AN: I'm on a roll!!! Keep reviewing, I'll keep writing. You guys are AWESOME!!! Thanks for the name suggestions, I hope you like what I decided on J. Okay, without further ado… chapter five!
Disclaimer: There's only so many ways to say that I don't own or am not in any way affiliated with this show.
He read over the words for the millionth time that day.
"Dear Chandler,
I'm so sorry that it had to happen like this. I tried to tell you at the beginning that I'm just not ready to be someone's mother, but you wouldn't believe me, and what's worse, you wouldn't let me believe myself, so I let you convince me that we could do this, together. But deep down, somewhere inside of me, I knew that I just couldn't do it, and I kept that from you. And you might call that selfish, but we both know you didn't want to hear what I was trying to say.
I was planning on staying for a week or two, to make sure the two of you were going to be okay, but the second I held that baby… I knew that if I held her again, it would make leaving that much harder, if not impossible. I know that I'm leaving my daughter in the most capable of hands. You have to understand something that I know to be true: if I had stayed, I would have left eventually. You know I can't be tied down. I don't know if I want to have children with anyone- ever. I had this child because you wanted it so badly that you convinced me it was what I wanted, too, but it's not, Chandler. I want a life outside of diapers and preschool and graham cracker crumbs- I'm only twenty five years old, for God's sake. So my leaving now, as selfish as it may seem, is really the most unselfish thing I can do for that little girl. She'll never know me, so she'll never miss me. And I'll walk away from this with no strings.
I don't want you to try and find me. If you do, please know I'll leave again. I'm moving somewhere where I can put this behind me and move on with my life, and with my career. I did love you, Chandler. And a part of me still does. But I think we both know that your heart was taken a long time ago by someone who isn't ready to give it back.
Good luck. And if she asks about her mother… tell her that her mom loved her so much that she had to leave.
Jaime.
He laughed bitterly to himself. Unselfish. Leaving him alone with their infant daughter, with no idea how to take care of something so small, so precious, so fragile… leaving because you couldn't handle growing up. That's about the furthest thing from unselfish there is, he thought.
For about a half a second, he considered running, too. How could he ever do this without Jaime? But every time the thought crept into his mind, a terrible taste crept up the back of his throat and he pictured his innocent baby daughter sleeping peacefully in the nursery, having no idea what had already happened in her short life. He'd die for her before he'd let her feel any pain.
Chandler stood up slowly from the bench in Central Park he'd been inhabiting for the past hour- or was it three? He vaguely remembered it being close to eight when he'd ran, and his watch said it was a little after midnight now. He shook his head at his stupidity. The guys must be going crazy.
"How could anyone not want you?" Monica cooed at the peacefully sleeping baby in her arms. Everyone else had gone home to sleep, leaving strict instructions to call the minute she heard from Chandler. The sympathetic head nurse, who had been briefed to the situation of "Baby Girl Bing", broke a few rules so that Monica could take care of the child until one or both of her parents returned.
"You're so beautiful. You have your daddy's eyes, you know that? You must be so confused. You've barely been alive for one day and already your world is changing. Well, let me clear one thing up for you. I'm Monica, and I'm going to love you forever. No matter what. Okay?"
"Think she can hear you?" Chandler sitting down in the seat next to her.
"Of course she can. See these things? Those are her ears," Monica said, trying to get him to smile. He did, briefly.
"How's she doing?"
"Fine. Sleeping like a champ," she said. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Walking. Thinking."
"I was starting to think you weren't coming back."
"So was I," he said, inspecting his shoes.
"I'm glad you didn't make that mistake," she said carefully.
"I just- I don't think I can do this, Monica," he said, his voice cracking at the end.
"Don't say that. Of course you can. You know why? Because there's a whole little life that's depending on you. So you can't back out now."
"I don't want to. I love her already so much…" he said, holding back tears and letting the baby grab onto his index finger.
"So just focus on that. The Jaime stuff-"
"I don't want to talk about that."
"Okay. So we won't talk about it. For now," Monica replied.
"How am I going to make this work, Monica? How am I going to do this all by myself?"
"First of all, you're not all by yourself. You have four people who stayed here until midnight worried sick about you, and one who's still sitting right here. And all of them love that little baby. So you are in no way on your own, do you understand that?" she said fiercely.
"Monica… I need you."
"I know. I'm not going anywhere," she assured him, resting her head on his shoulder.
"But, Boston-"
"Do I have a best friend with a beautiful new baby who needs my help in Boston? Chandler, I'll stay as long as you need me to."
"Thank you. For everything. I love you so much," he said, kissing her head.
"I love you too. Here. Hold your daughter," she said, shifting the baby to Chandler, who took her in his arms awkwardly. He laughed nervously.
"Look, I don't even know how to hold her," he said. "Mon… I'm scared," he said quietly.
"I know. It's okay to be scared, as long as you have faith."
"Faith in myself? That's gonna be tough, after 20 odd years of having none."
"Well, I have faith in you. And look at her. Look how peaceful she is, completely trusting. She knows she's taken care of when she's with you. She's got nothing but faith in you."
"Faith, huh?" he said to himself, stroking the baby's cheek. "Faith. I kind of like that."
"It's perfect," Monica agreed. "Hi, Faith," she whispered, softly touching Faith's head.
"Faith Elisabeth Bing. After you," he added. She grinned, tears pricking at her eyes.
"Everything's going to be okay. I promise," she said, giving him a hug.
Okay, that's a wrap for this chapter! Let me know what you think, as always. Oh, and by the way, I don't know if Monica's middle name is Elisabeth or not, but I'm taking artistic license with that one, because it goes well with Faith. Review!!!
