Disclaimer: All I own is the plot
A/N Thank you !!! for reading and all that good stuff
Some cussing. Pony's thoughts in here may seem weird, but just trust
me on this.
* Pony's POV*
*Right when he left the house*
They all knew. I could feel all of their pity and I hated it.
All I wanted was to just be left alone and everyone was ruining that for
me. If I asked for help, then that would mean I was weak. That I wasn't
strong enough, and didn't need to be alive. I'm not even sure right now
if I should be alive. I'm going to wait and see. Soda's probably telling
Darry right now. Telling him what a pathetic person I've become. How I
am now a loser. Was I ever really a winner?
I don't think so. Soon someone will come looking for me and then they
will try to strike up a conversation with me. As long as it's anyone but
Steve, I can handle it. I don't want to talk to Steve about my problems,
he hates me.
"Pony is that you?" I heard my brother Darry ask.
"Perfect timing," I thought
" Yes, what?" I asked him
" Soda told me about your arms," he said
"Well, now you know," I said meanly
"Pony what is the matter with you?" Darry asked in frustration
"Go ask a doctor, don't ask me," I told him
"Ponyboy Michael Curtis! I don't know why you're doing this to yourself,
but you better stop acting this way" Darry yelled.
" What way? I think I'm acting fine," I said and started walking off
" You're not being strong, you have to fight this." he said pleadingly
I stopped right where I was and walked right back to Darry. I gave
him the coldest glare I could muster and pulled up one of my sleeves. I
shoved my arm under his nose and saw his immediate reaction. Just like
the other guys, he was pale and looked sick.
" Do you think I don't have to be strong to do this? I hear things
in my head that tell me to cut and I can't disobey. I cut and when the
blood is out I feel clean, and free. I feel like a better person. So don't
fucking tell me I'm not strong Darry! Never tell me that!" I screamed at
him
"Pony......" Darry looked away
" Go away, I know you feel sorry for me and I hate that," I told Darry
" We want to help you," he said
" Fine, then leave me alone,"I told him.
" If that's what you really want," he said
" Yes, that is,"
" Ok, bye then, " he said and started back towards the house.
Who is he to say that I'm weak? I couldn't be weak, weakness was failure.
I had to make good grades and be the reasonable one in the gang. Neither
of those two things would allow weakness. I was strong because I was able
to deal with my problems, while everyone else kept theirs completely hidden.
"Pony, don't yell at me ok,"
I turned around and to my surprise, there was Two Bit
"Darry told us you yelled at him," he said
" Yeah, and?"
" I just want to talk, I promise not to judge you or anything," he
said
" Haven't you already," I asked him
" Damnit Pony! The entire gang cares about you whether you think we
do or not," Two Bit said angrily.
Something wasn't right here. Two Bit didn't get angry like this. Steve
did.
" Hurray," I said sarcastically
" I'm going to miss you kid," he said sadly
"What! Why? Is Darry sending me away?" I asked him frantically
He laughed and then said
" He wouldn't do that. We're going to help you right here,"
Then what?"
" I mean when your personality is completely gone. I think most
of it's gone already," he said.
"Don't be stupid," I said angrily
"Stupid? Kid, if anyone's being stupid right now it's you," he said
and laughed
I must've had a pretty hurt expression on my face even now because
then he said,
" No, I don't mean you're stupid for doing this to yourself, but I
know you don't want to be like this forever," he said and looked around
uncomfortably.
"Be like what?" I asked.
" You know, so cold and dead like," he said
" Am I?"I asked in what I hoped was a bored tone.
" Yeah, Soda doesn't even know who you are anymore,"
I felt a slight pang in my chest when he said that. My own brother
didn't know this really wasn't me? He doesn't know who I am? Sometimes
I want to curse everything around me so I can release some of the
hurt and frustration. I'm in a continuing nightmare, running from the monsters
under my bed. When I finally see the monsters, they all look just like
me. But they are covered in scars and blood and I try to scream, but I
can't. All of the guys are reaching out to help me, but I can't reach them.
Something's holding me back. Day in and day out. I never wake up. I wish
it was just an easy little thing like having someone pinch me, but I know
that's a lie. The truth will not set me free, the truth is my prison.
" He loves you though, Pony," Two Bit told me.
" Who, Sodapop?"
" Yeah, this is really hurting him,"
" So this isn't affecting me at all?"
" I didn't mean it that way."
" What the hell did you mean then!" I yelled
He backed up a few steps and held up his hands.
" Easy there, no I meant that, well it's hard to explain,"
"Try me," I said sarcastically
" Soda sees what you're doing to yourself and it hurts him because
he doesn't know how to help you. All of your life, Soda's been able to
find solutions to all the problems,and this time he can't."
I didn't want to hear anymore. I didn't want to know how much I was
hurting my brothers. I was a heavy burden.
" I think I'm gonna go now," he said quietly
I just nodded, and heard him sigh and walk off. A tear ran down my
cheek, and I wiped at it, disgusted with myself. Crying? Crying was for
the weak. For the people that couldn't face their problems. I am one of
the strong ones. At least, I think I am. There is a hole inside of me,
and deep down in the bottom of the hole there is a realization. It is that
cutting to take away the pain will only bring more pain. I know this, yet
I still do it for it's release. That one beautiful moment when I feel lighter
than air. What's wrong with me? I sat down on the ground and began to sob,
ignoring my inner taunts of the strong verse the weak.
A/N I know it's not so great. I wanted a lot of Ponyboy's thought
to be in here, so that's why there's not a lot of action and dialogue.
Thanks for reading.
Fyre
