DISCLAIMER- I don't own Star Trek. I do own this holiday, though. Finally, something that's mine!
REVIEWER NOTES-
Taskemus- Thanks for reviewing. I loved bringing all my character together.
Tavia- Glad you like it. I always thought it would be nice to have the characters from Star Trek celebrate my birthday.
IIShameekaII- Yeah, madness is fun. That was one of my favorite lines too. I love making all the characters in my story respond to the same thing. It's fun to make up their reactions. I also love showing up in my own story.
(A/N- I'm back! My birthday was actually July 2nd, so this is a bit late, but I was on vacation for my birthday. It's close enough.)
CHAPTER 4- It's Party Time
Narrator- Now we are in the Mess Hall, the next day. Kirk, Spock, the ensign, McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, Rand, Uhura and Scotty are all there. McCoy has a ball on a string and a bat.
Kirk- Is that your piñata?
McCoy- Yup.
Kirk- Now, Uhura, you can help me.
Uhura- But I'm a *lady*!
Kirk- Then you'll be the perfect person to replicate some food!
Narrator- Uhura grumbles, then goes over to the replicator.
Uhura- One big cake with the words "Happy Birthday PearlGirl" on it.
Narrator- The cake appears.
Uhura- Let's see. Ice cream, orange soda, cookies, brownies, chips......
Narrator- Uhura orders all the food.
Kirk- Okay. Now we have to surprise her. Everyone get behind tables and stuff.
Spock- This is illogical, Captain.
Kirk- That's an order, Mister Spock!
Spock- Yes, Captain.
Narrator- Everyone but McCoy hides behind tables and stuff.
Kirk- You! The Narrator! You have to hide too! (grabs Narrator and shoves him behind the table)
Sulu- We're all ready.
Spock- Ready for what?
McCoy- When PearlGirl comes in, you jump out and say surprise.
Spock- That is entirely illogical.
McCoy- So we've heard.
Rand- Anybody want some coffee?
All but Spock- Shhhhhh!!
Kirk- Okay, Bones! Go find PearlGirl!
PearlGirl- (comes into room) That won't be necessary.
Kirk- What are you doing here? I mean, SURPRISE! (jumps out)
(Pause)
All but Spock and Kirk- SURPRISE! (jump out)
Spock- Happy.... birthday.
PearlGirl- Why thank you, Spock.
Kirk- How'd you know?
PearlGirl- *Hello*! I'm the Author! Hee hee. I wrote it! Of course I know what you're doing.
Kirk- (groans) Oh well. At least we got you a party.
Chekov- I'm hungry! Refreshments first!
PearlGirl- No! I want to do the piñata first!
Kirk- Okay. Whatever the birthday girl wants.
PearlGirl- Cool!
Narrator- Everyone waits while McCoy tries to tie up the piñata.
McCoy- It's not going to work. This ceiling is too smooth. I need duct tape!
PearlGirl- Here, borrow mine. I always have it handy.
McCoy- Thanks.
Narrator- They get the piñata up.
Kirk- Form a line!
Snodgrass- Can I go first?
Kirk- We're doing it in order of rank.
Sulu- Ha!
Narrator- First it's PearlGirl, then Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Rand, Snodgrass.
Chekov- Do you vant to play?
Narrator- Nah. I'd better not.
PearlGirl- Why?
Narrator- It's not in the plot.
PearlGirl- There isn't really a plot.
Sulu- Cool! No plot!
PearlGirl- The only plot is my birthday party.
Kirk- Go ahead, PearlGirl.
Narrator- PearlGirl lets Kirk blindfold her. Then she steps up to the piñata. She takes a swing and hits the piñata dead on. It makes a small dent.
Kirk- Wow!
Chekov- Good swing.
PearlGirl- I could have broken it, since I control the plot. But I decided not to.
Kirk- Me next!
Narrator- Kirk puts on the blindfold. Then he swings at the piñata. And misses.
Kirk-Arrrgh! Take that you stupid piñata! I'll get you! You're no match for Captain James T. Kirk!
Spock- Why are you attempting to communicate with an inanimate object?
McCoy- I think he's pretending it's a Klingon.
Spock- Why would the captain do that?
McCoy- (shrugs) He's the captain.
Spock- That is not a sufficient answer.
McCoy- Maybe it don't KNOW a sufficient answer!
Spock- I see.
Kirk- Come and get me! All I've got is this stick!
Narrator- Kirk takes a third and final swing. And misses.
PearlGirl- Sorry, Kirk. Only three swings apiece. Unless you hit it of course.
Kirk- Stupid piñata!!
Narrator- Kirk throws down the blindfold and goes back to the end of the line with PearlGirl.
Spock- I wish to pass up my turn. I have no desire to try and hit a paper ball with a bat in order to get candy.
PearlGirl- But it's FUN!
Spock- I do not wish to participate.
Kirk- That's an order, Mister Spock!
Spock- Yes, Captain.
Narrator- Spock puts on the blindfold and stands up in front of the piñata for a few seconds, not moving.
McCoy- Well, Spock? Aren't you going to hit it?
Spock- Silence, Doctor. I am attempting to determine the piñata' s current location by listening. Because it has not come to a stop in the air, I can hear it swinging slightly.
McCoy- (rolls eyes) You go ahead, Spock.
Narrator- After a few minutes, Spock carefully swings the bat. It connects with the piñata, but doesn't do any damage. It just makes it go swinging through the air.
Spock- Hmmm. Apparently I did not use the required amount of force to break the piñata. I will have to redo my calculations.......
Narrator- Spock goes to the back of the line, muttering complex equations.
McCoy- Okaaaay then. My turn!
Narrator- McCoy puts on the blindfold and steps up to the piñata, which is still spinning from Spock's hit.
McCoy- I'm going to try it Spock's way. I'll show him how I can do it better!
Sulu- You? Ha!
McCoy- Be quiet! Must I remind you that I am a physical-giving doctor and you are a lowly helmsman?
Sulu- Thanks for rubbing it in.
Narrator- McCoy stands still for about two minutes.
McCoy- I give up! I can't hear the stupid thing!
Kirk- Well, Vulcans have better ears.
McCoy- My ears are just fine!
Narrator- McCoy takes the bat and swings. He misses the piñata by about a mile.
McCoy- Thanks a lot!
Spock- Actually it was closer to 5.423 inches.
McCoy- Big difference!
Spock- Correct, doctor. There is a big difference.
McCoy- I was being sarcastic! Do you know what it means??
Spock- Sarcasm is defined as a tone of voice, used to-
McCoy- I know what it means, you green-blooded Vulcan!
Narrator- He takes another swing and misses.
McCoy- I think it would have been a lot easier if I had gotten a piñata shaped like Spock's head!
Spock- I do not see how that would improve your accuracy.
McCoy- Because I'd try harder so I could hurt you!
Spock- Why would you wish to harm me? It is illogical.
Narrator- McCoy lashes out with the bat and strikes Spock on the shoulder.
McCoy- Logical or not, I just did it!
Narrator- Fortunately for Spock, McCoy was blindfolded and not all that strong. So he really didn't get hurt all that much.
Spock- Captain, why are you entrusting Doctor McCoy with such blunt objects?
McCoy- Arrrrgh! Can I tie Spock on a string and pretend he's the piñata? Please? Jim, you're my friend!
PearlGirl- Now, Bones. Don't get violent.
Scotty- Can it be my turn?
PearlGirl- Bones, behave yourself or you'll have to sit in the Time Out chair.
(Everyone gasps)
McCoy- Okay, okay. At least Spock didn't bust it open. Then I'd go crazy.
Spock- I fail to see-
Kirk- Spock, you'd better stop.
Spock- Stop?
Kirk- Yes. Stop.
Spock- Yes, Captain.
Narrator- Scotty gets the blindfold and steps up to the piñata.
Scotty- (tries to lift bat) Wow. This is heavy. Last time I had to lift something like this was quite a while ago.
Narrator- Scotty swings three times. His last try hits the piñata but doesn't dent it.
Rand- Would anyone like coffee?
Kirk- We're right in the middle of a game of piñata.
Rand- So?
Uhura- My turn!
Narrator- Uhura goes up to the piñata.
Chekov- Hey! You need a blindfold!
Uhura- But I'm a *lady*! I shouldn't need a blindfold!
Kirk- Too bad. We have to be fair.
Uhura- Hmmpf.
Narrator- Uhura picks up the bat. She makes three pitiful swings that don't hit the piñata.
Uhura- Pitiful? Who are you calling PITIFUL??
Narrator- (hastily) Nobody. She goes to the back and Sulu takes the bat and blindfold.
Sulu- Cool. This should be easy, since I'm so good a martial arts.
McCoy- Yeah, yeah, whatever. Stop pumping up your ego and get on with it. I want another turn!
Kirk- I don't know if you get another turn. After what you did to Spock.
Spock- I am not harmed, Captain.
Narrator- Sulu takes advantage of this distraction and takes off his blindfold. Then he swings and hits the piñata.
Sulu- I did it!
Narrator- But it didn't break. It's still hanging, but it now has two dents.
Kirk- What? How'd you do that?
Chekov- He vas cheating! I saw him! He took off his blindfold!
Sulu- (Sticks out tongue) Tattler!
Kirk- Bad Sulu! You have to sit out the rest of the game! No cheating!
Sulu- (pouts)
Narrator- Sulu goes off in a corner to pout.
Chekov- I'm next!
Narrator- Chekov steps up to the piñata.
Chekov- In Russia we have something sort of like this. It's a wery fun game vhere the goal is to try and stay in the game as long as possible, and get eweryone else out. I alvays vin. I am wery good at that sort of thing. One time-
Kirk- I don't want a Russian lecture, Mister Chekov!! Just get on with it!
Chekov- Yes, Keptin.
Narrator- Chekov picks up the bat.
Chekov- They make bats like this in Russia, but they usually have a better grip. They also are smoother-
Kirk- Mister Chekov!
Chekov- Sorry, Keptin.
Narrator- Chekov swings three times and misses all of them.
McCoy- I take it the piñatas in Russia are easier to hit, eh?
Chekov- (Icily) They don't have piñatas in Russia!
McCoy- And that makes them bad?
Chekov- So America is better, is it?
McCoy- Well, at least there it isn't so cold that ice freezes!
Chekov- How can ice freeze, Mister Know-it-all? It's already frozen!
Uhura- I thought Spock was Mister Know-it-all.
Kirk- Bones, I thought arguing with Spock was your thing. It seems you like arguing with Mister Chekov too.
McCoy- He's just a sore loser 'cause he didn't hit it.
Chekov- Neither did you!
Rand- Anyone up for some coffee?
Narrator- Everyone but Spock and Kirk stare at her angrily.
Kirk- I think it's your turn, Yeoman.
Rand- Okay. But I think that I should get to take off the blindfold. Otherwise I might chip my fingernails.
Uhura- (gasps mockingly) Oh no!
Rand- And I'm a *lady*!
Kirk- Okay. After all, we want you to have perfect nails, don't we?
Uhura- What?! You let *her* get off without the blindfold because she's a lady, but not me?!
Kirk- Well, she acts more like a lady.
Uhura- Yeah, I suppose you're right. HITTING the CAPTAIN over the HEAD with a BAT isn't LADY-LIKE now, IS IT??
Kirk- Heh. Heh. Are you hinting at something?
Uhura- (innocently) Why would I hint?
Rand- That's okay. I don't want to hit the piñata. My coffee's getting cold. I'll go warm it up.
Narrator- Rand rushes away with her coffee tray.
Kirk- It's Ensign Whatever's turn.
Snodgrass- My name is Ensign Snodgrass!
Kirk- (snaps fingers) That was it! I keep forgetting! Snodgrass!
Narrator- Snodgrass reaches for the bat and blindfold from Chekov.
PearlGirl- Wait. You're giving that red-shirt a BAT??
Kirk- Good point. Maybe this game is too dangerous.
Scotty- I think the poor wee mite can do it.
PearlGirl- Come on! That ensign manages to hurt himself in every episode!
Scotty- It's just a sport. How much damage can he do?
McCoy- (whistles) Let's just see, why don't we?
PearlGirl- Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Narrator- Chekov ties the blindfold around the ensign's eyes and gives him the bat.
Snodgrass- So I just swing at the piñata?
Kirk- Yup.
Snodgrass- But where *is* the piñata?
McCoy- That's the whole POINT of the game! You try and guess where it is!
Snodgrass- Oh.
Narrator- The red-shirt swings the bat in the direction that he *thinks* is near the piñata. It turns out to be closer to Uhura's head.
Uhura- Arrrgh! Get that bat-wielding ensign out of my face!
Snodgrass- Sorry.
PearlGirl- Strike one!
Spock- I believe, Author, that the term you are using refers to baseball.
PearlGirl- It can refer to anything I want it to!
Narrator- Then ensign swings the bat again and it's too high. It ends up getting wound up in the string.
Snodgrass- Darn it!
PearlGirl- Strike two!
Narrator- He gets it untangled and swings again. He hits it.
Snodgrass- I did?
McCoy- He did?
All but Spock- He DID??
Narrator- Yup. But it wasn't very hard. The piñata swings a little bit, then it begins to spin. It spins right towards the ensign's head.
All but Spock- Watch out for the piñata!
(Crash)
Narrator- The piñata hits the ensign on the head and knocks him out cold. But the piñata bursts open.
Scotty- That lad's got a hard skull.
PearlGirl- Wait, where's all the candy?
Kirk- Yeah. Piñatas are supposed to have candy
Chekov- Who got the piñata anyway?
Kirk- Bones did.
McCoy- Chekov did. I swear it!
Chekov- Russians aren't stupid! Uhura got the piñata!
Uhura- No! PearlGirl did!
PearlGirl- I did not! I think it was Scotty!
Scotty- T'wasn't me. You're the Author, ye should know it was Sulu.
Sulu- (comes back from pouting in the corner) No! It was the Narrator!
Narrator- I think it was the captain!
Kirk- Was not!
Spock- It was Doctor McCoy.
Narrator- Everyone stares at McCoy, except the unconscious ensign and Yeoman Rand who is making more coffee.
PearlGirl- You were supposed to fill it with candy.
McCoy- I'm a doctor, not a candy factory! I couldn't find any!
Kirk- Isn't that what replicators are for?
Narrator- McCoy stares at Kirk with an expression that says "Why didn't *I* think of that?" Then he hits himself on the head.
McCoy- Boy, am I stupid!
PearlGirl- You can say that again!
McCoy- Hey!
Chekov- Can we go have the cake and brownies now?
Narrator- At the mention of cake, everyone forgets about arguing and runs over to the cake. Actually, everyone BUT Spock does this. He just camly follows after them. They forget all about the unconscious ensign that they left on the floor.
Sulu- What ensign?
Narrator- McCoy starts sticking candles in the cake.
Uhura- No, no! You're doing it all wrong! Give it to me!
Narrator- Uhura snatches the candles and starts delicately placing them in the cake.
Uhura- You have to make it pretty!
McCoy- Sheesh. I'm a doctor, not a cake decorator.
Kirk- You know, Bones. I think you over-use that line.
McCoy- WHAT?? That's my special line! You can't take it away!
Kirk- But you use it every sentence!
Spock- Incorrect, Captain. He uses it, on average, 4.67 times per show.
Kirk- That's TOO much!
McCoy- But it's my SPECIAL line!
Chekov- You still have your "He's dead Jim" line.
Kirk- We can't cut that out!
PearlGirl- Who's going to light the candles now??
Narrator- Everyone ignores her. They're still arguing about lines. Even Scotty's talking about his miracles.
Scotty- I think I should get more miracles in each show!
PearlGirl- Isn't somebody going to stop me?? I might burn something down!
Narrator- Then the ensign wakes up.
Snodgrass- Hmmm? Why am I covered in band-aids? Did I get hurt?
PearlGirl- (to Snodgrass) Do you want to light the candles? That should get their attention.
Snodgrass- What do you mean?
PearlGirl- Here. (gives match to Snodgrass)
Narrator- Snodgrass walks over and takes the match.
PearlGirl- The ENSIGN who NOBODY remembers his NAME is going to LIGHT the CANDLES now!
Narrator- Everyone freezes. Then they rush over.
All but Spock- NO! STOP!
Narrator- Kirk grabs the match from the ensign.
Kirk- Oh, no you don't! I don't want to be blown to kingdom come!
Spock- Kingdom come?
Kirk- It's an *expression*, Spock.
Narrator- Who's going to light the candles?
Uhura- I will. Since *I'm* a lady!
Kirk- Okay. Just don't light it on fire!
Uhura- I can do this.
Narrator- Uhura carefully lights all the candles.
PearlGirl- Yeah! It's my birthday!
Scotty- Now we have to sing to ye.
Spock- Sing?
McCoy- Yeah. The birthday song.
McCoy & Kirk & Snodgrass & Yeoman Rand- (singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear PearlGirl, happy birthday to you.
Scotty- (Something in Scottish)
Sulu- (Something in Japanese)
Uhura- (Something in Swahili)
Chekov- (Something in Russian)
McCoy- What was that you guys were singing?
Chekov- I vas singing it in Russian.
McCoy- Figures.
Kirk- Blow out the candles.
Narrator- PearlGirl blows them out in one breath.
McCoy- Did you make a wish?
PearlGirl- Yup.
Sulu- What was it?
PearlGirl- Wouldn't *you* like to know.
Chekov- Now ve can eat!
Narrator- Everyone eats the cake and all the food Uhura replicated. We won't talk about that because it's uninteresting.
Kirk- What do you mean? Anything with me in it is interesting!
Sulu- Yeah, right!
Narrator- All we'll say is that nobody drank Rand's coffee. Except herself, that is.
Sulu- Come on, ensign. Have some coffee!
Snodgrass- I couldn't drink any! I'm a red-shirt!
McCoy- Don't try to kill off the ensign, Sulu.
Narrator- Now it's the end of the party.
PearlGirl- That was great, guys. I-
Uhura- Cough, cough!
PearlGirl- (rolls eyes) That was great, GUYS and GIRLS. I had lots of fun! It was the best birthday party ever! But I really must go. I have tons of new ideas that I want to work on.
Kirk- (innocently) Are you going to be nicer to us now that we threw you a party?
PearlGirl- Dream on! I haven't even gotten started yet!
Spock- The captain is not dreaming.
McCoy- It's an *expression*, Spock!
PearlGirl- Well, I'd better go.
Narrator- PearlGirl leaves.
McCoy- Well, that worked out okay.
Kirk- Except for you forgetting to put anything in the piñata!
Sulu- And Rand's coffee!
Chekov- And the ensign almost blowing up the ship!
Snodgrass- I didn't even light the match!
Sulu- Thank goodness you didn't.
(Pause)
McCoy- I really like holidays. (smiles) In fact, I'm going to make a holiday in honor of me.
Kirk- What? How about in honor of your favorite starship captain?
McCoy- But he died awhile ago.
Kirk- No! I mean ME!
McCoy- Oh. Anyway, It's going to be great!
Chekov- Vhy don't ve celebrate a Russian holiday?
Sulu- How about not!
Uhura- We could make National Womens' day!
Snodgrass- Should we have a Red-shirt day?
Kirk- You mean where we kill off red-shirts? Not a bad idea.
McCoy- No! I'm the only one making a holiday.
Scotty- How can ye make up a holiday?
McCoy- I think I'm going to have a little chat with the Author. See you next chapter!
(A/N- R/R! I'll have the next chapter up something. Another holiday, in honor of McCoy. It's going to be..... interesting.)
REVIEWER NOTES-
Taskemus- Thanks for reviewing. I loved bringing all my character together.
Tavia- Glad you like it. I always thought it would be nice to have the characters from Star Trek celebrate my birthday.
IIShameekaII- Yeah, madness is fun. That was one of my favorite lines too. I love making all the characters in my story respond to the same thing. It's fun to make up their reactions. I also love showing up in my own story.
(A/N- I'm back! My birthday was actually July 2nd, so this is a bit late, but I was on vacation for my birthday. It's close enough.)
CHAPTER 4- It's Party Time
Narrator- Now we are in the Mess Hall, the next day. Kirk, Spock, the ensign, McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, Rand, Uhura and Scotty are all there. McCoy has a ball on a string and a bat.
Kirk- Is that your piñata?
McCoy- Yup.
Kirk- Now, Uhura, you can help me.
Uhura- But I'm a *lady*!
Kirk- Then you'll be the perfect person to replicate some food!
Narrator- Uhura grumbles, then goes over to the replicator.
Uhura- One big cake with the words "Happy Birthday PearlGirl" on it.
Narrator- The cake appears.
Uhura- Let's see. Ice cream, orange soda, cookies, brownies, chips......
Narrator- Uhura orders all the food.
Kirk- Okay. Now we have to surprise her. Everyone get behind tables and stuff.
Spock- This is illogical, Captain.
Kirk- That's an order, Mister Spock!
Spock- Yes, Captain.
Narrator- Everyone but McCoy hides behind tables and stuff.
Kirk- You! The Narrator! You have to hide too! (grabs Narrator and shoves him behind the table)
Sulu- We're all ready.
Spock- Ready for what?
McCoy- When PearlGirl comes in, you jump out and say surprise.
Spock- That is entirely illogical.
McCoy- So we've heard.
Rand- Anybody want some coffee?
All but Spock- Shhhhhh!!
Kirk- Okay, Bones! Go find PearlGirl!
PearlGirl- (comes into room) That won't be necessary.
Kirk- What are you doing here? I mean, SURPRISE! (jumps out)
(Pause)
All but Spock and Kirk- SURPRISE! (jump out)
Spock- Happy.... birthday.
PearlGirl- Why thank you, Spock.
Kirk- How'd you know?
PearlGirl- *Hello*! I'm the Author! Hee hee. I wrote it! Of course I know what you're doing.
Kirk- (groans) Oh well. At least we got you a party.
Chekov- I'm hungry! Refreshments first!
PearlGirl- No! I want to do the piñata first!
Kirk- Okay. Whatever the birthday girl wants.
PearlGirl- Cool!
Narrator- Everyone waits while McCoy tries to tie up the piñata.
McCoy- It's not going to work. This ceiling is too smooth. I need duct tape!
PearlGirl- Here, borrow mine. I always have it handy.
McCoy- Thanks.
Narrator- They get the piñata up.
Kirk- Form a line!
Snodgrass- Can I go first?
Kirk- We're doing it in order of rank.
Sulu- Ha!
Narrator- First it's PearlGirl, then Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Rand, Snodgrass.
Chekov- Do you vant to play?
Narrator- Nah. I'd better not.
PearlGirl- Why?
Narrator- It's not in the plot.
PearlGirl- There isn't really a plot.
Sulu- Cool! No plot!
PearlGirl- The only plot is my birthday party.
Kirk- Go ahead, PearlGirl.
Narrator- PearlGirl lets Kirk blindfold her. Then she steps up to the piñata. She takes a swing and hits the piñata dead on. It makes a small dent.
Kirk- Wow!
Chekov- Good swing.
PearlGirl- I could have broken it, since I control the plot. But I decided not to.
Kirk- Me next!
Narrator- Kirk puts on the blindfold. Then he swings at the piñata. And misses.
Kirk-Arrrgh! Take that you stupid piñata! I'll get you! You're no match for Captain James T. Kirk!
Spock- Why are you attempting to communicate with an inanimate object?
McCoy- I think he's pretending it's a Klingon.
Spock- Why would the captain do that?
McCoy- (shrugs) He's the captain.
Spock- That is not a sufficient answer.
McCoy- Maybe it don't KNOW a sufficient answer!
Spock- I see.
Kirk- Come and get me! All I've got is this stick!
Narrator- Kirk takes a third and final swing. And misses.
PearlGirl- Sorry, Kirk. Only three swings apiece. Unless you hit it of course.
Kirk- Stupid piñata!!
Narrator- Kirk throws down the blindfold and goes back to the end of the line with PearlGirl.
Spock- I wish to pass up my turn. I have no desire to try and hit a paper ball with a bat in order to get candy.
PearlGirl- But it's FUN!
Spock- I do not wish to participate.
Kirk- That's an order, Mister Spock!
Spock- Yes, Captain.
Narrator- Spock puts on the blindfold and stands up in front of the piñata for a few seconds, not moving.
McCoy- Well, Spock? Aren't you going to hit it?
Spock- Silence, Doctor. I am attempting to determine the piñata' s current location by listening. Because it has not come to a stop in the air, I can hear it swinging slightly.
McCoy- (rolls eyes) You go ahead, Spock.
Narrator- After a few minutes, Spock carefully swings the bat. It connects with the piñata, but doesn't do any damage. It just makes it go swinging through the air.
Spock- Hmmm. Apparently I did not use the required amount of force to break the piñata. I will have to redo my calculations.......
Narrator- Spock goes to the back of the line, muttering complex equations.
McCoy- Okaaaay then. My turn!
Narrator- McCoy puts on the blindfold and steps up to the piñata, which is still spinning from Spock's hit.
McCoy- I'm going to try it Spock's way. I'll show him how I can do it better!
Sulu- You? Ha!
McCoy- Be quiet! Must I remind you that I am a physical-giving doctor and you are a lowly helmsman?
Sulu- Thanks for rubbing it in.
Narrator- McCoy stands still for about two minutes.
McCoy- I give up! I can't hear the stupid thing!
Kirk- Well, Vulcans have better ears.
McCoy- My ears are just fine!
Narrator- McCoy takes the bat and swings. He misses the piñata by about a mile.
McCoy- Thanks a lot!
Spock- Actually it was closer to 5.423 inches.
McCoy- Big difference!
Spock- Correct, doctor. There is a big difference.
McCoy- I was being sarcastic! Do you know what it means??
Spock- Sarcasm is defined as a tone of voice, used to-
McCoy- I know what it means, you green-blooded Vulcan!
Narrator- He takes another swing and misses.
McCoy- I think it would have been a lot easier if I had gotten a piñata shaped like Spock's head!
Spock- I do not see how that would improve your accuracy.
McCoy- Because I'd try harder so I could hurt you!
Spock- Why would you wish to harm me? It is illogical.
Narrator- McCoy lashes out with the bat and strikes Spock on the shoulder.
McCoy- Logical or not, I just did it!
Narrator- Fortunately for Spock, McCoy was blindfolded and not all that strong. So he really didn't get hurt all that much.
Spock- Captain, why are you entrusting Doctor McCoy with such blunt objects?
McCoy- Arrrrgh! Can I tie Spock on a string and pretend he's the piñata? Please? Jim, you're my friend!
PearlGirl- Now, Bones. Don't get violent.
Scotty- Can it be my turn?
PearlGirl- Bones, behave yourself or you'll have to sit in the Time Out chair.
(Everyone gasps)
McCoy- Okay, okay. At least Spock didn't bust it open. Then I'd go crazy.
Spock- I fail to see-
Kirk- Spock, you'd better stop.
Spock- Stop?
Kirk- Yes. Stop.
Spock- Yes, Captain.
Narrator- Scotty gets the blindfold and steps up to the piñata.
Scotty- (tries to lift bat) Wow. This is heavy. Last time I had to lift something like this was quite a while ago.
Narrator- Scotty swings three times. His last try hits the piñata but doesn't dent it.
Rand- Would anyone like coffee?
Kirk- We're right in the middle of a game of piñata.
Rand- So?
Uhura- My turn!
Narrator- Uhura goes up to the piñata.
Chekov- Hey! You need a blindfold!
Uhura- But I'm a *lady*! I shouldn't need a blindfold!
Kirk- Too bad. We have to be fair.
Uhura- Hmmpf.
Narrator- Uhura picks up the bat. She makes three pitiful swings that don't hit the piñata.
Uhura- Pitiful? Who are you calling PITIFUL??
Narrator- (hastily) Nobody. She goes to the back and Sulu takes the bat and blindfold.
Sulu- Cool. This should be easy, since I'm so good a martial arts.
McCoy- Yeah, yeah, whatever. Stop pumping up your ego and get on with it. I want another turn!
Kirk- I don't know if you get another turn. After what you did to Spock.
Spock- I am not harmed, Captain.
Narrator- Sulu takes advantage of this distraction and takes off his blindfold. Then he swings and hits the piñata.
Sulu- I did it!
Narrator- But it didn't break. It's still hanging, but it now has two dents.
Kirk- What? How'd you do that?
Chekov- He vas cheating! I saw him! He took off his blindfold!
Sulu- (Sticks out tongue) Tattler!
Kirk- Bad Sulu! You have to sit out the rest of the game! No cheating!
Sulu- (pouts)
Narrator- Sulu goes off in a corner to pout.
Chekov- I'm next!
Narrator- Chekov steps up to the piñata.
Chekov- In Russia we have something sort of like this. It's a wery fun game vhere the goal is to try and stay in the game as long as possible, and get eweryone else out. I alvays vin. I am wery good at that sort of thing. One time-
Kirk- I don't want a Russian lecture, Mister Chekov!! Just get on with it!
Chekov- Yes, Keptin.
Narrator- Chekov picks up the bat.
Chekov- They make bats like this in Russia, but they usually have a better grip. They also are smoother-
Kirk- Mister Chekov!
Chekov- Sorry, Keptin.
Narrator- Chekov swings three times and misses all of them.
McCoy- I take it the piñatas in Russia are easier to hit, eh?
Chekov- (Icily) They don't have piñatas in Russia!
McCoy- And that makes them bad?
Chekov- So America is better, is it?
McCoy- Well, at least there it isn't so cold that ice freezes!
Chekov- How can ice freeze, Mister Know-it-all? It's already frozen!
Uhura- I thought Spock was Mister Know-it-all.
Kirk- Bones, I thought arguing with Spock was your thing. It seems you like arguing with Mister Chekov too.
McCoy- He's just a sore loser 'cause he didn't hit it.
Chekov- Neither did you!
Rand- Anyone up for some coffee?
Narrator- Everyone but Spock and Kirk stare at her angrily.
Kirk- I think it's your turn, Yeoman.
Rand- Okay. But I think that I should get to take off the blindfold. Otherwise I might chip my fingernails.
Uhura- (gasps mockingly) Oh no!
Rand- And I'm a *lady*!
Kirk- Okay. After all, we want you to have perfect nails, don't we?
Uhura- What?! You let *her* get off without the blindfold because she's a lady, but not me?!
Kirk- Well, she acts more like a lady.
Uhura- Yeah, I suppose you're right. HITTING the CAPTAIN over the HEAD with a BAT isn't LADY-LIKE now, IS IT??
Kirk- Heh. Heh. Are you hinting at something?
Uhura- (innocently) Why would I hint?
Rand- That's okay. I don't want to hit the piñata. My coffee's getting cold. I'll go warm it up.
Narrator- Rand rushes away with her coffee tray.
Kirk- It's Ensign Whatever's turn.
Snodgrass- My name is Ensign Snodgrass!
Kirk- (snaps fingers) That was it! I keep forgetting! Snodgrass!
Narrator- Snodgrass reaches for the bat and blindfold from Chekov.
PearlGirl- Wait. You're giving that red-shirt a BAT??
Kirk- Good point. Maybe this game is too dangerous.
Scotty- I think the poor wee mite can do it.
PearlGirl- Come on! That ensign manages to hurt himself in every episode!
Scotty- It's just a sport. How much damage can he do?
McCoy- (whistles) Let's just see, why don't we?
PearlGirl- Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Narrator- Chekov ties the blindfold around the ensign's eyes and gives him the bat.
Snodgrass- So I just swing at the piñata?
Kirk- Yup.
Snodgrass- But where *is* the piñata?
McCoy- That's the whole POINT of the game! You try and guess where it is!
Snodgrass- Oh.
Narrator- The red-shirt swings the bat in the direction that he *thinks* is near the piñata. It turns out to be closer to Uhura's head.
Uhura- Arrrgh! Get that bat-wielding ensign out of my face!
Snodgrass- Sorry.
PearlGirl- Strike one!
Spock- I believe, Author, that the term you are using refers to baseball.
PearlGirl- It can refer to anything I want it to!
Narrator- Then ensign swings the bat again and it's too high. It ends up getting wound up in the string.
Snodgrass- Darn it!
PearlGirl- Strike two!
Narrator- He gets it untangled and swings again. He hits it.
Snodgrass- I did?
McCoy- He did?
All but Spock- He DID??
Narrator- Yup. But it wasn't very hard. The piñata swings a little bit, then it begins to spin. It spins right towards the ensign's head.
All but Spock- Watch out for the piñata!
(Crash)
Narrator- The piñata hits the ensign on the head and knocks him out cold. But the piñata bursts open.
Scotty- That lad's got a hard skull.
PearlGirl- Wait, where's all the candy?
Kirk- Yeah. Piñatas are supposed to have candy
Chekov- Who got the piñata anyway?
Kirk- Bones did.
McCoy- Chekov did. I swear it!
Chekov- Russians aren't stupid! Uhura got the piñata!
Uhura- No! PearlGirl did!
PearlGirl- I did not! I think it was Scotty!
Scotty- T'wasn't me. You're the Author, ye should know it was Sulu.
Sulu- (comes back from pouting in the corner) No! It was the Narrator!
Narrator- I think it was the captain!
Kirk- Was not!
Spock- It was Doctor McCoy.
Narrator- Everyone stares at McCoy, except the unconscious ensign and Yeoman Rand who is making more coffee.
PearlGirl- You were supposed to fill it with candy.
McCoy- I'm a doctor, not a candy factory! I couldn't find any!
Kirk- Isn't that what replicators are for?
Narrator- McCoy stares at Kirk with an expression that says "Why didn't *I* think of that?" Then he hits himself on the head.
McCoy- Boy, am I stupid!
PearlGirl- You can say that again!
McCoy- Hey!
Chekov- Can we go have the cake and brownies now?
Narrator- At the mention of cake, everyone forgets about arguing and runs over to the cake. Actually, everyone BUT Spock does this. He just camly follows after them. They forget all about the unconscious ensign that they left on the floor.
Sulu- What ensign?
Narrator- McCoy starts sticking candles in the cake.
Uhura- No, no! You're doing it all wrong! Give it to me!
Narrator- Uhura snatches the candles and starts delicately placing them in the cake.
Uhura- You have to make it pretty!
McCoy- Sheesh. I'm a doctor, not a cake decorator.
Kirk- You know, Bones. I think you over-use that line.
McCoy- WHAT?? That's my special line! You can't take it away!
Kirk- But you use it every sentence!
Spock- Incorrect, Captain. He uses it, on average, 4.67 times per show.
Kirk- That's TOO much!
McCoy- But it's my SPECIAL line!
Chekov- You still have your "He's dead Jim" line.
Kirk- We can't cut that out!
PearlGirl- Who's going to light the candles now??
Narrator- Everyone ignores her. They're still arguing about lines. Even Scotty's talking about his miracles.
Scotty- I think I should get more miracles in each show!
PearlGirl- Isn't somebody going to stop me?? I might burn something down!
Narrator- Then the ensign wakes up.
Snodgrass- Hmmm? Why am I covered in band-aids? Did I get hurt?
PearlGirl- (to Snodgrass) Do you want to light the candles? That should get their attention.
Snodgrass- What do you mean?
PearlGirl- Here. (gives match to Snodgrass)
Narrator- Snodgrass walks over and takes the match.
PearlGirl- The ENSIGN who NOBODY remembers his NAME is going to LIGHT the CANDLES now!
Narrator- Everyone freezes. Then they rush over.
All but Spock- NO! STOP!
Narrator- Kirk grabs the match from the ensign.
Kirk- Oh, no you don't! I don't want to be blown to kingdom come!
Spock- Kingdom come?
Kirk- It's an *expression*, Spock.
Narrator- Who's going to light the candles?
Uhura- I will. Since *I'm* a lady!
Kirk- Okay. Just don't light it on fire!
Uhura- I can do this.
Narrator- Uhura carefully lights all the candles.
PearlGirl- Yeah! It's my birthday!
Scotty- Now we have to sing to ye.
Spock- Sing?
McCoy- Yeah. The birthday song.
McCoy & Kirk & Snodgrass & Yeoman Rand- (singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear PearlGirl, happy birthday to you.
Scotty- (Something in Scottish)
Sulu- (Something in Japanese)
Uhura- (Something in Swahili)
Chekov- (Something in Russian)
McCoy- What was that you guys were singing?
Chekov- I vas singing it in Russian.
McCoy- Figures.
Kirk- Blow out the candles.
Narrator- PearlGirl blows them out in one breath.
McCoy- Did you make a wish?
PearlGirl- Yup.
Sulu- What was it?
PearlGirl- Wouldn't *you* like to know.
Chekov- Now ve can eat!
Narrator- Everyone eats the cake and all the food Uhura replicated. We won't talk about that because it's uninteresting.
Kirk- What do you mean? Anything with me in it is interesting!
Sulu- Yeah, right!
Narrator- All we'll say is that nobody drank Rand's coffee. Except herself, that is.
Sulu- Come on, ensign. Have some coffee!
Snodgrass- I couldn't drink any! I'm a red-shirt!
McCoy- Don't try to kill off the ensign, Sulu.
Narrator- Now it's the end of the party.
PearlGirl- That was great, guys. I-
Uhura- Cough, cough!
PearlGirl- (rolls eyes) That was great, GUYS and GIRLS. I had lots of fun! It was the best birthday party ever! But I really must go. I have tons of new ideas that I want to work on.
Kirk- (innocently) Are you going to be nicer to us now that we threw you a party?
PearlGirl- Dream on! I haven't even gotten started yet!
Spock- The captain is not dreaming.
McCoy- It's an *expression*, Spock!
PearlGirl- Well, I'd better go.
Narrator- PearlGirl leaves.
McCoy- Well, that worked out okay.
Kirk- Except for you forgetting to put anything in the piñata!
Sulu- And Rand's coffee!
Chekov- And the ensign almost blowing up the ship!
Snodgrass- I didn't even light the match!
Sulu- Thank goodness you didn't.
(Pause)
McCoy- I really like holidays. (smiles) In fact, I'm going to make a holiday in honor of me.
Kirk- What? How about in honor of your favorite starship captain?
McCoy- But he died awhile ago.
Kirk- No! I mean ME!
McCoy- Oh. Anyway, It's going to be great!
Chekov- Vhy don't ve celebrate a Russian holiday?
Sulu- How about not!
Uhura- We could make National Womens' day!
Snodgrass- Should we have a Red-shirt day?
Kirk- You mean where we kill off red-shirts? Not a bad idea.
McCoy- No! I'm the only one making a holiday.
Scotty- How can ye make up a holiday?
McCoy- I think I'm going to have a little chat with the Author. See you next chapter!
(A/N- R/R! I'll have the next chapter up something. Another holiday, in honor of McCoy. It's going to be..... interesting.)
