Title: Do What You Have To Do
Chapter: 3/? - Path of Thorns
Author: Tári Elensar
Email: tari_elensar@hotmail.com
Category: Lily/Lucius, angst, romance
Spoilers: All Books - Not so much Order of the Phoenix however as I am pretending that most of that book didn't actually happen.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: [LM/LP] - Lily has a secret. Will it be revealed sixteen years too late?
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything but my words. The characters and most of the places belong to a very talented lady named J. K. Rowling. I am not making money off this fanfiction. All lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan songs. I wouldn't even attempt to take credit for those strokes of genius.
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There's no more coming back this way
The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They've torn the lifeblood from your naked eyes
Cast aside to be forlorn
…Funny how it seems that all I've tried to do seems to make no difference at all…
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Remus Lupin smiled as he walked down the corridors of Hogwarts once again. Memories of his days at school, his days teaching and not-so-great memories of when Voldemort tried to overthrow the school only a year ago, filled his head and consumed his thoughts. It was hard to remember why he was even here. However deep inside Remus knew he couldn't forget. He'd made a promise sixteen years ago and he wasn't intending on breaking it - no matter how many people he ended up hurting.
"Remus are you sure you can't tell me what's going on?"
Remus turned his head, the deep voice of Sirius Black breaking through his thoughts. "Sorry," he apologised regretfully. "But I can't. You of all people should know that Sirius."
Sirius dodged past a group of fourth years that were looking at him warily and tried to act as though their reaction didn't phase him. Remus knew better though but decided not to mention it.
"Remus I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius started. "I've never ever kept a secret from you--" He stopped abruptly. "Oh...except that one time..."
Remus knew he had to stop bringing up things from years past but he was still hurt that James had chosen Sirius to be his Keeper and when Sirius refused chosen Peter instead. I suppose it's my fault too, Remus reasoned. I never was completely honest with him. I was a Keeper to someone else...And that cost me my friendship with James.
Remus sighed as he stopped outside Dumbledore's office. "Never mind Sirius," he said, patting his friend on the arm. "It is in the past. Although from my experiences, often the past isn't your past at all. But your present and future. Take you for example."
Sirius frowned but he knew what Remus was talking about. Although he'd been on the run for a few years Sirius had only been officially released from Azkaban six months ago. Before he had escaped, Remus was certain that he had to let go of Sirius. He was the past. But then within a matter of seconds Sirius proved himself innocent and the past and the present shifted making a whole new future.
Which is what I'm here to do today, Remus thought swallowing hard.
Sirius noticed the look on Remus' fair face. "Moony?" he asked him softly, using his nickname. "Please tell me. I don't like it how this secret troubles you."
Remus shot Sirius a half smile. "I'll be okay," he promised. "And I'll tell you...But I must speak with Dumbledore first--" He stopped abruptly as Dumbledore appeared at his office door.
"Remus, Sirius," he smiled. "I've been expecting you. Come on up."
The two remaining Marauders followed the Headmaster to his office and both took seats across from him at his table. Sirius was barely seated five seconds before he jumped up again to go say hello to Fawkes the Phoenix. It seemed to Remus that Sirius felt a lot more comfortable around animals these days. It was though he believed that humans still judged him and still thought he murdered all those people although he had been proven innocent with a confession from Peter Pettigrew himself. Because of it Sirius was now always jumpy and edgy and could never sit still. Remus and Dumbledore however accepted this and started to talk without him.
"Does he know?" Dumbledore asked Remus in a low voice motioning to where the dark haired man was patting Fawkes and talking to him softly.
Remus shook his head. "I just had to bring him. He gets restless at home."
Dumbledore nodded. "That's understandable...But what is that you wanted to talk to me about? I have known for some time now that you possess a secret from long ago. And now here you are, ready to speak of it. What's changed Remus?"
Remus sighed and started to look around the room. He'd always loved the Headmaster's office. Ever since he was a young werewolf visiting Hogwarts for the first time. There was something about this place that made him feel safe. It also seemed fitting that this was the first place he'd found out about the first stage of his - no Lily's - secret.
"Remus?" Dumbledore coaxed and Remus fell back to Earth.
"Sorry," he apologised quickly. "What has changed? Professor…I don't know if you knew but...the secret was not meant to be kept forever. I was...I was supposed to tell those involved the truth when...It was supposed to be sixteen years after--"
"Sixteen years?" Dumbledore asked sharply. "The anniversary of James and Lily's death was two months ago....Sixteen years it has been." The old Headmaster paused for a moment. "It has to do with Lily, doesn't it? That is why James didn't make you their Secret Keeper. You were keeping her secret. Then it is you that--"
"What?" Sirius had joined them again. "Your secret has to do with Lily and James' death?" Sirius watched Remus suspiciously. "Moony you can't keep this from me. I have a right to know too."
Remus felt torn. He had held this secret inside of him for so long now. Although it was her wish to tell people of it now, it still seemed wrong. However, from the way Dumbledore was looking at him Remus felt sure he already knew.
"Calm down Padfoot," Remus said gently. "I will tell you." He took a deep breath and turned to Dumbledore. "But I what say can never leave this room. She left this burden upon me. Therefore, it is my burden to look after. Do you understand?" He looked sharply at Sirius.
And then finally reassured that he was doing the right thing, the three of them huddled together speaking in hushed tones, Remus telling them the story that had been tormenting him for sixteen long years.
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"Lily you have to stop doing this," Remus hissed as he waited for Dumbledore to join them.
"Remus I can't. And it's not up to you anyway. I told you to stop following me and now we're both in trouble." She slumped down in her chair, arms across her chest and looked around Dumbledore's office not bothering to take in the many wonders that filled the room but instead looking for an exit. She couldn't be expelled from Hogwarts. She'd never see him again.
"Lily I can't let you go wandering around the halls at night, alone, after him. You don't know what he's like. He's dangerous."
Lily turned to Remus her eyes flashing. "You have no idea. He is nothing like that. He loves me Remus. He loves me. I don't want to be expelled but I have no choice."
Remus laughed shortly and turned away so he wouldn't have to look at her. "You won't get expelled for being out of bed. It's not like you were found in Astronomy Tower. Just in the halls with me. And you know that with my...condition...we can come up with many reasons for being out of bed."
There was a pause and Lily bit her bottom lip. "Thank you Remus," she said softly.
Remus just shrugged. There was a longer pause and then finally he spoke again. "Do you love him Lily?"
Lily didn't need to pause this time. "Yes."
"What about James?"
What about James? Lily wondered. Why am I going out with James when I'm in love with Lucius Malfoy?
Because you and Lucius will never be allowed to be together, a voice in the back of her head reminded her. And so you're with James and he's with Narcissa and no one is any wiser. Except Remus.
"Remus I'm going to tell you the truth," Lily said softly, looking around to make sure the door was still closed. She lent across the gap between their two chairs to get closer to him. "I'm in love with Lucius," she whispered. "But his family and the Slytherins would never accept it. My friends would never accept it. It would be a scandal for everyone involved. Therefore, I'm staying with James. I do care about him. I do. Just not like I care about Lucius."
Remus looked angry. "That's not fair to James," he told her. "Prongs loves you and you risk it all for a Malfoy? Tell me Lily, are you sure it's worth it?"
Lily smiled. She'd never been more sure about anything in her entire life.
"Yes."
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Remus entered the Great Hall, Sirius close at his heels. After their meeting, Dumbledore insisted that they go feast with the rest of the school. As they walked down between the tables everyone stopped, turned and stared. Remus could feel Sirius getting edgy next to him. He rested a hand on his friend's arm to calm him and steered him down towards the teacher's tables. Remus himself was also a little nervous about being here with all the students. Ever since they had discovered he was a werewolf, he'd been getting evil eyes and horrid mail from parents. People are so cruel, Remus thought as he paused near the Gryffindor table. Afraid of the things they know nothing about – like I was.
"Well if it isn't Harry Potter," he said with a gentle laugh as he laid eyes on a familiar scruffy dark head.
Harry turned his head and his eyes widened when he saw Remus and Sirius. "Professor Lupin!" he exclaimed. "Sirius!" He jumped up to hug his godfather. Sirius hugged him back, surprised and pleased at the rare show of public affection that he wasn't at all used to.
When Harry turned to Remus, Remus was also surprised when the seventeen year old wizard hugged him. Remus laughed again. "It's not Professor Lupin," Remus reminded him for the hundredth time. "You know that. It's Remus. Just Remus."
Harry laughed too and then beckoned for the two older men to follow him down the table to where Ron, Hermione and Ginny sat.
"What are you doing here?" Harry asked Remus as Ron shook Sirius' hand and Hermione, not bothering to hide her excitement in seeing him, also hugged the dark haired man.
Remus smiled at the surprised look on his old friend's face. Things are going to get better for you Sirius, Remus promised silently. And somehow it's these kids that have been able to do more for you than any person in this world. Even me…
"We were here to see Professor Dumbledore," Remus explained before saying hello to Ron and giving Hermione a hug. "He insisted that we stay for dinner."
"You can sit with us," Harry said excitedly as he started asking people to move over. He loved having Remus and Sirius around. They were like the family he never had. And sometimes when they told him stories about his real family, it felt as though James and Lily Potter were right there with them.
Remus glanced at Sirius and noticed that his eyes were narrowed and he was looking up at the teacher's table. Following his gaze Remus found the root of the problem. Severus Snape was sneering at them, his cold hard eyes fixed on Sirius as though he was still in dog form. "Come on Padfoot," Remus said grabbing the sleeve of his robes and pulling him down on the nearest seat.
Remus sat down next to him and looked at the girl sitting on his other side. "Hi," he said gently as Ginny Weasley turned bright red.
She nodded and gave him a shy smile. "Good to see you again Professor Lupin." She started fiddling with the chain that hung around her neck.
"Remus," he corrected. "I'm a friend now. How have you been Ginny?"
As the two sat talking for a moment Remus felt that familiar feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. How was he going to tell Lily's secret to those that it would matter most to? For a second he regretted the fact that Lily trusted him the most of all their friends. She had left him with something that was bound to blow apart the lives of more that a few people. Remus hated that. However, what he hated most was that Lily wasn't here herself. Remus often missed his friend. When a lapse in his and Ginny's conversation happened he took the moment to glance at Sirius who was talking animatedly to Harry, Ron and Hermione. Remus smiled. At least he still had Sirius.
As dinner appeared on the table in front of them, Remus picked up his fork ready to eat. It was at that moment Draco Malfoy and his minions Crabbe and Goyle entered the Hall. Draco shot a nasty glare in the direction of Harry and his friends and Remus felt his stomach flop. Sirius glanced at him and they shared a worried look. Remus had a feeling this was going to be a lot harder than expected.
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"Harry? Did Sirius and Remus end up telling you why they were here?"
Harry looked up from his Divination homework, slightly annoyed that he'd been interrupted from it again, although slightly pleased. He and Ron were having a hard time making up predictions since they seemed to have already predicted everything, including the apocalypse - twice! Harry shrugged as Hermione watched him, her eyes curious.
"I don't think so," he said. "Something to do with speaking to Dumbledore...Suppose it could have to do with Sirius' money. Did you hear that the Ministry is giving him a huge settlement as an incentive for keeping him in Azkaban for so long? He's going to be richer than Malfoy. He won't need his parent's money ever again."
Hermione smiled and leaned back in her usual armchair in the Gryffindor common room. She was happy for Sirius, she really was, but she had a bad feeling about both of them being there today. They kept shooting each other looks and sharing whispered conversations.
"I think they looked like they were up to something," she said as she pulled her Head Girl badge out of her pocket and began polishing it. Ron groaned. He'd seen enough of Percy polishing his Head Boy badge when he'd been at Hogwarts. Hermione made a face and turned back to Harry.
Harry frowned. "What would they be up to?" he asked. "It's not like they're working for Voldemort or anything. Maybe they just wanted to visit."
Continuing to absentmindedly polish her badge, Hermione stared off into space. "Maybe..." she said, although the tone of her voice made Harry almost believe that Hermione was up to something.
The three worked in silence for a few minutes. However, the silence was soon interrupted as the portrait hole flew open and a flushed Ginny ran in. "Harry!" she called frantically. "Come quickly. It's Remus. And Sirius. And Malfoy."
Harry, Hermione and Ron all shared a look before abandoning their things and hurrying out of the common room and down the steps towards the Great Hall, Ginny leading the way. As they neared the main entrance hall Harry spotted Remus trying to hold Sirius back while Lucius Malfoy, as cool and calm as ever spoke to them in a low tone. They got close enough to hear just as Lucius was in mid-sentence.
"...which goes to show they let just about anyone in this place these days. A werewolf. And a criminal. I certainly hope they keep you both locked up at night. I wouldn't want animals like you two roaming the halls while my Draco sleeps."
Too true, Harry thought holding back a giggle. Remus and Sirius could become animals. However, the look on both of his friend's faces quenched his urge to laugh and Harry found himself striding towards Lucius his wand clutched in his hand.
Lucius looked delighted. "Well well well..." he said, a smirk on his handsome face. "Look who came to stand up for his dead father's school chums. Kind of...sweet really."
"Shut up Malfoy," Harry snapped, feeling the anger within him grow. He sized up to Lucius realising he was nearly as tall as him now. "At least my father had friends."
Lucius didn't waver at all. "What would you say if you knew," he mused, looking quite smug. A glazed look had come over his face making him look even more deadly. He didn't scare Harry though.
Ignoring Ginny and Hermione who were trying to hold him back while Remus and Ron kept a grip on Sirius, Harry spat out, "I don't know what you're talking about Malfoy. And I don't care. Just leave us alone."
"The castle is open to anyone Harry," Lucius reminded him again as he walked around swinging his staff as if to illustrate his point.
Finally giving into the struggle with Hermione and Ginny, Harry stopped. "Not to those that are in league with Voldemort," he retorted.
"Harry!" Remus exclaimed finally as Sirius too stopped struggling. "Go back to your rooms. This doesn't concern you."
"Oh but it does," Lucius snapped. "And anyway what would you know you useless little scar headed boy? The Malfoys may have 'drifted' for a little while there but we have proved beyond his worth that our loyalties always remained with Albus Dumbledore." His top lip curled and he looked as though he had had to force out those last words. Harry felt disgusted. How could Dumbledore trust him back into the castle? The Malfoys were pure evil, everyone knew that.
Harry again tried to make a dive for him but Ginny grabbed his arm. Lucius shook his head. "A girl holding back the 'great' Harry Potter...Sad really..." Lucius took a step forward and using his snake headed staff pushed a lock of Ginny's red hair out of her eyes so he could match his own grey eyes with hers.
At that Remus finally left Sirius' side and grabbed Lucius by the back of his robes pulling him out of the way. "Lucius we have to talk," he said, glancing at Ginny to make sure she was okay.
"About what?" Lucius asked. "I have no business with you."
Remus looked impatient. "It's important," he insisted. "Please."
Lucius smirked. "Don't embarrass yourself by begging, werewolf. If you have something to say, say it now."
Remus glanced over at Sirius who looked like he was struggling to stay back and not say or do anything. His gaze drifted across the others to Harry, Ginny, and then back to Lucius. "I would rather talk in private."
"Let me tell you now that there is no way I am going into a private room with a werewolf," Lucius informed Remus. "Sorry but here or nothing...Actually make that nothing." He glanced at his watch. "I'm late for Draco's Quidditch training." Lucius glanced at Harry distastefully. "I suppose you're training hard too."
Harry seemed confused for a moment. "For the game?" Harry asked. "Well yes but..."
Lucius shook his head. "Not the game," he told him. "For the scout. Didn't your Head of House tell you? There's going to be a scout at some of the upcoming games looking for players for the big teams. For all we know they've already been...And you didn't know. Draco's form is perfect of course." He shot Harry a sickly smile. "Well I must be off. It's been awfully nice chatting to you all. Harry, always a pleasure." He spat out his partings and left a very angry and disgruntled group behind him.
"It's okay Sirius," Harry said as he walked over to his godfather and placed a hand on his arm. "Malfoy is....he's..." He couldn't finish the sentence. He was so angry. And now he had the Quidditch scout to worry about? Why hadn't McGonagall told him? Harry turned to Remus and found him looking pale.
"Remus?" Harry asked slowly. Remus' eyes seemed locked on something but Harry wasn't sure what. He glanced at Hermione who was talking softly to Ron and then to Ginny who was sucking on her necklace again. "Remus?" Harry asked again.
As though being jolted out of a deep sleep, Remus looked up. "Sorry Harry," he said quickly. "You four should...go back to your rooms or something. Thank you for coming down although it wasn't necessary. We had things under control. We know how to handle Lucius."
"How do you know?" Hermione asked suddenly, still looking suspicious. Harry wished she'd give it a rest. Why couldn't she just be happy that Remus and Sirius were here?
Sirius looked even angrier than he did whenever Professor Snape was around. "We were at Hogwarts with him," he explained quickly. "A year above us and good friends with your charming Potions Master." He rolled his eyes before turning to Remus. "Come on Moony," he said. "We should be going. We can come again in the morning."
Remus nodded shortly. "Good night Harry. Hermione. Ron." He paused before turning to Ginny. "Good night Ginny. Take care."
Ginny nodded and the four of them watched as Remus and Sirius hurried down the stairs and out the door. It wasn't until they were completely out of sight did Hermione finally speak up.
"I told you they were up to something."
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It was a long time before anyone was able to sleep that night. Remus tossed and turned wondering how he was going to deal with the secret that had been weighing him down for sixteen years. Sirius was still in shock after finding out what Remus had had to deal with for so long. Hermione was still certain that Remus and Sirius were up to something. Ron was starting to believe Hermione and was wondering if Lucius was involved in it. Ginny was more than terrified of Lucius now and Harry was worried sick because of the Quidditch scout. He'd asked Professor McGonagall about it who said the reason she didn't tell him was because they weren't supposed to know. They were supposed to be caught on a normal day with normal talent. She then said she was quite annoyed with the Slytherins for already knowing and she'd have a word with Professor Snape about it - this cheered Harry up slightly.
But there was another that couldn't sleep that night. Lucius Malfoy. And not because he was worrying about why Remus wanted to speak with him or the things Harry had said to him; he was thinking about her yet again. He didn't think he'd ever forget. After all, it was because of him that she was dead.
Lily, my dear sweet Lily, Lucius thought as he put Harry's textbook back in the drawer again and fell onto his bed where Narcissa was already snoring loudly. If only there was something he could do with that book of Harry's that would make him forget about Lily and Harry and the whole Potter family. But for now all he could do was try and sleep and continue to be tortured with the memory of the only person that he'd ever loved.
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"You what? No...No...That wasn't part of the deal. Tell me you're joking. Tell me this isn't real."
A furious Lucius pulled out his wand and prodded it in Peter Pettigrew's chest. "This is something you'd joke about," he bellowed. "Now stop fooling around and tell me the truth. What happened?"
Whimpering Peter tried to slip out of Lucius' reach. "You don't understand Mr Malfoy sir. Our Lord...He's...No one has seen him. We think that he's...That he's...."
"You know what?" Lucius exclaimed, his eyes flashing maliciously. "I don't care. What happened? Where is Lily? Where is the baby?"
Peter dropped to the ground. "Please forgive me sir. I told him not to but you know our Master. He does not like to be told what to do. He...He killed her sir. And the baby. The only one that lives is young Harry Potter. It is said that he has killed our Master sir. It is said that..." Peter looked up, suddenly realising that Lucius wasn't pointing his wand at him anymore.
Instead Lucius stood, the wand slack at his side staring at the walls of the entrance hall to the Malfoy Manor. "She's...dead..." he whispered. Inside he knew it must have been true as the seconds before the Dark Mark on his arm had begun to fade he felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest...but he would not believe it. "She can't be dead..."
Trembling Peter stood up. "She was a Mudblood sir...She didn't deserve to live."
"She didn't deserve to die!" Lucius roared pointing his wand at Peter again. "She deserved everything. She was different from the others. He was supposed to kill the baby. He was supposed to kill the evidence. Not both of them. Why? Why?"
Lucius took a deep breath, trying to control himself. He couldn't let himself fall apart. She was after all, the perfect example of everything he was supposed to be against. However, somehow he had fallen in love with her and nothing else mattered. And now, she was dead. The only one alive was Harry Potter. Lucius detested him. He was evidence of the marriage between Lily and James and when he looked at Harry all he could see was Potter making love to his Lily. Touching and kissing his Lily.
Peter backed up into the wall, looking desperately around for an escape route. "He...The Lord...Sir he felt like you were becoming too attached to the girl. He couldn't risk his best Death Eater going over to their side...Sir...you must trust his judgement."
Lucius walked forward, his wand trained on Peter's neck. "And you must trust that I know how to use this. Lily and my child are dead. And for your stupidity in not telling me his plans earlier, I will kill you. I will make you scream. I will--"
"Lucius! Is it true? Is it true?" Narcissa burst in the front door, a worried look painted on her perfect face. A blonde baby Draco was in her arms. "Is he really gone?"
Lucius turned, pushing himself away from Peter. Narcissa stopped walking.
"What are you doing?" she asked slowly. Lucius said nothing. "What were you doing to him? Our Lord is dead and you're turning on the only people that will be able to bring him back?"
Narcissa walked to Peter's side and took his hand, leading him away from Lucius. "What has gotten into you Lucius? You're acting very strangely. The Potters are finally dead and our Lord may be lost forever. Are you out of your mind?"
Lucius stared at the floor, his eyes still flashing angrily. "Neither of you have any idea what you're doing," he spoke finally through clenched teeth. "You have no idea what's important in this world and one day that will kill you both."
Narcissa said nothing. Peter whimpered softly.
"I have to...I have to go..." Peter said, still shaking. "I have to assemble the others. We will get our Lord back. This is not the end." He let go of Narcissa's hand and started for the door.
In a final fit of anger Lucius raised his wand and pointed it at Peter's descending back.
"Crucio!" he bellowed and he watched, almost smiling as Peter fell to the ground twitching uncontrollably. Narcissa gasped and hugged Draco tightly to her.
"Don't try and contact me," Lucius spat out as he Disapparated.
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Lucius stared out at the lake that surrounded Hogwarts. He wanted so badly to be in the school, to visit the places where he and Lily first met, first kissed, first made love but he knew he couldn't Apparate into the school grounds. And he couldn't just walk up to the gates either, as no one would ever let him in.
So he sat on the outside just watching the school. The school that contained all his memories, his secrets, the place where it all started.
And for the second time in his entire life Lucius Malfoy put his head in his hands and wept. Lily was dead. The beautiful fiery flower that captured his heart and thoughts since the moment he first saw her was gone and he'd never be able to get her back.
It's all my fault, he thought. If only I'd never become a Death Eater. If only I had given up my family - a family I don't even care for. If I'd stood up to them and not received the mark, Voldemort wouldn't have needed to go after Lily in order to kill our baby. And if the rumours are true and the only one still alive is Harry, then I will one day be destined to kill him for he's a reminder that James had Lily and I was the one that killed her. He's a reminder that their 'love' was stronger than ours.
Lucius continued to sit on the bank of the lake between the trees, weeping. He didn't know how long he was there for but when the fireworks started over the lake at Hogwarts he knew the fears of the Death Eaters were confirmed. Voldemort had been defeated. Lucius pulled up the sleeve of his robe to where the Dark Mark had nearly disappeared. It was the only consolation to this terrible night.
Drying his eyes and putting his hard, emotionless mask back on, Lucius made a vow then and there. Never again would he fall in love. Never again would he care for someone so deeply that he'd reach this point again. He would follow in his father's footsteps and he wouldn't care who he stepped on. He would never let himself be hurt again. It was time to wake up from the dream world he was living in. It was time to become a Malfoy again.
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