Through A Mirror Darkly
And now I speak to you are you in there
You have her face and her eyes
But you are not her
Can't stop loving
Can't stop what is on its way
And I see it coming
And it's on its way
-Bells for Her, Tori Amos
Chapter 4- The red string of fatE
She stepped outside, unseen.
Moonlight poured down like silver water, turning the land into a white patchwork of shadows, images only and lacking in mystery and depth to her eyes. The world seemed cold; she wanted to curl up in bed under warm blankets and find comfort there in the familiar routine of sickness. Mama would bring her green tea, and antibiotics or aspirin, and she would feel better after a good long sleep without fevered bad dreams.
No green tea awaited her. No aspirin, no comforting Mama. The nightmare was real and the sickness was that of her heart. A physical ache had settled into her stomach over the day, growing stronger the more she found herself mechanically moving to help Kikyou save Onigumo's life. The memory of his blistered face was burned into her thoughts. She could see it every time she closed her eyes. Disgust, fear, loathing, pity. Dread. Yes, a sense of dread. Yes, of foreboding, of doom. She knew what aiding him meant. But what else could she do? Ask Kikyou to leave a wounded man to die? To stop breathing and let horrible injuries consume him instead of youkai?
She knew what the miko would say. It was the same thing she would, if she and the others found a wounded man on their journeys. Stop, help, it's the right thing to do. You can't just leave an injured man to die alone. What kind of terrible person would just let someone die? Especially not knowing who and what he had the potential to become? It rankled, unsettling her and keeping her awake. That face, the thought of what was to come.
Her feet strayed forward, seeking out that nonexistent source of comfort. Kagome had moved as silently as she could out of the hut she was trapped sharing, sliding the shoji closed with the faintest of clicks. Kikyou would know she left, Kagome thought with a twinge of worry. She probably slept lightly, probably watched her. No, that was just paranoia talking, and she tried to scold herself for it. Kikyou was not some all pervading, nebulous monster watching her every move like a hawk. Baka.
Picking up her pace, she slipped past the teimizu-ya and its trickling flow of icy black water, and down the stone steps and through the torii. She avoided the Goshinboku, skirting around it. Part of her wanted to touch it, to feel connected to her home, but she didn't want to look at anything that regarded what was supposed to be the near future, not right now.
Brushing past the night clothed branches and brambles, she wound her way to the Bone Eater's Well. Late that evening, when she and Kikyou had finally returned to the village, they had quickly issued orders for the removal of the youkai carcass in the field. It seemed like an afterthought now, but looking down, there lay the crooked, jutting skeleton of the weasel.
Down, down there where she should be able to jump and land in her own time.
If Naraku were born. Only if Naraku were born.
Did it have to come?
She closed her eyes a moment, almost twitching. There were such issues in her world, of course. Euthanasia. Mercy killing. It made sense, and was a valid argument. Onigumo was a quadriplegic, essentially. Even with the technology and care of her era, he could never hope to achieve full health again. Here, in this sengoku jidai? Here he would be fated to live the life of a hopeless cripple, surviving off of Kikyou's goodwill and kindness. Kindness? It seemed almost alien to think of the miko as simply being kind. Kagome was too accustomed to the way her time's Kikyou tried to manipulate or control their fates. This Kikyou didn't have any other plans for Onigumo. What could she possibly have?
If he did die, though...say, quietly, maybe with a blanket pressed to his face...she shuddered. It would change things, yes, change things. For the better, right? All he had done...or would do. Averted, by the simple application of a pillow. It seemed surreal. Miroku-sama's curse, gone. His entire family, beginning with his grandfather, would be spared. No more kazaana. She knew he'd be happy about that. Sango-chan probably would be too, now that she thought about it. A smile strayed to her face momentarily. That would definitely make that situation better. Assuming, of course, they still met in the future...
Sango-chan's family would never have died. Her village wouldn't have been destroyed by Naraku's summoning the vengeful youkai there, Kohaku would never have been controlled, never fallen into Naraku's hands, never used against them. He'd be happy, and normal, living with the other taiji-ya, and learning how to fight alongside his elder sister.
Indirectly, maybe even Shippou...Hiten and Manten had been high on shikon shards when they attacked his parents. On a normal level of power, maybe the kitsune pair could have fended them off...or just escaped. Without Kikyou's taking the tama with her into death, it being reincarnated into Kagome, and Kagome's accidental breaking of it...Shippou would still have his parents, too.
Then there were the others, all affected by Naraku, down the months they'd traveled. Not to mention the others like Shippou, several steps indirectly down the line of influence.
All possibly prevented by the mighty weapon of the pillow.
She sighed.
Onigumo, evil as he was, had not yet done anything wrong. Was it right to kill a man for crimes he had not yet committed? The future hadn't happened yet. But it would. He would kill, murder, betray, corrupt, and use trickery. He deserved to die. And how easily she could do it.
Kagome sank to the ground, back to the lip of the well, curling her arms around her legs and hugging them to herself, wishing there was someone there with her, to lend some comfort. Mama would be nice. She always was kind and comforting. Mama almost never got mad. Sango-chan would be good to talk to. She covered her eyes with her hands, fighting back tears pressing from stress and loneliness.
Inuyasha couldn't protect her now. No, Inuyasha didn't even know her now...much less want to try to gruffly provide comfort.
In this time, he was probably in love with Kikyou. Yes, he would have to be. Kaede said he'd been hanging around for weeks. They already knew each other long before Onigumo came onto the scene. It wasn't fair. She was supposed to be in her sengoku jidai, and she was supposed to be hoping that maybe someday he really would love her. Her, Kagome. Not her previous incarnation, Kikyou. The same soul, shared between two. Odd, though. Both in the same time, souls seemingly unaffected by the other's presence. Maybe signs hadn't shown up yet...or maybe they wouldn't at all. This was her soul, not Kikyou's. Same, but different. She was Kagome, born in the future, in Tokyo. Kikyou was a miko born in the past, the sengoku jidai. The same soul...had her incarnation of it simply traveled back with her?
She always said she was Kagome, not Kikyou. And she wasn't. But still. First Kaede, then that woman in the village, then Kikyou's recognition. They did appear alike, mirror images that didn't reflect quite perfectly. The first impressions they would have, real impressions, would be of how much she looked like Kikyou.
Warm tears began to wet her cheeks, trickling over her fingertips as she squeezed them shut more tightly, fighting against the confusion.
Leaves rustled beyond her. Then, roughly, "Kikyou?"
Emerging reluctantly from the brush before her, was a white haired figure clothed in red, golden eyes glowing faintly in the waning moonlight.
The questions that whirled in her mind died into nothingness, as she took sight of him, nervously edging closer to her with wary eyes.
Inuyasha. It was Inuyasha!
The expression of disbelieving joy that suddenly bloomed on Kikyou's face startled him, almost to the point of making him skitter backwards, so unfamiliar the look was. Instead he froze, eyes wide and staring, unsure how to react. This wasn't normal at all. Where was her sad face? Her lonely eyes?
He had picked up her scent and followed it, since it was somewhat strange for her to be wandering about in the middle of the night. She could take care of herself, but who knew what was out here? Other than him, of course. Until that expression filled her face, he had planned on finding out what was wrong; she was crying, quietly, softly, and that was completely unlike her. It worried him, but this...this just panicked him.
"K...Kikyou?"
Saying her name seemed to break the spell of her sudden happy mood, the smile slowly falling as a more familiar weight settled into her eyes. She had begun to rise at his arrival, and now stopped, sitting back and letting her hands clench on the grasses that bent around her. Not meeting his gaze, she mumbled, "Kagome."
"What?"
Her head snapped up, nearing anger for a moment. "My name! My name is Kagome." Her eyes rounded, and she looked again at the ground, echoing her words from so long ago, bitterly. "Kagome. Ka-go-me."
"What the hell are you talking about?" he snarled back, now thoroughly confused and trying to find a way out of it. Kikyou didn't play stupid name games, what the hell was going on?
"Check your nose again," the stranger snapped back, scowling. Then she deflated once more, picking at the long white sleeve of her clothing. "Then again, I am wearing her clothes on top of it..."
She sure didn't act like Kikyou. He stood still, watching her fiddle with the hem of her sleeve, then rub her closed eyes, as though steeling herself for some ordeal, while a pained expression settled on her features.
"My name is Kagome," she repeated, slowly, thickly. "I am staying with Kikyou," she stumbled over the name, recovering as best she could, "and Kaede for awhile. She just lent me some clothes..."
Inuyasha continued to stare. If this wasn't Kikyou, then he should leave. But the way the girl talked was strange. Like she knew him. His nose was telling him that it was her, that it had to be, but she was definitely not behaving normally. If she really wasn't Kikyou, who was this girl?
"Who are you?"
"I just told you," she repeated sourly, "Kagome."
He tried not to howl in frustration. This was getting nowhere, and he didn't want to- or need to- talk to some strange woman he didn't know, even if she did look like Kikyou. "Feh, I don't care who you are," he snarled, backing away. But before he could turn and leave, she was stumbling to her feet, crying for him to wait.
"What?" he demanded, now standing in the shadows of the trees, glad they were hiding him from the full view of the stranger. She looked strangely desperate, hopeful somehow, though it was tentative, as though expecting to receive disappointment at whatever words escaped her lips.
"You've been trying to get the Shikon no Tama, haven't you?" she blurted, the words hasty and not well planned. She wanted him to stay. Just to stay, just to be there. She wanted to run forward and hug him and bury her face in the fabric of his haori and pretend that this was just another bad dream and it was over, all over, and that it wasn't real. The Shikon no Tama was the first thing to fly into her mind.
Kagome knew she had said the wrong thing when his glinting eyes lowered in the darkness, growing narrower and more dangerous, patently suspicious of her. Her heart began to pound harder, now thudding in her ears instead of the engulfing silence she experienced before, barely aware that a low growling noise was crossing the distance between them. Inuyasha looked so feral this way, as though stalking prey, eyes intent, body lowered, claws out to his sides as though ready to spring and strike. It was a stance that preceded the Sankon Tetsusou, only turned against her once, when she had first arrived, and he had been trying to take the tama from her. It was a sharp reminder that this Inuyasha was not hers, who implicitly trusted her. She didn't want to be on the receiving end of his anger, or distrust. They were so far past that, now...but to say too much to this Inuyasha may goad him into striking.
"I just wanted to say...I'm really sorry, for what Kaede did this morning," she tried, holding her hands outward, palm up, signaling peace. "She...she won't do it again!"
The glowing eyes darted slightly to the side, as though considering something for a moment. The tension eased slightly, but was far from breaking. His eyes blinked, winking out for an instant and returning. "You were the one with the brat this morning. Not her."
"Yes...that was me...I..."
He cut her off. "So why didn't you just shoot me? What, no arrows?"
"Hey!" Kagome snapped back, putting her fists on her hips. "I don't want to shoot you."
"Oh, what, am I not worth the arrows to you, either?" he spat in reply. A grimace of pain glanced across Kagome's face. He wanted to use the tama to be a full youkai, then? Was he just saying that to make her angry? Or was he yet undecided?
"Maybe if you were trying to kill me. But I'm unarmed, and I don't think you'd try to. I don't have anything you want."
Pushing slightly forward, his face began to reemerge into the dim moonlight, and she could see the constant wariness engraved into his features. "Heh. You're awfully trusting."
She shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. She needed to be in control of this, no matter how hard it was. "And you're awfully strong. I wouldn't be much fun to kill...besides, you don't look like you eat humans," she finished, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
"Heh," he emerged further into the light, an amused look mingling with the suspicion. He thought he had won the argument, but Kagome knew better. Even if this wasn't her Inuyasha, it was still Inuyasha, and as long as he thought he was in charge, then she was fine. "Better watch out though, unarmed miko are good targets for those who do."
"You'd protect me," Kagome replied, almost absently in her relief for not being on the receiving end of a Sankon Tetsusou. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she clamped it shut, mind screaming at her for being an idiot. This was a bad idea, talking to him. Very, very bad. She should have known better, her mouth would run away with itself and she'd be in serious trouble.
The amusement vanished from his face, and he was again openly antagonistic, posturing for a fight once more, knuckles cracking as he flexed them. "And why the hell would I do an asinine thing like that?"
Panic seized her for a moment, then she managed, "Because it'd be insulting to you if some lesser youkai killed me before you did, after leaving me alone."
He actually laughed, the barking sound harsh to her ears. It wasn't happy laughter. His laughter, rare as it was, hadn't sounded so forced to her in ages. "Then I guess you're just lucky, whoever you are."
"I said my name is-"
"Yeah, yeah, Kagome. Ka-go-me," he mimicked badly, earning a scowl from her, which caused him to grin in triumph. "Just keep that brat from throwing those damn rocks at me again, or I'll have to slice her up," he finished, flexing his claws a final time. There was the sound of cloth flapping in the air, and before she could stop him again, he was gone, vanished into the shadows of the night, leaving her standing still in the darkness.
That was not her Inuyasha.
Inuyasha was not supposed to be suspicious of her. Not anymore.
He wasn't supposed to threaten her, not supposed to glare at her with any hatred.
Inuyasha wasn't supposed to laugh with such bitterness.
His heart wasn't made of stone, not towards her. It was pliant, growing gentle, more caring, no matter how rough his exterior always seemed to be. Her Inuyasha had friends, friends like a family. But there were no friends here. No little-brother Shippou, no best-friend Miroku, no sisterly Sango. Even Kaede, as a child, threw rocks at him, thinking him just another youkai after the tama. And, strangely, maybe he was. This was not her hero, not the one she loved. Were they really the same boy? The same man?
It wasn't right.
No.
No, it was definitely not right. This wasn't a good life for him. What good would come of living that way? Running around in the forests doing who knew what, when he wasn't busy trying to get to the shrine of the tama. He deserved better than that. He had better than that, in the fifty-years-ahead future. He was happier with her and the others. Didn't things in this time happen for a reason? Fate...didn't fate choose the path they took? Ultimately, walking that path, it brought him to a better situation. To friends who were like family...and, well, if she was part of that family, well then so much the better. A future different from the one she knew seemed scorching to her mind.
Inuyasha wasn't supposed to stay in this time. He was supposed to be shot to that tree, he was supposed to sleep for fifty years, he was supposed to reawaken when she pulled that purifying arrow out of his chest, and they were supposed to look for the shards of the damned Shikon no Tama together! Was it right to change what had been? Of course not...temporal distortions could happen. Who knew how large?
All she had to do was nothing. And it was so easy to do nothing. Just step aside, right? Just let that bastard Naraku be born, just let him do what he was supposed to do, let things happen the way they should, Inuyasha could be hers...
Kagome pounded a fist into the trunk of a tree, feeling it shiver up into its higher branches, a few straggling leaves floating downward from above, loosened at the impact. Doing nothing was not easy.
Naraku deserved to die. He should die. He would die, in the future. They would see to that, Inuyasha and herself, and the others. She could do it now. Before it even happened. It would be as though it never even was. Her life, here in the sengoku jidai led up to that sole purpose.
And the price? The price was the life of Kikyou, her enemy, her rival.
Wouldn't it really be better if she just died?
Kagome shuddered at the thought.
Future knowledge, at least, did hold a terrible power.
teimizu-ya: The basin of running water at the entrance of a shrine, used for purification rituals
torii: The arches over shrine entrances, usually painted red
This chapter is just a slight bit shorter than the others- I hope I made up in content for what it lacks in length. ^_^ Chapter 4 truly needed to be stand-alone, due to what happens- and the next chapter doesn't have a good spot to break it up at.
It really was just a matter of time before Inuyasha entered the story, making an appearance. I hope this went off well. ^.~
Riddle of the Day: Do you think Kagome will kill Onigumo or not?
Kudos to Miriam and KevinEC! ::throws confetti:: Chapter 3's title was taken from an old (ie. 'original series') Star Trek episode called 'City on the Edge of Forever.' I was trying to think of chapter titles and that came to mind. If anyone out there's seen it...you should be able to tell why. ^.^
And to Azurite (and any others wondering) with the way I've spelled the chapter titles...nope, the capitalization is just that way because I think it's kinda cute. ^.^; Sorry, no grandiose master plan there. ^.~
Til next chapter, 'To Descend on Darkened Wings'
~Queen
Playing this chapter:
hy a Scullyas lyff adlagrow- Aphex Twin
With This Love- Peter Gabriel (choir)
