The Past is My Future.

Disclaimer: I'm going to reveal some shocking news. I'm not SE Hinton.

AN . Thanks sooo much for reviewing this, I love all of you like my small intestine. This story is almost over. Three more chaps after this.

*Pony's POV

*A few hours later

I felt groggy and weighted down. I knew I had slept, but this felt different. There was something about this that wasn't like all the others. I struggled to open my eyes and see what was around me. I knew it would just be the same white walls I saw everyday. I don't know why they can't put some color in this place. That's why half the people on this floor go truly crazy. They don't have any colors to look at, no bright hopes to gaze upon. Just the same dull white sameness. I strained to open my eyes and saw that there was someone beside me.

" Johnny?" I whispered weakly

He looked at me and smiled faintly. Was it my imagination or did he seem more tired that usual. Damn me for doing this to all of them.

" Hey man, how ya feeling?" he asked me

" Kind groggy, what happened and where's the rest of the gang?"

He seemed almost like he didn't want to tell me. Finally after a long moment of him starting at the floor he sighed and said,

" The gangs here, but I'm just really close to your bed. And as for what happened, I'm not really sure," he said.

" Then tell me what you do know" I practically demanded.

I wasn't going to be lied to anymore about anything. I could take it.

" Calm down Pony, all right, you spazzed out or something, and the doctors had to give you something to calm you down, so I guess that's why you're groggy," he said

" Why'd I spaz out?" I asked him

He sighed again.

" We were talking about the night we brought you here and you told me the truth about your Od ing, then you freaked and started screaming and cussing," he said

" Sorry."

" Don't be,"

If there was one thing I truly wished was that the gang would quit saying, " the night we brought you here,". Why couldn't they just call it "the night I attempted suicide"? Or even the night "I tried to kill myself"? Hell, I'd be happy if they called it "the night you tried to do yourself in for the first time." That was right, that was my first attempt. Out of..how many was it? Was it three? I'd read somewhere that we all dying slowly, and sometimes the process was sped up. That was me all right, but instead of the process being sped up, it was sped up then slowed down then sped up again. I'm not sure if I can take it anymore.

" Pony, are you ok?" Johnny's voice showed concern.

" I'm fine," I said quickly.

Was it too quickly? Johnny seemed content with my answer so I guess not.

" Where're Darry and Soda?" I asked.

" I'll get them, they don't know you're awake yet," he said

" Ok,"

I stared at the ugly white walls in front of me. Damn this place. This prison. Didn't they know we needed fresh air and sunshine to recover? Couldn't they see we needed to be outside? There was obviously a lot that medical school didn't teach.

" Pony!" Soda cried

" Hey, Sodapop," I replied.

" Pony..you're awake," Darry said quietly.

"I guess so," I said

There was a period of awkward silence. I've always hated those, ever since I was a little kid.

"Pony..Johnny told us about your overdose," Darry said finally.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Soda asked tearfully.

" I don't know," I said flatly

" You don't know? Pony, that was something we needed to know," Darry said

Soda was now crying freely, but slightly.

" Pony you almost died and I kept thinking how only 15 of those pills could've done that to you,"

I didn't answer him. Couldn't he see what this was doing to me? The reason I'd starting cutting in the first place was because I felt like a burden. Every time I looked at one of the gang I felt like I was being accused. Especially by Johnny and Dally. I look at Johnny everyday on those crutches of his and hate myself for doing that to him. I know Dally must hate me too because Johnny's his pet, and I've crippled him.

" I'm tired.." I said and hoped they would leave so I wouldn't feel so guilty anymore.

" Pony, come on please, just talk to us even if its only about the weather," Soda pleaded.

"The weather? How should I know? I can't see outside from here? So tell me Sodapop, is the sun shining?" I asked bitterly

This placed had changed me and we all knew it.

" Don't me like this Pony," Darry said

" Like what?"

" This all moody," he said.

" Why not? I'm on the right floor for it," I said

" Damnit Pony! Sometimes it seems like you don't want to recover. I've talked to your doctors and they said that for a while you were making a lot of progress and all of a sudden that went down? What happened? I thought you wanted to get better, wanted to leave this place," he said

I just stared at him. What could I say?

" Please little bro..we all want you to be able to walk out of here," Soda said

He had stopped crying.

" Ok, I want out too, but its gonna take time," I said in a weary voice.

" Is there something that you think would help?" Darry asked

" Yeah.get me the sun and blue skies with clouds. Give me a million and one sunsets and a few sunrises for good measure. Give me good thoughts about this world we live in, but most of all, take away all the scars on my arms because I don't want them anymore. I know you guys can't really give me any of that so I guess there's really nothing," I said

Then I turned away from them so I wouldn't have to see their expressions. Before I did, I saw the new tears in Soda's eyes, and in Darry's too.

Ok that was chapter 22. Good ? Bad? Please review.

Luv. Fyre