Disclaimer: Hogwarts, other Wizarding institutions and any characters you recognise are the intellectual property of J. K. Rowling. The characters you don't, especially Poppy, are mine. I'm writing this for a laugh, not to make a profit.

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Special A/N: This fic is in the same universe as In the name of Helga, which explains the other OC's and coincidences that you may read during the course of this story. Thanks for listening :)

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Poppy Skeeter's Very Secret Diary.

By shewhodares

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Later the same day

Place: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

I'm going to kill myself.

No, wait – as it's her fault, I'm going to kill my mother instead.

Seeing as you are still here, (can't you read? It's called a secret diary for a reason, you know), you probably want an explanation for these threats. Well, in that case, you obviously haven't met my mother. She'd create suicidal tendencies in even the happiest of people. But secondly, the situation I'm currently in is worthy of a life sentence in Azkaban for child abuse, in my opinion.

The people in charge here at Hogwarts obviously think that boring new students to death is a suitable welcome. First of all, they keep them waiting in this tiny ante-chamber (the damp in here is SO bad for my complexion) with the assorted freaks and geeks with whom they'll endure the next seven years (talk about cramping your style!). Second, a bunch of ghosts floating through the wall does NOT constitute any sort of entertainment. Third, the Hogwarts uniform (as opposed to the robes at Beauxbatons, made of simply gorgeous blue silk that would look FANTASTIC on me) makes the wearer look as though they're draped in third-rate blackout curtains. Great – I look like a bat.

Although that could come in handy for scaring people.

Anyway, back to the point – the Sorting. So-called highlight of the term – not that there's much competition, mind you – and what happens? We have to listen to a hat. That sings.

I really have heard it all now.

Just for the record, this isn't the song that the hat actually sang. However, and I think you'll agree, it's much more appropriate.

The professors here are tyrants,

What dictators they are,

Another year they've made me sing –

Inducing nausea!

You'd better wear me properly –

Not at a jaunty slant

I sort the brats at Hogwarts School,

And I am arrogant.

Don't think that there is anything

That you can hide from me –

Because I can, I'll read your mind –

Forget your privacy!

Your home might be in Gryffinwhore –

Believed to be the best.

They talk about their daring deeds –

Stupidity to the rest.

Then again there's Whattapuff –

Known for their loyalty.

They see the good in everyone –

Blind to the truth, you see.

You could be a true Raven-bore –

If so, I'd be ashamed.

Intelligent but slightly dull,

They simply are all brain.

Then even worse, there's Slythergit –

Most true to self of all.

In causing trouble and despair

Those serpents have a ball.

So, little first years, here you are,

Take heed of what I yell –

Better prepare yourself right now

For seven years of hell!

Fan-bloody-tastic. Just as I've put on an outfit that makes me look like a female Dracula (but with better hair), and listened to an object worn on a head telling me where I'll lose mine, I find out that none of the houses here suit me at all.

What I need is a house for people with all their brain cells in place who aren't likely to spend every waking hour in the library avoiding the people who are too naïve to recognise the ruthless gits who are out to get the people with only half a brain.

I think I need a lie down.

I knew Beauxbatons was a better idea.

OK, OK, seeing as I'll have to put up with these nutters for the foreseeable future (a getaway plan is in order, methinks), time to entertain myself as I see fit while everyone else gets sorted.

Making fun of them it is, then.

~*~

Things have gone from bad to worse.

My only chance for sustained sanity was that all the prats got put into the same house, and I got sorted into one of the other three.

So what happens?

The stupid hat spreads 'em out. I'm definitely someone who doesn't suffer fools gladly, even in small doses.

First blood goes to Huffle(Whatta)puff. Definitely a pattern emerging there – the mummy's boys and daddy's girls who'll no doubt won't be up for any REAL fun.

Raven(bore)claw – well, need I say more? Ooh, that rhymed. See, I can do intelligent too – except that my brand of intelligence isn't the type you need to get on the honour roll.

The best kind.

After them came the first Gryffin(whore)dors – the older students at their table looked like the kind to get up to allsorts. Juvenile stuff, probably, but it's a start.

Definitely ripe for corruption ;)

Slyther(git)rin – the last house to get its first new student. I'm telling you something, I've never seen such a motley crue. Minger after slimy creep after junior Death Eater – I shouldn't have been surprised.

I mean, what other house could have produced my mother?

Definitely not looking forward to this.

~*~

Just been sorted – one word sums it up.

Bugger.

At least Mum'll be pleased.

~*~

Hang on, I wanted to irritate the woman, why the hell did I come up with that idea?

To make matters worse, my new Slytherin housemates could have come straight from a "Most Wanted" list. They smell like they've been on the run for weeks anyway.

Let me introduce my 'mates' (please note that this is an example of sarcasm, which is probably far too subtle for anyone who thinks that the word "secret" on a document means you're SUPPOSED to read it) to you.

First to enter the snake's den was Millicent Bulstrode – a huge, mountain of a girl with a face like a bulldog who's bitten a wasp.

And I'll have to share a dorm with this creature.

Following her were two boys – Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle – who looked like male Millicents. Either that, or she looked like a female Vingory (my collective name for them, seeing as they never seem to be apart anyway). It's hard to tell which.

But back to the list of the condemned.

Mum will definitely be happy when she hears the next name of my next housemate.

Draco Malfoy.

The Malfoys are famous in the Wizarding world, basically because they're rich, but Draco's dad, Lucius, works for the Ministry of Magic – making him an automatic target for the poisoned quill of Ms Rita Skeeter. I'd always thought she had it in for Malfoy Snr in the same way that all reporters do for politicians, but having just seen his son, I'm convinced that the whole "woman scorned" thing has something to do with it.

Stop it, Poppy.

I blatantly refuse to fancy someone who appears to have bathed in a vat of hair gel. (And anyway, the next Slytherin guy, Alec Moon, is a much tastier prospect. Tall, dark, handsome – definitely someone to fall for having achieved world domination.)

Someone with other ideas – Pansy Parkinson – was the next girl to be sorted into Slytherin. A po (or should that be pug?) faced girl with the most insipid grin ever seen on Planet Earth, who on reaching the House table, bypassed everybody and went straight for Malfoy.

Ha.

Could say I felt sorry for him, but I'm not gonna.

Hogwarts just got ten times more interesting.

Next Slytherin? Michael Pritchard. He looked pretty boring to be honest, which automatically makes him a one to watch.

You know what they say about the quiet ones, after all.

Yours truly followed Michael, and I am pleased to report that there was a glimmer of interest in Moon's eyes as I approached. Well, with a choice between pug-face, bulldog-face and me, who do you think he'd go for?

At least they make me look good in comparison. Not that I didn't anyway, of course –

A-hem.

Someone else with a parent deserving a lifetime in Azkaban is Holly Wimple. WIMPLE? What woman in her right mind would marry a man with a ridiculous surname and then not have the decency to decline passing it on to her offspring?

Well, my mum's not in her right mind.

Thing is, as soon as Wimple (I can't even say her name without sniggering. Oh, the possibilities) sat down, her cheese rating bypassed Cheddar and Brie when she said

"I know my name sounds innocent, but I'm not"

and winked at Pritchard. 

Straight to Gorgonzola.

However, am prepared to forgive this indiscretion, as she a) didn't wink at Alec, and b) the implication of her statement is that she's game for that age-old extra curricular known as classmate-corrupting.

Could get to like this girl.

Last of the newbies was Blaise Zabini – a girl who, on the Hogwarts Express, had been seen wearing a t-shirt emblazoned (notice the pun?) with the slogan "ambiguous name, definitely all woman".

She's only eleven!

If she goes anywhere near Alec, mark my words, SHE WILL DIE.

I wonder if Holly lists murder as a hobby.

Now, as much as I'm sure you'd love to read further about my first day at Hogwarts, I'm going to leave you to your own devices – I bet you wish you were me, don't you? ;)

With tongue firmly in cheek,

Poppy Skeeter

X

~ * THE END * ~

A/N: Voila, another chapter! Incidentally, at the last count, Chapter One had thirteen reviews, making it the most successful of my stories so far. So, as a 'thanks' for all the lovely people out there who said something nice (all of you, yay!), it's dedicated to each and every one of you. I couldn't write without ya :) .

Grayson Hunter – I'm glad you enjoyed it, and as for your review, that was quick! Go you!

SithTahiri – I'll try :)

Adele – As always, your review made me smile – and I'm definitely glad you like Poppy. She's the personification of the Slytherin in me! As for Helga, I PROMISE that I'll write some more when my finals are done. It's gonna be important, so you'll have to wait a couple more weeks ;)

She's A Star – I also imagine that being related to Rita Skeeter would be awful, so hopefully that'll add some humour to the fic! Let it be known that as much as I complain about *my* mother, RS is the worse by far :)

Kat Hallowell – Look, I updated quickly! Does that mean I get a cookie? You get one when I get to read the next chapter of Wild Kat! :)

ginnyweasly16 – No, it's not over. I just felt that King's Cross and the Sorting were two separate events, meriting two separate entries in her diary. Thanks for the compliment, although I'm not sure who or what it was you didn't like!

DreamStar14 – Thankyou sweetie. I like the idea too :)

hobbsey – It's a coincidence, I just like the name Poppy! I figure with a surname like Skeeter, she deserves a pretty first name! Definitely you like it so far. Oh, and I'll write my next "Magic" chapter after finals, so expect it then :)

phoenixdreams – Hopefully this chapter was a decent length! I wanted to keep that one short anyway to test the water. More stuff will happen when term starts anyway, so naturally, the succeeding chapters should have more content.

Fiery Wordess – Love the name :) Yes, I intend to write more, covering the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone timescale. I hope you enjoy it!

Finally, if any of you made it this far, a special note – as Gryffindor gets most of the attention in canon, I always intended to write a fic for each of the "minority" houses, with perhaps the odd Gryffindor cameo. For any of you who've read it, "In the name of Helga" is obviously my Hufflepuff fic, and this is my Slytherin fic, with one main character as opposed to ten. Who knows, this summer I may even get an idea for a Ravenclaw story.

Anyways, goodbye, sayonara, auf widersehen, au revoir, ciao and adios, and READ AND REVIEW! Thanks :))

~ * shewhodares * ~