What the hell? I don't know how this turned from angsty, mourning Tsukasa to thoughtful, in love Tsukasa but it has.

This is from Tsukasa's POV. For your information, yes Tsukasa is really a girl that lives in Japan but because of how she was raised by her father I will be using the term 'he' for Tsukasa. Her father tried to eradicate any sense of femininity about her and so Tsukasa is more comfortable thinking about herself as a he.

I warn you that this fic contains gender confusion and will contain shoujo ai in its mildest form. That means nothing more than warm and fuzzy feelings/thoughts.

This is dedicated to my friend, Chris, who hooked me on this series. Because of the serious discussions we have had about hack//sign the idea for this fic was born.

By the way I am working on a new idea. Chris gave me a strange idea and being the perverse person I am…I will run with it! Of course he did threaten to hurt me if I did it but, hey, pain isn't always bad. winks A Sora centered lemon hehe. rubs her hands together evilly

Samanda

Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack//sign or any of its characters.

Bitter Chapter Two

Tsukasa gazed into the distance with unseeing eyes. The place where

he and Mimiru always met was deserted at this time, mostly because it was the wee hours of the morning. Mimiru wasn't supposed to meet him until after school let out in the afternoon so he had plenty of time to sit and think. Without meaning to his thoughts strayed to his mother again and the real reason he was here.

His mother had died four years ago and it made him feel strange to

think about life before she was gone but he couldn't help himself. It was hard to think about BD or Before Death as he thought of it because he had changed so much. In that distant time there was no 'him'. There was simply 'her'. Tsukasa.

Then his mother had died and so had 'she'. But while his mother had died a victim of her own body's betrayal Tsukasa's female self had been strangled by the man called Father. Father had methodically cut away all sense of Tsukasa's former self before beating a new self into being.

Him. Tsukasa.

Tsukasa still grieved for Mother. For her soft voice and her scent of vanilla and lillies. For the comforting hugs given at any notice and for the hope that was now lost. Tears had been cried until Tsukasa saw the gray world through blurry vision.

Here in The World he could still feel his emotions and could get hurt. The only release forbidden to him here was tears. He felt a sense of relief that tears were denied to him.

That was why he didn't want to log out. Death was the only option life had given to him after Mother had been taken away. He would rather die in a place of wonder and mysteries like The World than go back to the gray world he inhabited and would doubtless die in given his 'Father's' will. And so he was content to stay in The World and wait to die.

But that had been before he had been changed again. Hope had been given back to him finally with the appearances of Mimiru and Subaru. Each had been able to accomplish something that separately might never have worked.

When he had met Mimiru he had been pulled towards her though he had fought it hard. But with Subaru it had been different. Subaru and he had an instant connection together that defied words. Subaru was like a twin sister to him, only found after years of search.

But Mimiru had melted the ice in his soul. He had stopped resisting the force that drew him to her when he understood why. He had slipped so completely into the role of being a boy that he had literally become his role. He was a boy.

Mimiru had compassion for him he knew and her cheerfulness had gotten them through a few rough spots in the past. Her feistiness amused him and let him smile in spite of it all. She made him feel again and he was grateful. But best of all, now there was hope.

And he loved Mimiru with a passion and an intensity that sometimes overwhelmed him. But she only touched his hand and he was gentled into tenderness. He didn't know yet whether she could love him back or not but he was willing to wait.

Tsukasa gave a slow smile as his eyes focused on the scenery around him. Mother might be gone and he would always mourn the fact that she wasn't here but now he had hope again in the guise of a few new caring people like Subaru and Bear. But most importantly he had his love. Oh he could wait until forever for his spunky girl.