Extremely grateful thanks to Justy for not only putting up with me, but also supplying me with a couple of pieces of crucial information...
Cracked
Before Lexia could wonder at the battle cry, a compact form barrelled into the Werrat's stomach, driving the strange beast back a pace.
"Who do you be? Oi do think you be an appetiser," the Werrat observed, moving to grab the compact form.
"Wrong, fuzzball," answered a voice. "You might wanna put the Leprechaun down."
"And why should Oi be wanting to do that?"
"Because," replied the Leprechaun, "I bite."
Despite the situation, Lexia was hard pushed to swallow the laughter that bubbled up at that response -- especially when she caught the amazed expression on the Werrat's face. Amazement that swiftly turned to anguish as 'The Leprechaun' (James, she realised) sank his teeth into the fleshy forearm holding him prisoner. The Werrat bellowed in pain and rage, dropping James instantly.
He rolled aside and a moment later blaster fire echoed through the courtyard. It took Lexia barely a moment to realise the voice had belonged to JJ, and only a moment more before she recalled he wasn't the only one with a blaster.
"You do be making me mad!" howled the Werrat. "Oi do be thinking..."
"That you talk too damn much," cut in Lexia, firing her blaster. "You wanted lunch? Well chew on that."
Her first shot took the beast in the throat while her second pierced its chest at roughly heart level.
The Werrat fell, its body hitting the ground with a wet gurgle. For a second, Lexia felt a sense of jubilation. She'd beaten it -- they'd beaten it. But hot on the heels of that feeling was the realisation that she'd actually killed a living, breathing being.
"Oh my God..."
Her stomach lurched and her knees gave out as the smell of charred flesh drifted from the Werrat's corpse. She collapsed to the paving and threw up.
"Hey, easy..." She was aware of a soothing hand stroking down her back, gently offering comfort. "It's OK."
For several moments, they held the tableau. As her stomach finally stopped heaving, JJ gently pulled her into his lap and just cradled her.
"You OK?" he asked.
"I...will be...I think," Lexia replied hesitantly.
"That the first time...?" JJ's question trailed off.
Humiliation surfaced as she finally regained control over her rebellious stomach. "Some tough Guardian I am," she muttered, pulling free of his embrace.
"Hey -- it's OK," JJ replied. "Death shouldn't be easy."
"Did you throw up the first time you killed someone?" Lexia retorted.
JJ shook his head. "Only because I didn't have a chance to think about it at the time. Later...later it definitely hit me. Someone found me puking my guts up in the men's locker room at SGHQ. Talk about embarrassing. They gave me a good piece of advice, though."
In spite of herself, Lexia found herself waiting to hear the advice.
"He told me that, in a light fight...like the one I'd been through...the guy I'd burned down would have burned me down in a heartbeat. Either I shot him, or he would have shot me -- or shot one of my team-mates. Same sitch here. The Werrat was gonna turn you into his next meal. You didn't have any choice. Him or you."
There was good sense in the words. Lexia knew there was. And yet... "It's not that simple."
"No," agreed James, joining the conversation for the first time, "nor should it be."
At the lack of condemnation from either of her companions, Lexia found her embarrassment subsiding.
There was a lengthy pause, then James added, "We need to get moving again. We have one more yard to cross -- then we're there."
"Only one more?" JJ queried.
"Yep," James agreed. "The Fieries inhabit it. They're not dangerous," he mused thoughtfully, "but they do have a very strange sense of humour."
~*~
Eric grimaced at Shawn's pronouncement. He hated feeling helpless, particularly when it was members of his family in danger. There had to be something to be done...something useful...
"OK. Rick: Take Shawn back to SGHQ's med-centre so that he can get patched up, then get back here. As our resident comm. tech, we're going to need you to figure out whatever it is that's causing the jamming and get it fixed."
"Yes, sir."
Rick sounded reluctant. Coupled to the brief look of horror that flashed across the faces of both Rick and Shawn at the order, Eric was hard pushed not to smile. I hate to think what they did to Jackson before he'd let Shawn go...
As Rick and Shawn vanished in a flash of teleportation sparkles, Eric continued, "Everyone else, let's get this place cleaned up, locked down and secure." It wasn't much, he reflected, and it wouldn't last long -- but at least it was something to be doing.
~*~
John swung by his ankles, suspended from the tree by a length of rope. Just what my day was missing.
"Yahah!" The strange sound -- part whoop part yelp -- echoed through the courtyard once more and with it this time came three very strange creatures.
They were about four feet tall with long spindly arms and legs attached to a pear shaped body. Their heads were pudgy and round, with tapered snouts, wide eyes and ludicrously large, floppy ears. Topping off the look, all three of them were covered in orange fur that tended from a pale-pastel colour for their legs and arms to an eye-hurting Day-Glo version for their ridiculous ears. Set against the pink backdrop, the effect was unsettling to say the least.
"Yah -- wot dis?" questioned one.
"Dis pet," said a second.
"Nah-nah. Dis day-cor." The third was clearly the leader. "Dis not pet. Dis not an-mal."
"Oh great. Orange Jar-Jar Binkses," John muttered.
"It spek?" questioned First.
"Nah-nah. It not spek..."
"I did spek...speak," John interrupted.
"Nah-nah." Third was insistent. "Is day-cor. Is not spek. Is not an-mal."
"I'm not..." But John's protest died in an instant as Second suddenly tugged at his uniform shirt.
"Dis not day-cor. Dis wrap'in," said Second.
"It...hey!"
"Hm -- point got." Third grinned, oblivious of John's half made protest. "We hang where peps see!"
John yelped as Second yanked off his shirt with one surprisingly strong tug.
"No good. More wrap'in."
"It's not...hey -- you leave that...hey!"
John tried to fend off Second and Third as they attempted to remove the rest of his clothing, but hanging upside down, there was little he could do to prevent his tormentors -- particularly as he learned the reason for the ridiculous ears: Flight. As Third tugged at his undershirt, Second flapped its ears and -- to John's mixed astonishment and horror -- took off. Moments later and the airborne creature started to tug at his pants.
"Yahah!"
The noise was even more ear-splitting and irritating close-up. Particularly given it heralded the successful removal of his undershirt. Maybe they won't be able to... But that thought died an instant death as Third now joined Second in tugging at his pants. With a ripping of cloth, the pants gave way.
"Yahah!"
"Ooh -- me licks, me licks!" bounced First. "But it no match."
"Hm -- point got," agreed Second, making a tug at John's boxers.
"You can leave them alone!" John yelped, flailing his hands in the direction of Second and Third. He groaned. He couldn't see how this situation could get any worse.
Then it promptly did.
"Hm -- we paint," said Third. "Me lick dis." And it made a gesture in the direction of the boxer shorts.
"Oooh -- paint, paint, paint!" bounced First.
"Me gets," said Second.
"Me got," said Third, producing what looked like...
John felt his heart sink. It looked for all the world like an airbrush spray-can. "No."
"You paint?" Third suggested, holding the can to First.
"Me do!"
But just as First's ears started to twitch, blaster fire erupted from entrance to the courtyard.
Laser blasts exploded either side of John, sending Second and Third scattering and sending First scampering away.
"Yahah! Intruders!" shrieked Third.
"What the hell am I if I'm not?" John yelled.
"Day-cor!"
To his absolute horror, John realised that it wasn't just the orange creatures who informed him of that. He recognised Lexia's voice in the chorus. Looking to the source of the blaster bolts; John found his heart sinking like a stone. Not only Lexia. Also the other Silver Guardian and what looked like a Leprechaun. And worse, all three of them were grinning.
"It be arze!" yelled Second. "Youz get own day-cor."
"No dice, Jar-Jar," said the other Guardian. "He's ours. Now, unless you wanna get your orange asses fried..." Underlining his point, he triggered off a blaster bolt that exploded just short of Second's position.
"Yahah!"
John wanted to be relieved by the obvious sounds of departure on the part of the orange creatures. Unfortunately, relief was in short supply because as the orange creatures departed, Lexia led the Silver Guardian and the Leprechaun into the courtyard and he could see the outright amusement on her face.
Just kill me now. Aloud, he said, "You guys have great timing -- you know that?"
"So I see," said the Guardian, smirking. "Too much longer and they'd have had you framed and mounted."
"Um...yeah."
"Nice...look," said Lexia, clearly biting the inside of her cheek trying not to laugh.
"Look -- do you think you could let me down?" John asked.
"Maybe," said the Leprechaun, a wide grin on his face. "But got to say..."
"...love the threads," finished the Guardian.
With that, all three dissolved into uncontrollable laughter. John looked up...and found himself blushing as his eyes fell on the one item of clothing he was still wearing. His boxer shorts. A pair of boxer shorts that had a leopard-skin design, which included a tail printed across the rear.
Please -- just let me die of embarrassment and humiliation now.
"Wow -- look; he's blushing all over!" exclaimed the Leprechaun.
"I didn't know you could do that," admitted the Guardian.
"Guys," said Lexia, as severely as she could, considering her own laughter, "we ought to get him down."
The Guardian sighed a little, and -- still smiling -- nodded. "True."
"Tell you what," said the Leprechaun. "I'll..." There was a sort of a bampf noise and the Leprechaun disappeared, to reappear on the tree branch John was tied to. "...pop up here and untie him, then you two can catch him."
"Sounds like a plan, James," said Lexia.
"A Leprechaun called James?" echoed John weakly as Lexia and the other Guardian moved into position to catch him.
"You got a problem with that, Leopard-boy?" enquired James from the branch. "I can always leave you here for the Fieries to frame and mount..."
"No -- no problem just..." But the sound of snickering told John he'd been 'had'. Again. Please, take mercy on me and kill me now...
It took a little more doing than James had made it sound, but eventually, John was freed and gently set down on the flagstones of the courtyard by Lexia and the other Guardian.
"See if any of your gear's still wearable," Lexia recommended. "Unless you have a real hankering to show up back in the warehouse, in front of Taylor and probably the 'rents too just dressed in those..."
"They were a joke gift from my sister," John muttered.
"Alice has a weird sense of humour," Lexia replied.
John did as she'd recommended, but to his consternation, the only item of clothing he could find in the courtyard was his pants -- and they'd been completely shredded by the creatures -- Fieries, as James had called them -- efforts at removing them.
"JJ -- think he could borrow your shirt?" Lexia asked.
The other Guardian, JJ, grinned. "Sure."
John eyed the other man dubiously as he shrugged out of his equipment harness and started to unbutton his uniform shirt. "It's gonna be huge on me."
"Which would you prefer," Lexia replied, "something or nothing?"
John held his hands up. "Not arguing..."
"Just anticipating more amusement," JJ suggested, this time a good deal of sympathy in his words as he handed over the shirt.
"Thanks -- and yeah." John sighed and pulled on the borrowed shirt. JJ was a good four inches taller than he was. Somewhat to his surprise, though, the shirt wasn't too much longer than his own had been. The real problem was the sleeves, which he had to roll up several times before he could truly find his hands.
"There -- not so bad is it?" said Lexia.
"If we're finished," said James, who was still sitting on the tree branch, "we need to be going."
"Going?" echoed John, even as James made another bampf and rejoined them on the ground.
"We'll fill you in on the way," said Lexia.
~*~
"Not good."
Alice could only watch as Paul paced the chamber.
It was a strange room. Completely circular in nature and lacking any kind of windows, it had a high-domed ceiling almost like a renaissance chapel, except that the ornate carving that had been done gave the impression of something far more gothic. The guttering torches that lit the room, causing the carvings to cast all manner of weird shadows, aided that aspect.
When she had come round from the stun-blast Alice had found herself imprisoned in the centre of the chamber. The first thing she'd done had been try to escape -- but her bonds were too strong. She'd tried screaming for help, but there hadn't seemed to be anyone else around. It seemed as though whoever had kidnapped her had just abandoned her here.
Wherever here was.
That had been a few hours ago, she thought. Barely half an hour ago, however, she'd discovered that she wasn't alone in this place -- and she'd learned who her kidnapper was -- when Paul had burst into the chamber, muttering and cursing. He'd ignored her, so far, concentrating, instead, on the crystal he'd been holding when he'd entered.
"Why?" Alice asked at this most recent outburst, not expecting a reply.
"They were not supposed to get this far!"
Alice blinked. The reply made no sense. "Who weren't?"
Paul barely spared her a glance as he continued to frantically pace. "They. It's that Leprechaun's fault!"
OK, do I really want this explanation? Alice wondered. "What Leprechaun?"
"The Leprechaun... Oh this will never do!" He started towards the door. "I must make ready. They must not win!"
And with that, he whirled out, leaving Alice alone once more.
~*~
As they made their way through the final section of the maze, Lexia explained the situation to John and tried to ignore the hormonal, teenage portion of her mind that was busily drooling over the state of undress of both JJ and John.
"So this whole maze is some kinda test?" John asked.
"Yep."
"And Alice is the prize, if you defeat it?"
"Yep."
"Where does James fit in?"
"I want out," said James himself. "I can't get out without someone beating the maze -- and without me being with that someone when it happens."
"What about you," JJ said. "What're you doing here?"
"Ah...that."
Lexia's eyebrows rose at the sheepish tone to John's reply. "What did you do?"
"I..."
"Lexia? JJ? Thank God!" Lexia found herself facing Paul. "I..."
"Who are you?" John cut in.
Lexia blinked. Gone was the sheepishness and embarrassment. In their place was a hardened, business-like tone that carried just a hint of threat to it. "John?"
"I'm Paul Jones," Paul answered. "I'm a Silver Guardian..."
"Are you?" John asked sharply.
"What's your problem?" JJ muttered. "He is -- I've known him three years or so."
"I believe you," John responded. "It's him I don't believe."
"John?"
"Who is this guy?" Paul cut in, looking confused. "Lexia...you know me..."
In speaking, Paul took a step forwards and reached out to take hold of her shoulder. Before she could do or say anything, John had dived between her and Paul, sending the other man back several paces.
"You don't ever touch her," he hissed.
"John?"
"This isn't Paul," John replied.
"How do you know?" JJ asked, dubious.
"Because," John answered, "I know where the real Paul Jones is, and it ain't here."
"You had to be so smart..." In a blur, 'Paul' had grabbed John's arm and twisted it up into a painful hold. "I was going to play nicely but thanks to your little pal here...any of you move; I snap his arm like a twig."
"You're not Paul," said JJ.
"Give the man a banana," 'Paul' shot back. "So naïve it's almost refreshing. You saw me stun Blondie and you still think I might actually be your friend." From the way John's face creased up, he tightened his grip. "And you, Alexandria, are you so naïve as to believe you're really going to defeat me?"
The realisation washed over Lexia like a wave of cold water. "Mirracon."
He smirked, even as his appearance rippled into that of the grey, sculpted mutant she and JJ had met at the start of this quest. "I was right -- I am known. You might have put a spoke in my plans; I might not be trapping your parents in here, but what better way to destroy them than to rip their children away from them?"
"You," John growled, "are such a walking cliché."
"And you are in no position to criticise." So saying, Mirracon tightened his grip even more.
Lexia heard the snap of bone as Mirracon's hand crushed John's wrist even over the groan/gasp of pain John made.
"He might not be," said James, "but I am. And I've had just about all I can stand of you, you overblown rock pile!"
Even as James spoke, he was springing forwards, only to be sent flying backwards, into a nearby wall, by a simple gesture of Mirracon's free hand. The thud of James' head hitting the stonework was sickening.
"Stop it!" Lexia screamed.
And everything froze.
TO BE CONTINUED...
