I know I'd rather live a lifetime of doing absolutely nothing with Omi, and Omi alone, than live the most luxurious
or the most interesting life with anyone else. Which is why I was extremely focused watching my young and unconscious
friend.
Actually, I wasn't alone. Aya and Yohji were actually present, with a combined solemn silence that was enough to disconcert
you -- at least on Yohji's part. I hadn't intended to write their existence off the plane of the universe, but there were
absolutely no more thoughts that my mind could've possibly accommodated. No space for spare for whatsoever concept that
did not involve self-pity, guilt, or Omi. In ascending order of priority.
When I let him go, his face was contorted in shock, undoubtedly a mirror of my own. I couldn't say I didn't entirely know what possessed me to follow through such an impulsive action -- I could name quite a few reasons. But ostensibly, I was just as surprised as Omi when my self-control just gave. And I was sent spiraling into the deepest trenches of hell when I watched the look of shock on Omi's face graduate into fear.
I had terrified him.
I was paralyzed -- my mind paused at the image of his widened eyes and quivering lip, swollen still from the force of my
uninvited kiss. I was unable to move, least of all unable to run after him for a second time that day...
Aya was leaning on the far corner of the room, knowing he was supposed to do something, as well as knowing his limited capabilities of comfort. Yohji, drifting somewhere behind me, seemed just as uncomfortable in his skin, trying to avoid his instinct to poke his nose into other people's affairs, especially mine and/or Omi's.
The three of us were in the most mercilessly plain white room to have ever existed. I will later propose that all hospitals
should have wallpapers of unicorns or singing fruits or dolphins. Anything.
I was stuck in the amalgamation of minutes and hours, the monochrome swirls of undying, unblinking seconds. Yohji found me in this soulless daze, but I wasn't paying attention to him until I heard a word resembling a certain name.
"What?!"
"Omi. We found him unconscious and Aya's bringing him to the hospital right now..."
Running to the hospital was kind of like teetering over the edge of a cliff, with someone always shoving you closer to the
insurmountable darkness. The reward of arrival was getting to see Omi, looking like a human open wound. He was a shameless
display of dark red blood that sickened my stomach.
The harsh crimson burned my eyes, and in no time I was convulsing in tears. I could feel bodies surrounding me, telling me
he was going to be okay, that I was becoming hysterical, that I should calm the fuck down, that he was a strong person,
that I should keep my sanity for him. The voices were way too loud and demanding, and there were too many of them. The
darkness seemed so much more soothing, and I welcomed the divine deliverance...
"You really kissed him?" Yohji asked casually, as if he had not disrupted the exquisite silence that I had been punishing myself so gratuitously in. By asking me to verify (yet again) my most unlawful act to date, no less. Good old Yohji.
"You know, I don't feel enough like shit, so please make things worse for me."
"I'm sorry. ...So you really kissed him?"
"And it's not like you haven't been teasing me to him for the past few months, huh?" But I realized his plan now. He wanted
to provoke me, as a way to release whatever I was feeling. I recognized this sacrifice, and inasmuch as I wanted to take it
all out on him, I had no energy left to take advantage of this opportunity. Every muscle I owned refused Yohji's martyrdom.
"But, Ken, isn't he like your brother? Your little brother?"
I had to admit, nevertheless, he was good at this. "...Thank you, Yohji, for attempting to add new levels to my
perversion."
Encouraged, he brought his face inches away from mine. "Hey, I didn't--"
I pushed him away with the little strength I managed to muster up. "I know what you're trying to do, you bastard. Stop it."
I may not be considered intelligent, but this was the umpteenth time Yohji tried to pull this on me. And the first (and
very possibly last) time he would fail.
Despite the physical aggression, he was convinced that he would have to find a better way to relieve my stress. And
eventually, he'd have to learn his lesson that there was really nothing he could do about it.
When I woke up after fainting, Yohji and Aya had been talking to a couple of nurses. They were relatively attractive, making me wonder why Yohji was making no attempt to flirt with them at all.
I molested my forehead and stabbed at my temples with my fingertips, trying to numb my thoughts. The result wasn't nearly
as successful as I had planned for it to be. I joined Aya and Yohji, who seemed a little less excited to see me revived,
preoccupied with their thoughts. They looked disturbed, to say the least. "What's going on?" I demanded, still a bit confused
and a great deal dizzy.
"Omi... He..." Yohji looked like he was trying to remember something, meaningless words that constituted a sentence. "They
think..."
"They told us what happened to Omi," Aya cut him short with a terse sentence. I had no doubt that if he said any more, his
calculatedly blank facade would've crumbled in front of our very eyes. Which, finally, began to scare me.
"What happened to him?!" I knew I wouldn't have wanted to hear the answer so bad when I actually received it. I would be
so much better off ignorant. I probably knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I didn't deserve that kind of complacent
benightedness...
I could still feel the chill that ran across my spine and throughout the entire length of my body when they told me about the doctor's findings.
I stared blankly at Aya, waiting for him to retract his cruel lie.
He never did.
I was sent into another fit. My head pounded on all sides, and I was pulling my hair and clutching my skull because I was
in so much need to equalize the pain. Aya had turned away, one personality away from hugging me.
I was periodically going into coughing and choking fits in an urgency to breathe. I felt so ill, so delusional, as if I
were drunk. I wanted to give up so badly. I wanted to just close my eyes and wake up in a new world, as a new person. I
wanted to break free from everyone, run away and not stop running until I was promised that I would never have to meet
anyone that I would feel this way for again. I felt my soul abandon me, leaving in its place the skeleton of a small,
frightened boy.
I wasn't aware that Yohji was leading me somewhere, let alone of that place's location. But with the most accurate of timing,
he shoved me into the bathroom and made me face the toilet bowl where I almost dunked my head in. The force in my stomach
and throat made me lurch forward and heave what felt like my insides. I threw up constantly for twenty minutes, in the
midst of Yohji's most desperate ministrations.
He pulled me up once I was done, and left me alone for awhile to clean up. With all the trembling and hiccuping, I wondered
why I hadn't passed out again. We returned to Aya, standing at Omi's bedside, and for a second I had more than myself to
think about. Through the very visible tears in his eyes, Aya was looking at the only person aside from his sister who had
drawn from him the sole tenderness he ever felt...
The world could continue to collapse in a single sunrise, and I doubted I would've cared much. It would've only been appropriate, actually. End it all in one fell swoop.
I ran out of weary sighs and I've rubbed my eyes so much that I've probably obliterated my tear ducts. I felt hideous. Hell,
I probably was. Condemned into never forgetting that look on Omi's face.
I was so tired... I was beginning to think it was permanent...
You know that feeling? After crying so long and hard, longer and harder than you ever have, you feel like there's nothing
left in the world to do. You're nothing but a hollow lump of skin, and you think, "everything is over." You're in a dead
calm that is yours alone, and nothing's ever going to happen again. Everything moves in a heavy blur, and everything is over.
Several hours or a few seconds later (I couldn't tell the difference), Yohji sighed, diagnosing me as inconsolable. Nevertheless, he pursed the story I told both him and Aya with no munificent amount of caution. I thought better of explaining to him the concept of sensitivity, in a not-so-sensitive way. "You didn't go after him when he ran?"
"It's all my fault," I said in a damaged whisper, by way of reply.
"Oh, for the last time! We don't know why it happened!"
"You were a detective, do the math!" I snarled. My voice fading in time with my spirit, I mumbled, "How could I do this?
He... saved my life so many times, and this is how I repay him?" Yohji looked away, now neither he nor Aya could stand to
watch me. "I owe my life to him, and not only as Siberian. He's the only thing that keeps my head together."
I stopped when I noticed tears welling up in Yohji's eyes.
"We want to protect him, simply because he protects us all from something much worse. From ourselves." After that, it seemed
as if Yohji was speaking to himself. "From those quiet times I could hear the cries of the people who died in my hands. It's
not supposed to make me feel guilty. But regardless of who the person was, I always felt I was further damning my soul to
hell. The danger I can bring is sometimes like adrenaline rush, like a driving motivation. But those normal times, with
normal people, it's the very thing that destroys me, truly making me feel the torture I bring.
"And it's only Omi who could pull me through it. When I finally let him, he was the only one who knew how to..."
I clenched my jaw, not wanting to cry again. "And I helped take that away from us."
"You didn't," Aya snapped suddenly. Confirming that he, too, shared that blessing in finding salvation in Omi. "Blame
yourself outside, if you insist on pitying yourself." I was stunned by the way this scathed me, and moreso shocked by
his next remark. "But the fact is, you should be the one Omi sees when he wakes up."
"Don't say you caused his death, because only Omi completely knows the truth," Yohji said, before letting my mouth so much as
open. "As much as I want to be the one most qualified to talk to him, I know I'm not. And if you must know, yes, I'm jealous.
You're most entitled to comfort him when he regains consciousness. Not Aya, not me. So at least do something about it."
"Considering the circumstances, I doubt that's very applicable right now."
"Then don't consider the circumstances," Aya said, almost... softly... "Just who he is, and what he's done for you..."
I argued with Aya and Yohji that Omi might not exactly want to see me. But both of them apparently conspired against me, insisting it would've been the last of Omi's worries upon awakening.
My imagination took to activating itself, conjuring up a scene wherein Omi would wake up with another case of amnesia. On
one hand, he would've forgotten his life with Weiss, and we can send him off to the normal life he deserved.
It would be a blessing in disguise. Quite a disguise, too.
Because consequently he'd forget me. The thought didn't settle well with me. Not necessarily the interactions we've had
recently, but everything we shared. If he'd lose all the memories of our bond, of what we meant to each other, of everything
we've been through... it would be like losing everything I ever had. Nothing at all would have been worthwhile.
In giving him a new life, I'd have to forfeit my own. But even this, I was ready to do. I guess I was willing to do anything
that could, in even the smallest fraction, make me hate myself less.
I shuddered, my shoulders tensing in anticipation for Aya's answer. "What happened to him?!! Just tell me, dammit!"
Aya stared blankly elsewhere, anywhere away from my wide, panicked eyes. "There was enough... evidence to indicate... that
Omi attempted to take his own life."
[[ My poor, tortured narrator... Well, obviously I can't really tell you right now why that happened, but please just trust me that it's not too stupid. ...I hope. And if you got more confused than what was necessary, I'm sorry. The italicized paragraphs are flashbacks, and are mostly in chronological order, except for the last one. I had to move it there for dramatic purposes. Anyway, I have confidence in your ability to comprehend even the most disoriented fanfiction formats. ^_^ ]]
