By Nokurai To-orima
Disclaimer: FB characters are the property of Natsuki Takaya. This storyline is only a product of my obsession in Fruits Basket, and being a no. 1 of Kyo x Tohru pairing.
My feet were nailed to floor as each bead of water fell from her brown eyes that were wide in surprise.
The drumbeat of the song rhythms was slowly matching up with the tempo of the guitars… it might be an interesting song for those who had listened to this. It is also a rather an emotional song to others' opinion. But to me, it was like a string. The words were somehow connected to my inner self.
Clear…
Lucid…
Drops of sadness continued to trickle down her flushed cheeks. The CD player was still playing the song that had somehow casts a powerful magic to me. How could just a song be so magnetic…? Is it because that I… that I've been feeling the same way?
"Kyou… kun…?"
I look at her eyes deeply, concerned in every way. I tried to lift my left leg, but it was nailed hard to the floor; I was afraid. What if I made her cry? What if I come near her would make her cry harder? What if…
[Remember, do not question. Do not doubt your feelings.]
[The first step toward is always the hard part, but you must overcome it.]
Involuntarily, my feet began to walk, going towards her. As soon as I was standing in front of her, I sat beside her, the bed creaking on my weight, my face a few inches away from her. My hand, out of my free will again, went to touch her tear-stained cheeks. She cried two times already, what's wrong with her? I thought, trying not to take of my eyes off her as my right hand traced the wet trails of her tears. Then, I opened my mouth for an apology.
"I'm sorry…"
Chapter 3: I Wish I Knew Why I Love You…
I wonder, why is the sky so vast?
Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come and the tears poured out.
I could suddenly feel my cheeks getting red by the minute. My surprised expression is one way of showing it. The way he walked to my direction, the way he holds my face now, and the words he just said was… awkward. It was something… Kyou wouldn't do. He just said he was sorry. But why? Does he know already? Did he know about that I've been thinking about him? Even though I haven't told my problem yet, did he hear my voice silently questioning him to tell me… to open up to me what sufferings he had to deal with? Did he?
"For what?" I weakly asked, trying to pry the reason out of him slowly as possible. This may be an opportunity that can't be repeated so I must ask him.
* * * * *
"For what?" She asked me with tears still forming in her eyes, her cheeks radiating the color pink. Was she… hiding something? I removed my hand fro her cheeks, crossing my legs. Her eyes of loneliness, yet was masked with joy was looking at my own. Maybe this may be an opportunity that can't be repeated so I might as well take the risk.
[You must trust on how she values you. You must believe in her.]
I opened my mouth, and with the courage I gather up since who-knows-when, I started to open up myself. "I'm sorry if… I haven't opened up in the past few days. I know that I worried you… but I… I have been thinking… about things…" My reasons were spaced by rude gaps of thinking. Even with this courage burning inside me, I was still holding back. My eyes fell to the wooden floor, afraid of what is the expression of her eyes.
I wonder where the birds are flying off to, as they freely slice through the wind?
One can't return to the same place as it once was in days gone by.
But, I wanted to be free… like she said about spring. Without this coldness, without this curse, without this fear, I wanted to fly freely through the wind. I want to break free from the chains of solitude that was still present in my mind for how long. But if I was able to fly to that dream of mine, whether it turns out good or bad, I wouldn't be able to go back to the situation or to my past self I was in before. I couldn't be because that's the rule of time. I looked at the string of white and black beads that traps the hideous monster I am. To be rejected… was my greatest fear. Especially if that person is someone whom I care for.
I want us to live together! To eat meals, study, and worry together. Just like before, and from now on, I want us to live together!!
Her words from the past incidence replayed in my head. I wanted to believe in those words… but what if it's like…
I would die willingly, if it were for your sake…
… like my mother's words? Words of pity? Just to sooth myself?
[Why do you doubt her? Don't you believe in her?]
It's not that… It's just that I've lived a life that's tainted with rejection, lies and fabricated emotions… how can one person, an outsider of the Sohma clan to be exact, accept a human with this curse? How?
[Why don't you ask her? And know why?]
Even if I give up my dream like this, I won't suppress my soaring heartbeat.
"How?" he suddenly mumbled, although it looks like the word slipped his mind and he, unconsciously, said it.
He was definitely thinking about things. But… what does he mean by how? Is he questioning himself on how to say his troubles? I know that it would be better if I would let him calm himself first, but… this moment won't last…
He shook as I laid my hand on his shoulder. He, too, was nervous about this. I admired his… awkwardness a while ago but it seems to be disappearing in each passing second. "Why don't you lie down, Kyou-kun?"
He looked at me, obviously confused but still on guard. "What for?"
I sighed, "So you can relax…"
* * * * *
"Oh," I replied, feeling a little stupid. I lay down on her soft mattress, breathing in a fruity scent… probably the perfume scent used by Tohru-chan.
"Now close your eyes and let yourself relax, and then breathe slowly…" she said, demonstrating it after.
I did what I was told, feeling the tension leaving me as I listened to her soft breathing. Listening to the soft tunes of the music made my stressed body and mind unwind for a while.
"Now I want you to talk. Talk about anything and don't stop, okay?"
I opened one eye and looked at her quizzically, but her own eyes were closed, ready to listen to what I've got to say. I closed my eyes again and think to start my talk here. Well, at least I was given a chance to talk. I should probably start on the day itself…
"It's had been a beautiful day since I've woke up. The sun was still shining and stuff… you get the point! Anyway, my favorite spot of the house was the roof, as cats would. I love that spot because you are so high, and the feeling of the spring breeze was definitely good there. Yes, I like spring because…" I suddenly stopped. I was getting to the part wherein she asked me about spring… but I've got to tell her. I got to.
"…as your mom told you, spring is like a prisoner. After so many hardships in a cold place, someday he would be free. Finally, he would feel the warmth embracing him besides of all he had gone through. And slowly, the person will be accepted no matter who he is in the past… But I don't feel the same. From my birth until now, I was still stuck in a black hole of darkness… loneliness… rejection… I was still an outsider of the Jyuunishi. Being cursed by the vengeful spirit of the cat, I was left alone because of the other form it holds!" I swallowed the rage that was building up, and then I continued, "I was really normal, if you looked on the outside. But I feel it was just a mask to hide the monster that was locked in by my black and white beads… I just wanted to normal… I wanted for someone who would accept me, even without this bracelet clinging in my arm… but…"
Someday, I want to reach as high as the clouds.
I'll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again
"What about your mother?" She asked, her eyes were now looking at me, studying my actions.
She still doesn't know about my mom… "She was… ashamed of me." I swallowed again, this time, trying to keep me from crying. "She would always say that she loved and cared for me… but it was all lies. After she knew about my other form, she said that she wasn't afraid of what I am! But why would she check if I'm wearing my bracelet ten times a day? And then, she always tried to make me better by telling me things like she was bragging about me, or I was too cute that she wouldn't take me outside and let the others see me… but the truth is, she was playing pretending! She didn't like who I am… they can't love me because of the other side of the curse, the side which isn't human. I just… don't want to live a fraud…" Shit, I'm crying already… Before I could wipe of my tears, I felt her hand doing the job. I looked at her even if my vision was blurry, and she was smiling softly, understanding the sorrows I've kept inside me for a long time. It was relieving… to let it out somehow…
"You just wanted to be loved…" she said in a whisper, as if her thoughts influenced her voice. "Please continue…"
I breathed in loudly, my hand curled into a ball. "Then… she committed suicide. The clan blamed it to me. They say that I was the one who drove her to kill herself because her suffering was too much… They even say that I was cold because I wouldn't cry… but how can I shed a tear?! After those 'motherly' words she had thrown at me… I just couldn't cry for her… for the wound she have caused… but I wanted her think about it and say we should continue our lives together… like a family… I have longed for that… I wouldn't care if she feared my other side. To be aware of it means she knows about the horrible existence… As long as she wanted to live our live together…!" I sat up, wiping the tears threatening to spill once again.
"I wanted to be accepted like everybody else… but I can't reveal my true self… I fear that I'll be rejected, detested, loathed as always! So… I kept on running away from my fears… never to open up… never to feel the pain that had tormented me over and over again! I just… can't take it anymore… But I wanted to be accepted…"
I will reach it, without fail.
This was the side wherein Kyou was hiding all these years. He had kept this behind the hostile front he puts up. But I couldn't blame him… anyone going to all that is surely a person who is wounded deeply… maybe even scarred for a lifetime. But why does this sudden confession of his made me uneasy? I've been with him all this time, so why did I become so anxious and confounded? Is it because he had shown his soft side? Or was it because of the streak of concern he shows whenever I'm sad?
"But Tohru… why are you still here?"
"Huh?" His question seemed to melt away my musings. Before I knew it, he was sitting up and stares right into my own. I suddenly feel the heat rise up to my cheeks. I didn't know how the intensity of his gaze was… but it was definitely like drowning in a sea of fire. "Kyou-kun… what…"
I've searched for pieces of myself, counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain I almost lose myself.
To be accepted, is to reveal one's feelings. I must let her know… it's now or never. It doesn't matter if she would turn me down… because for what she had done to me… is enough for me to know that I have loved… someone who, I wish, will accept me.
"Why does someone like you stay by my side? Cry for me? Knows how to ease my pain?"
"Kyou…"
"Why am I wishing for someone like you? I don't have the right to do that anymore… The very fact that you're near me is a mistake!"
The fact that I'm telling you this is being selfish…was I? But… I just…
"But even so… But even so… Why do I hope to stop time? To hold it even for a moment? And cherish it?"
I love you to the point it breaks me… but I can never give voice to the love I have for you… because… to say it was a mistake… you can never love me… a cursed human…. But I just wanted you to know that I loved you.
* * * * *
My heart was beginning to beat harder and faster. I wanted to look away from his intoxicating stare but I couldn't. I felt how his hand held mine. It was gripped hard enough to support him… but in some ways, I didn't want him to let go… what's happening? My chest suddenly felt like it was about to explode, as if something had been sleeping at the bottom of my heart… a red, painful passion perhaps?
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.
"Why do I desire to stay by your side? To see how much your smile brightens my day? To hear the words that mends my fragile heart? Why, Tohru, why?"
Why would I desire for it, in the first place? It was a forbidden love between a cat and a human… But… I'm also human with a human heart… a heart that is able to know the thing called love.
"I'm sorry… you might think I'm being pathetic here. It's because that I—I…no, I can't say it…"
"What is it…?" She asked, her voice anticipating for the words I want to convey.
"I—" I choked on the words. I anxiously searched for her face, trying to tell her what my voice can't. "I love you…"
Not making her react for the moment, I leaned forward and kissed her gently.
If I were to lose her right now…
Then I…
Then I…
I love her until she rejects me… even if it's painful.
I will reach it without fail…
[Trust on how she values you. Believe in her.]
[Believe]
Continued…
* * * * *
Author's Note: the next chapter will be the last so stay tune! I told you that this fic is short!
