Chapter One: Broken

Spike sat amidst the rubble as she jumped from the tower. Her eyes were closed, anyone's would be. He had failed her. He had failed to protect Dawn, and Buffy had done the only thing she could. She sacrificed herself to save her sister, and the world. A world that included him. She had saved him. But he was still a failure. She was dead.

The walk back to the Magic Box that evening was a slow one: the mood, sombre. Giles carried the broken body of the Slayer back to the Magic Box, where he laid her atop the table they had researched on so many times, including that day. The watcher's eyes were downcast as he placed his coat over her limp body, not quite bringing himself to cover her face. Not quite able to believe that what was happening was real, that the body of his Slayer; his daughter was in front of his eyes, still and calm, and without life. He had loved her.

Giles glanced around the room, seeing the bruised and saddened 'Slayerettes', as the had been known as, and his heart dropped. They had fought bravely, each one of them, and now she was gone. Their friend, their protector. Protector. Who would protect them now? Giles was certain that there would be no new slayer. He had lost his charge, and inevitably, his job. He looked again at what was his family. Anya was curled in Xander's arms, Willow in Tara's, and Dawn was in Spike's. Spike's arms. The arms of a monster. A monster who didn't belong anywhere, especially not in his family.

"I still can't believe that she's. that she's." Willow sobbed.

"Why is he here?" Xander asked, staring icily at the vampire.

"Xander, honey, I don't think this is the time for.."

"I don't care Aan, *he* shouldn't be here. He should never have been here. He's a monster, he doesn't belong here."

"Xander."

"No Giles. *He* shouldn't be here!"

"I was actually going to agree with you Xander, I think it's rather inappropriate for him to be here myself." He turned to Spike, who was still cradling Dawn in his arms and whispering to her. "Get out Spike."

The vampire looked up at Giles, the pain he was going through displayed plainly on his face. He looked as if he was going to question what Giles had said, when Dawn spoke.

"W.why do you want him to go? He's. he's not going to do anything. He. he hasn't done anything! Spike's done nothing wrong!"

"He's a monster Dawnie. They're right, he shouldn't be here. If it wasn't for his."

"Willow! How can you say that? And if it wasn't for his what?" Dawn asked.

"His failure. His failure to protect you." Stated Giles.

"Did no-one see him? At least he tried. no-one, no-one."

"Sssh Bit, s'ok" whispered Spike. "I'll go. I'm not wanted here. Not by anybody but you, and they're all here for you now. They'll take care of you."

"But Spike, I don't want you to."

"I know Nibblet, but I'll be no good to you as a pile of dust will I? Best to just leave and let them take care of you. You know where I'll be."

Dawn moved out of Spike's arms and ran into the training room, with Giles following immediately. Spike stood and looked into the faces staring at him. Willow was looking at him with loathing, Xander with pure hatred; nothing new there, except that this was hatred in it's purest form. Tara and Anya were looking at him with a type of sympathy. He didn't need their pity. He moved towards the exit, stopping cold as he reached the table where she lay.

He stood before the table and looked down. She looked so peaceful, like she did when she was sleeping. So calm, so still. He reached his hand out and tentatively ran it across her cheek. She was cold, so cold. Words flooded his memory.

//I know you'll never love me. I know I'm a monster.but you treat me like a man.//

Tears welled in his eyes as the realisation that he would never see her again sank in. As he realised that his failure was terminal. That there was no way he could save her now. That the woman he loved was gone. That Buffy was dead. He flew out of the Magic Box and his entire body numbed as he let his feet walk him to his destination.

---

Spike's feet took him to Willy's where he ordered a bottle of Jack and sat down in a booth as far away from the rest of the demon population as was possible. He wanted to be alone. But he wasn't. Thoughts of Buffy consumed him.

//What happens on Saturday?//

// I kill you//

Their first conversation. God, he loved how she moved, even then she was a prime fighter. Not at all what he was expecting. How he had wanted her. Even then. Not just to kill, but. God they could have been so good together. both killers, both amazing lovers, or at least according to what he had heard while she was with Captain Cardboard.

//I never really liked you anyway.and you have. stupid hair//

All that muttering as a result of a dream; and what a dream it was. Her loving him. Her lips on his. Passion. Want. Need. Love. What a dream.

//What you did for Dawn and me, that was real//

And that kiss, so soft, so gentle. Not the way you kiss a monster. Her lips, so full, her skin, so warm.

//Oh, pouty! Look at that lip. gonna get it.gonna get it.//

Laughing out loud, Spike remembered the time they were going to get married. Of course, it had been a spell, it usually was, but they were so happy. So happy. And now she was gone.

// I'm counting on you ... to protect her//

//Till the end of the world//

He'd failed

//I know you'll never love me//

Without realising it, tears began flowing freely down Spike's face. Images of her falling from the tower invaded his thoughts. The words 'I failed her, I failed Dawn, I failed, I failed' echoed in his ears, repeated like a mantra, so loud it was as if he was speaking aloud. He didn't realise that he was. He didn't realise that there was a very large, very annoyed demon standing at his table until it was too late.

The demon picked him up and threw him across the bar. Spike landed with a heavy thud, a few ribs breaking as he landed. The vampire was too caught up in his grief to take any notice of what was happening. He had every intention of taking a walk in the sun anyway. What did it matter how he dusted? Another throw and he was through the doors of Willy's bar and in the gutter.

//You're beneath me//

The tears still flowing, he repeated his mantra.

"I failed, I failed, couldn't save you, couldn't protect her, I failed, I failed." The demon kicked him in the chest. "I failed, I failed, let me die, let me die." Kick to the face. "I'm sorry, so sorry, couldn't keep my promise to you." Kick to the face. Blood splattered on the sidewalk.

//You're beneath me//

"I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry , sorry"

"You're pathetic, that's what you are. A pathetic excuse for a demon. But you're not even that anymore."

The deep voice startled Spike out of his thoughts. He looked up, his tear- stained face showing his pain.

"You don't belong here Spike."

Where did he belong now? Who would have him? He was worthless, he had failed.

"Begging to die. Apologising. Pathetic. Leave town Spike. I mean it. I'm not gonna kill you, rather leave you to rot in the gutter, but not in this town. Leave, or I'll come for you."

Spike's gaze dropped to the floor. His tears began flowing again. He felt like he didn't belong anywhere. the demon was right, he needed to leave. Nobody wanted him. Waiting until his attacker had gone back into the bar, he picked himself up, taking unnecessary breath. For the second time that night his body numbed. For the second time, his feet guided him. This time, they guided him home.

---

When Dawn finally managed to get some time alone, away from Giles, the first thing she did was sneak out of the back door of the magic shop and go to find Spike. He had been badly hurt from falling off the tower. She needed to see him. He made her feel safe. Everyone was crying and too caught up in grief over her sisters' death, that they seemed almost withdrawn. Dawn's fear so long ago that she wasn't a real person had just come true. She was invisible to them. To the people who had made her only comfort feel unwanted. Feel as if he didn't belong. She headed to Spike's crypt. It was the only place he could possibly be. When she got there, the vampire was nowhere to be seen. She waited.

---

Spike stumbled into his crypt, unaware that he had a visitor. He slammed the heavy door shut and feel to the floor. The tears were still falling, he had blood all over his face and he was still chanting. A warm hand on his shoulder startled him out of his reverie.

"Buffy?"

The hand pressed harder. "It's me Spike."

The vampire let out a large sigh. "Dawn? What are you doing here? You should."

//They made the key into a sister//

"I thought you were." he trailed off.

"I know. I came to see how you were. You look like shit."

"Well,"

"What happened?"

"Got beat up. nothing new there. Don't belong. nothing new there either."

"You do Spike. You belong. I want you here, it's just, the others, they're."

"I know. I'm a monster. I failed." He sobbed. "I'm so sorry Bit, I. I."

She moved further towards him and put her arms around his front, pressing herself into his back. He could feel her broken heart beating; feel her warmth surrounding him.

"I have to leave Nibblet."

"But.I don't want you to go. You made a promise, you said you'd look after me, said you'd be here. Please Spike." Dawn was crying now. "Don't go, I don't know what I'll do if you."

With one swift move, the vampire pulled her into his lap, cradling her into his chest. Her warm tears soaked through his shirt, and her sobs rang in his ears. The pair sat for a few moments, the sobs forming conversation in the darkened crypt.

Dawn broke the silence.

"Where are you going to go?"

"I don't know. I'll find somewhere."

"How will I find you?"

"I'll find you Nibblet."

"But."

"No buts now, you need to get back, it's nearly dawn, you should be safe, they're probably out searching for you."

"Doubt it."

"They love you."

"They love her."

"And they love you Dawn. They're just grieving, like you are. They need you, and you need them."

"And you? I need you too Spike."

"I'll always be there for you. And I'll always love you. Don't forget that."

He placed a kiss on her forehead.

"You get goin' now."

Dawn stood and wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked down at the vampire who had loved her sister. Who had become her friend. She remembered how he had come to save her from Doc, remembered all the times they had spent together. More tears threatened to fall as she looked away from him and walked out of the crypt into the sunrise.

Spike didn't turn to watch her leave. Instead, he sat in silence until her footfalls were out of his hearing range. The sun was rising, there was nowhere for him to go now. Temptation set in to open the door to the outside and walk to his fate, but he was stopped by his thoughts. Thoughts of Buffy walking in the sun, smiling. She had never looked happier. Thoughts of her smile as she sat on his knee. Thoughts of the way she looked at him as if he were more than the monster he was. Her lips on his, so soft, so soft.

He slept. And as he did, he dreamt that he had saved her. That he had brought Dawn down from the tower and saved Buffy from her sacrifice. That she had given him thanks for fulfilling his promise. That he had not failed.

He woke as her lips pressed against his. He sensed that darkness had not long fallen. Standing, he turned and looked around his home.

//What you did for Dawn and me, that was real//

It was time to leave. As he opened the door, he spoke four words.

"I love you Buffy."

Then he walked off into the night.



TBC