Chapter 3: To Kill a Mary Sue
Dinner at Hogwarts was all the books had cracked it up to be. Memories of the zombie enchilada in mind, Annie filled her plate with healthy helpings of everything. There was definitely something exhilarating about being in this familiar place she'd read about so many times. To see, hear, smell (and taste, can't forget that, Annie thought, mouth full of bacon.) this world that had only existed on paper and celluloid, it was amazing. She didn't know where the Mary Sues came from but she could almost understand why they would come here.
Catching a glimpse of the Gryffindor table through the Fat Friar, Annie saw Hermione waving and pointing, anger turning what was probably meant to be subtle motions into stabbings. With a small turning of her head, Annie stared at her very first Mary Sue. The gagging motions weren't entirely due to the bacon going down the wrong way.
Britney Riddle had copper red hair falling down her back, all the way to her waist. The impossible color was highlighted by streaks of shocking pink. Britney's eyes were icy blue, her face abnormally pretty. She has curves in all the right places, thought Annie before realizing just what she was thinking and hating herself for it. Curves in all the right places? That doesn't even make sense! Especially for a fourteen-year-old. Annie noted that Britney was in Gryffindor, which made the whole "dating Draco" deal even more implausible.
As interesting (As a car crash or the Jerry Springer show is interesting, Annie thought madly to herself) as the Mary Sue herself were the reactions of the others. Draco rose from the Slytherin table and skipped over to the Gryffindor table to meet Britney. Everyone in Gryffindor (with the notable exception of Hermione) had their eyes on Britney, either staring stupidly or smiling at her. Among the teachers Annie saw Snape with his arm around the shoulders of professor Lupin (Is he even in this book?), beaming and what looked horribly like humming. It was like the entire scenery had been painted with a layer of saccharine. Annie felt the bacon trying to escape her system, no matter what direction.
As Britney surveyed her legions of adoring fans, her eyes finally came to rest on Annie. With a smile that would have killed a diabetic, Britney made her way to the Hufflepuff table. My God! I'm fresh blood, aren't I? A Sue-virgin. Britney was even prettier up close, her face heart-shaped, her lips ruby-red, her eyes grey as a winter morning. Annie's brain broke the surface of the poetry-puddle long enough to register the new color of Britney's eyes.
"Hi, we haven't met before, have we?"
Annie felt a daring recklessness come over her. "I don't think so, Mary. I think I would have remembered you."
Britney frowned. "My name is Britney Magenta Riddle, not Mary."
"Riddle? I knew a Riddle once. He turned out rather badly, didn't he? Relation of yours?"
Britney stared at the table in what was apparently supposed to be a tragic gesture. When she raised her head a single tear fell down her cheek in perfect choreography. "He was my father." Big fat surprise! "My mother lived in America when he came to New York. She was the only woman he ever loved, and when she died giving birth to me all the good left in him died. He became a monster and he tried to kill me, but the Avada Kedavra failed…"
"Oh, come off it!" Britney halted her tale, while several students stared at Annie. "Really, You-Know-Who had been trying to take over the wizarding world for eleven years, murdering anyone standing in his way, but he had time for a quickie with his twue wuv in America before popping back to England to do to Harry what I couldn't help notice was exactly what he did to you. Can't you even be bothered to come up with anything original?"
Britney's eyes swam in tears. She ran from the table, out of the hall, sobbing loudly. Damn, if they're all such push-overs, this will be a walk in the park…
But Annie was soon shaken out of her illusions. Almost everyone in the hall stared at her like she was Satan incarnated. Annie suddenly understood why Mary Sues were so dangerous. Snape looked absolutely furious with her. Well, that's something, at least… I've got to end this quickly.
Annie ran out of the hall, up a flight of stairs and into a corridor. She turned a corner and halted abruptly. Britney, dry-eyed and stone-faced stood with wand ready. "You're one of daddy's lackeys, aren't you? You're here to kill me, because I'm the only threat to his power…"
"Please," Annie snorted. "This has nothing to do with him. If it had I'd be too embarrassed to even try to kill you. You're just a second-rate Harry Potter after all." Annie reached inside her robes and pulled out her gun. She pointed it at the shocked Britney.
"I'm too smart and beautiful," Britney shrieked, wand waving madly. "You can't kill me! You can't!"
Annie emptied the clip into Britney Riddle, who fell to the ground. She contemplated saying something witty, but couldn't think of anything. Poking at the still form of Britney with her toe, Annie noticed how the Sue started to look blurred around the edges. Annie turned to face Hermione, who was looking at Britney's body with a somewhat confused look of satisfaction on her face.
"She's dead?" Hermione breathed.
"She's… gone," corrected Annie. The entire body was now blurry. Annie turned to Hermione and looked her in the eyes. "Tell me, Hermione, what if I told you Snape went fishing with Neville?"
Hermione's eyes widened. "He used poor Neville as bait?"
Annie sighed, relieved. "It seems the effects of Britney are wearing off. Your memories are returning to normal. 'So Sue me!' Damn, I should have said that. Oh well, another time." Britney's body was completely gone. Hermione stared at Annie as if she'd never seen her before. Annie shrugged, and walked away.
"Wait," cried Hermione. "What's your name?"
Annie looked over her shoulder, smiling. "Annie. Annie Renault."
