I find, not for the first time, that my feelings for Omi have reached a new depth.
I was now officially jealous of Yako.
Yako, you see, is the name of our newly-accepted Golden Retriever. If the name bears too much resemblance to "Yucko", it's
purely coincidental. Omi had named him after the four of us (see our initials), which had touched me more deeply than
it probably should have.
Anyway, not surprisingly, I found a way to blame Yohji for this. He was the one who relentlessly teased Omi and his
puppy phobia. He couldn't seem to run out of kitten-related quips for Omi, much to the latter's chagrin. For a reason
I'm afraid I can relate to, Omi's female fan clubs were endeared by this, worsening the boy's embarrassment as well as
fueling Yohji's playfulness.
In all honesty, I normally would've followed Yohji's lead. Omi, with all his blushing and lack of actual sense of revenge,
was the most perfect victim you could ask for. In a way, I could understand and maybe even excuse Yohji's need to tease him.
After all, Yohji wasn't addictively, resiliently, devotedly, inescapably in love with the boy.
Oh, hey, there goes my point.
My point is, Omi had probably gotten frustrated with all the fun being poked at him and decided to let Yako grow on him.
And grow on him that wretched little attention-thief did.
It's all Yohji's fault.
Okay, and just this once, it can be Omi's fault, too. That's right, he's to blame for choosing that little mongrel over
me! After all, I consider myself more than a freaking good substitute for the puppy. In fact, I've been told countless
times that I resemble one. Hmm... Probably shouldn't be bragging about that.
I mean, I have that faithful companion look about me, right? I have more than one girl to vouch for that. Plus my
eyes are brown, and I can widen them if need be. And I'd have no objections to following him around all day. Hopefully
with my tongue not hanging out my mouth or without having to wag my tail, as those tend to be degrading, especially since
I don't really have a tail.
In conclusion, I am quite puppy-esque, thank you very much. I happen to think I'm the least "kittenish" of us four,
my bugnuks aside.
Actually, I'm just now contemplating on those thoughts, and even to me they don't sound like the most convincing of
persuasions.
If only I didn't feel this way, or experience these things. Everyday without him was dusk, a swallowing grayness. Everyday
with him was spring, was fresh, was pure, was not gray at all. But when you need him terribly enough, everyday, you're
unavoidably with him and without him. It's an awful paradox, seeing everything and nothing in the twin sapphires that
claim your breath for awhile, so you can fully concentrate on cursing gods for even letting such unattainable beauty exist.
Good-bye once more, ever evanescent point.
"Hey guys," Omi called, dulcet voice heralding his presence. "Where's Yako?"
That. Damn. Dog. Again.
"'S locked up in your room. Must be asleep as he's stopped rapping at the door," Yohji replied tiredly. He seemed to be
worn out from sitting on the counter and wearing me and Aya out with as many questions as he could think of, as he had been
doing this the whole day.
"What?! I keep telling you guys to let him out, it's not good for him to be locked up like that!" Omi scolded us, like all
three of us weren't older than him.
"Ah, don't worry your pretty little head about it," Yohji snorted. He took off his sunglasses, which is usually interpreted
as a forerunner for a long, knowledgeable speech meant to enlighten us. "Besides, if we let that walking sugar rush out into
the streets, who knows what might happen? He's worse than a time bomb, much more annoying, plus he can deliver himself
to whichever victim he so pleases."
Yako, from inside Omi's room, could be heard protesting.
Upon hearing his pet's need for attention, Omi freed himself from any obligation of listening to Yohji's in-depth
prophecies. "oh, Omi, did you--" I began, not giving him up without a fight.
"Um, ah, hold on a sec," he said as he practically ran to his room without so much as looking back.
Keeping my grumbling to myself, I noted with much dissatisfaction how many points Yako was leading Ken in my mental
win/lose scoresheet. That's right, I couldn't even compete with a non-sentient being.
"Ken, what were you saying?" Omi said, now with Yako in his arms.
"Oh, I was just wondering if you took that Physics test you were giving yourself an ulcer over," I say aloud, inwardly
making a triumphant note that Omi was putting Yako down. Aya looked ready to object to unleashing the hellspawn, but
remained steadfast to his silence. Meanwhile, I discreetly opened the door slightly when the other three weren't looking,
during a brief flash of extreme intelligence.
Omi's eyes, once reminded of academics, took to doubling their size. "That reminds me! I better master the topics
by today. Thanks, Ken!" He dashed back to his room without another moment to spare.
"Hey, take the dog with y--" Blink, blink. Count on Yohji, always, for his perception. "Where'd it go?"
Now, at this point, it was almost mechanic the way I went after the dog. I didn't bother telling Yohji that no, I wasn't
too crazy about the dog, and it had nothing to do with me, anyway. I was sort of responsible, given the way I had left him
with its opportune open door, but I would've gone after him anyway, whatever the case may have been. Something greater than
myself took hold of me.
I ran after Yako, a certain set of teary eyes reinforcing itself as an inspirational mental image. I found my rival
for Omi's affections running towards me when it saw me, for some strange reason. I grabbed him by his collar and for
a split second, his brown eyes were soulful and understanding.
"This is hard enough without you in the picture, you know," I informed him.
Nevertheless, I scooped the little troublemaker up. At one point during my return to the ship, I thought simply,
I can do anything for him, so I do. You should probably know that I wasn't thinking about Yako.
Omi's door was slightly open and Yako wedged himself between the small entrance once his paws touched the ground. I heard
Omi welcoming him in, with a voice that didn't carry the lightness that it had always relentlessly owned. Through the
opening, I could see him stretched out in bed, and I couldn't help but feel invited to stare at him. From then onwards,
my brain dwelled on the phrase 'Damn, Omi's sexy' and several other variations on the same theme.
"What? Don't look at me like that." For one fear-inspiring second, I was afraid that Omi was actually speaking to me.
After further investigation, I found out that Yako was the meant recipient of his request. "I know, I'm supposed to be
studying, but nothing could be further from my mind..."
Curious, I waited near the doorway for the continuation of his soliloquy. I should've felt guilty, but after months of
fanatically trying to collect as much information as I could about Omi, I can safely say that my conscience
has been desensitized in regards to that.
"I know you must be tired of hearing this, but I don't want to be a burden and talk to the others about it." A burden?
"It's not that I don't trust them enough, I certainly do. But it might just hurt them if they know I go through it, too.
They come to me sometimes, and they let me know of their profound guilt, even when they're pretending to hide it. And there's
so much pain, I can feel it almost compressing me, when they're ripping themselves into shreds. That's when I have to knit
them back together, which is never a very easy task." I heard a soft, half-hearted chuckle. "It's always been that way. I
let them think it doesn't bother me so much, otherwise they'd have a hard time dealing with it, too. I don't want them to
fall apart, when something so weak is holding them together."
I was caught between my obligation to protect him, and the truth of not belonging here in the first place. But at
least I understood why Omi was investing so much time in Yako. He thinks we wouldn't want to hear about his pain...
"They have enough problems of their own, they don't need my to deal with my tragedy, huh, Yako?" It seemed his one-way
conversation with the puppy was therapeutical. "Let's not complicate their emotions with mine. I shouldn't even impose
all this drama on myself... But sometimes... I'm sorry, Yako, I have to talk about this again. It's rising up in my
chest, like it sometimes does. This worry, that I'm slowly losing my conscience. What if I stop feeling guilty for killing
people? That wouldn't make me strong, that would simply make me less human. Could it happen, could I get so accustomed to
taking human lives?"
I stood there and burned, being quickly and slowly consumed by my need for him and my need to protect him and my
inability to.
"Omi."
He looked up, his desolation streaming down his face. "K-Ken!"
"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to listen." Liar. There was a chair preventing me from barging into his room and
embracing him tightly until we both burst. That, and my fear of his reaction, something much stronger than furniture.
"I'm sorry. But I just wanted you to know... You don't need to tell Yako what you're feeling. You can tell me anything," I
said, nearly whispering. "And, I'd listen. I won't judge you. I'm not pressuring you to confide in me or something, to
tell me what you don't want to. But, just so you know, I... I'm here for you. If you want me to be." I smiled, despite
the cursed gracelessness that always found itself between my words.
It seemed to have turned out okay, as Omi got up and moved the offending chair away. Before I could step into his room or
walk away or do anything, he wrapped his arms around my neck. I put my hands on his back, returning a hug that
had been as awkward as my words, considering the usually easy physical contact we shared. It's just that, this time, there
was something so compelling behind it, this not unexceptional feeling. "Thank you." It was him who said that, for the record.
I had said the right things. Well, possibly not quite the right words, but seeing as we ended up like this, I knew I must've
said it the right way.
When he released me, and as I basked in a glorious afterglow, I saw something in his eyes that I couldn't very well
recognize, yet something that wasn't too unfamiliar. It made me think that something had just happened, something as
significant as it was enigmatic.
[[ I know, I know, it seems like directionless angst. My goal was to subtly get them to see the companionship they have and are still creating. The problem is, I'm a little too good at subtlety. ^_^ But you're all probably tired of hearing of my insecurity, so for now, let's just end this with a truly heartfelt THANK YOU for everyone's encouragement. I swear, I never thought I could ever love people I've never even met before. ^_^ ]]
