Blasted Muggle Contraptions
Chapter 3: The M-Word
Author's Notes: I know you all love The Downbeat Screwts. Included in this chapter are a couple of verses from Naughty Witch.
The problem was this. Hermione had been huddled up in her corner for a half hour, silent in her righteous indignation.
And she was hungry.
Difficulty being, she had a large stash of candy in her bag, but if she took it out, Draco would see it. And Hermione had no intention of sharing her sugar.
So to speak.
But her stomach was rumbling and if Draco couldn't hear it, she could. So Hermione, as surreptitiously as possible, slipped her hand into her bag and nabbed a glitter lip gumdrop. She glanced at Draco who was staring at the wall, looking a little crazed. Hermione popped the gumdrop into her mouth and chewed slowly. The gumdrop was pink lemonade flavored and very good.
Of course Draco heard her. His head turned and his eyes shot wide open.
You've got food! Draco accused.
Hermione grimaced. It's just sugar, she said. Nothing of real nutritional value.
You've been holding out on me, Granger!
It would probably just make you hungrier! Hermione cried, not sounding at all convincing.
So the perfect righteous Gryffindor hides food from a starving man in a dire situation! Draco said dramatically.
You're not starving, git. Hermione said. We've only been in here a couple of hours.
Draco shrieked. C'mon, mudblood! I want food! Hand it over!
Hermione just gawked at him. You've got a lot of bloody nerve, she whispered.
Draco just sighed heavily and leaned his head against the wall. What now? he asked.
You want me to share my food with you and then you go and call me... that word, she said bitterly.
I could just come over there and take it myself, he said in a voice that he hoped sounded threatening.
Hermione just laughed. I'd like to see you try it.
Draco started to say something and then he frowned and his eyes widened. he said. Your lips are all glittery! Have you got gumdrops?!
Hermione shut her eyes in frustration and felt herself giving in. It wasn't fair, she thought. Was this not fate giving her the perfect opportunity to get revenge on a bully? But no. It was just plain wrong to withhold food at a time like this. Even if it was... Malfoy. However, it wouldn't be totally out of bounds to ask for something in return.
Hermione said thoughtfully. I'll give you half of the gumdrops. But you have to do something for me.
Draco squirmed. At the mercy of Granger?! Was there no justice in the universe?! He wondered what she would want from him. She probably wanted him to do something humiliating to get revenge. Or make him promise that he would never hex Harry or Ron again or make him do something really degrading like carry her books for her or , Merlin forbid, be kind to house elves.
What is it? he asked in a pained voice.
Hermione sat to face him, her coat and her bag in her lap. She fixed him a with determined gaze, holding the bag of gumdrops in her hand.
You have to promise me, she said, her voice shaking just a bit with intensity. You have to promise me that you will never call me that word again. Never. Never again.
Draco was all prepared to lash out at her outrageous demands and took a breath, about to shout but let it out just as quickly.
That is- he started to say. That's all?
Hermione looked completely straight faced and nodded. Draco was taken aback. He wasn't sure how to respond to this. She was being so... serious. He told himself that it was alright. That she was just being a lousy negotiator. After all, he was so desperate for sustenance at this point, he probably would have agreed to more. And she just wasn't any good at making deals. Why didn't she want some kind of revenge? Why didn't she want to slug him or make him bang his head against the wall or spit in his face? Why didn't she ask him to give her money later? That's certainly the sort of thing he would've done. And then he couldn't be sure what he was worrying about. What was he assuring himself was alright? What was he trying to convince himself of?
Draco was thinking all this while glaring at Hermione who was annoyed at his hesitation.
Do you promise? she demanded.
he said quickly, almost forgetting what he was promising. Her eyes were so fiery. And her lips were so... glittery. Hermione sat back and took a breath.
she said. She sat sideways and spread out her coat, emptying out the gumdrops. Draco watched as she separated them into two equal piles.
You'll ruin my reputation, you know, he said, falling back into his drawl.
And what a crying shame that would be, Hermione said dryly. She shoved his gumdrops over to one side of the coat and Draco ate them one at a time, savoring each.
Is that why you did it? Draco asked, almost hopefully. That makes sense.
What makes sense? Hermione asked, with a mouth full of lemon gumdrop.
Draco rose his eyebrows arrogantly, fully prepared to explain Granger's strategy to Granger and let her know that he knew what she was up to.
he said, at first I thought you were just a rotten negotiator. If it were me, I would do something nice and terrible. Like make you promise I could hex you in front of the school or something. But this is much more subtle. This way, I'm cornered the next time we have a confrontation at school. You want to humiliate me so that I'm standing there unable to call you... the m-word. Powerless before all my friends. And they'll think you have something over me. Masterful stroke, Granger. I must applaud you really. But don't think you'll get away without some retaliation.
Granger just stared at him and blinked. She shook her head and leaned back against he wall.
she said. You've got the most duplicitous mind I've ever had the unfortunate opportunity to see put into action.
Flattery will get you nowhere, Granger, Malfoy said sweetly.
Hermione sucked on a lime drop and crossed her ankles in front of her.
It's not to humiliate you, Malfoy, she said. I could care less about humiliating you. I just hate that it! Draco watched her. The mere thought of it seemed to be getting her riled up. I hate it! And I hate it when you call me that!
Draco shouted back. Well, I can't anymore can I? I just promised I wouldn't.
Please tell me a a Malfoy keeps his word, Hermione said. I haven't laughed all day.
Sometimes we do, Malfoy grumbled.
If it suits your purposes, Hermione finished for him.
She was right. Draco knew that and he had never apologized for it. He didn't want to start.
Hermione went on,I can see you now. You're right. You and Harry and Ron would get into yet another little stand off. And there I'll be and you'll have to call me a mudblood. Couldn't risk losing the respect of the other Slytherins.
That's not why the Slytherins show me respect, Draco said scowling. Just because I call people names...
Then why do they? Hermione challenged.
Because I command it, he said.
You mean your money commands it, she answered. Your money and your father.
You don't know anything, Granger! Draco shouted. I wouldn't need my money or my father to get the respect of anyone! And I wouldn't even need to bully anyone either!
Then don't! she barked.
he shouted. I won't!
she said quietly.
Draco sat back, huffing and then frowned.
What the bloody hell did I just agree to??
Draco looked up to see that Hermione was laughing. She was gazing at him and giggling, her lips still puckered around a pink gumdrop.
You're lips are glittery, she said.
**********************************************
Draco was singing again.
Saw her walking down the alley one day,
what do I gotta do to make that one stay?
Magic birds have pretty feathers
I like it when they wear tight leather-
Will you shut up? Hermione begged him.
he said quickly and continued.
She said, hey, hey baby, is that a wand in your pants?
Let's get together, do the dirty wizard dance-
SHUT UP!
Feel good pain like a feel good hex,
cause all night long we make the feel good- Granger!
Draco's graphic verse was interrupted by the book that Hermione had thrown at his forehead. Truth be told, Draco was only singing to attempt to distract himself from wayward thoughts. Thoughts of what he'd glimpsed under Granger's skirt. He was also trying to figure out a way to get the rest of the food she was hiding. He had heard that bag rattle when all the gumdrops spilled out. She was holding out on him. Or more likely, she had some very practical Gryffindor idea of rationing. Either way...
I told you to shut up, Malfoy, she said threateningly.
So Granger, Draco said slowly and slyly and Slytherinly as he set her book in his lap, white cotton with red flowers? How apt.
Hermione looked confused. What are you... she started to say.
The girl turned a distinct shade of maroon and scrunched into her corner.
Don't talk about that, she hissed. Don't even think about it. I can't believe you did that.
It drove Hermione to distraction, the idea of it.
I couldn't not, he explained.
It's called self-control, Malfoy, she said.
Malfoy thought about self-control for all of half a second and then his mind returned to a certain pair of cotton bikini-cut knickers that fit just right. And those legs... Not that he particularly wanted to do anything about it. It was impossible. Besides, he didn't like her. She was Granger and always would be. Granger the mud- the muggleborn. But still. Girl were girls were girls were girls...
Poor Weasley... Draco said with a sigh of deep implication.
What's Ron got to do with this? Hermione said, scowling.
Oh, c'mon Granger, Draco said, laughing. Hasn't he been trying to get into your knickers since fourth year?
Hermione shrieked.
I've probably gotten more action with you in this elevator then he ever has, Draco muttered.
Hermione moaned. Why don't you leave me alone? Ron and I don't even... he doesn't even think of me that way! So shut up about it.
Now Draco was even more interested.
Of course, he does, Malfoy said calmly. You just don't know about it. Weasley's obviously too chicken.
Hermione rolled her eyes and stretched her feet out.
It has nothing to do with being chicken. He's never been scared of asking out anyone else. We just don't like each other that way, okay?
Draco thought for a moment and then his eyes lit up.
Ah! Then it's Potty, is it? Draco said. Should've known really but-
Hermione said through gritted teeth. He doesn't... they just don't... it's platonic. That's all. Why am I telling you this?! she shrieked.
So neither Potter or Weasley have ever put the moves on you? Draco asked incredulously.
He was starting to upset her, twisting the knife as he was and Hermione squelched those familiar feelings and smoothed her skirt over her knees.
she said. They haven't put the moves' on me as you say. And it's none of your business anyway!
But I'm bored, he explained. I don't understand this at all... he grumbled. Oh! Are they gay?
Hermione couldn't help but laugh at the thought.
Good God, no! Hermione said laughing.
I knew they were always too cozy in those Gryffindor dorms! Draco declared. No wonder they like their broomsticks so much...
So the Gryffindor colors are really pink and gold are they?
Hermione couldn't talk for laughing, between the sugar of the gumdrops and Draco's unexpected humor. He was really quite funny, she realized, when he wasn't being a slimy git.
Why would you think they're gay? Hermione asked, still breathless with laughter. It was a strange moment. For just this minute she'd forgotten who he was.
he started to talk and stopped himself. He knew why, he knew the implication but he found himself simultaneously denying and realizing it. I don't know, he finally spat out. They have an air about them.
Hermione too was confused.
He couldn't think that I'm... that just because they haven't... he can't possibly think of me like...
Can he?
*****************************************
Just give me back the book, Malfoy.
Hold on a sec, I'm reading, Draco mumbled, brow furrowed as he plowed through Austen.
I thought you said it sounded boring, she pointed out.
Draco grunted.
You're only reading it to annoy me, Hermione huffed.
It's not always about you, Granger, Malfoy said breezily. Besides, I want to see who this Bennett girl ends up with.
Hermione was only too pleased to ruin the ending for him.
she answered. Now give it back.
Draco grimaced and tossed the book in her direction.
Just wreck the whole novel for me, he said. Thought she hated Darcy.
Hermione strummed through the book, looking for the last page she'd read.
She does at first, Hermione explained. He's an arrogant snob. Very obnoxious and he looks down on her for being of a lower class. And she's sort of prejudice against him for being the rich git that he is and doesn't give him much of a chance. But they come around.
Thank you, professor, Draco sighed.
You asked! she trilled.
Actually, I didn't, he snipped. But I suppose I don't have to read it now.
What do you read? Hermione asked idolly.
Draco rubbed his eyes and yawned before answering.
The usual... he said. Raping and Pillaging for Dummies... The Idiots Guide to Death and Destruction.
Hermione laughed again, a pleasant lilting sound that bounced in the acoustics of the small space. Draco looked at her, his ears perking up involuntarily. He was surprised when she laughed at his jokes. He'd always thought of her as another dully humorless Gryffindor.
And you, Draco continued, you probably have that Hogwarts a History memorized. Right up your alley. Volumes one and two, I expect.
There's a volume two?!
************************************************
It's impossible.
You're just scared that I'm right, Draco said haughtily.
I think the sugar has gone to your head.
Draco shrugged. Then why don't you take off your shoes?
I'm not taking my shoes off for you, Malfoy!
Fine then, I'll take mine off, he said casually, starting to unlace his boots.
she shrieked. Don't! Your feet will smell!
Draco gave a her a look. Don't you enchant your sock against odors?
Hermione said, her cheeks reddening slightly.
I doubt they smell anyway, he mumbled.
This is ridiculous, she said. There's no way our feet are the same size!
How can you tell? he asked simply. I've got on big manly boots and you've got on those little... girly shoes of yours.
But your a whole head taller then I am! she protested. If they were the same size, it would mean you have freakishly small feet because I know mine aren't too big.
Draco took off his boots and stretched out his legs, wiggling his black socked toes.
C'mon, Granger, he pleaded. I won't stop bugging you until you do.
She knew he wouldn't. I think you're mad, she said. But she unbuckled her little girly shoes and stretched out her legs like he had.
Let's see... Draco muttered. He scooted over so that they were sitting on opposite sides of the elevator, legs stretched out, feet pressing against each other.
What're you doing? Hermione asked suspiciously.
Looking at our feet, he answered simply. Yours aren't that much smaller then mine.
But they aren't the same size, she pointed out.
I didn't think they were, he said. But I did get you to take off your shoes.
Hermione couldn't help but smile and shake her head. You're weird.
he countered. I'm just a guy. And you know guys are only after one thing... we just want to get into your socks.
Hermione was laughing again and Draco grinned. He was liking the feeling he got when he made her laugh. It was satisfaction, which he felt when he tossed out a particularly witty insult, but this was a different flavor of satisfaction. This felt... warm. Draco knew this was all wrong. But he was starting to forget the world outside of the muggle contraption. So Draco didn't think. Instead, he made her laugh again. He moved his foot and tickled the bottom of her feet with his toes.
Hermione giggled.
Draco wiggled his toes and hit a sensitive spot so that Hermione shrieked and pulled her feet back.
What're you doing? she said, still laughing, with a look in her eyes that Draco decided to take as a challenge.
he muttered. He got on his knees and crawled over to Hermione who was again scrunched up in the corner.
Hermione said quickly.
But Draco didn't listen, instead he grabbed for her feet and tickled them ruthlessly so that Hermione fell on her back, laughing and flailing wildly.
Wah! Draco, stop! she cried, tears forming in her hysteria.
Oh! Now it's Draco is it! He shouted, exuberant. He attacked her stomach with tickles and Hermione squealed and weakly attempted to push him away.
No! No! Wait!
Draco just grinned and continued his tickle attack.
Sorry, what was that, Hermione?
Your lips say no, but your eyes! They say yes! He said in a lousy French accent.
Draco did stop finally, and found himself in an intriguing position. She was lying on her back and he was crouched over her, on his knees, his palms on either side of her head. She was still laughing and he watched with interest. Her laugh went from loud and lilting to throaty. Her cheeks were rosy. Her eyes were sparkling. Her lips were still glittery. And her chest was... heaving.
I've got more candy! Hermione blurted.
Draco blinked.
Hermione pushed Draco off of her and sat up. She had sensed a moment coming. A moment of some kind. A moment she most certainly did not want, particularly with Draco of all people.
With Malfoy.
That's what she meant.
With Dra- with Malfoy!
It couldn't have been a moment. Malfoy hates my guts. And I hate his.
It must be the lack of oxygen.
Some things called Thought Pops, she said breathlessly. In my bag.
Very well, Granger, Draco said, running a hand through his tousled hair. Gimme your sugar.
*******************************************************
This is blackmail.
It's not blackmail, Hermione said, if I'm giving you something in return for information.
Then it's entrapment.
You don't even know what that means.
Well, I refuse.
You haven't even heard the question!
Spit it out then, Draco said dramatically.
Are you going to be a death eater?
Draco was taken aback. He eyed her. She was staring at her red overcoat, the collar of which she twisted in her hands.
he sighed.
I just don't get it, she said. He could hear the earnestness in her voice. It's not as if you don't know what he's capable of. I mean, I know you're sort of a git, Malfoy. But are you evil?
Aren't I? he said dryly.
I'm serious! she cried.
You're always serious.
But Hermione wasn't listening to jokes right now.
Do you really think that muggles all deserve to die? she demanded. Or that I deserve to die?
I dunno, he mumbled.
You don't know?!
I don't know! he insisted.
How can you not know?! She shouted. How can you throw your life away on some nonsensical ideology and not even know why?!
I'm a Malfoy, Granger, Draco said, echoing his father. That's what Malfoys do.
But what about free will?! Hermione exclaimed. What about the existentialist struggle?!
Draco was getting hot under the collar. She seemed to be reading his mind in some ways and it was really ticking him off.
It's not about that! He snapped.
Then what is it about? she pressed. What could be worth hurting people for no good reason? What-
It's about power, Granger! Draco finally exploded.
Hermione said, as if she'd never heard of the word.
Well, what do you think? He said, exasperated. Just how absurdly naive are you? Of course it's about power!
Only about power? she asked.
he said, shrugging.
But that's so stupid! she cried.
Power is the only real commodity, genius. You're smart enough to know that, he said.
No, it's not, she said forcefully. Draco was stricken. Power is an illusion, she said. People want to be gods... people want to be immortal. And inevitably they fail. But has anyone learned from it? No!
Draco was entranced. And confused.
Well, thankfully we have Professor Granger to teach us, Draco spat. Since you know everything.
I don't know everything! She said, throwing her hands up in the air. I just know that power is not the meaning of life!
Then what is? He challenged.
she said, as if that were obvious.
Draco curled his lip. He snarled.
You're daft.
He didn't know about love, she realized. What could he possibly know about any kind of real love?
Have you ever loved anyone? The words were out of her mouth before she had time to think about them. I don't just mean romantically.
Draco didn't feel like playing anymore.
Don't try to change me, Granger, Draco warned her.
I wouldn't know where to start, she said honestly.
It's just so cliche, he said, drawing knees up in a defensive position. The tortured would-be death eater reformed by a brainy but beautiful mud- muggleborn.
Hermione blushed. He'd just complimented her and didn't even realize it.
He thinks I'm beautiful...
Are you going to be a death eater? She asked again.
I don't know, he said through a clenched jaw.
Draco felt something hit his leg and looked down to see a caramel flavored Thought Pop at his feet.
What're you doing with Thought Pops anyway? He asked.
I don't know, she said. I've never had one. What do they do?
You suck on it and it makes you blow smoke when you breathe out and the smoke forms whatever thought you're thinking or feeling above your head, Draco said.
she breathed. How strange.
I don't think... Draco started to say. He frowned.
Let's try it, Hermione said. Come on... Draco?
She kept surprising him.
It was quite annoying.
But Draco wasn't one to back down and nodded. They unwrapped their respective Thought Pops and stuck them in their mouths. Draco's favorite flavor happened to be Caramel but he sucked on the candy joylessly and stared away at the floor. After a time he glanced up to see Hermione raising her eyebrows in expectation. Draco nodded and Hermione exhaled. Her Thought Pop was grape and so purple smoke blew from her mouth and drifted over her head where they both looked to see it form a sentence.
I'm lonely, the smoke read. Hermione gasped a little and backed up against the wall, blushing terribly. That's not what she had been consciously thinking. She had been thinking something along the lines of, please don't become a death eater. But Draco had failed to mention that you couldn't control what the smoke would say.
Draco held the smoke in his mouth. This was not a wise idea, he knew. He didn't want Granger to know what he was feeling. Especially now. But it was too late now and to swallow Thought Pop smoke could be extremely dangerous, so Draco winced and exhaled. Toffee colored smoke streamed from his lips and curled up over his head where it formed two words.
Me too...
