Disclaimers: I don't own Slam Dunk. I am not making money out of this, so please don't sue. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Notes: ANGST WARNING. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed and to my fellow SenKosh ML members for always being there, especially to Hanabi Reeza.
The Guy in Between (from Two Lovers Arc)
by AJ Maxwell
Chapter Three: The Decision
The cold wind nipped at my exposed skin. I pulled my jacket more snuggly around me, as I made my way to the meeting place.
I was the first one to arrive, seeing that I was the only one in the park. All my other school mates were probably still in school, not yet finished with their exams. I, on the other hand, finished early. Yep, that's me, Koshino Hiroaki, the boy genius... That's what Akira always said, anyway.
Speaking of the baka, I sure hope that he doesn't take too long with his exams. It's cold out here! I've always liked the cold, but not when I could die from pneumonia, or worse, frostbite.
I sat on the white, nondescript bench for three, overlooking the playground. I wish that everything will be okay...I know. I know that whatever the result of this meeting, someone will get hurt, either me or Ikari. I don't want him to get hurt--I'd rather that I be hurt instead of him, but in this case, I really couldn't help wishing for Akira to return my feelings.
*sigh* I know. You can say it aloud, too. I'm a selfish bastard...
"Hiro-kun, why the sad face?"
My stomach jumped to my chest. He's here! "Akira. Finished early?"
"Uhm, not really. Almost everyone's finished with exams." He sat down beside me.
"So, how was it?" I queried, still not sure of how to proceed.
Akira smiled leisurely. "It was okay. Good thing aniki reviewed me for it."
My stomach lurched at the mention of Ikari. "Uh...where was he in school, anyway? Didn't see him this morning."
"He got sick last night. Fever, I think. I'm not entirely sure what else, only that I'm supposed to buy his medicine after school."
"Oh." Poor Ikari. He'd studied so hard for his exams, but he missed taking them. I took that as a signal to open up the subject. He had just hinted that he had something important to do, that I had to hurry in telling him about what's on my mind.
"Akira, about this rendezvous--"
"You know, you really worried me last night," he interjected. "You've never kept anything from me and aniki. Why start now?"
"Yes, but I've never been subjected to this kind of situation, so..." My voice never sounded so weak to my ears before.
"What's the problem, Hiro-kun?"
The concern in his eyes made me hesitate. It should have encouraged me to plow ahead with my purpose here, but for a moment it made me hesitate. What if I actually lose him if I continue with this? What if I never see him look at me this way again? What if--
I nearly gasped loudly when I felt his hands encircling my wrists. "What is it? Tell me."
Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel my breathing, the beating of my heart. I couldn't feel the air around me, its biting chill. All I felt right then were his palms firmly pressed against my pulse, and it was such a wonderful feeling. What if I could have that, and more, if I continue with this? "Remember...remember what happened the last time we saw each other?"
"Hmm...of course! We watched a movie, right? Then I walked you home."
"True..." Is he really set on making this difficult for me?! I'd never thought that Akira could be sadistic! "Remember when we walked back home..."
"What about it?"
My eyes narrowed to vicious slits.
Akira, have you suddenly incurred selective amnesia that you couldn't remember?! You baka!
He grinned nervously, trying to appear charming. It wasn't working, though. "Hiro-kun, are you upset with me?"
"Let me fully remind you of that day, okay, Sendoh Akira?" With that, I not-so-gently cupped his face in my hands, then pressed my lips on his.
I felt him quiver deliciously against me, and I deepened the kiss, penetrating his mouth with my tongue.
He moaned against me, and I drifted closer, my arms around his neck. I felt his heart breathing against mine..
That was when he pushed against me, his broad palms a formidable--yet gentle still--pressure on my torso.
I pulled away. "What?"
"We can't do this," he gasped out, his eyes looking at everywhere but at me.
I felt like he just splashed cold water on my face, cold water with shards of glass in it. "Why?"
He still couldn't look at me directly. When he spoke, his voice was soft, but firm. I knew right then that he had already made up his mind about it. "You're my best friend, Hiro-kun. I admit I'm attracted to you, but..."
Another pail of that kind of cold water. I bit my lip, holding back tears. "But what?"
He looked at me then, his resigned blue eyes searching my brown ones, and he said, "Aniki loves you very much, Hiro-kun, and I doubt that I can offer you the same."
Silence.
"Oh." So he knew. I should have known. I mean, come on, they're closest to each other. I should have known...should've known that this would happen. That even if Akira felt something for me, he wouldn't hurt his brother. I should have known. I knew it, really, but...I calmly stood up, trying my damnedest not to look like I was scrambling off the bench in utter shame, even if that's what I felt like doing.
I never imagined this happening. Well, yes I considered the possibility, but I always hoped that Akira would return my feelings. I was almost sure that he would, considering his behavior when we first kissed. But I failed to consider the fact that Akira would never hurt his aniki. I failed to see, because of my blind hope. And that's all it was, really. Blind hope. "Thank you for seeing me here, Akira," I found my voice. I felt so pleasantly numb.
He looked a lot more relieved now, but there was still a tinge of worry along his eyebrows. "It's nothing really. But Hiro-kun, you're not mad at me, are you? We're still best friends, ne?"
So that was what he worried about...didn't it occur to him that I might be really heartbroken right now, that I might throw myself off a bridge or something? I swallowed, then nodded stiffly. "Yes, Akira. Of course we're still best friends." The words just slipped out of me automatically. Faintly, I felt the stirrings of gurgling lava in my chest.
Akira smiled at my words, obviously oblivious to my inner turmoil. That damned smile!
He stood up and brushed off the dirt from the seat of his pants. "Thanks, Hiro-kun. You're the best!" He grinned.
I nodded, trying to rein in the thing that felt like exploding inside me. "Hai. Now you better go and buy Ikari's medicine. Wouldn't want him to be sick for much longer."
Maybe I sounded curt, or too stiff, but he didn't notice. He gave me a quick hug. "Okay. I'll see you in school?"
I nodded again.
*
I just came home several minutes earlier. After Akira left, I stayed a while longer in the park. I don't know how long I sat there, but when I was trudging back home everything felt numb.
Maybe I just stayed there for a second. Maybe I left a short while after Akira left. Maybe this numbness is just me.
Beside me, the phone rang.
I stare at nothing.
...
...
...
The phone was ringing.
Since when was it ringing?
...
...
I stared at the phone.
It kept on ringing.
I sighed. "Moshi moshi. Koshino residence."
"Hiroaki? It's me."
I blinked. Who? "I'm sorry I don't--"
"It's me! Ikari!"
I blinked. "Ikari?"
"Hai!"
I frowned. "You sound different."
"I know. My throat doesn't feel too good."
"Oh."
...
...
I blinked. "I heard you were sick."
"I am."
"So how are you?"
"I've felt worse. I just need plenty of rest."
"Oh...You should take care of yourself more, Ikari."
"I know. I do, but...that's not really why I called."
"Oh." I blinked. "What is it?"
...
"Akira told me you talked to him earlier."
"What?!"
"Hiroaki, don't be angry, please. I know you asked him not to tell anyone, but--"
"I don't think I wanna talk about this right now, Ikari."
"It's okay, Hiroaki. I'm not angry at you."
Huh?
"Don't feel ashamed. I knew from the start that you liked him, but I just had to try to tell you. Please don't be mad at him for telling me. He really hates keeping things from me."
"I know. Can we not talk about this right now?"
"Hiroaki..."
Akira told him. He broke his promise. How could he?! I thought I could trust him... I understand their being close and all, but I'm his friend. His best friend! How could he--?
Suddenly I felt...different. The numbness was still there, but the fog around my brain had dispersed. I only need to know one thing.
"Ikari?"
"Hai?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"...sure. Go right ahead."
I swallowed. "If I told you something, and I told you not to tell anyone, would you tell Akira?"
"Well it really depends. If he's involved in what you told me, then he'd never know about it. But if he's not involved in it, I wouldn't. Chances are, if he's not involved in it, you'd tell him, too, right? So you wouldn't tell me not to tell anyone--including Akira--"
It's good enough. More than good enough. And he loves me. "Ikari?"
"Yes, Hiroaki?"
"Thank you." Maybe this is what's really meant to be.
"Uh...for what?"
This is most probably for the best. "For being you."
He chuckles. "Uhh..uhm you're welcome, I guess."
"Can I ask you another thing?"
"Sure."
This is it. "Would you like to know my answer right now?"
...
"Ikari?"
...
"Ikari, are you still there?"
"Hai, I'm still here."
"So?"
...
"Would you break my heart again?"
His quietly voiced words shattered the numbness all around me. I wasn't sure exactly when it started, but I just found my tears on my cheeks, on the receiver, on my hands, on my sheets.
"Hiroaki?"
"Gomen nasai..." I whispered, fighting back my sobs. "Gomen nasai..."
"I told you. It's okay."
I lay back on my pillows, the receiver still in my hands. "Gomen nasai...gomen nasai..."
"Ssshh...Hiroaki..."
"Gomen nasai...gomen nasai...gomen nasai..."
"... ..."
"Gomen nasai...gomen nasai..."
"..."
"Gomen nasai, Ikari..."
"I'm sorry, too, Hiroaki."
tbc
Finished July 4, 2003
