Chapter Nine - The Official Designers

V/N – Extra long for your enjoyment. I am vacationing. Ha. Review, my children of the night. Mwa ha ha.

Chapter Nine - The Official Designers

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've officially descended into Hell."

There was a unanimous groan of agreement following Avery's remark. With Voldemort gone, they didn't have anyone to tell them what to do, and therefore, lounged in the furnace that was their headquarters.

Voldemort had taken Peter with him, and ordered the rest of the Death Eaters to remain in the confines of the warehouse ("If you are not all here when I get back, there will be Hades to pay.") The swamp cooler had broken down and the crowd was utterly miserable in the dead heat of July. And another unfortunate event had also occurred.

"I can't believe Charlie's Angels got canceled," Severus said, his robes sodden with sweat and sticking to his hot skin.

Lucius' eyes welled up. He pulled a trading card out of his shirt pocket and caressed it.

"Ferrah!" he yelled in between fits of angry tears. "FERRAH!" He then broke down in a weeping pile of flesh and pounded his fists against the hard floor.

Alan Stormer looked up from the mechanism he was tinkering with.

"Honestly boys," he began, welding two metal things together with his wand. "You really should get started on your jobs. Everyone else has."

Severus snarled at Alan, but Stormer was right. Even Crabbe and Goyle began their job in cleaning the foreign gunk out of all the sinks. Most of the other Death Eaters had top-secret jobs ("It's just because all these snooty bastards suck up like nobody's business." "Severus! That's not very nice!")

"We'll start tomorrow," Severus said idly, flipping through a Barbie coloring book and scribbling mustaches on the characters with a large permanent marker. "By the way, Stormer, what are you doing?"

"Nothing!" Alan closed his arms around his work possessively.

Just then, Forrest Lestrange Apparated into the room.

"Boys! I have the solution to all our problems! Hurry up Lara, ... honestly!"

Lara kicked open the bathroom door. Her hair was in her face and she was nearly falling over from the weight of the box she was holding. She sent her husband a murderous look.

"Is it a new swamp cooler?"

"Or some babes?"

"Donuts? Could it be the donuts?"

"We could only hope!"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Forrest. "Something much better. Lara, do the honors."

Lara glared as Forrest flopped down on one of the couches. With difficulty, she pulled out a large square box with a screen.

"Hot damn!" Severus shouted, jumping up in excitement. "A television!"

Forrest nodded with an "am I the man or what" look.

"FERRAH!" Lucius wailed, but was pushed aside by the curious wizards.

"Wuzzat?" Crabbe asked, jabbing the television with his scrub brush.

"Prepare to be amazed," he said, wielding a remote control. Lara plugged in a large cord in the nearest outlet. Forrest flicked the television on and waited while his wife adjusted the knobs on the front of the TV.

Slowly, a picture came into focus. There was no sound, but the Death Eaters watched intently.

"Woah-ho, lookie here!"

Lucius looked up from his fetal position. He wiped his tears away.

"What's Baywatch, Severus?" he asked, watching the screen with a sudden interest.

The wizards surrounding them shushed Lucius.

"I don't know, but it seems ... " Severus tilted his head to one side. " ... very interesting."

Lucius woke Severus up very early the next morning.

"Rise and shine, sleepy head," he said to the misty-eyed Severus. Severus rubbed his eyes and sat upright.

"What time is it?" he demanded, still a little dazed.

"Early," Lucius said, picking some lint off his sweater vest. "We have a busy day ahead of us! But first, we need to stop at my house."

"You wait here," Lucius said to Severus. Lucius entered the house and Severus pulled up a chair on the porch.

Lucius pushed open a door uncertainly on the second floor of Malfoy Manor. Afraid of disturbing Narcissa, Lucius tiptoed across the carpeted floor to a shelf. He began rummaging, but the smell of a burning cigarette made him turn around.

"Hello Narcissa," he said, a little less perky than usual.

Narcissa's eyes were sunken and bloodshot. She was sitting up amidst the sheets and frilly pillows. Her hair was in curlers and she was wearing a pink bathrobe that Lucius recognized as his own. In one hand she had a cigarette and in the other she held a glass of what appeared to be gin.

"Lucius, do you have any idea what time it is?"

Lucius twiddled his fingers.

"No," he replied, his eyes glued to the floor.

"It's six forty-two." She took a deep drag on her cigarette. "Six forty-two, for god's sake, Lucius! Do you know how long I've been up since?"

"Umm--"

"Four forty-two. Lucius, now, do you know why?" Her accent was strong and her voice was very frustrated.

"Well--"

"Because of that little monster, Lucius! Your son!"

"He's an active boy--"

"Shut up," she interjected sharply. "I stay here with that little brat and you go off to your little meetings and talk about your Charlie's Angels!" She took a long sip from her glass of gin. "For crissake, Lucius, I got things ta do, ya know?"

"I'm the man of the house!" Lucius said proudly. "I'll do whatever I please!"

Narcissa leaned over and put her cigarette out in his eye. He yelped in pain and fumbled in his pockets for his compact. While Lucius inspected his injury, the door flew open.

In came Dobby the house elf, and on his back was little Draco Malfoy. He was whipping Dobby with a belt and pretending to be a cowboy. Dobby made a sharp turn and Draco did a mid-air summersault. He rolled onto the bed and smiled at his mother.

Seizing the moment, Lucius shoved his compact back into his pocket.

"I need to be going now, dear. Official business, you know," he finished quickly and sprinted out of the bedroom.

Narcissa screeched and sobbed into her hands.

Severus narrowed his eyes.

"You're joking, right?" he said, glaring at Lucius from underneath a few strands of his greasy hair that had fallen in his face.

"No way!" Lucius squealed with delight. "I love Banana Republic!"

Severus reluctantly followed Lucius into the store. It was about midday, now. The two Death Eaters had gotten very little done, except a trip to the bank and stopping every few streets for a "snack."

The minute they entered the store, Lucius began wiggling his hips and singing aloud to the song that was playing.

"C'mon Severus! 'You're too shy, shy, hush, hush, eye-to-eye!'"

Severus hid his face in embarrassment.

Lucius did a funny dance over to a rack in the corner.

"Ooh! Sweater vests!"

"Don't you think you have enough of those things?" Severus said with an arched eyebrow.

"Oh, you can never have too many sweater vests!" said a man with a funny accent that Severus had never heard before. He had crept up behind Severus and was showing Lucius the new arrivals.

"And what will your partner be having today, hmm?" the man said, looking Severus up and down.

"Oh, Jamal!" Lucius said, admiring a teal vest. "We aren't partners! Actually, I'm here for some uniforms for some friends of mine."

"I see," Jamal said, taking one last look at Severus. "You might want to look over here, then."

Severus shivered with discomfort after Jamal escorted Lucius to rack of polo shirts.

"These would be perfect!"

Severus inched away from the two. From the corner of his eye he saw something. Could it have been ... no. But maybe ...

Severus peered from behind a rather large stack-shelf of suede ankle boots. He turned to Lucius.

"Lucius!" he beckoned quietly and harshly. "Get over here."

Lucius handed a poplin shirt to Jamal and hurried over next to Severus. He, too, glanced around suspiciously.

"What're we looking at?" he asked at last, shading his eyes from a non-existent glare.

Severus pointed a shaky hand in the direction of the counter. Instantly, Lucius bursted into shouts of merriment. He pulled Severus out from behind the shelf.

"James! Lily! Oh! It's the Potters!" Lucius waved to the couple, with Severus trailing behind like a dark little rag doll.

"Hey guys!" Lucius said. Severus groaned and avoided their gaze.

James forced a smile. "Lucius ... "

"What a pleasant surprise," Lily said. Her mouth formed a gleeful smile, but her eyes sported a "you tell him, you die" glare.

The bundle Lily was holding in her arms then began to coo. Lucius moved in closer.

"Aww! It's a widdle baby! Wassis name?" Lucius tickled the baby's chin.

"Harry," James said proudly.

"I have a boy too!" exclaimed Lucius. "They'll be the best of friends, won't you?" Lucius put a finger on baby Harry's nose. He had Lily's eyes, James' hair, but cheekbones that reminded him of someone he couldn't put his finger on.

"Lucius, I wouldn't do that. He doesn't like to--"

Not heading Lily's warning, Lucius continued to tickle the baby in a fashion that was upsetting him. In a flash, Harry sunk his teeth into Lucius' index finger. Lucius screamed and backed away. The baby only had a few small teeth, but man, did they hurt like a bitch!

Lucius straightened up in his anger. The store grew dark and his face looked menacing in the eerie shadows.

"You!" he bellowed, pointing his uninjured finger at the child. "You, Harry Potter, will suffer an intolerable fate! YOU will live a life of unhappiness and calamity! You will be doomed, Harry Potter!"

There was a flash of lightning and the room ascended out of darkness. Lucius' eyes began to water and he fled to the dressing rooms, managing to grab a sweater on his way in.

Severus, who was hiding behind Lucius looked around nervously. All eyes were on the four of them, and this was making him fell very uncomfortable.

Lily was clutching the baby very close to her body and James had a protective arm around his wife. Their eyes were penetrating Severus.

Having no idea what to do, Severus Snape let his instinct take over. He flung himself at Lily's feet and began to bawl like he never had in his life.

"Lily!" he howled dramatically. "I love you, Lily Potter! I always have!" He grabbed onto her dress and looked at her with teary pleading eyes. "Why'd you deny me, Lily? I know you love me!"

Lily and James exchanged worried glances.

"I think it's time we go ..."

"Yes, indeed ..."

Lily jerked her dress out of Severus' grip and backed toward the glass doors.

"Don't GO! DON'T LEAVE ME!" Severus cried and reached after them in vain. "Lily! LILY!"

At this time, the entire store, and several people on the street, were staring at him quizzically. He stood up resolutely and dusted off his palms.

"That oughta do it," he said, very forcedly. "Lucius, let's go."

"I'm not coming!" was Lucius' muffled reply from inside the dressing room.

"Lucius," Severus said, through nervously gritted teeth, for the stares were attached to him like magnets. "I mean it."

"No," he pouted.

Severus marched into the dressing room and pulled out Lucius by his collar. Lucius jerked loose and Severus grabbed his arm. Lucius was still holding the sweater and waved it at the cashier as he passed.

"Do you have this in a small?" he asked, but was unable to stop, for Sev had a death grip on his forearm.

As the two passed through the glass doors, Jamal ripped the sweater out of Lucius' hand.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," he said, glancing at the tearstains. Jamal then placed the sweater on the sale rack.

Outside, Severus was running swiftly across a busy street. He called to Lucius from the other side.

"Get over here, you git!" he demanded, but Lucius drummed his fingers on his bottom lip.

"I-I gotta look both ways!" he stammered, hopping from foot to foot in his anxiety.

"Oh honestly!"

Severus ran across and dragged Lucius across the busy street. Lucius covered his eyes as if it would horde off any moving vehicles.

Back at the Death Eater Headquarters, Severus called for the group's attention from the podium. As usual, the group was ignoring him, or chucking objects at him, or shooting spitballs into his hair. He coughed and then yelled:

"SHUT UP YOU BAND OF IRRITABLE SKREWTS!"

Silence descended upon the room.

"What did he just call us?"

"It doesn't matter," Severus said, changing the subject before they started a riot. "But we have some--er--business to take care of." He cleared his throat and continued.

"Due to--uh--limited funds, I have devised a system in which all of us will be branded with a mark that will prove to our 'lord' that we are faithful members. Now if you would orderly form a line and receive the--er--'Dark Mark.'"

Lestrange and Avery pushed each other for the first spot in the line. Severus attempted to reason.

"Gentlemen--"

Lara came behind both of them and knocked them out with a candlestick. She shoved their unconscious bodies out of the way and held out her arm to Severus.

Severus fumbled under the podium.

"I don't have all day, Snape," she said, impatiently tapping her stilettoed foot.

"Calm yourself, woman," he said, holding up his sharpie marker. Lara frowned, but would do anything to support her Dark Lord.

Snape hastily drew on her arm and called for the next person.

"What the hell?" Lara commented. "Being the so-called 'artist' of the group, Snape, I think even you could have done better."

"An angry face?" said Stormer, examining his arm.

"Hey Goyle! It looks like you!"

"Shuddup."

Lucius, however, was strongly opposed when it was his turn.

"Severus!" he whined. "I don't want ink on my skin! It's so soft! Feel it! It's like a baby's! Go on!"

"Lucius, I am not going to touch you," he said rolling his eyes and approaching Lucius with the marker.

"No!" he cried, clutching his arm closer. "Don't you dare, you horrid man!"

Crabbe and Goyle grabbed Lucius from behind and held him still enough for Severus to brand him with the angry face. Severus backed off when he was done, but the burly wizards held on.

"Wanna wrassle?" Crabbe challenged Lucius.

"Bet I could make ya squeal like a piggie!" Goyle added, finishing with a horrible noise.

"Eek!"

Lucius wormed free and sat on the couch. He stayed there and sulked for the rest of the evening.