I had to turn my back on the enemy… the shame. For some reason in the middle of the battle a blue light enveloped us and took Slap Girl and myself away from the battle…

 I'm betting this guymelef that it has something to do with her.

   Let me tell you, it was not a smooth ride. Far from it!! And at some point, I felt my hands relax (brain burp on my part?) and next thing I know, I look down and Hitomi's not there.

 This could potentially be bad….

  And unlike those other "elite" countries that stick their noses up at us, we farmers all know that what comes up, must go down. I'm wondering how much farther I'll be going up before I go down again…

    Oh, here we go.

    If only I weren't in this guymelef, I could spread my wings and—

Tra la lalala la…doo do do do doo…

……

BAM-crunch!

    Ouchies. Hope I didn't break anything…or land on anyone. I hop out of Escaflowne and, seeing no blood, assume all is well. And, judging by the stars, I am still on Gaea.

Thank. The. Gods.

    But then I remember Hitomi.

Well, you know, considering our height and the rate at which we fell, that and no Esca-protection, this farmer-king predicts:

DEATH

And even if she was alive, remember those lightning-quick reflexes and battle tactics of that horrid decrepit moon, she wouldn't last five minutes in Gaean wilderness!!

Well, Slap-Girl, it's been nice knowing you.

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"

"Hitomi!?"

Alive!?

I rush the scene, charging into battle, not thinking about the consequences of my actions… again!

Run

Run

Run!

Leap over log!

Stepped in doo-doo!

Run

Run

Run!

Ha ha ha!

How loud can she scream!?

I'm happy I wasn't there to hear it…

Course, we all know she is strong with the hands…. I guess we figured out she is strong with the lungs too.

I hear sappy words… this could be bad…. I also hear something about 'Amano' … I think I've heard that name before….

…..

…..

…..

PUSSY BOY!

Diving through the bushes I scream her name, demanding to know what that woman had done to Hitomi. Geez, Gaea today!

"Making rash threats is never a good idea," the woman says.

Oh, really? I reach for my sword, ready to slit this woman from nose to navel.

"Don't draw!"

No? I'll sketch then.

"If you draw, you will die."

"What!?"

It's a man! Gyaaaaaaaaa! He looks like a friggin' stereotypical angel from the opening credits!

"My duty as a knight is to answer steel with steel."

Fine, my steel your… it's a man!

"I don't draw to play games."

Then get out of here, this is my fort meanie! Geez. If he wasn't taking it so seriously I'd roll my eyes now.

I pull out my sword, giving him a look of pure irritation. What had he done to Slap Girl? She was my Mystic woman! I found her, she belongs to me! The blonde "knight" tells me I'm a fool and gently puts down Hitomi…

If only she was awake to slap him…

He pulls out the sword with a flourish, a flourish I tell you! hahahahaha!!! He obviously takes his art very seriously and is under the distinct impression that he is going to kick my butt… he has another thing coming…

Then again, I don't charge aggressively enough.

I charge at him, much like the dragon. Compared to that this guy will be a breeze! And… that is apparently what has moved me… the blonde he-she in purple does a back-flip (chicken!! Trying to escape my wrath!!) and lands on the ground.

"Your swordsmanship is excellent."

Why, thank you! You're the first to think so! … that says something about you.

"But—"

But!? There is always a 'but'. Like, 'you don't charge aggressively enough.'

BAH!

He lunges at me and… HUUUGH! I just lost my lunch… ugggh. I fall to the ground, seriously stunned that… thing! Beat me. The world grows dark… I can be… dramatic… too…..

I'll skip over the finer details of when I woke up and how scared was… I mean, you can't really trust certain people… especially when there is a he-she that recently kicked your butt at sword play.

Grrr.

"You're saying that she is from the Mystic Moon? She's one of its inhabitants?"

"Yes, like we've said a dozen times before"

Moron

With a flourish of his hands (are you sensing a pattern too?) he pulls out… MY SWORD?! How did he get that! How dare he! I can have him beheaded for this! … hey! I really can! Wahoo!

He turns his attentions to Hitomi, that predator. I still think he was the one who did … whatever to her! He asks her for her name and of course she gives him the answer straight, acting all coy and innocent.

Slap him!!

You know you want to!!

Share and share alike….!

She's not moving.

Traitor.

He rolls the name 'Hitomi' around for awhile, acting as though it's the most beautiful name in the world. I'm betting the guy is more obsessed with his own name. "'Allen, Allen' Wow, that has a nice ring to it! I wish I could marry myself."

I apologized for landing in his country, it was that entire blue lights fault, but I don't want to go into it. I politely ask for my guymelef, Escaflowne back, from his dirty paws. Instead, he simply asks me questions! Time is valuable! I need to get back to my country and take care of those enemies!

I am KING!

HEAR ME ROAR!!!

"What are you going to do with you guymelef?"

What do you think I'm going to do with it!? Jump rope? Get drunk and destroy a city? COME ON!

He tells me it won't do any good. WHAT? What do you know sitting… here… in this fort! With me! Nevermind!

Next thing I know Allen tells me that Fanelia had been destroyed. My mouth opens but no words come out… he has to be lying! No! I was holding out on the off-chance that perhaps, just perhaps, all would be well and that when I left, hey! They got bored and left Fanelia all alone, in perfect condition.

Ha ha ha?

Allen is babbling. I see his mouth moving but none of it is connecting. All I see if BURNING FANELIA.

Pathetic whimper.

Noooo.

King… one… day….. not… even… that….

And the whole thing is gone…

I weep.

Suddenly, the building starts to shake and… what… guymelefs… Hitomi is saying those are the ones that destroyed Fanelia…

LET ME AT THEM!!!

TIME TO DIE!

PREPARE YOURSELVES!!!

Though I think I've been proven time and time again I suck at this sword combat thing… Perhaps if I got Escaflowne I could step on them while they're out of their guymelefs… hmm… that's an idea….

Honor bound angel on shoulder, that looks like Allen, is shaking head.

Damn.

Allen goes off to be the diplomat, trying to get Hitomi and myself to stay behind. While Hitomi tries pleading with some… dude…. I try the Fanelian maneuver. I push past them and get a front row seat.

Not so bad for being a farm country, are we?

I continue glaring, holding all my willpower not to run forward and try to attack that jerk that destroyed my country…. Glare glare glare… if only looks could kill.

Allen seems to be trying to cover up for us, probably trying to protect us or something… a likely story. Through my glaring (and tribal war drums pounding in my ears) I catch onto their conversation.

"Would it have anything to do with Fanelia to the west being attacked?" inquires Allen.

"That run-down little country?" the albino rat responds. I'll show you run-down! "Maybe the leaders were eaten by the dragons of the valley. It's a fitting end for such a back-water country, don't you think?"

WHAT?!

LET ME AT HIM!

I'm shocked! Back-water!? How so!? We have WIND-MILLS!!! What do you have? Besides… stuff.

Then, that albino rat calls me a coward! It wasn't my fault, it was HITOMI's! I finally speak up, too angered to keep silent, probably too stupid too. I don't know what I said, but suddenly everything got a little tense and quiet….

The albino turns towards us, narrowing his eyes, and approaches. I'm ready, prepare yourself for your downfall and --- HEY! He simply shoves me aside and proceeds to try and intimidate or something MY mystic moon girl! Why can't people get that I found her and she's my responsibility!

He makes a snide comment about her clothes. Well, I agree about that, they are strange, but look at you… you… albino. Then he asks what country she is from….

Foreboding…. Major sense of…..

Bad….

….

Doom…

"She's my new lover," Allen says.

WHAT!?

SINCE WHEN!?

"I found her in the east, her name is Hitomi."

Yeah, give away her name like that to him. And since when have they been lovers?

….

THE WOODS!

I knew it!

The albino looks just as sickened as I as Allen kisses her.

No thoughts on that matter… that I care to think about… haaaa…

Burning Fanelia.

Burning Fanelia…

Gone….

With the wind.

"You live up to your reputation, Allen Schezar," comments Dilandau as he turns to leave.

I'll say.

How dare he.

The crew talks about Allen doing it before… I'm not pleased. Whatever gets rid of Dilandau I guess.

Allen wraps it up, telling Hitomi he probably didn't really help her reputation with Zaibach. I glare as Hitomi stares after Allen, annoyed with the two of them.

Gaea sucks.

Fanelia is gone.

Dilandau, I'll get you…

And all your girly-men too.

Sitting alone in a room with Hitomi, lost in my thoughts over my country and the failure I am. Boo-hoo. Hitomi mumbles something I didn't catch (I really don't care… really) and tells me not to sulk.

Excuse me? Did your country just get burned to the ground? No, you have a home to go home to!... somehow!

Bitch.

Suddenly, she puts some cards down and says something about a Hermit. Huh? Well, I guess I am now, thanks for cheering me up! I'll return the favor someday!

You're a bitch!

What are those?

"Tarot cards."

And those are…?

"They tell you your fortune."

Sure they do, keep on believing it. Cards can't tell fortunes, moron.

Suddenly, I hear the words 'card of death.' She has my attention now… but obviously, she has none herself… She starts freaking out, her eyes rolling around madly, foam at the mouth!

Okay, perhaps I'm exaggerating a little.

"Hitomi!" I cry, grabbing her shoulders to try and bring her to. Perhaps if I shake her….

Her eyes snap open, scared, and I demand to know what has happened. Before she can answer though I hear something metal strike against the wall. I tell Hitomi to stay back and draw my sword. I am the man after all, you woman. But, I might need your slap assistance if all else fails.

The floor bursts open and this mole-man comes out of the floor commenting about wrong room or something. Hitomi lets out a shriek and calls him a pervert. Huh? Did I miss something….?

The mole-man takes us to the storage area where the guymelefs are kept. Scanning… scanning… ah! There is Escaflowne! I start walking briskly towards it, trying to contain the skipping effect, when Hitomi asks me what I plan on doing.

Duh.

I wonder.

I hop into Escaflowne, almost immediately feeling better. It's like a protective shell against the world….

Good one Van.

I hear nagging from the ground… is that girl good for anything else? Don't worry, I'll come back someday and get you to return you home. I mean, you seem to be enjoying yourself with Allen and I wouldn't want to break the two of you up just yet.

The door opens and….

Oh crap.

Caught.

He challenges me to a duel… you're on!

Face me, Allen!

"I accept!"

Course you do, don't want to deflate your manly ego now, do I?

I draw my sword, and out it goes. Heh, still funny.

We prowl around each other, trying to intimidate the other, and I get this over-astounding support from his crew towards me. I take up the stance I know all too well and charge, doing this cool little trick where I drag my sword through the dirt. He easily blocks me.

"You don't charge aggressively enough, Van!" he cries smugly.

If I hear that one more frickin time…!

"Balgus would have never held back like this!"

What about Balgus…? He then launches into some crap about how Balgus was his swords-master. Well la de da.

He pushes me to the ground, and aims to finish me with a dramatic blow. Well Ha! I block you! Score!

But wait…I'm defeated. Stupid Allen.

Well, I'm the ground now, a sword in my face. Now, the little evil me on my shoulder says hint-fully "kick kick, I mean, he is in range" but…stupid honorable battle code. I climb out of Escaflowne, full of self hatred as his crew practically laughing their arses off at me. Thanks.

Balgus…you cheap teacher.

Hitomi wanders over, probably to laugh or slap me. Yeah, whatever.

Suddenly, the music starts up! I look at Hitomi quizzically, because undoubtedly this is her doing once again, and she starts yelling to Allen to run away with a series of dramatic poses.

Only her…

+++++++++++++++++++++

Disclaimer: We do not own Escaflowne or Van… not making money, humor involved. Parody! *does little jig*