The Angel's Knight #36 - The Resolution
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110 miles north of Los Angeles, October 16, 2017
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I think I've gone insane again.
I've been there before, you know? Of course back then I would never even have considered the thought that I might be insane. The insane don't know they're insane, do they? But it felt exactly like this. You look out at the world around you and you know, you know without a shadow of a doubt, that none of it is real. Not in your head, no, but deep down in your gut. You know it's just a stage, the people just cardboard cutouts, all just there for my amusement, a sandbox for little Faith to play in. Therefore nothing you do is of importance, nothing has consequences, it's all just one big fake and you play along for the hell of it.
Thinking like that made it easy to kill people. How can you kill someone who isn't real anyway? I knew better even then, but I didn't allow that knowledge to touch me. I kept it hidden somewhere in the dark and locked it away.
I feel the same now. I look at the world around me, this underground slaughterhouse we have entered what feels like weeks ago, and I see all the people I've ever loved, my family, lying dead on the floor. Everyone, including the closest thing I've ever had to a sister. They're all dead, but it's not real. It can't be real. I have to keep telling myself that it isn't real. Just a charade, a stage play we put on to trick the two people ... things I'm looking at right now.
As long as I keep telling myself that I might be able to keep myself upright a little while longer.
"This has never happened before, has it?" the fat guy with the funny hat says - Whistler, I think - looking around with a confused look on his face.
"I wouldn't think so," the lawyer guy answers. "I'd certainly remember it if we'd seen this before."
I look at them and I can feel the animal inside me rattling in its cage. It's always been there, the thing that likes nothing better than to hunt and kill and doesn't care what its prey is. I've let it run free once, let it take over, and I've sworn never to let it happen again. But I want to. I want to let it out, let all the darkness come pouring up and out and tear these two to pieces over and over again.
"Get out of here," I hiss at them, my blood-drenched hands clenching into fists without any conscious effort.
They both look at me as if I was an insect that just did an interesting trick.
"The war isn't over," the lawyer says, though he doesn't sound one hundred percent certain anymore. "We need to do ... something."
I feel someone standing by my side and look down to see Celeste there. For a moment everything inside me screams to kill her, to make her pay for getting us into this. She was the one who brought us here, who set all this up. If not for her my family would still be alive.
It takes nearly all the strength I have left to reign in the animal and lock it away again. I can't allow myself to slip now. It's all just a stage show, nothing else! None of this is real! You need to be strong, Faith! My inner voice sounds remarkably like Wesley. Wesley, who is lying over there on the floor and ... I need to keep the stiff upper lip, need to keep my fucking wits together. Just a little longer.
The two bad guys still don't react to Celeste's presence.
"Lend me your voice, will you?" Celeste asks, smiling a sad smile.
I don't know what she means, but moments later I do. I can feel something inside me, something that has always been there and yet feels brand new and shiny. It's the buzz I feel whenever I go on the hunt, the humming that came over me when Diana ... B was near. It's the fire that flows through my veins when I fight all-out, no holds barred. It's all that and more and right now it's welling up my throat and into my mouth.
"Your war is over," I hear myself saying, but I have no idea where the words are coming from. Or maybe I do, but the idea is just too ridiculous to even contemplate. "All your warriors have fallen and there is no one here to claim victory for either side."
Whistler looks at me and shows me the attempt of a smile. "Well, technically you fought on our side for a long time, so ..."
"I'm not one of your warriors," I answer. I would have known that one without someone or something else putting words in my mouth. "I'm the protector of the Torch and while I may have aided your cause I've never fought in your name. Neither of you has a claim on me and I'm the only one left."
I'm not, of course. There is Dawn, there is Celeste, but both of them seem to have some kind of invisibility going. What is Dawn doing here anyway? I could have sworn ... I don't think I even thought about her once during the last ten years or so. As if I completely forgot she even existed for a while. But she's here now. Why is she here?
"You have laid down the rules of your game eons ago," I continue, saying things that bypass my brain and go straight onto my tongue. "You can't fight yourselves, you can only manipulate others into doing so. You can recruit new warriors for yourselves, but only until one side is completely wiped out, then the game is lost. Both your sides are gone, there is no one left to fight and none of you may recruit anyone new. The game is over."
The two of them look at each other, both of them trying to think of something to say, something that will dispute what I just told them. How do I know about the rules of their game anyway? But I get the feeling I understand. I know why things had to end like this, why it was the only way. And now I understand. I finally get it all.
And I finally figure out who ... what Celeste is.
"But ...," the lawyer begins, "there has to be a winner. It can't ..."
"It's a stalemate," I interrupt him. "Ever played chess? Happens all the time there. Neither of you wins, neither of you gets to have this world."
"Now wait just a minute!" Both of them seem angry now. "If you think we'll just ..."
"What will you do?" I ask them, a challenging smirk on my lips. I'm not sure I put it there, really. "Abandon your own rules? Quit the game and make all-out war in person? Fight yourselves instead of letting your pawns do it? Risk your own existence for the sake of this one little world?"
I take a step toward them and it gives me a feeling of indescribable elation to see both of them take a step back.
"Somehow I don't think you will!"
For a long moment the entire world seems to hold its breath. I don't know how powerful these two things that pretend to be people are, but after everything I've seen I doubt the world would survive if they start tearing into each other. We just double-dog-dared two primal forces to start unleashing forces that could pulverize us all and we've bet everything on them backing down rather than letting loose.
If we got this wrong...
The lawyer looks at Whistler and shrugs. "This has certainly been an interesting game, hasn't it?"
"Frustrating," the other says. "But interesting, yes. I'm almost sorry to see that it's over."
"Oh, but it's a great ending, isn't it? If for no other reason than we never had one like this before."
"Granted. Though I kind of hope it will be a while before we see its like again."
"Took the words right out of my mouth."
A moment later two bodies drop to the ground. One looks like it has been dead for decades, a decomposed corpse wrapped in a 5000-dollar-suit. The other melts like the Wicked Witch of the West and leaves nothing but a stain and a funny hat.
They're gone. Both of them. They're gone. Just gone.
And just like that things stop being fake and reality comes crushing in.
It takes me a moment to realize that the gurgling sound I hear is coming from me, tearing free of my throat as the blanket of denial I've wrapped around me tears right through the middle. They're dead! All of them, they're dead! We saved the world and everyone died! Everyone except me, the one who's supposed to give her life for the world! Why did they all have to die? Why didn't I die, too?
I don't know how I got to the floor, where all these tears are coming from, and I don't give a damn. My family is dead and I'm alone. We saved the world, but it wasn't worth this prize. Not this prize!
After about five minutes or so I notice that Celeste is standing beside me, trying to get my attention. And Dawn. Dawn is also here. I don't know how that's possible, how she can be here when I didn't even remember she existed for so long. But I don't care right now. I can see it in her eyes, so much pain, and somehow it makes my own a little less painful. She is no longer a kid, she's a grown woman, but she'll always be little Dawnie to me. During those few months in Sunnydale when B and me were okay she was like my own little sister.
We don't need words. Her arms wrap around me and I can feel her tears mix with mine as we embrace. Oh god, I never thought anything could hurt so badly, but somehow having someone there with me makes it a little bit better. Just a little bit.
"She did it again," Dawnie sobs. "Wasn't once enough? Did she have to give her life for the world three times? Isn't that two times too many?"
"Even once is too many, half-pint," I whisper to her. "But that's what she did. That's just what they all did."
I don't know how much time has passed and I don't really care, but finally I realize Celeste is still there, trying to get our attention, and I look up at her.
"Is it over?" I ask her. "Or do yet more people have to die for this fucking world?" The bitterness in my own words almost makes me flinch, but what do you expect? My family died to save this piss-poor planet and no one will even know. What about all those people who depend on us? The kids in the shelters? What will happen to them now? And what will happen to the world the next time some vampire wants to summon a greater demon or such?
"No more dying," Celeste whispers. "But it's not quite over yet."
I look at her, confused.
"Dawn! There is something you need to do now while we still have a little time left! Something only you can do."
"What?" Dawn asks, every bit as confused as me.
Celeste just smiles.
TO BE CONTINUED
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110 miles north of Los Angeles, October 16, 2017
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I think I've gone insane again.
I've been there before, you know? Of course back then I would never even have considered the thought that I might be insane. The insane don't know they're insane, do they? But it felt exactly like this. You look out at the world around you and you know, you know without a shadow of a doubt, that none of it is real. Not in your head, no, but deep down in your gut. You know it's just a stage, the people just cardboard cutouts, all just there for my amusement, a sandbox for little Faith to play in. Therefore nothing you do is of importance, nothing has consequences, it's all just one big fake and you play along for the hell of it.
Thinking like that made it easy to kill people. How can you kill someone who isn't real anyway? I knew better even then, but I didn't allow that knowledge to touch me. I kept it hidden somewhere in the dark and locked it away.
I feel the same now. I look at the world around me, this underground slaughterhouse we have entered what feels like weeks ago, and I see all the people I've ever loved, my family, lying dead on the floor. Everyone, including the closest thing I've ever had to a sister. They're all dead, but it's not real. It can't be real. I have to keep telling myself that it isn't real. Just a charade, a stage play we put on to trick the two people ... things I'm looking at right now.
As long as I keep telling myself that I might be able to keep myself upright a little while longer.
"This has never happened before, has it?" the fat guy with the funny hat says - Whistler, I think - looking around with a confused look on his face.
"I wouldn't think so," the lawyer guy answers. "I'd certainly remember it if we'd seen this before."
I look at them and I can feel the animal inside me rattling in its cage. It's always been there, the thing that likes nothing better than to hunt and kill and doesn't care what its prey is. I've let it run free once, let it take over, and I've sworn never to let it happen again. But I want to. I want to let it out, let all the darkness come pouring up and out and tear these two to pieces over and over again.
"Get out of here," I hiss at them, my blood-drenched hands clenching into fists without any conscious effort.
They both look at me as if I was an insect that just did an interesting trick.
"The war isn't over," the lawyer says, though he doesn't sound one hundred percent certain anymore. "We need to do ... something."
I feel someone standing by my side and look down to see Celeste there. For a moment everything inside me screams to kill her, to make her pay for getting us into this. She was the one who brought us here, who set all this up. If not for her my family would still be alive.
It takes nearly all the strength I have left to reign in the animal and lock it away again. I can't allow myself to slip now. It's all just a stage show, nothing else! None of this is real! You need to be strong, Faith! My inner voice sounds remarkably like Wesley. Wesley, who is lying over there on the floor and ... I need to keep the stiff upper lip, need to keep my fucking wits together. Just a little longer.
The two bad guys still don't react to Celeste's presence.
"Lend me your voice, will you?" Celeste asks, smiling a sad smile.
I don't know what she means, but moments later I do. I can feel something inside me, something that has always been there and yet feels brand new and shiny. It's the buzz I feel whenever I go on the hunt, the humming that came over me when Diana ... B was near. It's the fire that flows through my veins when I fight all-out, no holds barred. It's all that and more and right now it's welling up my throat and into my mouth.
"Your war is over," I hear myself saying, but I have no idea where the words are coming from. Or maybe I do, but the idea is just too ridiculous to even contemplate. "All your warriors have fallen and there is no one here to claim victory for either side."
Whistler looks at me and shows me the attempt of a smile. "Well, technically you fought on our side for a long time, so ..."
"I'm not one of your warriors," I answer. I would have known that one without someone or something else putting words in my mouth. "I'm the protector of the Torch and while I may have aided your cause I've never fought in your name. Neither of you has a claim on me and I'm the only one left."
I'm not, of course. There is Dawn, there is Celeste, but both of them seem to have some kind of invisibility going. What is Dawn doing here anyway? I could have sworn ... I don't think I even thought about her once during the last ten years or so. As if I completely forgot she even existed for a while. But she's here now. Why is she here?
"You have laid down the rules of your game eons ago," I continue, saying things that bypass my brain and go straight onto my tongue. "You can't fight yourselves, you can only manipulate others into doing so. You can recruit new warriors for yourselves, but only until one side is completely wiped out, then the game is lost. Both your sides are gone, there is no one left to fight and none of you may recruit anyone new. The game is over."
The two of them look at each other, both of them trying to think of something to say, something that will dispute what I just told them. How do I know about the rules of their game anyway? But I get the feeling I understand. I know why things had to end like this, why it was the only way. And now I understand. I finally get it all.
And I finally figure out who ... what Celeste is.
"But ...," the lawyer begins, "there has to be a winner. It can't ..."
"It's a stalemate," I interrupt him. "Ever played chess? Happens all the time there. Neither of you wins, neither of you gets to have this world."
"Now wait just a minute!" Both of them seem angry now. "If you think we'll just ..."
"What will you do?" I ask them, a challenging smirk on my lips. I'm not sure I put it there, really. "Abandon your own rules? Quit the game and make all-out war in person? Fight yourselves instead of letting your pawns do it? Risk your own existence for the sake of this one little world?"
I take a step toward them and it gives me a feeling of indescribable elation to see both of them take a step back.
"Somehow I don't think you will!"
For a long moment the entire world seems to hold its breath. I don't know how powerful these two things that pretend to be people are, but after everything I've seen I doubt the world would survive if they start tearing into each other. We just double-dog-dared two primal forces to start unleashing forces that could pulverize us all and we've bet everything on them backing down rather than letting loose.
If we got this wrong...
The lawyer looks at Whistler and shrugs. "This has certainly been an interesting game, hasn't it?"
"Frustrating," the other says. "But interesting, yes. I'm almost sorry to see that it's over."
"Oh, but it's a great ending, isn't it? If for no other reason than we never had one like this before."
"Granted. Though I kind of hope it will be a while before we see its like again."
"Took the words right out of my mouth."
A moment later two bodies drop to the ground. One looks like it has been dead for decades, a decomposed corpse wrapped in a 5000-dollar-suit. The other melts like the Wicked Witch of the West and leaves nothing but a stain and a funny hat.
They're gone. Both of them. They're gone. Just gone.
And just like that things stop being fake and reality comes crushing in.
It takes me a moment to realize that the gurgling sound I hear is coming from me, tearing free of my throat as the blanket of denial I've wrapped around me tears right through the middle. They're dead! All of them, they're dead! We saved the world and everyone died! Everyone except me, the one who's supposed to give her life for the world! Why did they all have to die? Why didn't I die, too?
I don't know how I got to the floor, where all these tears are coming from, and I don't give a damn. My family is dead and I'm alone. We saved the world, but it wasn't worth this prize. Not this prize!
After about five minutes or so I notice that Celeste is standing beside me, trying to get my attention. And Dawn. Dawn is also here. I don't know how that's possible, how she can be here when I didn't even remember she existed for so long. But I don't care right now. I can see it in her eyes, so much pain, and somehow it makes my own a little less painful. She is no longer a kid, she's a grown woman, but she'll always be little Dawnie to me. During those few months in Sunnydale when B and me were okay she was like my own little sister.
We don't need words. Her arms wrap around me and I can feel her tears mix with mine as we embrace. Oh god, I never thought anything could hurt so badly, but somehow having someone there with me makes it a little bit better. Just a little bit.
"She did it again," Dawnie sobs. "Wasn't once enough? Did she have to give her life for the world three times? Isn't that two times too many?"
"Even once is too many, half-pint," I whisper to her. "But that's what she did. That's just what they all did."
I don't know how much time has passed and I don't really care, but finally I realize Celeste is still there, trying to get our attention, and I look up at her.
"Is it over?" I ask her. "Or do yet more people have to die for this fucking world?" The bitterness in my own words almost makes me flinch, but what do you expect? My family died to save this piss-poor planet and no one will even know. What about all those people who depend on us? The kids in the shelters? What will happen to them now? And what will happen to the world the next time some vampire wants to summon a greater demon or such?
"No more dying," Celeste whispers. "But it's not quite over yet."
I look at her, confused.
"Dawn! There is something you need to do now while we still have a little time left! Something only you can do."
"What?" Dawn asks, every bit as confused as me.
Celeste just smiles.
TO BE CONTINUED
