by
C. "Sparky" Read
"Programs! Get your programs!"
As Persephone pushed her way through the crowd, she couldn't get over just how big a deal this whole betrothal thing was turning out to be. The Olympian courtroom looked like some kind of cheap mortal fairground. A sea of gods, goddesses, demigods, and fabulous beasts had turned out for what was being called the greatest trial since Demeter's and Poseidon's divorce. Persephone craned her neck and tried to find her friends in the crowd but couldn't locate any of them. She tried to ignore the curious stares and pointing fingers and moved on.
Finally she reached her 'place of honor' at the front of the courtroom and sat on the platform. Miffed, she realized that the placement of the platform made her look very much like a curio on display in a seedy museum, and she pouted a bit in disapproval.
In the jury box, the twelve Muses chatted energetically amongst themselves, about the horrendous weather, about the tricky commute that morning, but mostly about full-service beauty salons.
Hermes fluttered out of a door and hovered over the crowd for a moment, shaking his head at the souvenir stands and snack vendors. "What has Olympus come to?" he murmured softly to himself, then pulled an enormous horn out from nowhere and blasted it as hard as he could.
The crowd fell silent immediately. When the room finally stopped shaking, Hermes drew himself up to his full height. "Will all those present please stand!" he voiced.
The crowd stood and faced forward.
"Ahem." Hermes put the horn back wherever it had come and zipped to the front of the chamber, stopping to hover beside a huge set of stone doors. "Announcing," he shouted, "His Honor, Ruler of all Olympus...the Big Guy, Zeus!"
The crowd cheered and whistled as Zeus, dressed in judicial robes, emerged through the stone doors. He grinned and waved.
Hades, at the defendant's table, covered his face with his hands.
Dionysus started an enthusiastic ape chant which lasted a good minute while Zeus stepped behind a lofty podium. When the Thunder God had taken his place, the crowd quieted down and took their seats.
Zeus banged his gavel unnecessarily. "Order!" he boomed. There was a shortlived bout of clapping. "This trial," he began, "is to determine the fate of Persephone, daughter of Demeter and Poseidon. Will she marry the God of the Underworld..." --here there was a burst of 'boo's; Hades waved and pretended to appreciate it-- "...Or will she return to the Island of Henna and her mother's protection?" A round of 'Yeah!'s flitted through the crowd.
"Order!" Zeus warned.
"Zinfindel!" yelled Dionysus. The crowd tittered.
Zeus frowned, then picked up a scroll from his podium and examined it. "I will hear the opening statements now," he boomed.
Athena, counselor for the prosecution, stepped forward, while her owl Bubo remained perched on the back of her chair.
"Ladies and gentleman!" she cried, whirling on the crowd. "A great injustice has been done here! Will we not rise up and defend that which is good, and righteous?"
There was an appreciative roar from the audience.
"And will we not," the Goddess of Wisdom continued, "stand as one, against that which is opprobrious, and debase?"
The audience paused mid-cheer, and some went for their dictionaries.
"No!" Athena answered for them. She turned on Zeus. "Your Honor!" she said, throwing her arms wide, "you must find for my client, the gracious, good goddess Demeter, who has never shown anything but noble judgment for the Earth and Mount Olympus. Do not allow that vile man--" here she pointed haughtily at Hades-- "to steal away her pure daughter Persephone! I thank you." Athena took her seat among thunderous applause.
Zeus banged his gavel until the crowd was under control, then he nodded to the counselor for the defense.
"Hey!" Ares announced himself, getting heavily to his feet. He cast a glance in Athena's direction. "Nice speech there, Thena," he grinned.
Athena and Bubo just glared at him.
"Hey!" Ares said again, addressing the crowd. "Don't listen to her! Hades is a swell guy! Hey, so he has a dirty job, so what, eh?"
Hades slumped in his chair.
"Listen Zeus--Your Honorable One, eh?" Ares went on, turning to the magistrate. "Don't judge my client for what he does. Or where he lives or all the stuff he tried to pull back with that Herc thing--Hey that was a party, eh?" The War God started to laugh but caught sight of Zeus' enraged expression so he forced himself to put on a straight face. "Thank you." He sat quickly. "We're a shoe-in!" chortled Ares, elbowing the God of the Dead, who said nothing.
"Well." Zeus looked over his scroll again. "Will the defense call their first witness!"
The three Fates took the stand.
"Persephone is a good girl," Clotho began when Ares questioned the sisters. "She always makes her bed and never talks back to her elders."
"Except for Hades," Lachesis added. "She talks back to him. He's much older than she is, you know."
The jury murmured and took notes.
Atropos sighed. "I remember when Hades was just a little godling--Always full of mischief, like the time he tried to teach Cerberus to dance."
The crowd roared with laughter as the flame on Hades' head turned pink.
Zeus banged his gavel. "Is that all, counselor?" he asked Ares.
"You bet!" said Ares. He resumed his seat.
"You may cross-examine the witness--er, witnesses."
Athena strode slowly towards the stand, her eyes scanning the room. Suddenly she practically pounced on the Fates.
"Isn't it true," she began loudly, "that Hades tried to tear Persephone's clothes off the moment he first got a hold of her?"
The Fates looked confused. "Eh?" they said.
"I'd like to produce this item," said Athena, taking the broken seashell garter from her table and waving it like a banner, "as evidence of the Lord of the Dead's preference for the living, if you know what I mean."
The crowd gasped in revulsion.
"That cheap foreign belt fell off!" shouted Hades, jumping up. "I never tried anything!"
"Why, you swine!" boomed Poseidon, rising and stamping his trident on the floor. "How dare you call my gifts cheap!"
Zeus pounded his gavel repeatedly. "Both of you: sit down!" he roared.
The two protesters reluctantly sat.
Zeus glowered out over the assembly. "I don't want any more interruptions, understand?"
The crowd nodded as one.
"Good. Will that be all, counselor?"
"Yes Your Honor," answered Athena.
Zeus instructed the Fates to step down, and they were replaced by Charon.
"Hey man," Ares greeted the Ferryman jovially. Charon was silent.
"Get to the questions."
"All right, all right," sulked Ares. He clasped his hands behind his back. "So," he began, "can you tell us a little about how Hades treats Persephone?"
Charon stared blankly out at the crowd and fidgeted with his ferry pole.
"Uh...How about, is Persephone happy in the Underworld?"
Charon checked the sundial on his wrist.
Zeus seethed. "The witness is excused!" he roared. Charon obediently vacated the courtroom.
"I'll thank you," Zeus went on, turning to Ares, "to next time call a witness that can speak! Sit down!"
Ares sat.
Zeus pretended to organize his notes. "Will the Counselor for the Prosecution please call the next witness," he stated.
Athena didn't beat around the bush. She called Helios to the stand.
Can we make this quick?" asked Helios, taking his seat. "I've got my son driving the chariot today and I don't think he's bound to do very well."
"What exactly did you see over Henna when Persephone was...escorted into the Underworld?"
"Oh," said Helios. "I saw Persephone and her nymph friend--" here Zeus had the Sun God point out Cyane-- "running around in the flower field."
"Then what happened?"
Helios rubbed the side of his helmet, which he had placed in his lap. "The ground opened up, and Hades' chariot came out of the hole. He threw something at the nymph and she changed into like a stone basin-looking thing--I couldn't see too well. Then he grabbed Persephone and went back into the ground. The hole closed up."
"I see." Athena paced slowly. "Do you think you can say Hades used excessive force?"
"Well...I dunno, he just grabbed her."
"Did she appear to want to go with him?"
"Not really, no."
"Thank you." Athena stepped back to her table. "Your witness."
Ares harrumphed and approached the stand thoughtfully. "Did you say a bit earlier that you couldn't see the scene too well?" he asked.
The Sun God frowned. "When?"
Zeus waved his gavel at a satyr in the corner holding a scroll and quill pen. "Will the court stenographer please repeat the witness' last statement," he boomed.
"'When,'" read the satyr. The crowd snickered.
Zeus raised his arm back to bang the gavel, and the room fell deathly quiet. "Back up a bit, son," Zeus told the satyr finally, lowering the gavel.
"'He threw something at the nymph and she turned into a stone basin-looking thing--I couldn't see too well.'"
"Well?" asked Ares, arching an eyebrow at Helios.
Helios fidgeted. "All right," he said, "so my view from the chariot isn't so good. But he grabbed her!" he reiterated, jabbing a finger at Hades, who remained passively silent.
Ares stole a glance at the jury of Muses, who were thoughtfully writing notes. Encouraged, he turned to Zeus.
"No further questions, Yer Honor," he said and sat down.
Finally, Athena called Hades. Hades stoically took the stand amid several hisses from the crowd.
"I thought I'd go along with it," Hades went on after he'd been grilled about the 'deal' he had made with Poseidon. "I figured, maybe it was about time I settled down and got married and all that domestic-type stuff. Hey, maybe my marriage would even work," he added, and the crowd stole a scrutinizing look at Poseidon, who shrank a bit in his chair.
"You were a bit hasty in your decision," Athena pointed out. "And you never consulted with the girl's mother."
"Call me presumptuous but I had assumed that someone, namely, her father, might, just might think to mention something to Demeter but then, I suppose I should have taken into consideration who I was dealing with..."
The crowd had to murmur in sympathy.
Athena strode up to the witness box. "Perhaps you'd like to explain a certain incident involving a certain unleashed giant three-headed hellbeast..?" she prompted, looking to Demeter, who had managed to drill several witness points out of her ex-husband.
Hades sighed. "The girl was a bit over-eager, so what?" he answered. "She knows her way around better now. It's not like she got hurt or anything."
Ares's cross-examination of Hades left much to be desired. By the time the War God sat down, grinning, the crowd wasn't sure whether to side with Hades, Demeter, or the Spartan Athletic Guild.
Zeus called for the closing statements.
"Your Honor," began Athena, "I would like to point out to the jury at this moment just how dangerous the Underworld is and how unfitting a place it is for the delicate daughter of the Earth."
Persephone stiffened.
"Hades should not be allowed to wed Persephone!" Athena went on. "Such a union would lead to a disintegration of the intricate workings of the Mortal Realm of the Dead!"
Hades narrowed his eyes.
"Find for my client, and the universe shall resume its path of Order. Thank you." Athena sat down.
Ares stepped in front of the jury box. "Hey," he greeted the Muses, who showed no change in expression. "Well--" he began, but was interrupted by Persephone, who came rushing down out of her booth.
"Enough!" she shouted, waving her arms.
Zeus banged his gavel. "Young lady," he warned, "this is a serious trial--"
Persephone whirled on the Thunder God. "You bang that thing again and I'll show you another use for it," she snarled.
Zeus blinked at her.
"Mom!" shouted Persephone, turning to Demeter. "Aren't you ashamed? And Daddy! All of you should be ashamed!" she went on, planting her hands on her hips and glowering at the crowd. "Flocking in here like sheep to a tacky tourist trap!"
"Sephie," said Hades nervously through clenched teeth, "what are you doing?"
"I'm working." Persephone marched up to the Muses. "Well?" she asked. "Do you have an all-mighty decision? Are you ready to barter me off like an ox?"
"Actually girlfriend," Calliope answered her evenly, "we've seen enough." She stood up, and the other Muses followed her lead. "Great Zeus," Calliope said, "we have come to a deliberation."
"Already?"
"Yes."
"Well let's have it, then."
"You've got it." Calliope squared her shoulders. "We have decided that neither party can be considered right or wrong until my girl here--" she gestured towards Persephone, "is allowed to speak her mind. Good day." And with that the twelve Muses filed swiftly out of the courtroom.
The crowd's silence quickly turned into an indignant outburst.
"Now, now, quiet down everyone." Zeus raised his gavel then thought better of it and tucked it away in a pocket of his robes. "Persephone," he said, "will you take the stand please?"
Persephone gathered up her voluminous midnight blue robes (which matched the immortal narcissus in her hair) and took the stand. Athena stood up.
"No, no," said Zeus, holding up a hand. "I'll handle this one."
Athena sat reluctantly.
"Now...why don't you tell us what you would like to see happen here today?"
Persephone chewed her lower lip for a moment, then looked out over the courtroom. She looked at Demeter. The Earth Goddess sat straight in her chair, her hands clasped beneath the table, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. She looked at Hades. He was slumped in his chair, his hands curled into fists on the table. Both were watching her intently.
"I would like.." she said at last, "I would like to bypass all this trial stuff--It's only a crowd-pleaser anyways. Can't we just do what's right?"
There was an embarrassed hush.
"All right," said Zeus finally. "Let us consult the Great Tome. Hermes, the Great Tome!"
"Comin' at ya!" replied Hermes from the back of the courtroom. He zipped out through the main doors.
The crowd burst into near chaos. The Great Tome of the Gods hadn't been consulted for hundreds of years--it hadn't needed to be. Many of the rules in there had been penned by Chronos and Rhea themselves, and were held in high regard.
The room quieted as Hermes returned, bent under the weight of the colossal book. He managed to carry it all the way to Zeus before his sandals' wings gave out. He had to walk back to his seat, a task he undertook with as much dignity as he could muster.
"Let's see now..." Zeus put on his reading glasses and began flipping through the Tome. "What would be the appropriate solution...Who organized this thing?" He flipped some more. "Wait--here's something: 'Whomever consumeth of any element within the boundaries of the Realm of the Mortal Departed must forever thereafter remain as a denizen of the aforementioned Domain.'"
Someone in the crowd coughed.
Zeus ripped off his glasses. "It means if Persephone ever ate anything while she was in the Underworld she has to stay there forever!" he shouted.
A wave of "Oh!"'s rippled through the crowd.
Demeter brightened because Cyane had told her that Persephone hadn't eaten anything for the entire seven months.
Hades slumped further because he also thought she hadn't.
And Persephone began to fidget because she knew she had but noone else did--except Pain, who wasn't there.
Zeus looked expectantly at Persephone. "Well?" he prompted.
Before Persephone could answer there was a shout from the back of the room:
"She ate! She ate, I saw her!"
Everyone in the court turned around to stare at Ascalaphus, who was standing on his chair and waving his arms like he was directing a ship to dock. "She ate six pomegranate seeds! I saw everything!" He beamed proudly at the attention he was getting.
Demeter turned back around. "Persephone?" she said. "Is--is this true?"
Hades sighed. "So it all comes out now, doesn't it?" he asked. "You just don't like my cooking."
Persephone exhaled and touched her forehead. "All right," she said. "I did it. I did--I had some seeds. Only six."
Zeus banged his fist on the podium, because he had put the gavel away. "Then it is decreed," he began, "That Persephone, daughter of Demeter, shall remain in the Underworld with Hades!"
Demeter's jaw dropped. "No!" she cried, jumping to her feet. "No, it can't be!"
"I'm sorry Demi," Zeus answered, but we must obey the Tome."
Demeter whirled around. "You!" she cried, pointing at Cal, who was still standing on his chair. "You'll pay for this!" And, in a flash, where Cal had been standing now perched a small, very confused-looking owl. He looked around. "Hoo?" he asked.
Bubo, half asleep on the back of his mistress' chair, perked up. Swiveling his head around, he spotted the intruder owl instantly. Bubo was enraged. He was the only owl allowed on Mount Olympus and he knew it. Screeching angrily and puffing himself up to twice his normal size, he darted straight towards Cal.
Cal squeaked in terror and flapped heavily towards the court's main doors, which Hermes thoughtfully opened for him. Bubo chased Cal out the doors and out of sight.
Hades stood up. "Demeter," he admonished the Earth Goddess, "don't you think you're overreacting--"
Mount Olympus shook violently, and the stone floor of the courtroom cracked loudly.
"--just a tad?"
"Zeus!" cried Demeter, rushing to the podium. "You can not seriously mean that you would let that, that, that--" She fished for the word. "--creature take possession of my daughter?!"
"Now just a minute," said Hades, but Persephone came to his rescue.
"Mom," she said sternly, "I don't think that's the most appropriate way to put it."
Demeter ignored her daughter. "It was only six pomegranate seeds," she told Zeus. "Surely such an infinitesimal amount of food counts for something..?"
Zeus harrumphed. "The Tome clearly states--"
"That Tome is severely outdated!" snapped Demeter, and the crowd gasped in shock.
"Demi," warned Zeus, "we have traditions to uphold, outdated or not."
Demeter turned away. "Then let the Earth suffer," she muttered, but loud enough for the Thunder God to hear.
"It is outdated, isn't it?" Zeus amended himself quickly. "Perhaps an addendum can be written...And maybe we can organize it a bit better this time. Take this down," he told the stenographer. "The number of items consumed shall equal the number of months per year the subject shall spend in the Underworld, unless the number of items is equal to or less than twelve, in which case the subject shall remain in the Underworld indefinitely unless some other factor plays in and--Are you getting this, son?" he asked the frantically scribbling satyr.
"Six months," moaned Demeter. She took Persephone's hand. "At least she will not have to marry him."
"Ahem," said Persephone. "I hope you have a dowry prepared."
Demeter dropped her daughter's hand.
"Son!" sobbed Poseidon.
