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Welcome to the Yu Yu Hakusho game show, "Wheel of Yusuke". Let it be known that "Wheel of Yusuke" does not involve a wheel, as its more well-known companion does. But we have a better host than that unnamed wheel-spinning show, so nyah!

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Disclaimers: Believe me when I say that if I owned Yu Yu Hakusho, I wouldn't be writing this. I'd be out basking in the glory of all things YYH, which I'm not doing. Therefore, I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

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"I'm your adorably cute host Koenma, Prince of the Reikai, and welcome to--- " the audience joined in, "WHEEL OF YUSUKE!"

"Ahem," Koenma continued. "As I was saying, welcome to Wheel of Yusuke, the show that ran out of ideas and had to rip off of some unnamed wheel- spinning show that I'm sure you're familiar with, therefore there is no reason in me wasting my breath telling you the rules."

Koenma turned to the five contestants (yes, five). See, we didn't ENTIRELY rip off some unnamed wheel-spinning show. We're slightly originally here.

"For the sole purpose of including as many characters as possible without getting too monotonous, we have five contestants." Koenma stood up on his little podium and pointed dramatically to the players. "From left to right, we have Yusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei, Kurama, and... Botan?! What are you doing here?!"

"Eh heh heh... " Botan turned into a cat and pawed the air innocently. "I figured I'd take a little vacation from all that dead-people stuff. Didn't think I'd find YOU hosting a game show, sir... "

"Neither did I... " Koenma muttered. From behind the camera, George the Oni pointed frantically to a cue card that read "Start the show".

Hiei "hn"ed and began to wonder why he was here, and why he was seated next to the most idiotic ningen in the ningenkai. Kuwabara, as if on cue, started grinning like a fool and waving to the camera. Hiei rolled his pretty red eyes.

"The categories," Koenma said, pointedly to interrupt Kuwabara's stupidity (yah, like THAT would ever happen), "are listed on the board, as all of you except the fanfic readers can see."

Yes, yes, I am quite aware that the unnamed wheel-spinning show does not have categories, and that you are actually supposed to guess the word and all that crap... but who said we were following THOSE rules??

"Yusuke," Koenma said, turning to the aforementioned, "since you were randomly selected before the show and since the show is named after you for reasons unknown, you will be selecting the first category. Alright, hurry it up, Yusuke... Yusuke?"

Yusuke was busy writing something on the pad in front of him. He looked up as the screen on the front of his podium changed from the "Wheel of Yusuke" logo to, in Yusuke's handwriting, "WASUUUUUUUUUP?!"

"Eh... " Koenma's lip twitched. "You're not supposed to write on those until the final round... "

"'Things That Rhyme with Orange' for 200, Koenma!!" Yusuke said, tapping his buzzer on each syllable.

Irritated, Koenma read: "Answer: A rare spotted bird found in the small European country of The Republic of Squeedily-Spooch."

A buzz sounded from Botan's general area.

"BORANGE!" she shouted happily. "Because 'B' stands for 'Botan'."

Koenma looked down at the card. Then back to Botan. Then he looked at the card again and blinked. "Strangely enough... that's correct. Uh, but you didn't answer in the form of a question so I must deduct twenty-two thousand points."

"What!!" Botan leaned over and looked at her -22,000 point score. "Since when is a 200 yen question worth 22,000 points?!"

"Ya know, I really don't care," Koenma said, throwing the answer card over his shoulder.

"This game is fixed!!" Botan ran over and screamed into the camera. "FIXED!!!" With that, she stormed off the stage. The others watched her go and then resumed the game as if nothing had happened.

"Okay, Yusuke, since no one answered the question correctly, Inari save us all, you get to choose again."

"Uh yeah, Koenma, I'll take 'Weird Fetishes' for 100 yen."

"What a screwed up category... " Koenma said under his breath before reading aloud, "Answer: Kurama's weird fetish."

Yusuke, for reasons unknown, was the first to buzz in, and he answered in a confident voice, "What are short fire demons?"

Kurama coughed and turned his head away and Hiei growled.

"Well, the death glare I'm getting from Hiei pretty much means that your answer is correct." Koenma wondered why Yusuke would know about Kurama's weird fetishes. He pushed aside the thoughts that would later give him nightmares.

Yusuke watched his screen change to "-1000".

"Hey wait, I got that one right... "

"Moving on!!" Koenma looked back to Yusuke. "This game is becoming one- sided since Yusuke has been choosing all the categories, so to spice it up we'll let Hiei choose a category."

"Hn."

"That's not a category, Hiei."

Hiei's death glare informed Koenma that is was.

"Okay then!!" Koenma said, smiling nervously. "Hiei's chosen 'Hn' for... oh, let's say 100."

George the Oni quickly handed Koenma a card marked "Hn" from offstage, which Koenma read aloud.

"Answer: An antisocial onomatopoeia word."

Hiei buzzed in.

"Hn."

"Uhhh," Koenma started, afraid to tell Hiei he was wrong. "Well, you see, Hiei, you're supposed to answer in the form of a question---"

From behind the camera, George the Oni sliced a finger across his neck dramatically and feigned dieing. Koenma took the hint.

"Right you are, Hiei!!" Koenma answered with a fake grin.

Hiei "hn"ed when his screen showed his score---which was suspiciously higher than it should have been.

"Onto our next question---"

Koenma was suddenly interrupted when the recording studio's doors burst open to reveal---not a bird, not a plane, but... you guessed it... the person behind the door... was none other than... the super-obvious... plot- twisting... always-entertaining... PAST-TENSE BOTAN!! [1]

"Botan??" Koenma asked, his jaw dropping open at the sight.

Botan, or rather Past-Tense Botan, was done up in a Western-comics-style female superhero costume, complete with a tight-fitting leotard (which was the same color as her pink kimono) and random shiny things. She had on some way-out-there sort of headpiece that looked far too heavy for her to hold up.

"That was PAST-TENSE BOTAN!" replied Botan, striking a battle pose.

"Was?" blinked Koenma, looking around. "What happened to her?"

"Moron," Hiei said. It was the first word he had said besides "Hn", which actually isn't a word at all but rather an antisocial onomatopoeia... thing.

"What?" Koenma looked very confused. "What did I miss?"

"Her name is PAST-TENSE Botan," Kurama informed his game show host. "Therefore, I'm assuming that she only speaks in---"

"Yeah, we've all got it now, Kurama," Yusuke said, just because he hadn't said anything in awhile.

Kurama looked slightly put out that he hadn't gotten to inform the world of his extreme intelligence, but the feeling cleared quickly since Kurama isn't that selfish, nor does he stray too long on one thing, much like I am doing now by running this sentence on for fifty words. (Go ahead, count'em)

"You were correct!!" Past-Tense Botan proclaimed at the top of her lungs. Behind her, a sound-amplifying microphone fell to the ground from the loudness of it all. "I, for reasons that were unknown, only spoke in past- tense!! Plus, I liked to use exclamation marks, too!!"

Kuwabara had a blank expression on his face. "But why would anyone speak in only past-tense? What good would come of it?"

Past-Tense Botan hit Kuwabara over the head with an exclamation mark much like this one only bigger!

"Ow! Hey, watch it! That thing has sharp corners!!" Kuwabara rubbed his injured head. We can only hope that this traumatic experience has not left our dear friend Kuwabara with fewer brain cells than he had when he came onto Wheel of Yusuke.

Koenma leaned his elbow on his podium and rested his chin in his palm. "Can we please get on with the show?" he asked in an irritated voice.

"Never!" Past-Tense Botan shouted. "I was here to stop this fixed show from ever got finished! Yes, that's right, I said got finished!"

"Someone needs to work on their grammar... " muttered the Reikai prince.

"Hey," said Botan, breaking character but still keeping with the past-tense spirit, "I was doing the best I could under these conditions. It wasn't easy for me to spoke like that."

Very subtly, Kurama's beautiful green eye twitched at all the deplorable grammar Botan had managed to stuff into those few sentences.

"So... " Koenma began, dragging out "so" unnecessarily long, "You're not going to let us get back to the show?"

"Never!" Past-Tense Botan replied, followed by an evil cackle.

"... Whatever." Koenma turned back to the four sane contestants. "It seems I've forgotten whose turn it is, and frankly, my dears, I don't give a damn, so we'll just assume that---OW!!"

Past-Tense Botan had whipped out Super-Exclamation-Mark and clobbered poor Koenma-sama over the head with it, leaving quite a nasty bump. She raised the weapon over her head, preparing for her next blow.

"NOOOOO!" yelled George the Oni, jumping from his place behind the camera and diving between Botan and Koenma, ready to take the blow for his ruler. However, his timing was misjudged and he landed far too early for his outburst to really matter. Past-Tense Botan's Super-Exclamation-Mark came down and bopped Koenma on the head lightly. Botan giggled and ran away.

A set of make-up artists rushed onto the set and fixed up Koenma's make-up, then exited and the show started up again. Koenma looked into the camera.

"As I was saying, I have no clue where we left except now I am remembering that Hiei was very far in the lead. Yes, in fact, he is currently so far in the lead that it will be hard to catch up to him BUT seeing how the points don't matter, it might not be that hard after all. That's right, the points don't matter, just like the show that used to come on after Yu Yu Hakusho."

Several Rurouni Kenshin fans in the audience booed.

"Since the only two contestants who haven't yet selected a category are Kurama and Kuwabara, we'll let Kurama go first. His voice is more soothing." Koenma stood up on the podium and twirled around.

"Uhhhh... " came the response from everyone else in the room.

"Sir?" asked George cautiously, who had long since resumed his position behind---you guessed it---the camera. When Koenma turned to him with big, shining eyes, George gulped and said, "That bump must have affected your head!! Are you alright, sir?"

"Couldn't feel better!" Koenma replied, once again turning to the contestants. "Go on, Ku-baby, chose a category!"

Kuwabara could have sworn that he heard Hiei growl from next to him.

Kurama, strangely enough, seemed unaffected by Koenma's suggestively-yaoi actions. Perhaps it was because he was so used to it from his adoring fanchildren? [2]

"I'll take 'Ow, That Pains' for... er, oh, I dunno, surprise me."

"Sure thing, you sweet hunk of---"

George the Oni coughed pointedly, trying to get Koenma back on track.

"Hm? Oh, right then... " If anything, the game show host sounded disappointed. "Right then," he repeated, glancing at the Wheel of Yusuke card. "Answer: A rare state of semi-consciousness where the inflicted has the sudden urge to jump a member of the same gender."

Everyone present shifted nervously in their seats and looked to Kurama, who once again seemed not to notice. Maybe he was just pretending not to notice. Or maybe he was just a bit dense today... Or maybe I should stop musing on Kurama's sanity and get on with the show...

There came a buzzer sound from the empty podium to Kurama's left, the one previously occupied by Botan, back when she spoke in the proper tense.

Koenma blinked once. "Um... yes, Empty Podium?"

Past-Tense Botan popped up from behind the podium with a loud "ta-da!" and her arms stretched out above her head victoriously as if she had actually accomplished something by scaring the living daylights out of everyone.

Everyone (excepting, of course, Kurama and Hiei, who are always ready for the unexpected) let out a short scream of surprise, and then they all stopped at the exact same time. This might seem odd to you, the reader, but YOU can't see the light-up sign that had changed from "Applause" to "Scream" when Past-Tense Botan appeared.

Past-Tense Botan finally answered the question that was posed several paragraphs ago. "What were... PAST-TENSE BOTAN'S SUPER-EXCLAMATION-MARK YAOI-CRAZED-FANCHILDREN DISEASE?!"

In an equally hyper voice, which looked particularly peculiar coming from the pacifiered (haha, that's not a word) mouth of Koenma, the Reikai ruler returned, "WHY YES PAST-TENSE BOTAN, IT APPEARS THAT YOU ARE CORRECT!!"

"WEEHOO!"

"NOW LET'S AWARD YOU POINTS!!"

"YESSSS... SWEET POINTS ARE AT LAST FINALLY AFTER LONG WAIT MINE!"

"Can we STOP THE SCREAMING?!" came the deep, sensual (did I say that?) voice of Hiei. It was the longest sentence he had ever strung together while on Wheel of Yusuke. Several audience members clapped, but were silenced when the kokuryuha [3] burnt them to crisps.

"Tut, tut, tut," scolded Koenma. "Burning audience members to a crisp... " His big brown eyes lit up. "Naughty Hiei."

Hiei's eyebrows rose, disappearing under the white cloth covering his Jagan.

From behind the camera came the fierce whisper of "Commercial!!!"

Koenma looked seriously into the camera. "We'll continue our lovely parodized (that's not a word either) game of Wheel of Yusuke after we bore you to death with these paid sponsors who are keeping me in a job."

An image of Koenma pouncing on a certain fire demon's podium was quickly cut off as the picture turned to static.

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[1] - Past-Tense Botan was inspired when I misquoted Botan's line of "Bingo, bingo, you win the prize!" to say "Bingo, bingo, you've won the prize!" when, actually, Yusuke had never really won anything from Botan before that moment. I am forever scarred.

[2] - Fanchildren: they're not fangirls, and they're not fanboys... they are a horrible combination of both. And man, are they horrible.

[3] - For those of you who don't know, the kokuryuha is Hiei's Dragon of the Darkness Flame, also know as the Black Dragon, or the Black Dragon Technique. I've seen it spelled many different ways but (to my knowledge) kokuryuha is the shortest, and I'm the laziest, so there you go.

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That's the first chapter! Oh yes, did I forget to put a "yaoi" warning up? Silly me.

If you made it to the end of this story, then you obviously didn't cringe at the sight of it, so please review and make me a happy author.