Author's Note: This is, at the moment, a plotless mess filled with lots of insanity and OOC-ness galore. It probably will never improve, but . . . ah well.

I am still trying to convince myself that I am possessed while I write this, as the amount of insanity that Sirius has simply could not have come from my mind.

Or something.

Thank you for all of the reviews. :-) I have the feeling this won't be as good as MtP at all, on account of the whole no-plot-lots-of-madness thing, but I'll try!

Chapter Two: The Erotic Appeal of Sirius Black

"I can't believe we have our own house!" Lily cried happily, throwing her arms around Remus for about the thirtieth time in the past ten minutes. "Oh, thank you so much!"

Remus chuckled as she moved onto Peter, who blushed as she pecked him on the cheek.

"I designed one of the rooms all by myself," Sirius announced proudly. "Let's just wait and see if you can identify which one is a Sirius Black creation!"

Lily and James exchanged nervous glances before forcing smiles at Sirius.

"We . . . can't wait," Lily assured him weakly.

"Yeah, Padfoot," James agreed, grinning. "I'm sure it'll be great."

"Great can't even begin to describe it, Jamesie old buddy!" Sirius proclaimed. "It is . . . aouearhaoiruwpahaierwuoahito!"

. . .

"Aouearhaoiruwpahaierwuoahito?" repeated Lily; after a moment of consideration, she added, "I have no idea how on earth I managed to pronounce that."

"It's my new word!" Sirius announced, beaming. "You like?"

"It sounds like something that an extremely bored fanfiction author would come up with because they were too lazy to dig out a thesaurus so they just slammed their hands against the keyboard a few times," Peter said tentatively.

No one noticed.

(Which, of course, led to hostility, which led to temptation, which led to . . . well, bad things. A moment of silence in which everyone can curse that damnable Wormtail. ___________. Okay. Resuming story, then.)

"Onward!" Sirius cried dramatically, swinging open the door. Lily, James, and Remus all exchanged rather bemused expressions. Peter kicked the ground and looked bitter and hostile.

"If this makes up for it at all - and I doubt it will," Remus was saying in a rather panicked undertone, "I wasn't in my right mind when I agreed to let him do this."

"I'm sure it won't be that bad," Lily consoled as they followed a frighteningly excited Sirius up the stairs.

"Don't be," Remus muttered.

Sirius led them through the hall, positively beaming, and stopped in front of a rather innocent-looking door.

"Oh, no," groaned Remus. "Not the bedroom."

Lily and James looked increasingly fearful.

"VoilĂ !" Sirius cried, swinging open the door with flourish. Alas, he swung it open with such flourish that it slammed against the wall, there was an audible crash, and it came back to hit him right in the face.

A sense of extreme trepidation hung in the air as Sirius cleared his throat in a very businesslike manner and said, "Take two, then. Eh eh ehm - voilĂ !!"

The door swung open, and Lily, James, and Remus all recoiled in horror. Grinning roguishly at them from every inch of the walls was . . . Sirius.

"Like it?" Sirius asked, sounding extremely proud of himself. "I got a photoshoot done - this room contains one thousand and twelve pictures of me! And one of Gilderoy Lockhart and me," he threw in as an afterthought, "Stupid git was walking by and saw the camera and BAM! Zoomed toward it like he'd been Summoned."

"Imagine that," Lily said faintly.

James was silent, staring at the one thousand and twelve pictures of Sirius (and one of Gilderoy) in horror.

"The sheets also have me on them," Sirius continued. "Tricky little charm I remembered from Flitwick's class."

James blinked intelligently.

Lily looked as though she was about to lose consciousness.

Remus, who had gone eerily pale, mumbled something that sounded a lot like 'aouearhaoiruwpahaierwuoahito'.

"Isn't it, though?" Sirius asked proudly, surveying his masterpiece. "Look! There's even a mobile!"

Lily, James, and Remus looked up toward the ceiling to see that there was, true to his word, a mobile with six-inch-tall Siriuses hanging from it, waving madly.

"James, darling," Lily said weakly, "How do you feel about remaining celibate for the rest of our lives? Because quite frankly, there is no way in hell that I'm going to--"

A rather oblivious Sirius cut in, "You're probably wondering why I selected this theme."

"Because you have serious ego problems?" Remus suggested.

Sirius glared. "Of course not! It's because, well, I'm well aware how desirable I am--"

"Hence the serious ego problem," Remus muttered darkly.

"--And I thought that, well, if anything's going to increase the sex drive in your marriage, it's moi!" Sirius continued. He added in a quieter tone, "You know, I'm almost an erotic symbol."

"Sirius," James cut in through gritted teeth, "What is wrong with you?"

Sirius seemed to consider this question with much thought. Finally, he answered, "You know, I think it all springs from my troubled childhood - after all, my mother is an absolute hag, and--"

"Sirius," James said dangerously, "No amount of childhood problems could make up for . . . this."

"Really?" Sirius asked, looking as though this was very much news to him. "Well, then, I suppose I'm just mental."

"To unsurpassable proportions," Remus agreed.

"But I couldn't be any other way!" Sirius proclaimed. "That's downright out of character!"

(Which, the author feels compelled to point out, is sarcastic, as she doubts Sirius has ever been more out of character in the history of fanfiction.)

"Sirius," Lily said gently, "We really, really appreciate this, but . . ."

"But?" Sirius echoed, his face falling.

"But . . ." Lily repeated, looking to James and Remus for help. Both remained rather silent. James still looked as though he would very much like to kill something. Remus, on the contrary, looked as though he'd like to be killed. (Which, if one considers it, could all work out.)

"But you're just too damn good-looking!" Lily finally said firmly. Sirius seemed to brighten considerably thanks to this comment. "I can't imagine a way I'd be able to stay faithful to James when I was constantly staring at you! Hell, even James wouldn't be able to stay faithful."

"Hey!" James cried indignantly.

"So, really, Sirius," Lily continued, "I think we're going to have to redecorate, much as I absolutely love this."

"Ah, I understand completely!" Sirius said, no longer looking at all put out by this. "After all, the last thing I'd want to do in the world is come between the marriage of my best friends! It just wouldn't be right."

"Precisely," Lily agreed, nodding fervently.

"Moony, on the other hand," Sirius continued, arching an eyebrow suggestively, "Is single. Whaddya say? This fabulous bedroom design could be yours."

"Sirius," Remus replied gravely. "There are no words."

"Really, now?" Sirius asked, taking a few steps away from him in alarm. "'Cause you know, I was actually just joking--"

"No words in a bad way," Remus informed him darkly.

"Oh," Sirius replied. "Right. It's okay, then."

Remus, Lily, and James, who had just had a very terrifying encounter and all doubted that things would ever be truly okay again, just forced weak smiles.

"So, no Sirius Bedroom," Sirius said, clapping his hands efficiently. "All right. That's fine with me."

A moment of consideration.

"How do you two feel about olive and magenta?"