You know how when your in love - or in this case, think your in love - with someone it's suppose to be so wonderful? Flowers and butterflies. Chocolate and champagne.

Isn't that what it's suppose to be?

Well that's what I hear. That's what they tell you don't they? They probably find it amusing. Playing us like that.

Because it isn't like that. At least for me.

For me love is two things - pain and suffering.

And, for instance, if you do not even know the person you love, it's all for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Maybe it's just a way to punish ourselves. If we're bad, we fall in love. And get are hearts puréed in a blender.

And that pain will never go away.

Like for me. I can't listen to certain songs anymore. Without that flashback. That pang. I can't eat Oreos either. The best cookie in the world, and I can't fucking eat it without breaking down.

So much for love.

Chapter 2

After the incident I was confused. Very confused.

But it had obviously been a mistake. A lapse of judgment. I tried to go on with my life.

But why did it have to be a mistake? Maybe it was just...right.

Little by little I noticed something was changing. I found myself thinking about him all the time.

French class was the worst. I'd just sit there and write his name all over my binder Which is something I never do.

I mean don't get me wrong. I've had crushes before. But I NEVER wrote someone's name all over my binder. And during school? Unheard of. I'm not like that. I'm not boy crazy. I don't write "Mrs. Rory Whatever" all over everything.

I'm not like that.

Or I wasn't.

I started getting pangs. Yes pangs, literally. The kind of PANG where you're absolutely floored for a minute. Just floored. By how wonderful he is.

But I couldn't tell anyone. Everyone knew. But I wasn't going to admit to it. Never. I never admit to anything.

I'm not like that.

Now at this point your all thinking "Oh my god, I've had a million of these crushes. What is she on about?" And I don't blame you. Everyone has crushes like this. I have. You have. Everyone.

It's normal.

But this one wasn't normal. Something was wrong this time. Because I really liked him. I did. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.

Perfect.

Ideal.

I didn't have to make anything up.

And it was the most wonderful feeling in the world for a while. To know someone like him was out there....

And then I woke up. And he wasn't there. He wasn't going to be there. Ever.

And that's when it started to get scary.