7: Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I gotta get out and cry...




The lesson for that day was well past beginning, and I had to admit I was more than slightly disappointed that Keichi didn't come. I was pretty attached to him by now and what I had dubbed as my paternal instincts always flared up in his favor. I did have a little dream featuring him. For the more perverted of the audience: no, not that kind of dream. My subconscious spun a fantasy wherein Omi was my wife, and Keichi was our son, the three of us forming a veritable family life. Don't worry, I didn't angst over this dream, as it was far too comedic. Omi in a lacey pink apron, a bit different from the ones at the Koneko, will always be something to remember.


Another favorite of mine was when Omi and Keichi would beg me to bring them to the beach. I didn't need much imagination with respect to Omi using his looks to get his way, this is very much a present day application. I know I never stop mentioning this, the never-ending war between my laughable will power and his infallible weapons -- the eyes. How he widens them a bit more, flutters his eyelashes a bit faster... He's at his most evil when he looks most angelic. You'll know he's resorting to underhanded tricks once you start imagining a halo encircling his head and anticipating large white wings to sprout from his back. So take my word for it, don't ever hope to recognize the word 'no' once he's through with you. Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.


The last daydream that made it to my Top 3 was of Keichi tugging my arm, asking me what I think "mommy" would be cooking us when we got home. It was addicting to envision, which is why I decided never to be too serious about it.


That's why, at first, I wasn't completely cognizant of how real Keichi and a more than familiar blond head were, when they were coming into view. What wasn't too familiar was the hardened blue of eyes that were usually brimming with sunshine. So, that was corny. Oh, but I've imagined this before, kind of. Omi was marching towards me, angry that I had forgotten our anniversary. I would make a weak excuse of having no one to leave Keichi with. Then Omi would take Keichi, disappear for awhile, then return to tell me that Keichi was now in the care of two certain capable Koneko employees. Then he would force (quote unquote) me into taking him out to dinner, naturally followed by...


Okay, stop. This Omi, in front of you, is real.


"O--"


"You knew where Yako was, didn't you?"


And this Omi, in front of you, is angry.


Nothing could prepare me for the foreign coldness in his voice.


"Did you think I didn't need to be told?" Omi's hands curled into tight, defiant fists. "Yeah, well, it's just a dumb dog, right? It's not like it would've killed me to lose a pet. So, apparently, you didn't even find it fit to tell me, Ken." The way he said my name... I wish he just took one of his darts and plunged it into my chest, at least that would've hurt less...


"Omi." I had to stop him from saying anything else. It was bound to destroy me. "Please, not in front of them." I gestured to my students. "I don't..."


"You don't want them to see your pathetic friend, getting worked up over nothing? Huh, Ken?"


"I don't..." I don't want them to see me cry. "I don't think they should hear this."


He snorted in disgust, and I almost flinched, unaccustomed to being in the receiving half of this. From him. "Your precious secrets. It shouldn't matter that I had called you my best friend yesterday. Everything we said, those shouldn't matter." His eyes began to look conflicted, battling with anger and, now, something like rejection. As if telling me that summer days will forever be gone. And I deserve (if anything) the least gentle of winters. "I trust you... I did." Don't take it back. "I trusted you with my feelings, my thoughts, and I told you everything. I trust you with my life. And then... I wasn't even worth telling...? Didn't you have enough confidence in me to be able to handle that?"


"I just--"


"You allowed me to think that you also thought of me as your best friend, when you didn't even want me to know a stupid thing like giving Yako away! Don't I even mean enough to you to tell me the truth?" He took my arm and yanked it roughly, making sure I met his eyes. Making sure to fracture my soul with their hatred. "Sure I would've been sad for awhile, maybe a bit angry, but I'd've known -- I'd've thought -- that true friends would be there for each other no matter what. If you cared about me like you said you did, you would've been there with me, instead of placating me with lies."


"I didn't lie!"


"You lied to me, countless times! You made me believe I really found something pure and real." He turned away from me before finishing his sentence, running away and taking my whole being with him.


I couldn't answer any of the children's questions, only allowed them to gather around me and fail miserably at trying to comfort me. I excused myself from them, half-willing myself to know what was coming out of my mouth. They respectfully stayed away from me, but I still would not release my tears. I had been too exhausted to cry, exhausted from keeping myself from disintegrating. Time blended ungracefully with the multi-stabbing in the regions of my brain and most especially in my heart.


I looked up to the sky, at first, just barely recognizing the sun. Until the reds and oranges crashed into each other, paintbrush strokes of iridescence. I was struck so suddenly and so strongly by its beauty...


Why am I affected by a sunset? As if I didn't see one everyday without fail. ...Is it because I'm sad right now? Is this how the world looks like through hurt eyes?


I felt a small hand graze my thigh, and heard a voiceless apology.


"What do you mean?"


"It's my fault," Keichi mumbled. "All of it."


The near-sob brought me out of wallowing, forcing me to sound more gentle rather than completely void of emotion. "No, no, don't think it's your fault..."


"But it is." Fixated on his shoe, it almost seemed as if he were afraid to look at me. "I was in the pet shop with my mom, because we needed to buy dog food. I was so surprised when I saw Yako there. I had to ask my mom to let me see Omi after school.


"Then Omi and I went to the pet shop together, and I showed him Yako. Omi was telling Ms. Ayuna, the saleslady, that there had been a mistake. But she said that Yako already belonged to someone and she began describing you. Then Omi... looked so sad all of a sudden. I asked him what was wrong then he said you lied to him, and he got angry."


"I didn't lie to him," I said brokenly. "You believe me, right? I didn't lie to him!"


Keichi looked at me, a little frightened by the way I must've resembled a madman pleading a case in front of the court. "You didn't lie to him about Yako?" he asked meekly.


"I... I was going to bring Yako back to him." ...But he might've stopped clinging onto me, like he did that night. I couldn't explain it to Keichi, not unless I wanted him running to his mother crying about an "Emergency! My soccer coach wants to fondle his best friend!" Best friend... "I might've lied about that," I admitted. "But not about him being my best friend. He is, and I do care about him."


"Then you should tell him that. Right?"


"I can't go after him now, he's angry with me."


"The more you should go! You just said he's your best friend, and he said that best friends are there for each other no matter what. So you need to talk to him, even if it looks like he doesn't want to talk to you." He poked my leg, noticing the ineffectiveness of his pep talk. "There was one time, I was very grumpy. My best friend didn't want to talk to me because he thought it would just upset me some more. But then my dog, he went to me because he knew I needed company. He wasn't afraid whether or not I'd get mad at him, he just knew that he had to try."


I smiled at him, truly amazed by his premature wisdom. I had barely thanked him enough before running after Omi in my belated courage.


"Omi!"


He turned, pinning me with bright blue piercing eyes.


"Omi, I--"


"No. Please. I'm sorry, I'm just so confused right now. I don't even know why this matters so much."


Before this incident, I never I imagined I was capable of introducing so much tension between us. Lessons are learned, though, and prices are paid. I was paying little by little in generous amounts, fragments of me. My debt increased with the lengths of his sighs. "Because I was partly responsible for taking something that obviously meant so much to you. If I were in you"--damn Freudian slips to hell!--"I mean, in your shoes, I probably would've gotten a great deal pissed, too." Taking my notably shorter fuse into consideration.


He shrunk away from me, apparently oblivious to how I was destined to shatter if he kept this up. "But it's more than a feeling of betrayal -- you know how that feels, don't you? But it's not just that, it's something deeper," he continued in a devastating voice. I was doomed.


"God, I-- Look, I'm sorry we can't all be you. We can't just immediately know what to do or what to say in any given situation."


"I wasn't even asking for that," he retorted defensively, just when his eyes were softening.


"Well, you might as well have." Someone, please, deliver me from my stupidity. "You flew off the handle because I screwed up, not even letting me explain. I'm sorry for not telling you, I really am, but I can't help you when you're reading all sorts of things into it. Like, saying I don't care for you enough. How could you say that just because I made a mistake?" What am I doing? I had transfigured all my emotions into the uselessness that was my temper. Psychologically speaking, we may simply call this a defense mechanism.


"You don't know what I'm feeling."


"Tell me, then. Keep up with your words. You said you tell me everything, prove it."


Omi's eyes flashed, as if taking offense to my challenge. "You... I can't believe you. I do tell you everything, and I'd tell you about this if I only knew how. But I can't put into words how you made me feel. It's like you never meant to say you... l-loved me, maybe you only had to humor me, because it's your duty to--"


I don't think I thought it out very well when I grabbed his arms with not much tenderness, and just as unreluctantly kissed him on his lips.




[[ Have yourselves a merry little Christmas. ^_^ I'll be right back. ]]