Hello, everyone. This story/thing was born when my sister and I couldn't find anything on fanfiction.net that we were in the mood to read, so I told my sister that I would write something for her. So, I asked her for a noun, because I was in the mood to write something weird, and she said: Hogwarts! And, of course, I am never against writing anything about Hogwarts. This might be the single scariest thing you will ever read, but I find it amusing, and am rather proud of it, so please, only constructive criticism if you have negative comments. Actually, I don't really care. Flame me all you like, but I DO realize that it is quite strange, so there isn't much point in telling me that it is. My sister won't even read it, she finds it too weird. I promise that the next chapter will be much longer. And I will probably put it up today. If you have ideas for Hogwarts topics I can write about, put them in your review. I plan to write about specific stories that have happened in the castle, specific people that have been in the castle at one point or another, and secret passageways. Thanks for visiting! I hope you will be glad you did.

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The Official Guide to Everything to be Known in,
Around, and About Hogwarts and the Residents of Such

Introduction.

Welcome, reader. You have stumbled onto the most disturbing book ever known to wizard-kind. If you have a weak stomach, are pregnant, take any medications, are a muggle, are taller than 6'7", shorter than 4'3", or fatter than my great uncle Rupert, read this at your own risk. Actually, you will be reading at your own risk anyway. We have no guarantee that this story is any more than the ramblings of an insane lunatic, and the facts might be completely made up out of nowhere. It is possible that stories may change before, after, or during the time you are reading them. Facts may be completely twisted around. Anything that you have before held as truths will be turned upside-down, whirled around, and given a swift kick. While reading this, some have been known to lose their minds, second cousins, favorite socks, or left pinkies. If you have read all this, and still choose to proceed, I wish you good luck. You will need it. And by the way, if you are Percy Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, that stupid Umbridge woman, Bellatrix Lestrange, the house-elf named Kreacher, a Blast-Ended Skrewt, Peter Pettigrew aka Wormtail, Cornelius Fudge, a traitor to the D.A., or anyone else I haven't taken a liking to, a venture forth into the contents of this book could prove fatal. And Argus Filch, don't you dare throw me away again, or I will tell the whole school that you are a nasty Squib.

Review now, please! I shall be desolate if you don't!