Title: My Immortal (4/11)

Series: Queen of Dusk

Author's Name: Riley

Author's Email and URL: XxBuffyRoxMySoxX@aol.com http://www.freewebs.com/queenofdusk Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and UPN own Buffy the Vampire Slayer in totality. Joss Whedon and the WB own Angel: the Series. No profit is made from this piece of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. The song was written and performed by Evanescence.

Distribution: To my site, all archives. You are free to take, just let me know

Rating: R

Timeline: Season 2, before Angel goes bad, when they are dating. Spike is not in his wheelchair (Dru is not healed), Xander and Cordy are secretly together and Willow and Oz are together. I know that may be a little wonky, but I want it to work.

Pairing: B/S (B/A at the beginning, but not for long.)

Feedback: Yes! Please let me know what you thought!

Summary: Buffy's hurting, she's lonely, and no one understands. She's lost everything she has to live for, or so she thinks. Spike finds something oddly compelling about the Slayer…now if only he could bring her to his side…

//I'm so tired of being here//

Hot and cold, soft and hard, anger and fear. The kissing ceased while both parties considered what they'd just done. They'd almost had sex. Buffy peeled her fingers out from under Spike's shirt and brought them to her tingling lips. Spike stared at her in silence and slowly removed his hands from her waist. Buffy moved stray hairs from her face and looked up at Spike.

"Good, wasn't it?" Spike was quiet, but cocky as ever. Buffy half smiled. Then she nodded.

"I'm sorry if I was terrible." Her eyes darted to the floor. Spike shook his head.

"You're not terrible, just been kissing the wrong vampire." He smirked a little at this. Buffy shrugged and rubbed her left eye.

"Angel is going to be so mad at me." Buffy almost started crying again.

"Would you bloody stop thinking about Angel for a second?" Spike grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. Buffy was in shock and could only mutter a soft apology.

"Why?" Buffy's eyes shot up to Spike's, and then dropped to his lips.

"Why did I kiss you?" Buffy nodded and wiped an oncoming tear away.

"Because I wanted to." He looked down at her from his height. "And your darkness…it was screaming to be let out." Buffy shuddered and recoiled from a brush of his finger against her cheek.

"Don't." She pulled her knees to chest and rested her face on them.

"Why shouldn't I?" Spike knew plenty of reasons why not; he'd been counting them since he'd first kissed her. But, her darkness sang to him, taunting him.

"It's wrong. They'll all hate me." She looked so innocent, so unlike a slayer. For the first time, she looked like a sixteen-year-old girl. Spike slid his hands under her arms and pulled her to stand.

"There are so many things I want to show you." He smirked a little and trailed his hand over her right arm.

"You-you love Dru." Buffy's eyes darted to the ground. He tipped her chin upwards.

"You love Angel."

"Yes…" Buffy chewed on her bottom lip.

"But Dru isn't what I need."

"You're a killer."

"True. And so are you."

"I am NOT a killer." She said defiantly and broke her arm from his grasp.

"Not to humans, you aren't. But to all the demons you are. We're running the same tract, Buffy." He leered down at her. His face softened and he leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips.

"I-I just need time to think. I'll come by here tomorrow…today…at nightfall." She smiled painfully and left.

***

It was almost dawn and Buffy yawned, stretching her arms over her head. She was scared, almost trembling at what had happened. It took a lot to scare a slayer. She quickened her pace, hoping beyond hope that her mother wouldn't catch her.

//Suppressed by all this childish fear//

Buffy's bed seemed like her safe haven as she curled up under the covers, praying for dreamless sleep.

::Waves crashed along an empty beach, sending sand out in ripples. A small child of about six or seven played in the sand, sculpting sand castles with his tiny hands. Buffy approached, smiling at his innocent nature. The child looked up, eyes wide with horror, and screamed. He ran from her, arms flailing in his attempt to get away. Buffy crouched in the sand and began to cry. Suddenly in the distance, Spike picked the child up and hugged him tightly. The child began to laugh, before starting towards Buffy, arms open wide. Suddenly, the pair burst into hot, consuming flames..::

Buffy shot up out of bed. She pushed hair out of her eyes and looked around the room. She knew this routine far too well. She would stare around the room, trying to sleep, until it was too light outside to sleep comfortably. Not exactly wanted to repeat this, she pushed her comforter down her legs and hurried downstairs.

Buffy poured milk into a mug that read "My Mom's The Best" in her six-year-old scrawl. She popped it into the microwave. Supposedly, warm milk helped you sleep. She thought she'd try it out for once. She grabbed a slice of bread from the bread bag and bit into it. The microwave beeped loudly and she pulled out the warm milk.

Images of Spike played into her mind as she tried to relax. She felt guilty inside, but in a way, the thought of Spike brought comfort to her. Angel flashed into her thoughts at this point and she groaned. What was she going to do? She put her mug in the dishwasher and started upstairs. As she reached her room, she heard a sound of footsteps.

"Angel?" Angel was entering her room through her window.

"Hey." He smiled warily down at her.

"What are you doing here?" She wrung her pinkies in the waistband of her pajama pants.

"I came to check on you."

"Oh."

"Are you-" Buffy cut him off.

"I don't need you to check up on me, Angel. I am almost seventeen." She bit her lip and pointed to the window. Angel pursed his lips.

"Sorry." He swung his head down and headed towards the window.

"Bye." Buffy mumbled as she watched him climb out and away. She was burning with anger. Anger at Angel…why was she angry with him? She was resentful that he treated her like a child. He loved her, but was he good for her? She closed the window and turned off the lights. She didn't feel like thinking anymore.

***

//And if you have to leave//

"Spike?" Buffy knocked on the door of the abandoned house. "Spike? Are you in there?" She swung the door open, morning light invading the dark house.

"Watch it." Spike recoiled from the burst of light. Buffy shut the door behind her and leaned on it. "You're here early." He looked her up and down and smiled.

"Yeah." Buffy shrugged and shuffled her feet.

"Why?"

"I didn't have anywhere else to go." She looked up, tears sparkling in her green eyes.

"School?" Spike glanced at the ceiling.

"Didn't want to go." She shrugged and sat down on the couch next to Spike.

"Wasn't much for education in my day either, pet." Buffy's hand crawled over the couch and into his. Spike squeezed it, bringing it to his chest.

"This is so messed up." Buffy curled into the couch, bowing her head to rest on Spike's shoulder. "I don't trust you." Her head shot up and her eyes met his.

"Don't." Spike grimaced and forced his stare forwards.



//I wish that you would just leave//

Buffy tossed her leg over Spikes, drawing herself over his waist. She hugged her arms around his neck. Spike grabbed her shoulder and pulled her upper body towards him. Buffy sighed into his mouth, kissing him hungrily.

"So much to show you." Moaned Spike, hoisting her higher. Buffy arched into him, and kissing her way up his chiseled cheekbone. Spike reached her hands up and around the back of her neck and into her tangles of hair. Buffy titled her head and slid her hands up his bare arms and to the collar of his black tee shirt. Spike slid his cool hands down the back of her neck, causing Buffy to shudder and moan into his mouth. He reached the edge of her tank top and slid it up her flat torso, sliding it over her chest and head. Buffy shook it from her arms and dropped it behind herself. Her hands were already fumbling with the turn-up of his tees shirt, pushing it up his abdomen as she struggled to get closer to him. Spike let out an unnecessary gasp as he felt her fingers trailing down his abs. She pressed her lips to his neck and pulled back, cheeks blood red.

"I-I don't know how to do this." She shot her eyes downward and tucked a strand of mussed hair behind her ear. Spike kissed her on the lips possessively.

"You're doing fine." He smirked and moved his hands to the button of her jeans. He popped the button out and slid down the zipper. Buffy struggled out of her jeans, at the same time trying to assist Spike in getting out of his own pants. Buffy stood up and backed away, playing nervously with the straps of her underwear.

"Scared." Was all she could mutter. Everything in her world was begging her not to do it, but for some reason she didn't WANT to listen.

//Because your presence still lingers here//

Spike stood to take in the full view of Buffy, and gently gripped her hips. For his first time, he was truly going to taste the essence of a Slayer. He grabbed the straps from her shaky fingers and pushed them down her hips. Buffy smiled thankfully and silently apologized for her lack of experience. She stood for a second, pondering on the thought that was coursing in every vessel of her body. Was this the same Spike who had tried to kill her only months ago? "Why? You want me dead…" She cocked her hip. Spike strained for a second, obviously very anxious and not happy that he was being made to wait.

"I wanted you dead only because I didn't fathom the darkness you had inside, girl. I'm not going to become some noble vampire if that's what you are expecting. I'm same old Spike, shagging the Slayer." Buffy swallowed.

"I can handle that." She watched as the corners of his mouth quirked up a little, right before he grabbed her face fiercely and kissed her hungrily.

//And it won't leave me alone…//

Buffy arched backwards with the pressure of Spike's kiss. He ran his fingers up her sides and over her stomach, moving his lips to gently suckle her jugular. She heard a growl as Spike vamped out, moving his mouth from her neck. He moved to a less dangerous place, her stomach. Buffy held his head down to her stomach, shivering at the feelings coursing through her. She'd wanted Angel, but she'd never felt anything so intense or deep. It was as if someone was drilling right through her chest. Buffy pulled him up and back to her mouth. Spike maneuvered her body through the hallway and into the bedroom, which was empty, save for the linen-free bed. Spike grabbed her by the mid-back and she went limp in his grip. He carried her over to the bed and set her on it, propping one knee on the bed.

"I don't hate you." Buffy looked up at him, her eyes watering gently.

Spike smiled softly. "I don't hate you either, pet. Let's dance." He pushed into her, never breaking his locked gaze with Buffy. Her eyes filled with tears and a single one slid down her cheek.

//These wounds won't seem to heal//

"You alright, love?" Spike pulled out of her and arched an eyebrow. Buffy nodded and grabbed his shoulders, forcing him back down. Suddenly realization sunk into Spike and he almost let out a whoop of joy. The Slayer had given him her most precious gift, her virginity. Buffy arched her hips until her hipbones were knocking lazily against his. Buffy gasped slightly, whispering his name as he trailed his cool tongue over his collarbone and over the rise of her breasts. Buffy bit down into his shoulder. *Biting me…* Was all Spike could muster to think as he ground his shoulder into her mouth.

//This pain is just too real//

And then it all stopped. Both of them collapsed on one another, adrenaline rushing from their peaks and kissing hungrily. Spike pulled out of her and rolled over next to her, arm still stretched out over her hips. Buffy breathed heavily, wiping sweat from her forehead. Spike looked over at her as she began to shake.

"What's wrong, baby?" Buffy could barely register that he'd called her such an endearing term. Tears were collecting in her eyes as she clenched the bed. Spike shook her by the shoulder. She rolled over and buried her head near his armpit, curling up next to him. Spike pulled both his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. She was fully bawling now, hot tears streaming over his white skin.

"I'm sick! I'm perverse! What's wrong with me?" She curled tighter and convulsed heavily.



//There's just too much that time cannot erase//

Spike rubbed her back and soothed her until she went silent. "You aren't." Was all he could think to say as she relaxed in his arms. Buffy pushed his arms away and sat up.

"Oh my God." She stood up and moved her hands to cover her nakedness. "I-I can't do this."

"You already did it." Spike pointed up, sitting up.

"I…" she hesitated on her words before running into the front room to grab her clothes. She pulled them on just as Spike came in after her.

"You can't leave." Spike looked her up and down angrily. Buffy shook her head and ran a hand through her tousled hair.

"I can." She opened the door and ran out, knowing full well that Spike couldn't follow into the light. Spike cursed and slammed his hand into the wall.

Buffy didn't stop running until she reached the house. For the first time, she was happy that her mother wasn't a stay at home mom. She unlocked the front door and ran inside.

//When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears//

Buffy slammed the door behind her and leaned back on the door. She'd given herself to a vampire without a soul. She banged the back of her head against the wood door and moaned loudly. Spike didn't love her and she didn't love Spike. But she didn't hate Spike, not the way she had months ago. Had she even hated him then? She sunk to the floor, tears sliding down her cheeks.

//When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears//

Buffy swore she could feel her insides tearing apart in her confusion as she sobbed. She looked up towards the clock. It was two o'clock. Her friends would be out of school in thirty minutes. Maybe she could talk to them. No, she couldn't tell them. Buffy stood and straightened her jeans. How was she going to explain to her mother and Giles about not being at school. She coughed. Right, sick. She felt sick on the way to school and had turned back. That would be an ok lie.

Up in her room, Buffy changed into her sushi pajamas and slicked back her hair with water. She checked in the mirror. Perfect, she looked sick as a dog. She climbed under the covers of her bed, sure that someone would be checking on her.

//And I've held your hand through all of these years//

Sure enough, she heard a knock on the front door as soon as two forty-five came around. She got up and rubbed her eyes. She opened the door and coughed just a little for effect. Willow and Xander were there, peeking in the door.

"Buffy? Are you ok?" Willow entered the room cautiously.

"I'm ok." She cleared her throat and tried to make her voice scratchier. "I've just come down with something."

"Must be a serious something if it's catching up with the Slayer." Xander noted, grabbing her arm as she stumbled a little bit. "We'll help you upstairs."

"You guys are so sweet." Buffy smiled guiltily as Xander handed her a bag of cheetos and Willow propped her pillows.

"I'll tell Giles to cover patrolling tonight." Willow smiled softly. "Do you want me to stay?" Buffy shook her head.

"No, it's fine, Will. But would you let Giles know that I'll be fine to patrol tomorrow night?" Willow nodded and grabbed the glass of Coke from Xander.

"Coke, sugar calms the tummy."

"You're too smart." Buffy smiled as she sipped on the glass.

"Does Angel know you aren't patrolling tonight?" Xander asked.

"Oh God, I forgot about that. Will you let him know?" Xander and Willow nodded and left the room. Buffy stuffed a cheeto in her mouth and chew thoughtfully. She felt so guilty for lying to her friends, but they couldn't know. They would never know, because it wasn't ever happening again.

//But you still have all of me//

Buffy couldn't sleep. *Does anyone know what its like?* She wondered as she got up to get some water. It was then she realized what had been annoying her. Someone was pounding on the door.

"Angel?" She opened the door in surprise.

"Buffy? Are you ok? Willow told me you were sick." Buffy nodded and beckoned him in.

"I'm fine. I'm just kind of out of it. Come upstairs." She led him up into her room and crawled back under the covers. Angel pulled over a chair and sat down next to her.

"Where's your mother?"

"She's working late at the gallery." Buffy peeked up from the comforter. "You don't have to stay if you'd rather…"

"No." Angel cut her off. "I want to be with you." Buffy blushed and smiled. He loved her so much and she truly cared for him. She just wasn't sure what she wanted anymore.

//You used to captivate me//

Angel planted a small kiss on her forehead.

"Don't. You'll get sick."

"Vampire."

"Oh yeah." Buffy hadn't forgotten…how could she? She snuggled into the covers and tried to hide the tears filling her eyes. Buffy sat up and pushed her covers down her legs. Angel moved over to sit on the bed.

"I love you, Buffy." He smiled down at her tiny frame.

"I love you." She let him kiss her softly on the lips. A chaste kiss became a more passionate one, Angel's hands traveling up under her pajama top. She pushed him away. *So you can give it up for Spike, but not Angel?* The voice in her head taunted.

//By your resonating light//

Spike watched in seething anger from the ground. How could she sleep with him and then go back to Angel like it was no big deal? He watched as she pushed him away. *That's my girl. Whoa. When did she become my girl?* Spike shrugged off his own thoughts and kept watching. She hesitated, doing that cute biting her lip thing as she contemplated her next moves.

//But now I'm bound by what you left behind//

*Trying to prove herself, eh?* Mused Spike as she pulled Angel's head back towards hers and kissed him deeply. *Must have lockjaw.* He joked as he noticed that she definitely did not kiss him like she'd kissed only hours ago.

//Your face haunts my once pleasant dreams//

Buffy winced as the image of Spike nipping at her collarbone floated into her mind. It was amazing that that simple picture could excite her, while Angel's kisses did nothing but feel like kisses.

//Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me//

Buffy ended the kiss and hugged Angel. "My mother will be home in about a half an hour. I'll see you later." Angel nodded and obediently left.

"Slayer…" Spike called as he scaled the house, hoping Angel was too dim to see him. Buffy leaned out the window. "What are you doing here?"

"You have multiple personalities?" Questioned Spike as he hopped into the room. "One minute you're moaning my name, the next you're kissing that poof."

//These wounds won't seem to heal//

"Spike, just go. She straightened her pajama top and looked up at him defiantly. "I have had too much of the both of you in one day."

//This pain is just too real//

Spike lifted one eyebrow. "You didn't enjoy earlier?" Buffy blushed and moved her gaze from his eyes to his chest.

//There's just too much that time cannot erase//

"I-I did." She looked back up at him. "God, this is just so DAMN complicated!" She flung her hands in the air, knocking her cop from the bedside table. She leaned over to pick it up and felt a cool hand on her back.

//When you cried, I'd wipe away all your tears, when you'd scream I'm fight away all your fears//

"Fine. I'll just go back to Dru then." Spike moved his hand from her back and straightened. Buffy shot up. "No."

//And I've held your hand through all of these years//

"And who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do?" Spike turned to leave. Buffy grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled, "Sleeping, please don't disturb" on it. She tacked it on her door, closed it, and locked it. "You can stay." She hunched her shoulders over and climbed into the bed.

//But you still have all of me//

Spike smiled softly (one of the few times he did) and crawled into the other side of the bed, hand automatically traveling up under the shirt, coming to rest on her stomach.

//I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone//

"You're always so hot." Spike smirked.

"You're always so cold." Buffy clasped her hand over his.

//And though you're still with me//

Buffy sighed and curled up within Spike's arms. Spike held her tighter and he swore that he loved the girl, right then and there. But he knew she'd never love him, and he didn't care.

// I've been alone all along//

TBC