I Wish I Knew…
By: Nokurai To-orima
Disclaimer: FB characters are the property of Natsuki Takaya. This storyline is only a product of my obsession in Fruits Basket, and being a no. 1 of Kyo x Tohru pairing.
Author's Note: This should be the last chapter. But then again, my mind came up (miraculously) with a plot that would make this fic a longer one… I hope. Hehehe, so to those who doesn't want to end this fic, your prayers were answered. Enjoy!
Once again, I sit alone in a world of darkness. As it always been. Always. Sadness of Heaven was still pouring on, just like the tears kept staining my cheeks. The wind blows cold and wet, the drops gathers like particles of memory waiting to be washed away. I pray for forgetfulness, yet my memory remains strong, even if my mind seemed to be in a blank state.
I curled myself up, protecting myself from the cold that begins to seeped through me… no, the cold wasn't from the rain. It was from me. A feeling that I have felt for so long… Since when did I felt this? I can't remember. I can't remember… All that I know is this emotion has melted away… it was brushed away by the caring acts of one person… and that person happens to be the one and only person that I've known to love… and the person who will soon reject me…
"Tohru…"
I mumbled out her name, hearing a faint echo traveling against the wooden walls of the room, and then was lost. I shifted to my side, still curled up on my own bed, hugging my pillow tight. I buried my face with its softness, thankful that at least it had not somehow abandoned me. I tried to seek comfort with its warmth, but it wasn't the warmth I wanted… it's not what I needed. Tears began to flow like river from my eyes to the white cover of the pillows, and I cried miserably… quietly to myself because there wasn't anyone here… No one to share my loneliness with…
No one.
I was alone.
Again.
It was strange how silenced preyed on my mind more than the emptiness in the atmosphere. They weren't the same, I knew, not at all. But with this solitude, time passed by in a turtle's pace. Time has passed… the time…
With that thought, my mind shifted to what happened earlier…
—Flashback— Chapter 4: I Wish I Knew Why You Did That…"I'm sorry… you might think I'm being pathetic here. It's because that I—I…no, I can't say it…"
"What is it…?" She asked, her voice seems to anticipate for the words I want to convey.
"I—" I choked on the words. I anxiously searched for her face, trying to tell her what my voice can't. "I love you…"
Not making her react for the moment, I leaned forward and kissed her gently. It wasn't in a rough manner, but it was hesitant.
If I were to lose her right now…
Then I…
Then I…
I would love her in silence… even if it were painful.
As our lips parted, I couldn't dare look up at her. I didn't have the courage to do so. I was still afraid of the pain. Pain of rejection. I knew that if I kissed her, I would lose the string that binds us. The string called friendship… But I tried to focus, I tried to control myself… but I wasn't able to. But besides of all this thoughts jammed in my brain, I looked up at her. Her innocent brown eyes were staring at me, wide in shock as a lone tear ran to her flushed cheeks. Oh no, I made her cry…
"Kyou… kun…" With that words enveloped with fear and pain escaped from her pink lips, running was only the coherent thought in my mind, and that's what I did. I dashed out from her room and went straight ahead to my room.
—End of Flashback—
I let out a bitter chuckle. Yes, I ran away from her. Out of her room. But my running didn't stop there. I was still running. Running away from my fear. Running away from the pain. Running away, as always. It suddenly made me wonder when will I have the courage to halt, and stand on my own? Maybe, someday. Or maybe that time doesn't exist. I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter anyway… nothing matters anyway…Because I have lost so many… I couldn't bear the pain of losing people. It was… too much.
[Do you assume that she hates you?]
That was always the cycle of my life. Once I was on top, I fall down… Fall down to a black hole of loneliness and pain. How I wish this cycle would end… somehow… I don't know how, but all I care is that it would end… I knew that when she touched my life, this cycle would end. But somehow, it did not.
I hugged my pillow more tightly now, feeling myself shattering into little pieces. Tears continued to trickle down from my hollow, forlorn eyes. I don't want her to reject me, but I don't have the right to dictate her emotions… it isn't right. Her hand was always extended to me whenever I fall… Ever since we've met, she had already saved me.
I like the cat in the Jyuunishi the best! I wanted to be born under the year of the cat!
I was never lonely… because in happiness and tears, she was always there, ready to catch me…
I can see it perfectly on Kyou-kun's back, a perfect umeboshi.
Even though I tend to push her away, she's by my side, comforting me with her words imbedded with care…
From now on, in the same way that you always listened to my complaining, I want to hear what your complaints are… Painful things, scary things, things you are weak at — I want you to tell me about them. I want you to let me worry about them. Because I want us to live together… To eat meals, study ...and worry together. Just like before, from now on, together, together I want us to live like that…!
But I knew better. This relationship we have is close because we are merely friends. But was it wrong that I desire to stay by you? To make you mine? Was it? Is it okay to be selfish once in a while if it's for my sake? Just to make me believe that you've loved me… even for a while… even for a moment… I wanted to believe that I have you…
But I'm aware that the love I had was forbidden like a cat to a human. This love I have will only hurt you, and I don't want to see you hurt or sad. But for this moment, for this moment only… I beg you to kiss my fears away, to promise me you're here to stay. I beg you to show me that you care, to caress me with your gentle hand. I beg you to whisper words of love, to let me know you're all I have... to live a life in freedom, without this curse… I beg you to make me smile... for this fragile soul of mine cannot bear losing your gentle self and loving you in the process is all worthwhile…
As the moonlight successfully penetrated the white curtains of my room, a deadly glimmer from the wooden floor caught my eye. I tried to reach without moving from my current position, and was successful. The shadows were making it difficult to recognize but the cold texture made it somewhat familiar to my trembling fingers. It was a small knife my shishou has given me before I left. It was sort of a farewell gift, but I didn't manage to keep it well… or use it well…
Use it well…The icy blade sparkled as the moonlight stroke it once again. My fingers wrapped around the handle of the silvery knife, holding it like it was made for this moment.
Moment of what?I looked at the weapon in my hand. It was like tempting me into doing the unthinkable. But don't I deserve it? Living with the other side of the curse was enough to say that I deserve such right. To live through life with this permanent scar wounded deep within your heart, your mind and soul was enough to say that I have the right to die.
Yes, I'm exhausted of existing and life's routine…"How hard can it be?" I asked myself, "You just cut your wrist with the blade and the suffering will be over. Doesn't seem to be hard." But it was hard. For some reason I feel like I was being watched, but by who and where. I sit up and looked around to see possible suspects. Then, at the corner of my room, I saw a pair of eyes telling me not to do what I had in mind, to give my life a second chance. Tohru was looking at me. Her picture. Her face was imprinted with innocent excitement and silent beauty.
If that was Tohru telling me to stop, then I would, but it was only a picture…
…only…
…a picture…
…of Tohru…
* * * * *
A picture.
I looked at the picture given by Momiji. It was a picture when we were playing ball at a picnic last week. Yuki and Momiji were on the other side, throwing the ball at us, while Kyou and I were trying to catch the ball. The picture froze that moment. Wherein I caught the ball while Kyou was still running after the other one…
Running.
He ran away. Again. I tried to stop him but my body had betrayed me. His sudden confession had shaken my bones, making them into jelly. Three words.
It was only three words that made my heart beat in a different rhythm.
It was only three words that had awaken something sleeping…
A red, painful passion.
I love you…His words kept repeating in my head for how many times like a broken record. But it wasn't driving me crazy, it was driving me into finding out how I felt for him. Why did he run out like that? Was he scared? He would be… To be rejected, blamed and put down all his life caused him to be afraid. Afraid to show his real self to other people. But what he said awhile ago was…
"But Tohru… why are you still here?"
Why does someone like you stay by my side? Cry for me? Knows how to ease my pain?
Why am I wishing for someone like you? I don't have the right to do that anymore… The very fact that you're near me is a mistake!
But even so… But even so… Why do I hope to stop time? To hold it even for a moment? And cherish it?
Why do I desire to stay by your side? To see how much your smile brightens my day? To hear the words that mends my fragile heart?
Why, Tohru? Why?
Unconsciously, my index finger touched my bottom lip. It was strange how the feeling and taste of that kiss still lingered on my lips. Is this how your first kiss feels like? As the kissing scene replayed back in my mind, I feel blood rush to my face, making it bright red.
* * * * *
Kyou-kun is Kyou-kun…
And Kyou-kun is wonderful!
I turned my back on the wooden frame containing her picture, still feeling her eyes staring at my back. Trying to persuade me not to do the biggest mistake in my life. I stared at the blade once more.
Well, it's now or never.
I slowly put the blade on top of the pale arch of my wrist, feeling its coldness seeped through my skin. My hands kept shaking, making me wonder if I was scared or nervous… or maybe both. As I applied pressure on the blade, my mind drifted to the girl whom I cared for.
The blade sunk deeper.
Thank you Tohru, for everything…A thin crimson liquid stained the blade.
And I'm sorry, I never wanted to see you cry… or sad… you deserve to be happy…Blood traveled upon my arm and drops into the wooden floor.
And I… love you… no matter what… no matter how… no matter why… I love you… Always…* * * * *
He had gone through a lot and he needed someone. Kyou-kun deserves someone better than me. Maybe there are persons who are greater than I am… and Kyou deserves them, but not me. Someone to cry on. Someone who know how to ease one's pain. Someone who will love him with or without the bracelet… Someone who…
Why am I wishing for someone like you?
My red face became redder as his words once again echoed in my mind. I glanced at the picture once more. My eyes locked at the perspiring orange-haired teen.
You are really amazing…
It is you who is amazing. To be strong, and able to live even with the burdens in your heart and soul… that's why I wanted you to share it with me, so I can help you. I wanted to know you, I wanted you to tell me things that you're scared or weak at – it's okay. You 're a human after all. But… isn't selfish of me?
It's okay to say something selfish once in a while.
If it's for your own sake…
It's okay.
It was you who said that. But…
I love you…Suddenly, the glass frame I was holding slipped through me hand and landed on the wooden floor, creating a crack. I looked at the cracked picture in front of me with horror present on my face. The line crack went in between Kyou and I, and then ending at the neck of Kyou, making him looked beheaded.
Something's wrong…
Without another thought, I rushed out towards his room, finding the unexpected…
Continued…
* * * * *
Author's Notes: Please don't kill me. I am still young and I intend to live as long as I can. I don't like the idea of you, the reviewers, mutilating me because of the bad turn of events. This fic is rated as an angst fic, and I will reach that rating. Sorry guys! But stay tune for the next chappie, maybe you'll find out why… hope you like it!
See you in the next chapter update! Ja ne *flying kisses to everyone*
