Stephanie McMahon tackles the important role of Scarlett O'Hara to become...Stephanie O'Hara!!!
Chris Jericho has been duped into believing he'll be playing Jon Bon Jovi in a rockumentary, when all along he was penciled in to play Rhett Butler as...Rhett Jericho!!!
Shawn Michaels got threatened to be fired unless he signed on to play Ashley Wilkes and change his name to...Shawn Ashley Michaels!!! (yeah, I know, real lame! x_x)
By some miracle of God (or maybe because the casting director was too scared or too stoned to realize what he was doing), Victoria got the role of the gentle and kind-hearted Melanie Wilkes and will appear in the movie as...Victoria Michaels!!!
Despite obviously not being black or even female, Hulk Hogan was the only one under Vince McMahon's sphere of influence who was both big and old enough to play the ancient Mammy, which is why he'll now be known as...Hulky, the Mammy-in-Drag!!!
Terri will have to have her face blackened with ash (and the McMahon family will probably have lawsuits coming out of their asses once this ordeal is over) to play the ditzy little nurse/maid, Prissy, but for the moment she will be referred to as...Prissy Terri!!!
Trish Stratus will play the stiff-necked spinster loser sister of Ashley, India Wilkes, because quite honestly, everybody's getting sick of seeing her Wonder Woman-ing around beating all the other divas, which is why she'll now be...Trishia Michaels, the ultimate old maid!!!
Sable will have no problem making the role of a prostitute all her own--if only she could just act instead of overeact!--as the madam of a brothel, Belle Watling, when she becomes...Sabelle Watling!!!
Kurt Angle will also have no problem playing his role--this one of a poor guy getting harassed and bullied by Stephanie 24/7--when he got lured with a year's supply of milk into playing Stephanie's second husband, Mr. Frank Kennedy, as...Mr. Kurt Angle!!! (like, duh!)
Jeff Hardy will now be playing Stephanie's first husband and Victoria's older brother, Charles Hamilton, when the original Mr. Hamilton, Zack Gowan, knocked him out with his prosthetic leg to escape being wrangled into that particular role, so the multi-colored Mr. 2Xtreme will now be...Jeffrey Hardy!!!
Nidia will play the Spawn of Satan--urk, that is, Stephanie and Jericho's beloved daughter, Bonnie--simply because she's the only diva with curly hair, which is why you'll see her in the movie as...Niddie!!!
Stone Cold Steve Austin will fit perfectly as the brash and loud-mouthed father of Scarlett, Gerald O'Hara, when he signed on the dotted line while in a drunken stupor to play...Austin O'Hara!!!
Because she's just so darn nice, Molly Holly will be the all-great and all-nice and all-ladylike mother of Stephanie and wife to Austin (poor girl!), Ellen Robillard O'Hara, as...Molly O'Hara!!!
Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson are Stephanie's younger sisters, Suellen and Carreen, simply because the casting director couldn't find anywhere else to stick them and needed two more chicks to fill those roles, so now we'll have...Stacy and Torrie O'Hara!!!
"Oh, wow," Foley mumbled when he was finished. "Talk about a time bomb--or a lawsuit--just waiting to happen." Dreamer tsk-tsked, shaking his head and wondering out loud, "I wonder how all this came about."
Ten Months Earlier...
Vince
and good ol' J.R. paced rapidly around the main WWE offices in Connecticut,
wondering why on God's green earth the ratings were still plummeting faster
than Michael Jackson's album sales.
"I
just don't understand it," Vinnie Mac lamented, pounding his fist against
the wall and then wincing when he realized what a stupid move that was
and nursing his bruised knuckles. "I mean, us McMahons hogging up the airwaves,
new talent being introduced without any build-ups or storylines, La Résistance
using those lovely voices of theirs to sing France's national anthem, Big
Show lodged in the main event as tightly as if he were lodged in a Brooklyn
manhole--what are the fans' problems? These are brilliant storylines!"
"By
God, by God, that old hoss is completely right!" J.R. hollered at the top
of his lungs in agreement.
"It
must be the creative team's fault--they're misinterpreting all my brilliant
ideas!" Vince raged, shaking a hand accusingly at the creative team--Stephanie
boredly filing her nails while sitting with her feet propped up and her
legs crossed on the long walnut table, Triple H breathing down the necks
of five balding middle-aged men in pinstripe suits, Bubbles the chimp hovering
over a typewriter and working diligently at spelling out the word "poo-poo"...and,
of course, Paul Heyman in a corner, tied and gagged and with a pointy hat
that read "Weirdo Walrus" plunked over his head.
"Yes,
those writers' abilities to rightfully interpret your brilliant ideas are
running from their minds like scalded dogs with their tails between their
legs!" J.R. sucked up with a bit too much zest, waving his hat around for
emphasis.
As
Vince and J.R. continued to ponder over their problem, Stephanie turned
around, languidly blowing on her nails, and mentioned, "You know, Daddy,
a lot of celebrities who can't act worth crap are making movies nowadays."
"Oh,
really?" her father asked with about as much enthusiasm as if he'd just
been told that Goldberg was planning on trying out Rogaine. Hunter, however,
looked up, as he agreed with his wife-to-be, "She's right, Vince, and many
of these suckers are raking in a lot of money, no matter how badly they
act."
"Oh,
really?"
Now Vince's enthusiasm level had shot up to the level of being told that
Sable was planning to augment her breasts bigger than Pamela Anderson's,
as Stephanie nodded and pointed out, "Definitely, Daddy--I mean, just look
at how pitiful Rock's performance was in The Scorpion King, yet
it still made a reasonable amount of money."
"So
what you're saying," Vince muttered to himself, beginning to catch on,
"is that I should finance a WWE movie to make some money and draw the fans
back into our product."
"That's
right," Stephanie nodded, going back to her nails again. Vince began stroking
his chin in that evil way that villains with goatees do when they're plotting
some mega-evil conspiracy to take over the world, when suddenly, an idea
occurred to him and he sighed and shook his head.
"There's
only one problem with my moneymaking scheme that I thought up all by myself,
however," he brought up. "Our creative team is completely misinterpreting
all my brilliant ideas, and any movie script by them will send our lackeys--uh,
I mean, our beloved fans--running in the other direction."
"Well,
you don't have to come up with your own original script," Stephanie
pointed out.
"Just
do a remake--it's the in thing right now," Hunter suggested.
"Yeah,
rip off some movie so old that people won't remember it and will think
it's a WWE original," Stephanie added. She then brightened up, and advised,
"Oh, like that Gone With The Wind flick! It's really old--I
mean, so old that none of our fans were even born--hell, they weren't even
conceived--when that movie was made! Nobody'll even know
we ripped it off!"
Three Days Later...
"As
God is my--my--hmm, as God is my..." Stacy tried to rehearse, squinting
at the script she held and then turning to Steiner for help. "What's that
word?"
"Oh,
I think it's German--look at that "w" and all those "s's," Mr. Freakzilla
took time out of his busy schedule of flexing and injecting to advise wisely.
Molly rolled her eyes, while Torrie glared at her best bimbo and gritted
out, "You're not thinking of trying out for the part of Scarlett O'Hara,
are you? Because we all know I'm getting that part." Stacy turned
on her and scowled.
"Oh,
yeah?" she challenged. "Well...well your face looks weird!" Torrie's hands
shot up to her cheeks, a lá Macauly Culkin in Home Alone.
"How
can you say that?" she gasped. "This is the face attached to the boobs
that graced the pages of Playboy!" Stacy waved her hands airily
back and forth in response.
"And
might I remind you (whoa, big word) that Chyna's face also "graced" the
pages of Playboy--twice!" she spat back triumphantly.
At
that moment, Stephanie walked by, calling out as she did so, "Both of you
can forget about being Scarlett, because I'm going play her part
in my daddy's movie!"
"As
if!" Trish snapped. "Scarlett's supposed to be small and slender, not have
the shoulders of a linebacker and a puffy gut to match!"
"Which
is why I fit the role perfectly," Gail Kim butted in, as Stephanie
glared at Trish for her jibe. "Look at how delightfully slender I am...and
besides, I'm the new Women's Champion! I deserve to be Scarlett!" Trish
turned on her.
"You're
Korean!" she snapped. "Forgive me while I sound like an impossible racist,
but what kind of an 1860's Southern belle is Korean?!"
"And
you're
too old to play Scarlett," Stacy reminded the blonde bombshell. "Therefore,
as the youngest diva on the roster, I ought to play Scarlett." Stephanie
cleared her throat annoyedly.
"Well,
all of you can forget about playing Scarlett, because Daddy has already
assured me that I've got the part after witnessing my stunning audition,"
she haughtily informed the other women. "So, the rest of you little people
can have fun jostling for the role of my pale, washed up, lame-brained
sidekick, Melanie!" A general huff of disappointment rippled across the
diva ranks, and five minutes later Stacy suddenly perked up and squealed,
"Ooh, witnessing--that's the word there, except without the -ing! Hah!
As God is my witness, I shall never be...hmm, what's this word, the one
that I can't pronounce and that starts with that one letter that looks
like an "n" but with a longer stick thingie?"
Meanwhile,
on the other side of the room, the men were decisively less enthusiastic
about their auditions. Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, Rob Van Dam, Matt Hardy,
and Shane Helms were sitting around a little table, looking bored out of
their minds and with Shane carefully blowing his nose on a bright green
Kleenex.
"So,
why are all of you guys here?" Shawn asked the others in an effort to make
idle conversation.
"Wife
made me," came RVD's response.
"Hunter
made me," came Nash's response.
"Pnnft-pnnft,"
Shane continued to blow his superheroic nose on his superheroic tissue.
"Well,
Lita's still pissed at me for throwing away all of her thongs thinking
they were Jeff's hair extensions, so I needed a place to hide out," Matt
admitted. He then gave a sideways glance at Shawn, and asked suspiciously,
"Why are you here?" Shawn's shoulders slumped, and he confessed defeatedly,
"Vince threatened to fire me unless I auditioned."
"Vince
stinks," Matt grumbled, "for making us do this insanely long chick flick."
"Look
on the bright side--at least nobody can gloat over everyone else's misery,
since none of us are happy about doing this," Shawn pointed out weakly.
At
that moment, the metallic doors to the auditorium where auditions were
being held slammed open, and a little portable tape player started blasting
"Break The Walls Down," as Jericho posed in the doorway.
"The
King of the World has arrived, bay-bee!" he declared grandly, and Shawn
winced and mumbled, "Cept for that guy."
"He
is
a bit too enthusiastic about this," Nash observed, narrowing his eyes skeptically.
"I wonder if he knows..." While the fearsome fivesome were discussing Jericho's
unholy glee in auditioning, Jeff Hardy had bounced over to Jericho and
asked, "Hey there blondie, what are you in here for, me I'm auditioning
for a role, see Matt forced me to come here, something about how if he's
going to have to go down, then he's taking me with him, and hey, what kind
of bleach you're using for your hair, 'cause it's totally frying it, now
I use a special kind of all-organic dye, which is why my hair is so beautiful
and smooth and perfect and unharmed and even, and have you got any Skittles?"
Jericho harrumphed self-importantly, declaring, "The King of the World
has no time to concern his Royal Gorgeousness with your insignificant little
issues, you impudent multi-colored lackey! I am here to audition
for--and get, naturally--the part of Jon Bon Jovi in what Vince has promised
me is a grandiose rockumentary motion picture masterpiece!"
"Good
for you," Jeff agreed amiably. "In that case, I want to play the lead singer
of Blondie!"
"Debbie
Harry?" Jericho guessed, bewildered. "Isn't she a girl, though?" Jeff stared
right back, as though he didn't understand how this presented a problem.
"And
so?" he wanted to know. "Hey, did you really think I've been wearing makeup
all this time just for the hell of it?!" Jericho backed off, whistling
innocently, "Another Rico. Damn!" The APA popped out of nowhere for the
wrestler formerly known as Farooq to yell, "Never steal my one and only
catchphrase again, brother!"
"Ahem!"
Hogan cleared his throat pointedly.
Back
at their table, Shawn, Nash, and Matt were watching in baffled disbelief
(Shane and RVD were too engaged in an extremely intellectual and superheroic
game of tic-tac-toe to notice anything out of the ordinary).
"They
don't know," Matt whistled. "I never thought I'd see the day where a man
even more clueless than my little brother would show himself, but good
grief, they don't know!"
"They
don't know the movie's actually some chick flick about wind," Nash repeated
in bemusement.
"Well,
I'm certainly not going to tell them," Shawn spoke up. "Matter of
fact, I'll recommend one of them to Vince to play the leading male--reduces
my onscreen time."
