DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING!!!! It all belongs to Sirs Mel Brooks and Lady Rowling....It's a horrible "Spaceballs" rip off. (:

Snape's Lil' Drama

It was a lovely sunny and lush day in July at Hogwarts. Winky the House Elf tripped along the corridors in a manner that is just about as joyful as a House Elf can get. She liked Hogwarts in July, when all the pupils had evacuated and only the teachers remained. She liked to watch them "let their hair down." Yesterday, she observed Master Flitwick sit outside on a tiny lawn chair in a pair of pastel Bermuda shorts and canary-yellow-rimmed sunglasses, sunning himself with a sheet of foil; this morning, she watched Mistress Trelwalny storm around the halls in a pink nightgown and painted tennis shoes, pestering Filch (who was wearing a "Hug Your Cat Today" shirt over a pair of overalls) to give her back her Danielle Steel novel; she even observed Master Lupin (who'd returned over the summer) heading for Hogsmeade in a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt that read "I'm Young, Single, and I Loves to Mingle" to purchase a few green Frisbees that had just arrived at Zonko's for his friend, Sirius Black.

Running down the halls as Donna Summer's "Love to Love You, Baby" blasted from Mistress Sprout's open greenhouse, she found herself at the threshold to the Potion's dungeon. Dare she enter? For some unknown reason, a compelling twinge that was altogether foreign to the elf urged her to open the door. How did Master Snape spend his summer?

She thrust her head inside the room and peered around. She saw Master Snape sprawled out in front of a roaring fire place, speaking sinisterly.

"So...you Marauders thought you were so smart. Thought you could save the world yourselves, eh? Well, now you are MINE!"

Winky leapt and fervidly observed the fireplace. Was he conversing with someone through the hearth? No. No head of any person was in the enormous flames. Then, her eyes dilated and adjusted to the darkness and she saw something in Snape's hands.....

A little miniature doll of Harry's mother, Lily. It looked rather dim-witted. He was moving it across the carpet he was stretched out across.

"No, no, no, no, no!" he squealed, altering his voice so that it sounded like a harsh mix between Marilyn Monroe and Minnie Mouse. "I'll never rule the wizarding world with YOU!" He made the little doll pantomime running away.

Snape snatched up another little action figure, this one a distinct facsimile of himself. It looked a little more dashing then the real thing. "Yes you will," the doll coached, Snape altering his voice so that it was his own again. The two dolls met in mid-carpet; the Snape doll was jumping around very animatedly. "Your type is always attracted to power and money. And I have BOTH!"

"Not so fast!" Snape dropped the Lily doll (overtly having a ball with this little psycho drama) and picked up a doll that looked like Harry's dad, James. It looked twice as stupid as the Lily doll; Winky even swore it had a little bit of plastic drool coming out of its slack little lips. Snape had altered his voice so that it sounded like a shrill little boy.

"POTTER!" the Snape doll drawled evilly.

"Hey, hey, hey," Snape squeaked, the James doll skipping about on the carpet, "that's me! James P! Here to save the day like always and to get the girl! Hiya, honey!" James acknowledged the Lily doll.

"Not this time! POW!"

The Snape doll had ripped the James doll's arm off and was beating him with it.

"Ahh! Ahh! My delicate Potter-ness-ality-ability! Ahh!" The James doll writhed and screamed. "Owie! Owie!" It then gurgled and keeled over.

"Nyhahah!" the Snape doll crowed, doing a little dance.

"Hey!" Snape snatched up a Sirius Black doll and it looked like it was ganging up on the Snape doll. Its voice was distinctly that of Goofy the Disney character. It sounded livid but helpless and incredibly dumb. "What'd you do to my buddy????!!!"

"The same thing I'm going to do to you, Dog Boy! Eh!" The Snape doll kicked the Black doll and it fell over as Snape made some incredibly juvenile noises, like the kind a five year-old boy makes when he's simulating a car wreck. "And you too!" He picked up a Lupin doll and did a WWF smackdown move on it. (The Snape doll that is.) Finally, all the Marauders stopped twitching and screaming and were good and dead. The little Snape doll then turned to the Lily doll. "Now, Princess, we are alone!"

"Ewwwww! I hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you!" the Lily doll squeaked.

"No you don't," the Snape doll snapped. "You've loved me since our first year. Kiss me!" He made the two dolls start kissing.

"No!"

"Kiss me!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

Snape giggled as the two dolls kissed.

"Master Snape?" Winky asked.

In a flash, Snape was on his feet, dolls clutched to his chest. He was wearing a pair of light-blue pajamas with grinning frogs and a matching nightcap. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??!!??!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!" he screeched, his eyes flashing in a terrified manner.

"Um....er....Winky is wanting nothing, Master Snape."

Snape looked a hue relieved, but he was still clutching the dolls desperately. "Um...Good." He looked awkward.

Winky poked her head out of the room.

"Er...Winky?"

The elf placed her head inside once more in a timorous fashion. "You is wanting Winky, sir?"

Snape arched an eyebrow. "You didn't see anything...did you?"

"No, sir. Winky is not seeing Sir playing with sir's dolls again, sir."

Snape looked relieved. "Good! Now scram, you little parasite!"

Winky closed the door behind her and raised her own thin eyebrows. In a manner most unlike a House Elf, she sighed, rolled her eyes, and said, "Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, THAT was whacked." She then clamped a hand over her mouth. "Winky is acting like a no-good American house elf! Winky is bad!" Winky then pleasantly went about beating herself up (like all house elves do) and fearing ever looking at Professor Snape again.

*Winky: holly, you is being a BAD fanfiction writer, you is!

*holly: Shut up and go hug a rainbow or something!