Blasted Muggle Contraptions


Author's Notes: Thank you to all my reviewers! Roasted acorns are always welcome!
TV shows/films which have featured plot lines involving stuck elevators: Punky Brewster, Chicago Hope, You've Got Mail, ... that's all I can of right now. But there are many more!



Chapter 2: The Abominable Mr. Darcy


Hermione sat on the floor, leaning her head against the wall, her feet stretched out in front of her, her bag in her lap. She stared straight ahead, attempting to get her head around their current predicament.

Three feet to her left, Draco paced (as much as you can pace in an elevator) and finally sat down, as far away from Hermione as he could get, which wasn't far at all, scrunched up in the opposite corner. But he was still restless. He stretched out his legs, then crossed them, then folded them up. Then he stood again.

I can't believe this, Draco said. What did you do to the elevator anyway, Granger?

I didn't do anything to it, Malfoy. I pushed the button for the twentieth floor. What did you do?

I didn't anything! Draco insisted. I was having a perfectly fine ride in this ridiculous muggle box and then you came along!

Well, obviously, Hermione said, standing up with her arms crossed, A hapless little wizard like yourself can't handle a simple muggle contraption. Who knows what you did to it.

I didn't do anything!

Neither did I! Hermione snapped. She kicked the wall in frustration.

Draco rubbed his chin and regarded the shut door. He uselessly attempted to pry the doors apart. Draco proceeded to go spastic and clawed at the door and hit it with his fists.



Will you please stop freaking out! Hermione protested.

Draco shouted. No, I will not stop freaking out! I'm locked inside a tiny little room with a filthy mudblood!

The tension of the moment caught up with Hermione and her breath caught, tears coming to her eyes. She sank to the floor and put her head in her hands.

Now, Hermione, she thought, be rational. Things like this happen all the time! You can handle this! Don't lose it!

But the more she told herself not to cry the more she did. Because she had already been feeling rather depressed and because Ron and Harry hadn't owled her in over a week and because of all the people in the whole world to be stuck in an elevator with, it had to be Malfoy. And who knows how long they would be here. And she knew, without a doubt, that he would... never... shut up.

Awww, is ickle Hermione a bit upset? Draco mocked. Yes, cry away, Gryffindor. What a baby, he muttered.

Oh, I'm a baby, Hermione said sarcastically. Says the boy screaming at the top of his lungs. Yes, you're very mature.

If I had my wand... Draco hissed.

If you had your wand, we'd be out of here, git, Hermione said rather snippily.

And you would have green scales all over your ugly face, he said.

Hermione snorted, Green scales. That's very original, Malfoy. Why don't you just put horns on my head.

Well, what would you do if you're so smart? Draco asked.

I don't hex people, she pointed out.

Of course, perfect Gryffindor, he mumbled.

But if I did, she continued, against her better judgment, I would probably hit you with a vesicacutis. Give you bubbly skin all over your face.

Draco was slightly taken aback as he considered vesicacutis an excellent choice. Of course, he had no intention of admitting this.

I could always just hit you with the densuageo again. Give you back those lovely beaver teeth. And oldie but a goodie, aye Granger?

Sod off, Malfoy.

Well, I can't sod off, can I? He answered. I'm stuck in here with you.

Hermione compacted herself into the corner and put her hands over her ears.

I'm not listening, she whispered.

Hermione stayed like that for what seemed like forever and Draco ranted and hissed and moaned but eventually gave up, folding himself into his own corner and glaring in her general direction.

*************************************************

Hermione started to feel a little better about their situation and held out the hope that Draco would simply remain quiet until help came. She took off her coat, revealing a sleeveless black sweater. She cushioned herself against her coat and then rather surreptitiously reached into her bag and took out a book.

Draco's head immediately snapped up. What's that?

Hermione's blood sugar was low and her temper was rising. She decided to ignore him and went back to reading her book...

Nothing less than the complaisance of a courtier could have borne without anger such treatment-

What is it?! Draco demanded.

Book, Malfoy, she yipped. Or do you inbred sorts know how to read?

Ooooh, Granger, Malfoy cooed. Feisty! What book?

If you must know, it's Pride and Prejudice. It's a muggle novel, she answered.

I've heard of it, he said, sounding affronted. Is it as horrid as it sounds?

Hermione sighed and rested the book against her chest. To you, maybe. It's not about torture or genocide or even hostile takeovers.

You're right, Draco admitted. It does sound horrid.

Hermione went back to reading and Draco leaned his head against the wall.

Mrs. Bennet was really in a most pitiable state. The very mention of anything concerning the match threw her into an agony of ill humor-

What is it about then?

Hermione shut her eyes and groaned. Why do you care?

Because I'm bored!

That's not my problem.

Just tell me what it's about! He insisted.

It's about love, Malfoy. Something you obviously know nothing about.

Draco scoffed.

Hermione continued reading, meanwhile Draco had taken a coin out of his pocket and was spinning it on the floor and then simply tapping it incessantly.

Hope was entirely over...

Clack. Clack-clack-clack. Clack.

Would you stop that! Hermione finally exploded.

Draco asked innocently.

Clack. Clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-

What do you want from me? Hermione demanded.

I don't know, Draco said lazily. What else have you got in that bag?

Nothing that I'm going to show you, Hermione mumbled.

Clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-

Oh, that abominable Mr. Darcy!

****************************************************

I want a witch that's naughty, naughty... not just a bitch but a hottie hottie-

One more word of that ridiculous song... Hermione breathed.

And what, Granger? Draco challenged her. Aren't you a pacifist or some such nonsense? Truthfully, he was feeling in better spirits. Because messing with Granger was highly entertaining, much more so then hanging around with Lucius' drones.

I'm reading, Hermione said weakly.

And I'm singing, he retorted. Don't you like The Downbeat Screwts? How bout this...

No, please, Hermione said uselessly.

Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside!

Hermione slammed her fists on the elevator floor. You've got to be kidding me!

Guess who's back... back again...

You listen to muggle rap music?? Hermione said incredulously.

Draco laughed harshly. You say that like you know everything about me. You don't know the first thing.

And trust me, I don't wish too.

I've created a monster, Draco rapped. Cause nobody wants- Hey, mudblood!

I am not answering to that.

Fine then. Granger.



Look up! Draco ordered. Look up at the ceiling.

Hermione looked up, just to humor him, to see an elevator ceiling with a tiny little door in the middle.

I bet I could climb through that, Draco said slowly.

And then what? Hermione asked.

I don't know, Draco said, shrugging. There must be some sort of passageway up there.

`Heremione put down her book. It wasn't such a terrible idea. She was mostly upset that Malfoy had thought of it.

she said with a sigh. Fine. But how are you going to reach the ceiling?

**********************************************

Hermione grunted, her clasped hands shaking as they supported the weight of Draco's right foot. Hurry up! I can't hold you much longer!

Draco snorted. That's what she said, he muttered.

He opened the ceiling door and attempted to pull himself up through the rectangular opening.

Draco growled.

Hermione used every ounce of strength in her to raise Draco's foot a few inches higher.

Draco cursed. My shoulders are too wide.

Can I let you down now? Hermione wheezed.

Draco grinned. But Granger, you're in your natural state! So near kissing the foot of a pureblood such as- AAAAGH!

Hermione finished the sentence for him by simply unclasping her hands, sending Draco crashing to the floor.

You were saying? Hermione said happily.

Draco stood and brushed nonexistent dust from his black t-shirt.

That was highly uncalled for, Granger, Draco said sternly. And very cruel. Impressive but cruel.

Hermione wasn't sure whether to feel complimented or aggravated. She opted for aggravation.

Draco stroked his chin and looked Hermione up and down. She was obviously of a much smaller frame then he, who had enjoyed a three inch growth spurt in the last year. She stood at about five inches shorter then he and had those narrow girlish shoulders...

Say, Granger, Draco said slyly. You've got pretty small shoulders...

Hermione's eyes widened. No way, Malfoy!

C'mon, Granger! Don't you want to get out of here?!

I am wearing a skirt! She trilled.

Oh, that, Draco said, rolling his eyes. Trust me, Granger. I have absolutely no interest.

Hermione simply couldn't resist.

she said, the rumors are true.

Draco fell, quite beautifully, for her bait.

What rumors?

Hermione shrugged. Oh, you know, the sort of rumors that would account for a lack of interest in that sort of thing.

You watch your step, mudblood, Draco hissed.

So you are! Hermione said, clapping her hands.

No, I'm not! Draco yelped. You want me to prove it you, right here?!

Hermione smiled sweetly. I'd rather wash Snape's hair for extra credit.

I swear, when we're out of this elevator...

Hermione smirked. Empty threats.

Draco scowled but answered by clasping his hands and shoving them in Hermione's direction.

he ordered.

A minute later, the shoe was on the other foot... er, the other shoe was on the other hand. Hermione agreed due to her strong desire to get out of this situation and on Draco's dubious word that he would not look up. Draco was able to lift her quite high and Hermione fit her shoulders through the hole, settling her hands on top of the elevator and inspecting the shaft. Draco, inexplicably, actually kept his word and stared instead at her shoe. It was a little black leather shoe with a buckle and inside it was a girly little foot in a girly little white sock. It was highly tempting, on Draco's side of things, to follow that shoe to the cuff of that sock and up that smooth almost tan leg and-

A little higher?! She hollered.

Draco lifted her higher easily and Hermione managed to climb up through the hole and found herself standing on top of the elevator. It was eery. Dark and nothing too interesting around. No doors, nothing to climb other then the cables holding the elevator and that was quite impossible. She stood there for a full five minutes, considering every option, only to find that there were none.

Draco shouted up at her.

There was nothing. Nothing!

She crouched down and talked through the hole in the ceiling.

There's nothing really, she said defeatedly. Nothing to climb... no doors.

Draco stomped his foot.

He looked back up to see Hermione looking worried.

He asked.

she said. How do I get back down?

Same way you came up, idiot, Draco said easily.

Hermione, feeling very self conscious and quite ridiculous, backed herself through the hole, finding Draco's hand with her foot. Unfortunately, Draco was simply forced to look up... for balance and all.

Draco whistled. Merlin, Granger! I can see your Gryffindor assets from here!

Hermione, quite put out, proceeded to shriek and kick Malfoy in the face with her free foot, causing him to lose his hold and they both went crashing to the ground. Hermione sat against the wall, rubbing a sore knee and scowling at Malfoy.

Perverted git.

Malfoy rested his elbows on his knees and smiled an all too satisfied smile.

Don't be silly, I'm a perfectly normal teenage git.

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