Angry Wizard Polka
a parody of "Angry White Boy Polka", by "Weird Al" Yankovic
written by Shay Caron
based on the Harry Potter series, which belongs to J.K. Rowling

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[Scene: a stage suitable for the presentation of a play, with two sets of curtains -- the left Gryffindor-red, the right Slytherin-green -- both drawn shut. Mad-Eye Moody steps out to the center of the stage and faces the audience (i.e., you).]

MOODY: I have been asked to inform the audience that tonight's presentation is a medley of scenes from the recently-released book, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", not necessarily in any intelligible order. If you have not yet read that book, what are you doing reading this, you idiot? You've got to be careful of spoilers! CONSTANT VIGILANCE, I tell you! [pause] Thank you.

[Moody walks off-stage. The lights dim.]

[We begin on the left side, where the curtains open on our hero, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty classroom with hellspawn -- er, I mean, Hogwarts teacher Dolores Umbridge. Harry writes "I will not tell lies" on a sheet of parchment and winces as the words cut themselves into the back of his hand.]

[Last Resort/Papa Roach]
HARRY: Cut my flesh into ribbons
This is my detention
Suffer desanguination
Don't give a --
UMBRIDGE: HEM!
HARRY: -- for her bloody fixation
This is my detention
But I'll never give up, never give in
Tell the truth, I'm not lettin' her win
I don't want fame, I never lied
It was no accident that Ced died
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
'Cause Voldemort's alive now

[The red curtains close. On the right side of the stage, the green curtains open on the Gryffindor fifth-year male dorm, where Harry has just woken up from a nasty dream.]

[Chop Suey!/System Of A Down]
HARRY: Wake up!
RON: Wake up?
HARRY: Suddenly I dreamt an evil snake up
Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up
RON: Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?!
HARRY: Now I really think that he's in danger
MCGONAGALL: [rushes in] Here you go, create another fable
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Suddenly you dreamt an evil snake up?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Now you really think that he's in danger?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
I don't think you trust
In the prophetic dream I had
Ron's dad just doesn't deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
Hey!

[Move to the left stage. Fred and George Weasley, prankster twins extraordinaire, fly on-stage on their broomsticks (a chain and iron peg still hang from George's broom). As they sing, they toss various Wheezes to the audience.]

[Get Free/The Vines]
FRED: We're gonna get free
We're gonna get free
We're gonna get free
TWINS: Ride out of the school
GEORGE: Our sinister scheme
Our sinister scheme
Our sinister scheme
TWINS: Play her for the fool
(Prank here, prank here, prank here)
FRED: Some puking candy for ya
TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
GEORGE: Big swamp around the corner
TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
FRED: Explosions and disaster
TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
GEORGE: [salutes] Our parting gift, Headmaster

[Fred and George soar away and we look to the right side. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are sitting in Ron's room at Grimmauld Place. Harry is facing away from the others, but Ginny stands close to him.]

[Hate To Say I Told You So/The Hives]
GINNY: Do what you want, but you can't turn away from us forever
We can help you to cope with possession or whatever
Hate to snap you out of this (or not)
Got to snap you out of this [she smacks Harry upside the head]
Get over it, get a clue
'Cause I've suffered too

[The lights dim and a spotlight lands on Harry, who faces the audience and sings.]

[Fell in Love With a Girl/The White Stripes]
HARRY: Fell in love with a girl
I thought she liked me too, I was so elated
Cedric's still on her mind
Yeah, sometimes these feelings make me irritated
Cho's left me for that Corner dude
Yeah, well, nothing good seems to come from dating
I'm not looking for someone new
But I've got a funny feeling someone's been waiting, now [Ginny rolls her eyes]

[A sign appears that reads "Intermission". Both sets of curtains close. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin slowly walk on-stage, snapping their fingers to the beat.]

[Last Nite/The Strokes]
SIRIUS: Last night
He said
"Oh, Padfoot, don't you feel so down
'Cause you're stuck in here
Oh, don't feel left out"
So I
LUPIN: (What'd you do?)
SIRIUS: Well, I turned around
LUPIN: (Right around)
SIRIUS: "Oh, Moony, gonna be alright"
LUPIN: (Gonna be alright)
SIRIUS: It was a great big lie
LUPIN: (Big old lie)
SIRIUS: 'Cause I left that night
Yeah

[As Sirius and Lupin retreat, Luna and Neville step out from behind the green curtain. Luna looks vaguely at an issue of the Quibbler; Neville looks confused.]

[Down with the Sickness/Disturbed]
LUNA: Ooh ah ah ah ah! [She somehow manages to make this sound dreamy.]
NEVILLE: "Ooh ah ah ah ah"?
LUNA: Ever hear of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack
Look out for nargle-infested berries
You know Sirius Black was a singer
All this stuff is really fascinating to me
NEVILLE: I don't believe in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks
I really don't think that mistletoe's full of nargles
I might believe that Black is a singer
All that stuff you read sounds kinda silly to me

[The red curtain opens to show the Department of Mysteries, with all the Death Eaters clustered on one end and the Order of the Phoenix at the other end.]

[Renegades of Funk/Rage Against The Machine]
DEATH EATERS: We're the secret evil guys, we're the secret evil guys
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: We're the secret hero guys, we're the secret hero guys

[Both groups freeze as the green curtain opens. Hermione and Ron stand there, Hermione wearing several of her homemade hats, Ron in his Quidditch outfit, broom at his side.]

[My Way/Limp Bizkit]
HERMIONE: This time got a dresser full of clothes
This time before anyone knows
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves
Yeah, free elves
Free elves from enslavement
This time gonna make a thousand hats
How you slave drivers feel about that?
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves
Yeah, free elves
[ding, ding] From enslavement

[Outside/Staind]
RON: But now I'm the Keeper
I'm panicking
I've been so awful
Can't touch the Quaffle
But if I could shape up
We could still win
I'll guard those rings yet
I'll be a King yet

[Return to the scene on the left.]

[Bawitdaba/Kid Rock]
DEATH EATERS: Expelliarmus Crucio Colloportus
Stupefy Protego Avada Kedavra
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: Expelliarmus Crucio Colloportus
Stupefy Protego Avada Kedavra

[Both curtains close and the members of Dumbledore's Army walk onto the stage.]

[Youth of the Nation/P.O.D.]
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We're Dumbledore's bloody Army!
Yeah!

[A sign appears and displays the words "Big Finish" before bursting into fireworks. Everyone steps out from behind both curtains, Harry in the front holding his wand like a microphone.]

[The Real Slim Shady/Eminem]
HARRY: I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters
So won't the real H Potter please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up
'Cause I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters
So won't the real H Potter please, please
Please stand up
H Potter, won't you please stand up?
DEATH EATERS: (Stand up, Potter)
HERMIONE: Stand up
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: (Stand up, Potter)
RON: Stand up
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: (Stand up, Potter)
ALL: Potter, won't you please stand up?
HARRY: Hey!

[The lights cut out.]

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Angry Wizard Polka

7/4/2003 -- Completed