Title: Do What You Have To Do

Chapter: 1/? - Hold On

Author: Tári Elensar

Email: tari_elensar@hotmail.com

Category: Lily/Lucius, angst, romance

Spoilers: All Books – Not so much Order of the Phoenix however as I am pretending that most of that book didn't actually happen.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Lily has a secret. Will it be revealed sixteen years too late?

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own anything but my words. The characters and most of the places belong to a very talented lady named J. K. Rowling. I am not making money off this fanfiction. All lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan songs. I wouldn't even attempt to take credit for those strokes of genius.

Author's Note: This fic was originally posted on the 20th of April but due to "things" happening, I'm doing a re-post. Thanks to Nate for pointing out my rather stupid mistake and thanks to anyone that ever read or reviewed this fic. ^_^

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Hold on

Hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell

Hold on

Hold on to yourself

You know that only time can tell

What is it in me that refuses to believe

This isn't easier than the real thing

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A very pregnant, very distressed Lily Potter eased herself down onto the couch in her large but modestly decorated living room. She placed her hands over her stomach and bit down on her bottom lip as the baby kicked inside her, a painful reminder of the reality she was living. How could I let things get so out of control? she wondered as she stared down at the rounded bump on her usually slender and frail frame. The bump that had become a ticking time bomb that threatened to blow apart every piece of her life that she had tried to keep hidden. It was only a matter of days now and the truth would come out. Lily had no idea how she was going to deal with that. A tear slipped down her pale cheek and she stiffened as a hand rested on her neck and began to massage gently.

"What are you doing?" she choked out, the raw emotion and pain she felt visible in her voice, which, to all but two men seemed to be the result of the last year of hiding and running from a Dark power greater than any the world had ever seen.

The warm, gentle hands continued to kneed the tense muscles in a loving motion that made Lily want to be sick - not from the gesture but from the continued realisation that her own actions had destroyed everything and that everyone was so close to knowing. Again, Lily felt that dull ache in her stomach, an ache that came from shame and sadness as well as the longing for the life she'd always dreamed of.

James Potter moved so that he was sitting next to his beloved wife on the couch and gently continued massaging.

"You looked tense darling," he replied in a calm voice. He held his breath, hoping that Lily wouldn't snap at him or burst into tears, as she was so prone to do these days. He figured the stress of not knowing what could happen to either of them or their children was weighing down on her. James hated that he couldn't protect the women he loved. He hated even more that he couldn't protect her in the condition she was in.

"Lily," he whispered reassuringly. No matter what he would try to save her. "Darling, everything will be okay. Trust me. I promise I'll look after you. I won't let them take you or the baby. Or Harry. The three of you mean the world to me. I will protect you or die trying."

Lily pulled away. She hated hearing her husband speak like that. If only he knew the truth. If only he knew why they were being chased. I can stop all this James, she thought as she brought her tired eyes up to meet the distressed ones of a man that was so trusting and so loving that it made her ashamed that he even knew her. Maybe this would be for the best, she thought as her eyes filled again with hot tears that stung and made James' image blur. Maybe when he comes everything will end and I'll never have to explain anything. Maybe I can save you and take my secret with me so you can move on with your life and pretend you were never married to rubbish like me.

Lily tore her eyes from James and her heart pained when she spotted Harry's cot in the corner. She could hear his soft snores and fear filled her. What would happen to Harry? He would grow up without ever knowing his mother. But at least he wouldn't know what his mother was or what she did.

No, Lily told herself firmly. No you have to continue to play this out. Be the good wife, the caring mother and let this happen. Forget him and move on. Lily closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them she realised James was still staring at her, in mild shock. Lily's hands began to shake and a single tear fell slowly down her cheek.

"I do trust you," she whispered, hating herself as James reached up to wipe the tear from her cheek. "I'm just...I'm scared..."

"For who?" James asked quietly.

Lily swallowed hard. "For us. For Harry. For the baby. For Re--" Lily caught herself before it was too late. Silently, she scolded herself. She'd nearly tripped up. "For Peter," she corrected herself. "I'm scared that if they find him and know that he's our keeper they might torture him or worse, to find out where we are."

James remained silent for a moment. He'd caught Lily's mistake. He knew that she had almost said 'Remus' and he felt a pang of guilt. He still felt terrible that he had distanced himself so much from his friend but lately he'd been having second thoughts about Remus' loyalty. The usually kind and caring werewolf was the first to act distant from James. He'd run off as fast as the wind every time they ran into each other and he barely spoke to James when the Marauders were together. It seemed Remus was a completely different person and James was scared for what that meant. Therefore, when Sirius had refused to become their keeper, James had no choice but to go to Peter. James, not knowing the real truth, still thought this bothered Lily.

He took a deep breath. "Lily it'll be okay," he told her. "I know you still think we should have used Moony but you know how he's been acting lately. I couldn't risk that and it kills me to even think about it." James' forehead creased with worry and hurt but he continued. "Trust me. Wormtail won't let us down. I know it." He cupped her face gently in one hand and rested the other on her stomach. "Those warnings that Dumbledore sent us are like all the others. I'm sure of it. False alarms. Things will be okay."

In truth, James was terrified. He was scared for himself, his wife and his family. With Lily so close to giving birth he didn't even want to imagine what could happen if she did when an attack started. This is a nightmare, he thought. I have everything I could ever dream for but yet nothing's ever that simple.

Lily opened and closed her mouth, unable to say what was on her mind or to even string a simple sentence together. She lowered her eyes, grateful that James was no longer looking at her with pity but was staring at Harry's cot with a distant look in his eye. Lily looked down to her hands and almost winced when she saw the ring that adorned her right ring finger. It was his ring. He had given it to her that first night they had been...close. She fought back more tears as she stared at the intricate design that danced around the band of the silver ring. Patterns and symbols that to the untrained eye would mean nothing, but to her and to all that were associated with him, meant everything.

It grieved Lily inside and she wondered why she still wore the ring that she had told James she'd bought at a market. She remembered when he gave it to her. It had been too big and so he pulled out his wand and quickly shrank it so there was no chance it could slip off.

"This way I will always be with you," he had whispered before sliding his hands under her long red hair and pulling her to him in a passionate kiss. She remembered feeling terrified yet excited at the prospect of broadcasting their love on her delicate fingers and often when she was at home she felt the urge to pull it off. She couldn't risk James finding out.

However as Lily reached down for the millionth time to pull the ring over her knuckles she paused and imagined his face, his hurt, tired eyes begging her not to let go and so she stopped. For he had a power over her so great that Lily knew that they would never truly be apart. She would never truly let go.

This was also why she had never gotten rid of the baby.

Lily tore her eyes from her fingers. She longed to tell James the truth but the fear of what would happen if she did was always a welcome reminder to why she couldn't. He would never understand and anyway she couldn't tell him like this. It would be more painful than any of the Unforgivable Curses. However, she had to say something. She couldn't just sit here like this.

Taking a deep breath and building up her courage Lily reached for James' hand. "James," she started. "I just--" she gasped, cutting herself off. A sharp pain had shot through her stomach and she doubled over, breathing heavily. "James," she moaned.

James ripped his eyes from Harry and stared wide eyed at his wife. "Lily? Darling? What is it?"

As the pain sliced through her, Lily managed to look up and utter, "The baby James. The baby is coming."

James paled. This was all his worst nightmares coming true. The baby couldn't come now. "Lily...we can't leave the house. Not tonight. I know I said the warnings may be false alarms but we can't take that chance..."

Lily moaned and clutched her stomach painfully. "This baby isn't waiting for anyone James," she choked out and she gasped again when she realised her water had broken. Her eyes watered and for a moment Lily felt nothing. She felt like she was floating and then they came. Images and visions. Hundreds flying at her at once. She saw him. She needed him to be here. She couldn't do this without him. But soon his image left her and Lily was covered with a wave of cold panic as the pain came back to her, shooting through her body like knives. It won't matter if I have this baby now, Lily realised suddenly. It won't matter at all. Everything will end tonight and I can't stop it. Lily let out a cry.

"Oh god," she breathed, trying desperately to stand up.

Frantically James tried to push her back down. He pushed his glasses up his nose and looked around like a frazzled professor. "Lily no, you need to lie down. I promise...I'll find help. I'll get Padfoot. He'll find someone...He'll...I'll be back in a moment. Just…just stay there--"

With a burst of strength Lily clutched the front of James' robes and held on tightly as she struggled to keep standing. "James no," she gasped. "It won't matter. It's too late. He's here."

James shook his head, looking confused. "No, no," he assured her. "No the baby isn't here yet darling, you're still in labour. Your contractions just started."

Now Lily started shaking her head, tears spilling down her cheeks as she let go of James and limped over to Harry's cot. She reached in and tried to pull Harry out. "Not...Not the...baby..." she spoke joltingly as she was hit again with a wave of agony that she knew had nothing to do with the birth of her baby.

James cringed as he saw the obvious pain his wife was going through. He had to do something. He reached for his wand but Lily then uttered the words he'd been dreading since he'd first heard them.

"Voldemort."

It was the only time Lily had ever uttered his name past her pale lips and the sound made James freeze with fear.

"How do you...?" he started but a noise from downstairs shot chills up both their spines. Then there was silence. All that could be heard was Lily's ragged breathing and Harry's muffled cries.

Lily's eyes met James' across the room and a moment of understanding passed through them. This was real. This was happening and neither of them had any control over it.

But I might, Lily thought frantically. Maybe I can reason with him. However, she knew what the price would be. Her baby for her husband and son. Was she prepared to give up the only real proof that she had once experienced a love so true it made Lily feel as though her insides were turning inside out at the very thought of being away from him?

Lily heard James let out a breath and as though it was a signal, Lily clutched Harry to her tightly, ready to do whatever he ordered.

James was striding towards the stairs, a set look on his grim face. "Take Harry," he whispered seriously, the moment of panic gone. Lily was holding enough panic for the both of them. "Take Harry and get out of here," he ordered. "Find Padfoot...And Moony if you must. Get help. I'll try and hold him off as long as I can."

Lily shook her head. "James no," she said. "You're a strong wizard but you're not strong enough for this. And besides...he's not...I mean...if I..." Lily was torn. The pain shot through her body again. It was killing her and the urge to take her son and run was programmed deep inside her mothering instincts, however inside she knew that she was who You-Know-Who wanted. She should have told James long ago. It would have hurt him but it would have saved him and now...

A pale yellow light had suddenly bathed the room and Lily could see it brighten at the bottom of the stairs. She bit back a hysterical cry. She had waited too long. James pushed her gently. "Lily go!" His voice was urgent and he looked in no mood to listen to excuses, no matter what they were.

Lily stared at James for only a moment more. She kissed the top of Harry's black haired head and then crossed the room to James' side. She stared deep into his hazel eyes hoping that one day James could find it in his heart to forgive her for everything that she'd done to them.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. She'd never loved James as a husband but she cared and trusted him more than she did anyone in this world. And then she'd betrayed him and now he was going to die for her.

James looked confused and scared but time was running out. The yellow glow was getting brighter and filling the dark room although no other sound could be heard.

"Lily just go," James pleaded with her as he took one last look at his wife and son. "Take the back stairs and just go. Please. I'll try and hold him off."

Racked with guilt Lily lent over and kissed him gently. "I'm sorry," she said again before fleeing the room, not wanting to look back, not wanting to be reminded of their fate.

Running while holding a baby and feeling the pain of one that wasn't waiting for anyone, wasn't easy and Lily stumbled more than once before she got to the back stairs. Harry let out a cry and Lily couldn't help but pause. She'd forgotten her wand! It was lying on the couch in the living room. Lily turned to go back but a low, menacing voice was speaking and she froze, straining her ears as she heard her husband speak.

"Leave us alone! We have nothing you want!"

A high pitched cackle reached Lily's ears, a sound she knew would plague her nightmares forever if she survived.

"Silly boy," she heard a voice sneer. "You don't have anything I want. But your pretty little wife does. You're just an interference in this game of cat and mouse." Lily heard a pause. All she could hear was the sound of her breathing and beating heart. "But if you're willing to die for your betraying wife, so be it," the voice finished.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" James cried back, the fear and anger in his voice visible. "Now get out!"

Lily's eyes widened as she saw a flash of blue light. The yellow light flared up, rivaling it and as the two mixed to a bright green, another shot of pain tore through Lily's body. James' cries echoed in her ears. Get out of here! her brain screamed at her. Lily knowing she'd already wasted too much time hurried down the stairs into her kitchen. All she had to do was get to the back door, only a few feet away. Then she'd go down the path and down the road and get Remus. Remus would know what to do. He'd be able to protect her and if not her, her baby. Lily regretted that she wouldn't be able to Disapparate but she figured it had something to do with her pregnancy as she'd tried it a few months ago and ended up way off her target. She couldn't risk that now.

There was only a short sprint to the back door and then she'd be out of the house. Lily took a deep breath and clutched Harry to her. Then she started to run.

She'd barely gone two feet before someone appeared in front of her and Lily went crashing into them. She felt a cold chill wash over her as they made contact and she fell to the ground, hoping she wouldn't crush Harry or the baby. Harry was crying loudly.

Tears streaming down her own face, blinding her sight, Lily tried to get a look at the person she'd just bumped into. Her gaze went up the long black robes to the face of the person wearing them. She knew exactly who it was.

"Please," Lily begged him. "Let me go. Let me save my son. Harry has done nothing."

"But you are his mother, are you not?" Lord Voldemort asked, his deep silky voice savouring each word as he spoke it. "You can never be sure."

Lily knew what he was talking about but took no notice. All she had to do was get out. She needed to save Harry. Her life and baby's were in the hands of this monster now, but she knew Harry wasn't supposed to die. Not here, not on this night. Scooping Harry up under one arm, she tried to crawl towards the back door but Voldemort stepped in front of her.

"You know what's curious?" he asked as though continuing a normal conversation.

Lily didn't answer. Voldemort banged his staff on the ground in front of Lily's face making her jump, her heart beating so hard she thought it would jump out of her chest.

"Do you know what's curious?" he barked again.

Sobbing, Lily shook her head. "No," she whispered.

Voldemort's contorted face twisted into an evil grin. "Well I don't know about you but I'm rather eager to know what colour hair that baby will have. Will it be dark brown like their brother? Red like their mother? Or perhaps white-blonde? Now tell me Lily Potter. Why would the wife of James Potter give birth to a child with white-blonde hair?"

Lily didn't answer but this time Voldemort seemed in no mood to play games. "You should have learnt by now Lily. Mudbloods don't mix with purebloods. Especially my purebloods. I would suggest that next time you keep to you own filthy kind...But dear me. There won't be a next time."

Lily let out a scream as she felt another contraction and fell flat on the wooden floor. She reached out and tried to grasp Harry closer to her. She was so powerless. Her wand was miles away and she couldn't stand because of the pain shooting through her. But above all, her mind was tired. Tired from the worrying and the pain. Tired from loving him.

However as the monster cackled and she saw the light from Voldemort's wand fill the room, consciousness started to slip away and Lily wished with all her heart that she could see him one last time. But she never did.

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