Buffy thought she knew what it felt like to feel absolutely horrible.
During her stint as the Slayer, she'd gone through more torture and trauma
that she could remember. But all that... her life until this point was
nothing compared to what she felt now. She had done it. She had done what
she needed to do for herself, for her friends and family, and for the child
she and Riley had somehow created.
She had some money saved up, barely enough, but enough. Every step she took away from the abortion clinic filled her with more pain. She was nauseous, dizzy, and feverish. She had decided going in that it was going to be her secret. No one had to know. Somehow she'd build her savings back up, and if her mom asked about the money, she'd say she blew it on something stupid. That would be what her mom would want to hear anyways. Who needed the truth anymore?
She only had a little further to go until she could sit down and call someone to pick her up. She would tell them part of the truth. She suddenly felt sick and wanted to go back to her dorm room and sleep for a day or two. Just a bug, and not the lost of what would have been her first child, and if she was lucky, her last. A mixture of truth and lie helped everything go down easier.
Of course, the only person she could get a hold of to pick her up was Riley. He believed her half lies and drove her back to her dorm and helped her into bed. He was almost out the door when a half open drawer attracted his attention. She mentally cursed as she saw him pick up the box that contained the pregnancy test wands.
"Buffy?" He asked with a voice filled with wonder. Confusion, surprise and... and... joy were scrambled on his face. "Are you... I mean, I knew we were usually really careful, but are you... pregnant?" There, he finally said it.
She couldn't answer him, but looked down at the blanket on her bed.
He took it as a yes. "Oh, Buffy! I can't believe this!" He gushed. "This is... wonderful!"
Her eyes flew to his face. "Wonderful? You think this is wonderful?" She spit the words at him, but the emotion was lost in his happiness and he took the words at face value.
"Of course, how could you think otherwise? I know we're young, but a baby... Our baby."
He joined her on the bed and did the worst thing he could have done, placed his hand on her stomach. She couldn't swallow the gasp of pain in time.
His smile disappeared and his face fell in a wave of panic. "What's wrong? What's happening? That's not right."
Tears filled her eyes as she turned away from him and curled into a ball. "Of course it's right. I was pregnant, but I'm not anymore." She paused a moment in the heavy silence. "I got an abortion."
She pressed her face into the pillow as his words came rolling out. "How could you not tell me this sooner? How could you have not talked to me about this? How could you make a decision like that alone?"
"I had to, Riley. I had to. I'm the Slayer. Slayerhood and motherhood don't mix well."
"We could have made it work..."
She turned to look in his eyes. "How? How could it have worked? I would want my child to have a better life than the ghost of one I lived. I can't give a child that. It's better this way, it's safer... for everyone."
"But.."
"But what? I'm the Slayer, Riley, that doesn't stop. That's who I am. You can quit the Initiative. Work doesn't follow you home, use your friends and family to get to you. I don't have that luxury. I can't just stop being the Slayer for nine months. If I couldn't fight, I could die. If I fought, I could have hurt the baby."
"We could have protected..."
"The Initiative? Protect me? Don't make me remind you how often I've saved your asses. It's done, Riley. It's done, it's over, it's gone."
He started to say something, but thought better of it and got off the bed. Silently, he walked towards the door. Pausing with his hand on the door handle, he spoke without turning. "Would you have done the same if you had loved me?"
"Riley, I..." He didn't wait to hear what she would say, she guessed he probably didn't need to.
The door shut quietly, she was alone, and she cried.
She had some money saved up, barely enough, but enough. Every step she took away from the abortion clinic filled her with more pain. She was nauseous, dizzy, and feverish. She had decided going in that it was going to be her secret. No one had to know. Somehow she'd build her savings back up, and if her mom asked about the money, she'd say she blew it on something stupid. That would be what her mom would want to hear anyways. Who needed the truth anymore?
She only had a little further to go until she could sit down and call someone to pick her up. She would tell them part of the truth. She suddenly felt sick and wanted to go back to her dorm room and sleep for a day or two. Just a bug, and not the lost of what would have been her first child, and if she was lucky, her last. A mixture of truth and lie helped everything go down easier.
Of course, the only person she could get a hold of to pick her up was Riley. He believed her half lies and drove her back to her dorm and helped her into bed. He was almost out the door when a half open drawer attracted his attention. She mentally cursed as she saw him pick up the box that contained the pregnancy test wands.
"Buffy?" He asked with a voice filled with wonder. Confusion, surprise and... and... joy were scrambled on his face. "Are you... I mean, I knew we were usually really careful, but are you... pregnant?" There, he finally said it.
She couldn't answer him, but looked down at the blanket on her bed.
He took it as a yes. "Oh, Buffy! I can't believe this!" He gushed. "This is... wonderful!"
Her eyes flew to his face. "Wonderful? You think this is wonderful?" She spit the words at him, but the emotion was lost in his happiness and he took the words at face value.
"Of course, how could you think otherwise? I know we're young, but a baby... Our baby."
He joined her on the bed and did the worst thing he could have done, placed his hand on her stomach. She couldn't swallow the gasp of pain in time.
His smile disappeared and his face fell in a wave of panic. "What's wrong? What's happening? That's not right."
Tears filled her eyes as she turned away from him and curled into a ball. "Of course it's right. I was pregnant, but I'm not anymore." She paused a moment in the heavy silence. "I got an abortion."
She pressed her face into the pillow as his words came rolling out. "How could you not tell me this sooner? How could you have not talked to me about this? How could you make a decision like that alone?"
"I had to, Riley. I had to. I'm the Slayer. Slayerhood and motherhood don't mix well."
"We could have made it work..."
She turned to look in his eyes. "How? How could it have worked? I would want my child to have a better life than the ghost of one I lived. I can't give a child that. It's better this way, it's safer... for everyone."
"But.."
"But what? I'm the Slayer, Riley, that doesn't stop. That's who I am. You can quit the Initiative. Work doesn't follow you home, use your friends and family to get to you. I don't have that luxury. I can't just stop being the Slayer for nine months. If I couldn't fight, I could die. If I fought, I could have hurt the baby."
"We could have protected..."
"The Initiative? Protect me? Don't make me remind you how often I've saved your asses. It's done, Riley. It's done, it's over, it's gone."
He started to say something, but thought better of it and got off the bed. Silently, he walked towards the door. Pausing with his hand on the door handle, he spoke without turning. "Would you have done the same if you had loved me?"
"Riley, I..." He didn't wait to hear what she would say, she guessed he probably didn't need to.
The door shut quietly, she was alone, and she cried.
