(FRIDAY Afternoon, PATRIOTIC PIZZA: TINO, CARVER, TISH, and LOR sit around
the table, Pizza Man in revolutionary war attire approaches them)
PIZZA MAN: Give me liberty! Or give me your order!
CARVER: A pepperoni pizza.
TISH: No pepperoni on my part. (PIZZA MAN nods and walks away) Okay guys, I meant to ask you. Tomorrow I'm taking this IQ test and I was wondering if you guys could take it with me?
LOR: Haven't you taken like a dozen IQ tests?
TISH: Well those were just tests I found online, there's no guarantee those are accurate. This is like a real official one, and. It's a little daunting.
TINO: Why would it be daunting, sweetie?
TISH: Sweetie?
TINO: That was my attempt at a pet name. No good? How about. sugar?
TISH: Worse. (PIZZA MAN approaches)
PIZZA MAN: With libercheese and crustice for all. (He sets the pizza down and leaves)
CARVER: Libercheese? That guy's really running out of ideas, isn't he?
TINO: Look, my point is you know you're smart. I don't even know why you take these anyways, they don't really matter. They just mess with your head, either making you egotistical if the result is high or with no confidence if the result is low. I've never wanted to take one.
CARVER: Me neither. Intellect's not so important, we live in a society that judges people on their appearances anyway. That's why I'm set for life.
LOR: You got a pepperoni stuck to your face, dude..
CARVER: .I know.
(SATURDAY, IQ testing facility)
MR. DIMANCHE: Hello happy young people. You're here to take an IQ test, I presume?
TISH: Hi Mr. Dimanche. I'm Tish Katsufrakis, we spoke on the phone.
MR. DIMANCHE: Ah yes! Of course!
TISH: There are my friends Tino Tonitini, Lora McQuarrie and Carver Descartes.
MR. DIMANCHE: Greetings happy young people! Well just this way, you'll have to take the IQ test one in a time. Anyone want to go first.?
CARVER: I will.
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay, come this way. (CARVER is lead away)
(FOUR HOURS LATER, Everyone has taken the test.)
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay, I have the results, would you like me to read them aloud or just show you?
TISH: Do you guys care?
LOR, TINO, CARVER: No.
TISH: Alright then just read'm out loud.
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay. first. Carver Descartes. your IQ is. 99.
CARVER: 99! ALRIGHT! That's practically perfect! Brains and beauty! Go me!
MR. DIMANCHE: Um. actually that's not-
TINO: Don't ruin it for him he's happier this way.
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay. now um.. Lora McQuarrie. 104.
LOR: Cool.
CARVER: Wait, WHAT? How'd she get more than 100%? I didn't see any extra credit!
MR. DIMANCHE: Um. Tish Katsufrakis. 141.
LOR: Whoa! That's great!
MR. DIMANCHE: Great? It's practically genius!
TISH: Wow! That was better than all my IQ test scores online. Aww, thanks for supporting me guys.
TINO: No problem, we knew you could do it.
MR. DIMANCHE: And Tino Tonitini. 158.
EVERYBODY: WHAT?!?!
(SUNDAY MORNING, TISH'S HOUSE, LOR sits with TISH)
TISH: Tino's smarter than me? How can he be smarter than me?
LOR: I guess it's not that surprising. I mean. he's always right in any real-life situation, even if he isn't rockin' the GPA like you.
TISH: I just can't understand this! All my life, in any situation I've been the brain. and suddenly I'm not the brain. God, Tino's the leader, isn't that enough?
LOR: I don't think he's trying to outdo you. It's not really his *fault* he's smarter than you, he just. is. You know. I think on some level Tino already knew he was smarter than you, I mean. he was very unwilling to take that test, and it was you who pushed us to do it.
TISH: Urgh! Lor! That's not what you're supposed to be saying, you're SUPPOSED to say "You're right Tish, Tino is just trying to usurp your role as the brain, the bastard."
LOR: But that's not what he's doing!
TISH: Yeah. okay. It's time for you to go.
LOR: Fine, I'll go, but. look, Tish, you seem to have a pretty good thing starting with Tino. Don't blow it before it gets a chance to start.
(LOR gets up and leaves, on her way out the door of the house she passes TINO walking up the sidewalk towards the house.)
TINO: How is she?
LOR: Nuttier than. a.. big. nut.
TINO: She mad at me then?
LOR: Oh yeah. It's so stupid. Well, you're Brain Boy, you talk to her.
TINO: I'd refrain from calling me 'brain boy' in front of her.
LOR: Right, well, Later Days.
TINO: Yeah, Later Days. (HE knocks on the door, MRS. KATSUFRAKIS answers it.)
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: Oh! Boytoy of Tish, how be you?
TINO: Boytoy?
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: I so happy for you peoples.
TINO: BOYTOY?
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: Tish is innard oom.
TINO: Um. you mean.. In her room?
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: Is what I say! (TINO goes up to TISH'S room)
TINO: Um. Tish?
TISH (trying to act happy): Oh! Hi honey! Question for you. Which do you think suits me best: The edgy, but well-meaning rebel OR the naïve and impulsive girl with a heart of gold, but has a lot to learn from the big smart leader that is you?
TINO: What?
TISH (more bitterly): Well, If I'm not the brain of the group I've got to be SOMETHING. I mean you've got leader and brain, Lor is the jock, Carver's the. well. he's Carver. And I guess I'm nothing. (She starts to cry)
TINO: Tish! Will you stop being like this? I told you these tests are meaningless! You know something. and I'll be honest. I've always known I was more intelligent than you.
TISH: HELLO! GIRL CRYING HERE!
TINO: But I've also always thought of YOU as the brain.
TISH: (stifling a sob) Me.? B-but why?
TINO: Look, who has the highest GPA in the grade?
TISH: ...Me.
TINO: That's right! Do you know my GPA ranking?
TISH: .What?
TINO: 54th in the grade. Look, just because I'm smarter than you doesn't mean I put my intellect to as much use. You have a much stronger work ethic than I do, so. maybe I have a. better brain. the point is you USE yours better than I do. That's what counts. I could never be like you, because I don't have the drive too.
TISH: (wiping away her tears) T-thanks Tino. That means a lot.
TINO: I think that verbal diatribe was worth a kiss. (They slowly share a deep kiss)
TISH: You know. I know I've caused most of the problems in the relationship thus far, but, y'know. I'm really a very good person.
TINO (sincerely): Of course you are, Tish. you're smartest girl I know.
[NOTE: I took some liberties by making Lor's real name Lora. I have no way to know that for sure, but it seems likely that it's Lora as that is a more common name. Plus I could see the tomboyish Lor shortening it. Oh well.]
PIZZA MAN: Give me liberty! Or give me your order!
CARVER: A pepperoni pizza.
TISH: No pepperoni on my part. (PIZZA MAN nods and walks away) Okay guys, I meant to ask you. Tomorrow I'm taking this IQ test and I was wondering if you guys could take it with me?
LOR: Haven't you taken like a dozen IQ tests?
TISH: Well those were just tests I found online, there's no guarantee those are accurate. This is like a real official one, and. It's a little daunting.
TINO: Why would it be daunting, sweetie?
TISH: Sweetie?
TINO: That was my attempt at a pet name. No good? How about. sugar?
TISH: Worse. (PIZZA MAN approaches)
PIZZA MAN: With libercheese and crustice for all. (He sets the pizza down and leaves)
CARVER: Libercheese? That guy's really running out of ideas, isn't he?
TINO: Look, my point is you know you're smart. I don't even know why you take these anyways, they don't really matter. They just mess with your head, either making you egotistical if the result is high or with no confidence if the result is low. I've never wanted to take one.
CARVER: Me neither. Intellect's not so important, we live in a society that judges people on their appearances anyway. That's why I'm set for life.
LOR: You got a pepperoni stuck to your face, dude..
CARVER: .I know.
(SATURDAY, IQ testing facility)
MR. DIMANCHE: Hello happy young people. You're here to take an IQ test, I presume?
TISH: Hi Mr. Dimanche. I'm Tish Katsufrakis, we spoke on the phone.
MR. DIMANCHE: Ah yes! Of course!
TISH: There are my friends Tino Tonitini, Lora McQuarrie and Carver Descartes.
MR. DIMANCHE: Greetings happy young people! Well just this way, you'll have to take the IQ test one in a time. Anyone want to go first.?
CARVER: I will.
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay, come this way. (CARVER is lead away)
(FOUR HOURS LATER, Everyone has taken the test.)
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay, I have the results, would you like me to read them aloud or just show you?
TISH: Do you guys care?
LOR, TINO, CARVER: No.
TISH: Alright then just read'm out loud.
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay. first. Carver Descartes. your IQ is. 99.
CARVER: 99! ALRIGHT! That's practically perfect! Brains and beauty! Go me!
MR. DIMANCHE: Um. actually that's not-
TINO: Don't ruin it for him he's happier this way.
MR. DIMANCHE: Okay. now um.. Lora McQuarrie. 104.
LOR: Cool.
CARVER: Wait, WHAT? How'd she get more than 100%? I didn't see any extra credit!
MR. DIMANCHE: Um. Tish Katsufrakis. 141.
LOR: Whoa! That's great!
MR. DIMANCHE: Great? It's practically genius!
TISH: Wow! That was better than all my IQ test scores online. Aww, thanks for supporting me guys.
TINO: No problem, we knew you could do it.
MR. DIMANCHE: And Tino Tonitini. 158.
EVERYBODY: WHAT?!?!
(SUNDAY MORNING, TISH'S HOUSE, LOR sits with TISH)
TISH: Tino's smarter than me? How can he be smarter than me?
LOR: I guess it's not that surprising. I mean. he's always right in any real-life situation, even if he isn't rockin' the GPA like you.
TISH: I just can't understand this! All my life, in any situation I've been the brain. and suddenly I'm not the brain. God, Tino's the leader, isn't that enough?
LOR: I don't think he's trying to outdo you. It's not really his *fault* he's smarter than you, he just. is. You know. I think on some level Tino already knew he was smarter than you, I mean. he was very unwilling to take that test, and it was you who pushed us to do it.
TISH: Urgh! Lor! That's not what you're supposed to be saying, you're SUPPOSED to say "You're right Tish, Tino is just trying to usurp your role as the brain, the bastard."
LOR: But that's not what he's doing!
TISH: Yeah. okay. It's time for you to go.
LOR: Fine, I'll go, but. look, Tish, you seem to have a pretty good thing starting with Tino. Don't blow it before it gets a chance to start.
(LOR gets up and leaves, on her way out the door of the house she passes TINO walking up the sidewalk towards the house.)
TINO: How is she?
LOR: Nuttier than. a.. big. nut.
TINO: She mad at me then?
LOR: Oh yeah. It's so stupid. Well, you're Brain Boy, you talk to her.
TINO: I'd refrain from calling me 'brain boy' in front of her.
LOR: Right, well, Later Days.
TINO: Yeah, Later Days. (HE knocks on the door, MRS. KATSUFRAKIS answers it.)
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: Oh! Boytoy of Tish, how be you?
TINO: Boytoy?
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: I so happy for you peoples.
TINO: BOYTOY?
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: Tish is innard oom.
TINO: Um. you mean.. In her room?
MRS. KATSUFRAKIS: Is what I say! (TINO goes up to TISH'S room)
TINO: Um. Tish?
TISH (trying to act happy): Oh! Hi honey! Question for you. Which do you think suits me best: The edgy, but well-meaning rebel OR the naïve and impulsive girl with a heart of gold, but has a lot to learn from the big smart leader that is you?
TINO: What?
TISH (more bitterly): Well, If I'm not the brain of the group I've got to be SOMETHING. I mean you've got leader and brain, Lor is the jock, Carver's the. well. he's Carver. And I guess I'm nothing. (She starts to cry)
TINO: Tish! Will you stop being like this? I told you these tests are meaningless! You know something. and I'll be honest. I've always known I was more intelligent than you.
TISH: HELLO! GIRL CRYING HERE!
TINO: But I've also always thought of YOU as the brain.
TISH: (stifling a sob) Me.? B-but why?
TINO: Look, who has the highest GPA in the grade?
TISH: ...Me.
TINO: That's right! Do you know my GPA ranking?
TISH: .What?
TINO: 54th in the grade. Look, just because I'm smarter than you doesn't mean I put my intellect to as much use. You have a much stronger work ethic than I do, so. maybe I have a. better brain. the point is you USE yours better than I do. That's what counts. I could never be like you, because I don't have the drive too.
TISH: (wiping away her tears) T-thanks Tino. That means a lot.
TINO: I think that verbal diatribe was worth a kiss. (They slowly share a deep kiss)
TISH: You know. I know I've caused most of the problems in the relationship thus far, but, y'know. I'm really a very good person.
TINO (sincerely): Of course you are, Tish. you're smartest girl I know.
[NOTE: I took some liberties by making Lor's real name Lora. I have no way to know that for sure, but it seems likely that it's Lora as that is a more common name. Plus I could see the tomboyish Lor shortening it. Oh well.]
