Author's Note/Disclaimer:  I don't own WA 3.  It belongs to those kind people at Media Vision and Sony.  All hail them!  ^_^  I also don't own any of the references made to Astroboy, The Blair Witch Project, Sunset Riders, FF VII, FF VIII, Animaniacs or the Scooby Doo movie.

I am genius!  I got my speakers hooked up all by myself!  Yay!  ^_^

Anyway, here's the next installment of the Memory Figure series, a joint work with Nick Contra.  (And by joint, I don't mean we were smoking pot while writing it, but we may as well have been!  ^_^) Sorry this took so long, but I've only just gotten back from a trip to New Brunswick (My little three cylinders Putt Putt car survived Montreal!  Twice!) and now I'm moved into my new place and don't have Internet yet.  If this gets posted before July, it's because I'm borrowing either my sister's or my boyfriend's net.  ^_^ Anyway, good to be back, and here's some more zaniness.  Oh, and be forewarned, characters may seem a little OOC in this.  ^_^

"Interview With A Memory Figure"

Scripted by Skylark Starflower and Nick Contra

Acted and filmed by the cast of Wild ARMs 3

Started May 28, 2003

Finished June 1, 2003

(3…2…1…beep)

(The scene opens to a badly painted sign that reads 'Interviews With Memory Figures'.  The right side dips slightly to show Gallows.)

Gallows:  Oops, slipped.

(The left side wobbles a bit as Clive, who is holding the other end, slaps his forehead.)

Jet's Voice:  (From behind the camera) Come on, guys!  Sky'll have our heads if we screw this up!

(The sign is straightened and Virginia comes out to stand in front of it.)

Virginia:  Hello all, and welcome to 'Interview With A Memory Figure'.

Jet's Voice:  (Hissing) That's 'Interviews With Memory Figures!'

Virginia:  (Turns to look at the sign.) Oh, so it is.  Anyway, welcome to the show.  To start, we will be talking to Philly, the –

(Virginia is interrupted when Gallows once again drops his end of the sign.  Clive loses his grip as well, and the sign crashes to the ground.)

Gallows:  (Sweatdrops) Oops.

Clive:  (Shakes his head and sighs.)

(The picture suddenly turns sideways, then to fuzz.  When the camera is turned back on, Virginia is standing in front of Jolly Roger's Memory Figure.)

Virginia:  Jet!  Turn that off!  I'm not ready yet!  Where's my script!?

(The camera is set down and Jet runs past the screen, disappearing into the saloon.  He soon returns, hauling Clive with him.)

Jet:  I know you don't want to do this, but hiding the script won't stop the show, and you know it!

(Clive just grins stupidly and hands the script to Virginia as Jet picks up the camera again.)

Virginia:  (Gives Clive a strange look) Are you drunk?

Clive:  (Slurred) Off course not!  (He spins around for no apparent reason and topples over onto his back, giggling.)

Virginia:  Right.  (She backs away and turns towards the camera.)  Today, we are talking to Philly, the Memory Figure from Jolly Roger.  How are you today, Philly?

Philly:  Beep I'M GOOD, VIRGINIA…

Virginia:  So, Philly, when you were just a little Memory Figure, what were your dreams for the future?

Philly:  Beep OH, YOU KNOW…  I WANTED TO BE A DRIFTER, BUT THEN MY DAD REMINDED ME THAT I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO WALK…  SO NOW I SIT HERE ALL DAY AND LISTEN TO PEOPLE TALK.

Virginia:  Really?  So, if you can't walk, why do you have legs?

Philly:  Beep WELL, I CAN SORT OF HOP…

(Philly starts to rock and suddenly falls over.)

Philly:  Beep HELP, I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP…

(The camera shakes as Jet snickers.  Virginia sweatdrops and picks Philly up.)

Virginia:  Anyway, Philly… what's it like not having any arms?

Philly:  Beep MUST YOU REMIND ME OF THE SHAME OF MY KIND…?  sniff

Virginia:  Um… There, there… (Pats Philly and consults the script) So, do you ever find yourself possessed of the uncontrollable urge to scream, "I have no hands"?

Philly:  Beep I-

(He's interrupted as Clive runs in front of the camera.)

Clive:  Gallows, catch!  ^_^

(Clive throws a lit bomb at Gallows, who catches it out of reflex.)

Gallows' Voice:  Oh, hell!

(Gallows throws the bomb away, and it rolls up beside Philly.)

Philly:  Beep OH, SHI-

*BOOM*

(Philly now lies in a smoking heap.  Without thinking, Jet chucks the camera at Clive's head.)

Jet's Voice:  Clive, you drunken bastar-

(The camera hits Clive in the head and the shot is reduced to static.  When next it is turned on, the picture is upside down.  Jet, Virginia, Clive and Gallows are standing by the big rock at the Baskar Colony.  Clive looks particularly hung over and has a bandage wrapped around his head.)

Clive:  (Groans) Look, I said I was sorry.  What more do you want?

Virginia:  Well, you could interview Torin.

Clive:  Urg… Must I?

Virginia:  Well…  it's either that or I'll tell Catherine some horrid lie about you and Melody.  ^_^

Clive:  Y- you wouldn't…

Virginia:  Try me.

Clive:  All right.  Fine.  Could I please see the script?

(Virginia hands the script to Clive and he glances through it.  He stops on a page.)

Clive:  I have to ask the Memory Figure that?!

(Virginia just grins.  Jet disappears behind the camera and the picture turns upside right.  Clive walks over to Torin.)

Clive:  I… uh… (Looks at the camera and freezes.)

Gallows' Voice:  Oh, great!  He's camera shy!

(Gallows stalks over to Clive and smacks him upside the head with the Steady Doll.)

Gallows:  Get going!

Clive:  Ack!  Ow, ow, ow!  All right!  (Turns to Torin as Gallows stalks back off screen) So, uh, you are Torin?

Torin:  Beep YES… (Rolls his eyes)

Clive:  (Consults script) Okay, I should ask… oh, dear… (Hides his face behind the script and is somewhat muffled) Are you flammable?

Torin:  Beep WHAT…?  WHY DO YOU WANNA KNOW THAT…?

Clive:  (Sighs) I do not.  I'm just required to ask it.

Torin:  Beep I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THAT…!

Clive:  (Looks at the script again) In that case… (Stares pleadingly at the sky) I cannot believe she scripted for this eventuality.  Virginia, could you come over here, please?

(Virginia walks over and Clive shows her a section of the script.)

Virginia:  Seriously?  Well, all right.

(Virginia pulls out her Tindercrest.)

*FOOM*

Torin:  (On fire)  Beep YAAARGH…!

(Torin attempts to run around, but only falls over.)

Torin:  Beep YAAARGH…!

*FWOOSH*

(Gallows uses the Freezer Doll to put out the flames.)

Torin:  Beep THANK YOU…  I THINK…

Clive:  (Stands Torin up again) All right, next is…  oh, my.

Torin:  Beep WHAT…?

Clive:  (Sighs) Are you inflammable?

Torin:  Beep WHAT…?  BUT THAT'S THE SAME AS – OH, NO…

*FOOM*

Torin:  Beep YAAARGH…!

*FWOOSH*

Torin:  Beep GO AWAY…  PLEASE…

Clive:  (Sweatdrops) Um… yes, and that is all for now.

(The screen goes black for a few seconds then comes back on at Gunners Heaven.)

Virginia:  (Standing in front of Dwallin) Welcome back to 'Interviews With Memory Figures'.  Today, we're talking to Dwallin, from Gunners Heaven.  My first question is… hold on… (Consults script) …hurk!

(Virginia drops the script and runs off.  Clive goes and picks it up and reads it.)

Clive:  (Turns green) Oh, my…  Umm…  Gallows, your turn!

(Clive throws the script to Gallows.)

Gallows:  Okay!  (Without thinking, he reads the question to Dwallin.) So, you anatomically correct?

Dwallin:  Beep YES…  AND IT'S FULLY FUNCTIONAL…

Clive:  ARGH!!!  (Tries to crush his head with the Mighty Gloves)

Jet's Voice:  (As the camera is falling) Agghh!  More than I needed to know!

(The camera hits the floor.  The picture jumps a bit and then straightens out, filming the ceiling.)

Jet's Voice:  Clive, give me those!

(There's the sound of a scuffle and then a sound like an oversized pop can being crushed.  Jet then appears over the camera wearing Clive's Mighty Gloves and picks up the camera.  Before it goes to static, there is a quick shot of Dwallin, who is now scrunched like a beer can hit by a bus.  When the camera is turned back on, it's filming Clive sleeping.  Clive is snoring loudly and drooling.  You can hear Gallows snickering.)

Kaitlyn's Voice:  Shhh… you'll wake daddy up!

Gallows' Voice:  Heh, hee, hee!  I think we have enough footage now.

(The camera is turned off.  When it comes back on, Virginia is standing next to Oin.  You can see Kaitlyn running around in the background.)

Virginia:  Welcome back once again.  We're here on location in Humphrey's Peak, talking to Oin.

Oin:  Beep HELLO, VIRGINIA…

Virginia:  So, Oin, why do all you Memory Figures speak like NORG without the hyphens?

Oin:  Beep WELL, YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS COMPUTER VIRUS GOING AROUND…  THE ARK HASN'T QUITE WORKED IT OUT OF THE SYSTEM YET…

Virginia:  I see.  What's this virus called?

Oin:  Beep UH, THE norg VIRUS, YOU STUPID GIT…

Virginia:  Hey!  There's no need to get nasty.  Anyway, next question.  (Consults script again and blinks.)  …do you bounce?

Oin:  Beep THAT'S AN INTRIGUING QUESTION, AND –

(Oin is interrupted by Clive's angry bellow from off side.)

Clive's Voice:  GALLOWS!!  I WILL CRUSH YOUR BONES INTO DUST!

(Gallows goes running past the screen.  Shortly after, Clive goes sprinting by after him.  Virginia blinks as Kaitlyn walks over to her.)

Kaitlyn:  (Holds her hands behind her back and rocks on her feet, looking up at Virginia.)  Mommy told daddy about the tape me and Uncle Gallows made.

Virginia:  (Sweatdrops) Thank you for clearing that up, Kaitlyn, but we're trying to film a show here.

Kaitlyn:  Okay, luv you!  Buh-bye!  (She skips off.)

(Virginia is about to ask Oin to continue when Gallows runs past and trips on the Memory Figure.  He barrels into Jet, and the camera crashes to the ground.  The image goes to static.  When it returns, it's showing the group minus Jet in Laxisland.)

Virginia:  Jet, what are you doing?  We aren't ready to film yet!

Jet's Voice:  Prepare, then!  I'm gonna go talk to Roswell.

(There's a crunching sound as the shot moves over to a young man with grey-blue hair.)

Jet's Voice:  Heya, Roswell.  What do your associates from the sea of stars say today?

Roswell:  Ventura!  Ventura!  There's talk of a Memory Figure conspiracy!  They say they are spies for the Pink Mexican!

Jet's Voice:  Sure.  So, nothing new on the Creeping Chaos front then?

Roswell: (Shakes his head) No, just the Pink Mexican.

Jet's Voice:  Okay, thanks.

(The shot travels back to the others.  Virginia is ready, standing in front of Berlin.)

Jet's Voice:  All ready, then?

Virginia:  Yes.

Jet's Voice:  Then let's go.

Virginia:  Back again for another edition of 'Interviews With Memory Figures.'  We're here in Laxisland with Berlin.  So, Berlin, we know you Memory Figures are great with people, but what's your take on animals?

Berlin:  Beep CATS ARE OKAY, BUT DOGS AND BIRDS…!  WELL, BIRDS HAVE STOPPED BEING AS MUCH OF A PROBLEM SINCE THE ARK PROGRAMMED US TO WOBBLE OCCASIONALLY, BUT DOGS…!  DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RUST REMOVER COSTS…!?

Virginia:  No, how much?

(Berlin is about to reply when he's interrupted by a yell.)

Voice:  Take cover!

(Everyone dives clear and the camera gets a shot of some feet running by as it falls to the ground.  There is the sound of an explosion and bits of debris start raining past the shot.)

Jet's Voice:  Holy shit!

(The camera is lifted and focuses on the smoking remains of Berlin, the scorched outer wall of the saloon and Roswell.  Roswell is carrying a bazooka.)

Roswell:  Ventura!  Ventura!  My associates in the sea of stars say we need to eliminate the menace before it's too late!

(Clive runs by with his hair on fire, screaming.  The shot goes black.  When the picture returns, it's dark and Virginia has her face up close to the lens.  She's trying not to laugh.)

Virginia:  Hee, hee… always wanted to do this…

(Virginia straightens herself out and holds the camera under her chin, trying (and failing) to look scared and upset.)

Virginia:  (Sniffling)  I'm … so sorry, Aunt Shalte … I hauled my friends into the wasteland and got them involved in something as lofty as justice and … I'm so sorry!  (Breaks down into fake tears.)

Gallows' Voice:  Virginia!?  Where've ya got to?  You coming back to camp?!

(Virginia giggles and stands.  She flips the camera sideways and turns it off.  When the camera comes back on, the picture is black.)

Clive's Voice:  Jet!  Take the lens cap off!

(The lens cap comes off to show Virginia standing in front of Kealey in Boot Hill.)

Virginia:  Hello, Kealey.  So, how do you like my hometown, Boot Hill?

Kealey:  Beep BOOT HILL IS A NICE ENOUGH TOWN… AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THAT MUTT AWAY FROM ME…

Virginia:  Who, Killer?  Oh, he's harmless!

Kealey:  Beep YEAH, RIGHT…

Virginia:  Okay, first question.  Is Astroboy like your god?

Kealey:  Beep YES…  EVERY DAY WE PRAY TO THE CREATOR, AND EVERY SUNDAY ALL MEMORY FIGURES GO TO THE CHURCH OF ASTROBOY… WE LIVE BY THE WORD, AND THE WORD IS…  WAIT…  I'M AFRAID I CANNOT SHARE THAT WITH YOU…  IT GOES AGAINST THE TEACHINGS…

Virginia:  How…  Yes, moving on.  (Checks script)  …do you often receive savage beatings from people who dislike small, freaky Mexican robots?

Kealey:  Beep YES, ALL THE TIME… IN FACT, HERE COMES THE LYNCH MOB NOW…

(The camera pans to show Tesla, Shalte, Armengard, Neil, etc. coming down the path with clubs, bats and torches.)

Virginia:  OKAY, THAT'S IT!  I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

(Virginia walks over, wrenches the camera from Jet, and the picture cuts to a test pattern.)

The End.