help but feel slightly suspicious, but some what elated all the same. I should be happy… I am happy… I am…

Trying counts…

       After watching so many older Officials getting to go the annual ministry ball, they were all really psyched about it. I thought I'd be more excited then this… If old men were dancing along in the hallways why am I still in front of Ernie's door thinking to myself? 

      If my sub-conscience isn't reacting the way it should be then there must be something wrong… right? OK… what's so bad about going to the ball? It'll just be a boring session of shaking hands and drinking punch without worrying if James would spik-

     Well there we have it…

    All of a sudden, Lily felt very faint. She couldn't back out now… she swallowed hard. She should have bloody known. Ministry Ball equalled all important officials there with wives, family and guests… blah.  All important officials there with wives, family and guests could very well equal James Potter and his wives- wait!

"Oh, no…"

She'd have to last a night socialising with her past, her past she had hid from all these years…

     Lily felt very dizzy, she made to march right back into Ernie's office but ended up slamming both her palms onto the polished French doors. And now there was no way she could back out now… because Ernie sent the bloody owl on it's way already.

     What were the chances of catching a Ministry owl riding on a broom with a huge net. Or perhaps she would feel better with a bow and arrow?

     That does it, I'm so screwed.

     Lily felt her legs fail, she slid down onto the floor, her hands gripped the slippery polished doors creating a cacophony that awkwardly sounded like flatulence.

    ~*~*~

     "Wormtail…what exactly did you believe you were successfully going to pull right under my nose? You were going to save that muggle loving friend of yours, weren't you? You were going to go back in time with the time turner and stop. She was very like you wasn't she…not very loyal…anti-pain and torture. Obviously, you didn't learn anything from my warning I explained to you earlier when I warned you about your doubt, Lessons need to be learnt, Wormtail! I'll teach you to never cross me again." Voldemort shouted at the feeble and pathetic excuse of a wizard.

     Peter backed up against the wall; shivering with fright.

     Voldemort smirked, "Oh yes…I'll teach you how to never ever cross me again, reminiscing her glorious death, I see that she would have been a much

better Death Eater than you! She was smarter than you, even though you didn't bother to notice she was even conniving. Now, now…I shouldn't be putting her, as past tense should I now?

    "Wormtail, today you have shown me that I can never be loyal to you, for you were never loyal to me. As you can imagine, you already know your penalty is death, but why you; a traitor on both sides, get an instant death? You deserve to suffer more…oh, much more. Wormtail, listen to me now; Adele will be smarter than you and will be much more conniving than you could ever be in a hundred of your lifetimes! After three days that is…"

With a snap of the dark lord's fingers, Wormtail and Voldemort were in a dark chamber, Peter could feel that the floor was moist, he couldn't see what it was for the room was pitch black and then, there was light. A dim light; only a spotlight on him, the rest was still black. A figure stepped into the light, Peter looked at his feet. Peter knew he was going to die now…this was going to be his final hour of living…He looked up to his master whom he had just attempted to betray.

"Wormtail…you will be the first person in history to ever experience what I have in store for you…" and with that he was alone and frozen on the spot. And was for a couple of nights.

~*~*~

Days after…

~*~*~

Sarah lay on her bed.  Her eyes were puffy and red, she was too weak to cry again. She had been crying all of this afternoon, morning and all of yesterday too.

Why was Lily gone? Why was James so upset inside without showing on the outside? Why had everybody decided not to care? What was she to do all by herself?

She kept on telling herself that she wasn't herself. That it was just the pills. But she knew it wasn't true… She hadn't touched the pills since her 'job interview'. It was a protest. She could be independent without anything. 

-----------------------------------------------

TOOT!

Figuring she had plenty of time left, the girl hopped off the scarlet train and strode toward the barrier, back into the Muggle world.

An eleven-year-old girl stood between platform 9 and 10 in Kings Cross Station. She was waiting for her cousin to arrive, he was starting his first year at Hogwarts too, but he was certainly taking his time. Her luggage had already been put on the Hogwarts Express by her dad. Her parents dropped her off early, they had to go to work so she said her goodbyes already.

THUMP

She looked to her right and saw a girl around the same age as her looking frustrated, she had bright red curls and emerald green eyes. Sarah saw that

she had an owl and trunk with writing 'Hogwarts 1st year' on it. She could hear the girl mumble, "Platform 9 and ¾? Uh…"

Muggleborn, figures! she thought.

She saw two young adults come towards the girl and say something like "Oh! I'm sure it's here somewhere Lily. Maybe it's like the Leaky Cauldron, maybe you've got to look harder."

I'll be helpful! Sarah thought as she tapped the poor girl on the shoulder and gave a small smile. "Wotcher."

The redhead gave a nervous smile and replied in a small voice "Hello…"

Sarah stuck out her hand towards the redhead politely, "I'm Sarah. I'm starting Hogwarts this year too, I can see your trunk.

….

"I- I cannot believe you!" Sarah shouted through tears at Lily.

"Sarah, what's wrong?" Lily asked, absolutely shocked, "What happened?"

Adele peeked out from the curtains of her four-poster bed, "S-Sarah?"

"How could you?!" Sarah sobbed again, throwing up her hands. "You knew- I told you I really liked him! And you knew he- you knew he was doing it! For weeks!"

It was then that Calista barged in through the dorm door, the boys were behind her. "Wha…"

"I'm sorry Sarah, I should have told you sooner…" Lily tried hopelessly. "I just didn't want you to get hurt, you know?"

Sarah was breathing hard, "You should have told me! You should have told me straight away! I have a right to know when my boyfriend is cheating on me! I feel like a such a fool!"

Lily shook her head, she tried to approach her best friend but was pushed away, "I'm sorry, you have to believe me, I tried to make him change. To make him guilty, and to change his mind."

Sarah covered her ears with her hands, shaking her head violently, "Well… you made a bloody big mistake!" she yelled then ran out of the room, shoving the boys aside.

"Parry was cheating on her? That bastard…" She could hear James say behind the door.

Blinded by tears, Sarah kept on running…

------------------

Eventually she had understood that Lily had been trying to change her boyfriend's ways so she wouldn't be hurt. It wasn't the brightest idea; trying to convince your best friend's boyfriend to stop snogging other girls behind her back but it was certainly something that touched her heart --It ended up being a good week, she remembered. It was the first time Lily had ever punched a boy. 

She rubbed her eyes and let more painful tears fall; there wasn't a moment more that she needed Lily right now… She was always someone who would give her straight and truthful answers. Now, everyone else was trying to help her by not telling her what they were trying to do, what she needed was the hard truth to set her straight. No one was there to tell her a thing.

So much for being independent…

She got up and stumbled over to her bathroom, she looked in the mirror and saw a pale red eyed self. When Lily disappeared she had been the first and probably the most determined during their finding and looking but after awhile her hope faded gradually, thanks to James and his connections to the Magical Chemist. She kept all those emotions bottled inside, she used to be outgoing but without her other half, she felt like nothing.

She half fell to the toilet bowl and emptied our the contents of her stomach. She looked up into the mirror in a daze, she opened the medicine cabinet and half laughed/half-choked when she was the anti-depressants she was so dependant on. They were charmed pills filled with magic and powerful cheering charms. They had worked for awhile. But then they just made her really sick. So they gave her a heavier dose…

"To hell with them!" She cried and she ripped off the lid and threw the pills around the bathroom.

She stumbled out into her living room and saw the book on the table, after countless times of trying…she couldn't get it right! She picked up the book and threw to the mirror. The half full bottle of pills that were still in her hand almost emptied out.

CRASH!

She started to sob into her own arms. Everything was such a mess, and it was her fault. The pills leaked out from the bottle and she let them fall away. She started to cry more loudly, but soon had to run to the bathroom again.

~*~*~

James and Sirius unlocked the door to the apartment, practice was tiring, "Remus!" Sirius yelled out.

All the reply he got was a moan and a thump.

The two rushed into Remus' room and saw him sprawled on his face on the floor in a bundle and tangle of blankets, pillows and sheets.

Remus lifted his head and gave them a lopsided grin, "Oh, it's you… "

"Slugabed…" James muttered.

"Heard that!" Remus yelled, "How was Quidditch?"

"Dandy," James grinned but then it faded.

"What's wrong Prongs?"

James sighed and answered, "Sarah, actually…"

"Oh! I've been worried about her recently. She's been unusually quiet, unlike the 10 year old problem child…" Remus said.

"Yeah, She was always the Potter problem child until-" Sirius added.

"Until Lily came along," James finished off. "Let's go visit her, hopefully she will be at her apartment, she needs to tell me something. Actually, I'm going to force her to tell me something…"

"James, don't you think you're being too motherly?" Sirius asked carefully.

James shook his head, "No, actually."

"OK, just let me get changed" Remus said.

Five minutes later Sirius, James and Remus Apparated in front of her apartment and James knocked on the door but after a few hard knocks no one opened the door, "Sarah! Sarah!! Open the door!"

Sirius spoke up, "James…maybe she isn't there."

James fumbled through his wallet and took out a gold key, "aha! Even if she isn't here then we can maybe eat something, I'm… starving."

He started to fumble with the muggle lock and didn't notice Sirius hissing to Remus, "Likely story… he's going to snoop around!"

Remus nodded, "He's just-"

"Paranoid!" Sirius snapped.

Finally, James unlocked the door and the three walked down the dark hallway, they walked quite fast with James in front.

In the distance, they could hear distinct coughing, like someone was throwing up – Remus and Sirius looked shocked. They look at James to see his face contort into a horrified expression. He broke into a run to the bathroom. "Oh no…Sarah!" he roared.

The bathroom was just across from the kitchen, when they were metres from the door; the awful noises stopped and a figure stumbled out into the darkness and collapsed.

~*~*~

Sarah woke up in a white room, she squinted in the brightness and her vision was blurry. She looked to her right a saw machines she had never seen before. She knew she was in a muggle hospital. Her vision started to clear up and she saw two semi blurry people rush to her side. Her parents were there…

~*~*~

James was worried sick about his cousin but couldn't stay at the hospital for long. He was looking through her room picking up books and putting them backing place.

He scanned the room; Cd player, stuffed toy, graduation photo…

He went over to pick it up. There they were; Lily, Sarah, Calista, Adele, Sirius, Peter, Remus and himself all looking so much younger and grinning like mad in their graduation robes and hats; they had just become fully licenced witches and wizards and were damn happy about it. He couldn't help but and remember that very day…

-Fin-

OH *cringe* *cringe* *cringe* I have this violent urge to write FLUFF! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

IF I KNEW THAT REVISING A STORY WOULD RESULT IN THIS I WOULD HAVE LEFT THIS BLOODY STORY ALL CRINGEFUL!!!! ARGGH! Just argh! I WILL JUST EXPRESS MY FRUSTRATION AND ARGH!!!! MUST.NOT.WRITE.FLUFF.

I think chickensoup3 started me on it, well… made me realise the horrors of it. *grins* I know I will eventually have to write fluff, but I can't write about stuff like snogging or what have you, just like that!!  I'll probably have to – I dunno – hire somebody to write the fluff scenes… hire. PAH!   

AND to actually have an urge to write fluff?! Somebody confiscate my awful twitchy hands from typing and then he leaned in for a kiss-

ARGH!

*dies laughing*

oh boy…