A/N:  second part of Looking Up, my second post Chosen and Home fic.  Buffy's POV.  Confused about her mixed feelings for Spike and Angel, she needs to think some things out.  But can she put her future and the man she loves on hold?

Part three to follow shortly.

Feedback please!

Disclaimer:  yada yada, I don't own any of them.

Enjoy.

The stars shine brightly over head, which considering this is L.A., that's a little weird.  Whatever.  I'll take it.  I'll take any kind of soothing heavenly phenomena that I can get.  Keeps me from having to think about…well, everthing.

The dark one.

The blonde.

Who saved me?  Who saved us all?  Did I lie when I said I loved him? 

Gah.  Can't tell now.  Can't do anything now except listen to Dawn and my dad prattle on about new places to shop and where to go to school in the fall.

He has asked me if Dawn can stay here awhile with him and his new wife.  It's a new day that sees Hank Summers ask his daughter for permission to do anything.  I stared in shock at him a while before answering, "sure, whatever Dawn wants."

Dawn just needs stability I think.  At least for a little while.

Kennedy has taken the bus with the other girls on to Cleveland.  I can catch up in a few days.

Trouble is, do I want to?  Or do I want to tie up loose ends here?

And are there loose ends to tie up?

I'm really confused.  That's the simplest way to put it. 

I'm pretty sure I did love him in my way.  He filled the niche that I needed filling at the time.  And he did love me.  But I didn't want to be his "one" either.  I already am someone's "one."  Or at least I think so.

Willow filled me in on the stuff that went down when she made that emergency trip to L.A. a few weeks ago.  I had seen on the news about the sun doing that weird eclip-sie thing, and thought nothing of it really, knew that someone was there to clean up that mess.  Didn't even think to call him.  I should have.

Angelus.  What the hell was Wesley thinking?

I mean I know what he was thinking, they needed the info and all that, but God.  There should have been an easier way to get it.  And Faith, tripping in his head, getting under his skin once again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful she was there to help.  But it makes my own skin crawl to think of her there with him like that. 

She knows things about him I don't.  And that really bugs me.

But what about the other?  Again I think about Spike and honestly don't know what to believe. 

His face swims before me in the night, and I sigh to see it.  I know what he did, what he sacrificed.  Over the past two years all the crap that he and I did to each other, all the horrible things I let him do…well, told him to do to me, all the fights, the hate, and, lets face it, general attraction that was there filled that hole I hadn't realized was so big.

During the suckfest of 2002, as I so fondly like to think on it, he did play his part.  He did make me feel again.  And the more I think on it, the more I realize he did have a very important role in my growing up.  And that role has now been played out.

He's gotten his redemption.  At least I hope so.  And who am I to take that reward away?  I did love him, yes, but I wasn't in love with him.

My head jerks up at the sky again at this thought, and the first smile in days plasters itself on my mouth.  It's nice to be sure about something.

He did love me.  And he did what he did because he was a good man, in the end.  Not because a soul was forced on him, but because he accepted what he was given and walked the right path.  And that's what made me love him.

I walk back inside my dad's house, and find Dawn and him sitting on the couch, getting into some good old fashioned TV zombie land.

"Guys," I tell them, and they swivel their heads around, giving me the half attention everybody does while trying to watch the tube and do something else at the same time, "I have somewhere I need to go.  Can you stay here for a while with Dad, Dawn?"

"Yeah, sure Buffy, whatever," she tells me, already getting back into the cartoon network.

I turn and stride toward the front door, grabbing my jacket as I pass it.  My dad follows me outside.

"You okay, honey?  Do you need a ride somewhere?"  he puts a hand on my shoulder, concerened.  Which is a little strange, considering how not around he's been lately.  I guess trying to make up for it now is better than nothing.

"No, it's a short walk.  I'll be back as soon as I can."  I smile reassuringly at him, then hit the street, walking as fast as I can toward the hotel and the other one I love.  The one who's left.  The one who needs me now, hopefully as much as I need him.  The one who I always thought of as my future.  Does he feel the same way?

Sometimes is something, he had said.  It is.  And the sometime has become the now-time.

Things are somewhat clearer for me now, but they'll be clearer soon.

I just hope he's there.