PLEASE READ THIS! : I've replaced this chapter because I can't come up with a following chapter with the former storyline. I'm sorry for those who reviewed it. I deeply appreciate your support but it seems that my weakness has an author has overcome my writing skills. Hope you'll be able to forgive me. If you have the patience, please read and review. I'm really, really sorry for this outcome. Oh, and sorry for the looong update, it's been a habit of mine to slack off sometimes. If you're still interested, please read the new chapters before proceeding in this chapter. THANK YOU.
I Wish I Knew…
By Nokurai To-orima
Disclaimer: FB characters are the property of Natsuki Takaya. This storyline is only a product of my obsession in Fruits Basket, and being a no. 1 of Kyo x Tohru pairing.
"How did your song go, mother? I've forgotten how it goes…"
The shadow chases
The soft caress of moonlight
Seeking its embrace
Even though it knows
It will disappear at once
Still, it longs for her.
Without each other
Neither could ever exist
No light, no shadow.
Without a shadow
None recognizes its light
Yet they cannot touch
And thus is their curse
Lest they find their great courage
To share just one kiss…
And not fear the cost…
The shadow will disappear
All for the fair light.
Is that how it goes? I can't remember…
I can't remember you…
Chapter 2: I Wish I Knew Why Raindrops Are Made of Tears…
Okaasan… knowing my ugly nature…
You always look at me with a fabricated smile of yours. Saying words that you thought would comfort me just to be able to keep your 'motherly' duty. Tainted with philanthropic intent, did you really think it would be enough for me to know you loved me truly if you keep on saying the words "I love you"?
If you really loved me, as you said, why is there tears falling endlessly from your eyes? From the eyes marked with mixed emotions? Emotions like rage, angst, loath and fear are present? Why do you keep telling me that you love me?! Why?
Can't you even see that I'm also suffering!? Of course, you wouldn't have the faintest idea of what I feel about the curse… the curse that fraught my soul with misery. You wouldn't know that I was suffering as you were… Why? You were preoccupied with yourself… How can you say you love me? Lies…
But even so it's painful… I longed for us to be together. Like a normal family.
Mother and son.
It was okay even if you don't love the ugly part of me. It's okay if you were scared by it. To be frightened was evidence that you've seen it. As long as you wanted to continue our lives… With curse or no curse… as long as we're…
Together…
Together…
Then maybe… maybe our lives would be better.
If you tried to think about it…
* * * * *
"Kyo-kun… your milk." Tohru handed me a glass of warm milk, interrupting my usual musings of the past.
The past that involves my mother. It surprised me that I haven't felt hatred toward it. Is it because I've accepted it? I should be… it's not worth blaming it to a dead person. It's not worth it to be living with that pain… but why can't I let it go? If I had accepted it… why can't I let the pain go? Is it because… I haven't forgiven her?
I thanked her with a weak nod, looking at her large brown eyes sparkling with the recognizable joy she always has. I continued to stare at the former sunny day. It's raining already. I just heaved a sigh, I was supposed to be training today to defeat that damn mouse! But then again, these little raindrops of nature ruined me plans and my moods.
As always.
"Ne, Kyou-kun…" She started, sitting next to me, "Do you remember the time that you suddenly fainted on the way home?" She asked, smiling a bit. "Then I had no choice to hug you and carry you home… in cat form…" She continued, giggling after her sentence.
"No, I don't remember because I fainted…" I mumbled, feeling heat on my cheeks. How can I forget? It was one of those moments wherein I can snuggle and feel her body warmth against my fur. One of the moments wherein she brushes away my temper with just one pat on my head. One of the moments in which she keeps saying "Kyou wa kawaii desu!!" then hugs me close. Hugs me close to the place where I wanted to be. Where I wanted to be in the longest time…
Close to her heart.
It was hard… it was hard to admit to myself that I… I care for her. To all people that had shown me… something besides hatred… it was her.
"Mou… it was fun on that day!" she suddenly chirped, trying to bring up the heavy atmosphere somehow. "Do you like rain, Kyou-kun?"
There she goes again, asking those innocent questions. Doesn't she know how I hate the rain? "Cats are supposed to hate water." I told her, "And besides, don't you know that rain makes your brain flash back those memories you keep…"
Kyou, did something happen? What's wrong? Did Akito say something to you again? It's all right…
Because I love you.
"…those memories that you hide so much…"
Don't come near me!! What wrong with you?! Can't you see?! Can't you smell?! It's disgusting, isn't it?! It's repulsive, isn't it?! Why can't you leave me alone?! I don't want your pity!!!
I can't leave you alone! I won't let you suffer alone! I want us to live together, Kyou-kun…
(AN: This dialogues if from Vol. 6, chapter 33. It's when Kyou-kun transformed into the 2nd form of the cat and Tohru came to get him back home. It's a very sad, I even cried watching and reading the episode!)
"…those memories you that hurts you…"
It appears to have been suicide.
But it seems they don't know that for sure.
So she committed suicide because the suffering caused by having a son possessed by the cat was too much...?
That child doesn't cry.
Even though his mother's just passed away.
Even though he was the one who drove her to suicide.
That's not true!
It wasn't my fault!
It wasn't my fault…
"…those memories you wish to erase…"
Is this the cat true form? How disgusting…
I suddenly stopped. I hated it when my mind involuntarily replays my past life over again. I began to curse my self for being an idiot. I just knew where this conversation is leading to, and I don't want to talk about it.
She looked at me with an obvious pity in those brown orbs. Her lips were parted, as if she wanted to say something. To comfort like she always does. How her words found their use whenever she played with it. But, she just kept silent. She knew it would hurt me… scar me… like in the past.
I haven't forgiven my mother and myself at all…
"Excuse me…" I muttered before standing up, leaving her alone in my room.
* * * * *
I looked at him as he closed the wooden door behind him, leaving me alone in his room.
He's still running away… like Kazuma-sama told me.
How long will it take him to know that I've been watching him, trying to catch him whenever he falls? How long will it take him to see the fact that I've accepted him, and his other side… even if it's inhuman? How long will it take him to be aware of that I'm not disgusted, or scared or make fun of him? How long will it take him to recognize that I wanted to help him go away in a life wherein he's feels alone? How long it will it take him to realize…
When will he realize that I've been here? Waiting…
I sighed… Since when I discovered his other side, he began to walk away fro me, as if he didn't see how much I wanted to repay for the things he have done for me… But how can I? How can I make him feel comfortable in approaching me? I know he's not good in expressing his emotions… but all he need is a little push…
But what would make him?
With that question, I stood up and returned to my room, still pondering on the question.
* * * * *
[A coward! That's what you are! You're too scared to face reality! You're still frightened to take a step forward to the path called Life! Even if it's to lose some of your sanity, why don't you take the risk?! It's for your own good.] A small voice lectured me. He was right anyway.
[Tohru-chan just wanted to help you, that's all. It began again. She just wanted to take your load off somehow. The load that you've been carrying for all these years! Don't you want it? Why are you afraid? You wished for it for how long? How you wished for someone to accept you. To give you hope. To give you strength. To be with you… always.]
[But why do you keep running away from the chance? Do you fear she'll reject you?]
Of course! Who wouldn't? I replied to that unknown being.
[Don't you remember what Kazuma-san told you a long time ago? He said that if you love somebody, you must give that somebody your trust. You must have to believe on how she feels about you. You must trust her. You must believe.]
Trust her.
[Don't you remember? Believing into something makes your dreams come true. Although there are obstacles in the way that will pierce you, stop you or drown you into different trials… you need to believe. The word may not be as powerful as it sounds, but once it is imprinted in your heart and soul… believing will take you someplace you never imagined it to be…]
Believe in her.
But what if…
[Do not question. Do not doubt your feelings. Do not be afraid. The first step toward is always the hard part, but you must overcome it. For your sake. For her sake.]
For her sake.
A dry breeze is blowing, the city is getting cold
I wonder how many seasons have passed without even a sound?
My conversation suddenly vanished as an audible song was flying through the house with its melodious tone. I sat up from my lying position, trying to detect whether the song was real or just a figment of my imagination.
All of the people coming and going to bear heavy burdens.
Searching for tomorrow within the heat haze wavering in the distance.
It's definitely not my imagination. I wonder where the song comes from? Could it be from…? My feet started to run to the destination that I could think of. If it's not from there then it must be a ghost! Or something…
Feelings like sand kept falling through my hands...
Back then, the words that pierced my heart suddenly started to throb with pain.
That's strange… the song seems to be tugging a place in me… how it was able to capture the emotions that I've been experiencing… how can I be…
But...
I've searched for pieces of myself, counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain, I almost lose myself.
Heavy echoes of footsteps were heard as I went up to the stairs. Her room door was in front of me. Heartbeats palpitate hard against my chest, trying to get rid of the nervousness out of my body.
Right now, without fail…
I will walk forward, however far.
[Trust her. Believe in her. For your sake. For her sake.]
Yes… Right now, without fail, I will walk forward…
As the door shot open. There I saw that rain were not only Heaven's tears…
But one's liquid drops of sadness…
Continued…
* * * * *
Just to make things clear, sentences in brackets "[ ]" are the words the voice inside Kyou-kun's head is preaching! Don't confused it with the thoughts of Kyou-kun… weird ne?
Again, I WANTED TO SAY SORRY!!! I know I kept saying this like a broken record but I couldn't help it! Anyway, I wanted to thank you for the following people:
1. My reviewers! Thank you so much for inspiring me to go on.
2. My brain! Hehehehe… there's always an idea for a mental-block chapter!
3. To Natsuki Takaya's Fruits Basket! I wouldn't be making this if Kyou and Tohru don't exist at all!
4. And to Mikuni Shimokawa. Mind you, the song that I used is from her. It is the 2nd ending song of the anime called Gensomaden Saiyuki. You better listen to it, I recommend it.
For those who wanted to be updated! Please review or email me at furyoushoujo@hotmail.com
Okay! See you on the next chapter update!
