Through A Mirror Darkly
Not your past,
but your present is what I seek,
carefully winding back on its fragile thread
Please take me there
I want happiness
-from Clover, by Clamp
Chapter 8- To be your happinesS
It was so dark. It was also warm, though there was something cool mingling with it, somewhat damp. Yes, damp. Not soaked, but wet enough and cold enough to raise her skin into gooseflesh. There was also a pleasant, if distant, humming sound vibrating in the air, dispelling some of the tension on Kagome's face. Mama hummed sometimes, when she was working around the house, cooking dinner or cleaning something. Was Mama there? She tried opening her eyes to no avail. They were heavy, weighted down and felt slightly gummy. The humming paused for an instant, then resumed as some of the coolness on her back was removed, and replaced with a tender pulling sensation that was enough to make Kagome jerk her eyes open rather than ease them upward.
The humming abruptly stopped at the sound of her gasp, and she heard a calm, "Can you see me?" A head was tilted downward so that Kagome, finding herself laying flat on her stomach, could, with her head turned, see a slightly sideways face presenting itself to her. Her first response was to jerk back in alarm, causing Kikyou to raise her eyebrows. "You're safe now. The fight is long over."
On Kagome's back, the stinging subsided as she held herself completely still, letting some memory flood back into her mind. Kikyou was taking care of her. Why did that seem, for some insane reason, to make sense at the moment? That wasn't exactly normal. Oh, that was right...nothing was normal right now. She groaned as the first of several dull waves of pain washed through her head. Opening her lips to speak only made her aware of how cottony her mouth felt. Her face puckered up, and an instant later she found Kikyou pressing a shallow bowl full of tea to her lips, while tentatively raising her upward, without turning her on her sore back.
Sweet, almost sickly so, it was enough to rinse out her parched tongue and let her speak. "What happened?"
Slowly, she was returned to the floor and the futon she was spread out on. Her white arms were now tucked in to her sides, and she could feel the presence of bandages on her back. Something big, something painful. A spider. That was right. Sharp, like a knife.
"You were faced with the missing youkai from the battlefield," Kikyou began heavily, beginning to move with her medicines again. At her knee rested a fresh poultice, and Kagome winced at the thought of having it wrapped onto her. "Shinju, Anshou and I-"
"Anshou?" Kagome asked, trying to place a face to the name, and failing.
"Shinju's husband. They accompanied me back to the shrine."
Kagome tried to nod, and closed her eyes in acknowledgment, then dragged them back open. She was so sleepy, and felt so heavy all over.
The poultice was applied, and the feeling of the mashed herbs in their bindings were enough to snap her back to wakefulness as Kikyou continued. "We arrived just as you fell, which was fortunate."
Fell. Yes, she fell...fell getting to... "Kaede! Is Kaede all right?" The thought made her try to move, and she was instantly subdued by a shooting pain across her shoulderblades, collapsing her back to the futon.
"Stay still," Kikyou ordered, placing a calming hand firmly but gently on top of the poultice. "There was no poison to dilute, which was extremely fortunate, but the wound was still deep. Lie still or you may risk opening it again. It has been closed."
The memory of the bladelike leg of that spider...Utagai...slicing into her faded insolently back in. She could feel the keen sharpness of it slashing her clothes and sliding into and up her skin from behind, and the sudden feeling of warm blood. Much deeper, and her spine could've been severed. She shuddered at the thought.
A moment later, Kikyou began talking again. "Kaede-chan is well, considering what you two faced. She has a few bruises and scrapes, and I've told her to take it easy for a day or two, so she's sweeping the yard right now. Shinju and Anshou left this morning. You've been asleep for nearly a day. The rest of that night, and almost all of today. It's evening now. If you feel like staying awake awhile, I can light a couple candles in a few minutes, when the sun is down."
The heaviness warned her against wakefulness. "No," she licked her lips. "Just...tell me anything else...I want to sleep."
Kikyou brushed an errant lock of hair out of Kagome's face so that her eyes could focus where her neck could not turn them. "Your bow is being mended in town. It should be repaired in a day or so."
What was she forgetting? Of course. "And the tama? The Shikon no Tama?"
A curious smile almost formed on Kikyou's face. It was as she had expected. First Kagome wanted to know what happened. Then when she did not mention Kaede, Kaede became her next concern. Last, and only last, came a query about the tama, the reason for all of this in the first place.
"It is safe, back in its shrine where it belongs."
"I'm sorry."
That elicited Kikyou to arch an eyebrow. She could take a fair guess as to what Kagome would be apologizing for. For her short time as the defender of the tama, she had managed to break her bow and nearly loose the object she was defending to a dangerous taiyoukai. It wasn't as though she could flippantly turn the mistake aside and assure her everything was just fine; no, had she and the two taiji-ya not appeared, there would have been severe repercussions. Also, though, Kagome fought her best. Perhaps then, leaving the tama behind was a mistake, but that was one Kikyou had made, if it was a mistake at all. Somehow, she felt it was not.
"Kagome, why did you stand to fight?"
"Eh?"
Kikyou looked thoughtfully down at Kagome, who was giving her a perplexed look, hands tightly gripping the matting of the futon as best the pliant fabric would allow. Her knuckles were white with tension. "Why did you go to help my sister?"
Her confused expression remained, and Kikyou observed this carefully. She was honest. No far flung idealism, no logical precision or calculation as to what that youkai may have been planning. So she was unsurprised when Kagome managed her response. "Because she needed help?"
The smile that was burgeoning finally gave way, and Kagome was startled to see the expression grace the usually grave features of the other miko. It was smothered by a hand a moment later, and there was a sigh. "You know of how dangerous the tama is, Kagome. Why stand and fight with a broken bow and no offense or defense if you knew you stood little to no chance of winning? Are you reckless or are you aware that by running you would have betrayed Kaede to her death, with the Shikon no Tama in your hands?"
It took a moment for the full impact of that statement to reach through her injury befuddled mind and take root. Had she run, she would have left Kaede to die, either selfishly preserving her own life or claiming that her duty towards protecting the tama were more important. To both, she knew better. It would be a foothold of corruption, her guilt on the tama, for a successful Utagai to begin with. She'd seen the pattern played out a thousand times by Naraku, to blacken shards. Sango-chan defied it when she refused to kill Kohaku. Being Kikyou or Kagome did not matter, since both cared for the young girl. How different was knowledgeable abandonment compared to Naraku's desire to see Sango kill her brother with her own hands? Had Kagome actually been Kikyou, the parallel grew even stronger. Sister and brother. Sister and sister.
Utagai, though her arrival was somewhat abrupt, was apparently not a complete fool if she could emulate schemes Naraku would not create for another fifty years.
The dawning of realization formed on Kagome's face, and Kikyou waited until she seemed finished mulling it over. "Do you understand?"
Kagome's hands tightened on the futon again, loosened in wonder at the scope of the thing that had almost happened, and how narrowly it had been avoided. "Yes."
"Do you want to try something to eat?"
She managed to shake her head negatively. "No. I might be sick."
"Then sleep. Kaede will be coming inside to sleep soon, too, so you'll have company."
Kagome winced as she tried to pull her arms under her head as an additional pillow. The shot of pain distracted her for a moment and sent the edges of her vision into darkness. She managed a faint nod of agreement, and her eyes began to droop shut again as Kikyou stood, her red clothes rustling softly in the quiet of the evening. The little sound turned to mute silence, and before she drifted off to sleep again, she vaguely realized that Kikyou meant to not be there the rest of that evening.
With a weary sigh, Kagome turned the page and began skimming over various bits of information about the history of the Tokugawa period. Her books remained sitting in her bookbag the last few days, and with lack of things to do, there in Kikyou and Kaede's home, she had pulled one out to simply occupy herself while alone. Chikara came to visit her once a day, spending about an hour each of the two times so far. Kagome assumed her rapidly returning appetite was her body's way of coping with what she could only guess was a great deal of blood loss in her system after her injury. The last two days had been spent mostly prone on the futon, with Kaede running around and making sure she was properly bandaged, fed, and cared for, with Chikara giving her a respite in the middle of the day. She had slept almost an entire day more after her discussion with Kikyou, and woke to find herself feeling considerably better. Her only times upright until now were long enough to drink down miso soup and eat whatever it was that was being provided for her.
Her back was stiff as could be, but there was no intense pain every time she attempted to twist to see someone over the last couple days. Today, though, the third day after her first awakening, Kagome was sitting upright and getting downright stir crazy. She'd been hunting shards for too long, and was getting anxious from staying in one place now that she felt a bit better. Her back was sore but bandaged tightly, and Kikyou, upon her last inspection, said it was healing cleanly without infection.
The history of the future...or at least, what was the future to these people, not exactly to her...wasn't particularly riveting. So she yawned and sighed and wished for something to do.
"Kagome-sama?" Kaede's bright voice called through the doorway, a moment later drawn aside by the smiling girl, brandishing an altogether too familiar item in her hand. "Look what's finally done."
Setting aside her book, Kagome blinked, then sighed with a small smile. Her bow was finally repaired. Thick cord had been wrapped up the length of the wood to keep it banded together. She was surprised, though, that such a nasty break could still be mended. It didn't matter. It had become her bow, the way her usual bow was in her sengoku jidai. Accepting it from Kaede, she quickly strung it and plucked the string, sending a resonating musical hum through the room. "Thanks, Kaede-chan. Do you think I could go somewhere to test it out?" she asked hopefully, thinking that maybe Kaede would be easier to convince than Kikyou. She had to get out of this room.
Kaede knelt down, folding her arms and shaking her head, looking up at Kagome with wide eyes. "You'll just pull your back and it'll hurt. I don't think practice is that good an idea yet."
Kagome sighed again. Kaede-chan sounding like Kaede-obaachan again. "I'm just getting a case of cabin fever in here...I'd really like to get out for awhile."
"Cabin fever?" Kaede repeated, puzzled.
"Eh...when you're stuck in one place too long, and you want to go outside?" Kagome tried to explain, waving vaguely at the four stout walls of the hut. That Kaede seemed to understand, and she rocked back onto the balls of her feet, mulling it over. "With the windows open, I can tell it's a nice afternoon."
"It is..." Kaede admitted reluctantly. Then she shrugged and plopped down to the floor on her butt. "No practice, or onee-sama will be mad. But we can go down to the lake if you want. The irises are blooming, and onee-sama and I usually go down this time of year. But with everything that's been happening, neither of us have had time to gather any." Seeing the politely attentive look on Kagome's face, she elaborated, "It can be good for medicine. We make some fragrances with it too. And pomanders. Stuff like that, with the blue ones. They're really pretty right about now. It should be safe, since onee-sama said she wouldn't be going too far from the village."
"More excursions around the outer areas?"
A grim nod. "Since that Utagai youkai is gone, some of the smaller ones are starting to come back into the area, since she chased them off, I guess. Onee-sama's been keeping an eye on it while you've been recuperating."
Sure she was. Out all day, by herself. Alone. Right. Kagome's lips twitched into a jealous frown for a moment, but fortunately Kaede was looking around the room and still talking, now about a picnic and what food to take. "It shouldn't take too long to make a couple onigiri and things to take with us for dinner. We can be back by nightfall, and tomorrow we can start pounding some incense and things outside."
Forcing herself to pay attention, Kagome agreed wholeheartedly. "That sounds great. But I've got a few things as far as food already. We can eat some of this," she explained, hauling over her lightened backpack, her books scattered around her. She rummaged through for a moment, pulling her clean school uniform from off the top. It had been days since she'd worn it, instead opting for the clothing of the miko. Yet it remained with her things, the uniform. There if she needed it, there if she wanted it. Slowly, she set it on her lap and withdrew a cup of instant ramen noodles. Kaede-obaachan, of the few times they'd eaten Kagome's trail rations in the village, had liked the chicken kind, and she had some cups of that. It was logical that Kaede-chan would like the same. Inuyasha would be furious if he found out that they'd eaten all the ramen themselves...but Inuyasha...wasn't here. So then they would eat it all. Without...
"Kagome-sama?"
When she started, realizing she was staring at the cardboard cup, she smiled nervously. "It's ramen. Instant ramen. We can cook it up pretty quickly with a fire and all. It's easy." She spoke quickly, wishing she could hide her sudden nervousness. "We can carry it in my bag."
"I'll carry it," Kaede emphasized, looking a bit more the stern grandmother now that Kagome seemed to have snapped out of her reverie. "You can take your bow, just in case."
She chuckled lightly in agreement, plucking the solitary string again, emitting the same low note into the air. Out and about. Fresh air. "That sounds fine."
It took them several minutes to collect everything they needed, as well as empty Kagome's bag of everything but ramen and cooking utensils. Kaede looked like she was about to be swallowed by the volumous yellow folds of the bag once it was strapped to her back, loose since most of its contents were bottom heavy. Kagome carefully situated her quiver of arrows over her left shoulder only, cautious to avoid the tender area of her back and right shoulder that was wrapped. Her bow was in her hand, tightly held.
Kagome followed Kaede as they walked silently. It was a beautiful day, as Kagome had supposed by looking out the windows several times while trapped indoors. The stiffness that remained in her back made her walk more slowly, but it was fine with her now. The snails' pace let her tilt her head back and look up through the leaves of the trees in the forest, dappling her face with light and shadow both. She could see blue sky above and white clouds wisping through the upper atmosphere. Looking up for so long through began to make her shoulder ache. Such a beautiful and violent world, full of contrasts.
It wasn't too long before they reached the river, and a few minutes later, they drew up to a clear area of shorter grass alongside the narrow, pebbly strip of sand at the lake. High cattails screened the quietly lapping water at the shore, a light wind waving them. Among these, Kagome could see the beautiful blue petals of the irises, open to receive the sunlight and drink it as their own nutrition, the cattails not stifling enough sunlight for themselves.
Kaede ran to the water's edge after setting down her burden, and Kagome sat and cooked, warming up the chicken flavored instant ramen and stirring it once she got a fire going with some flint Kaede had insisted on bringing. Of course, a small lighter was tucked away in one of the pouches of the rucksack, but not using the flint Kaede was so careful to pack would have made her feel bad about it. Besides, she'd used the older methods plenty of times now.
Smoke from the campfire rose into the air with the scent of the cooking food, lingering. By that time, Kaede had uprooted several of the rhizomes, and the weaker cyan petals were strewn about them by the time they were done eating.
It was the most relaxing time Kagome had since she had arrived in this sengoku jidai. All other days were filled with work, with pain, with finding things...people...who she would rather have safely tucked away in the past. These were not supposed to be problems she dealt with. Now they were hers, since she had to live among them, even if it was for only a short time. And she hoped with all her heart it was a short time. Perhaps once things were finished...once Kikyou took her fatal blow and Inuyasha fell into his sealed sleep...she could go home.
Was it really just that simple?
No, of course not. Maybe it was easy to think for a second, but knowingly allowing one person to die, and another to be shot in the heart over a trick was not a simple thing. It was never a simple thing. She felt sorry for them. Had things not been how they were supposed to be...would she, her soul, as Kikyou, lived happily with Inuyasha? There was no way to say for certain, yes or no. A scowling, annoyed part of her scolded that of course they wouldn't be.
But of course, it really wasn't that simple. And she should know when her jealousy was speaking instead of her head. Kikyou claimed she wanted to drag Inuyasha off to hell with her. If Kagome let things happen...was that not the same thing? Keeping him just for herself?
She made an annoyed sound, trying to weave some of the flowers Kaede provided into a proper crown. They were getting tangled, and she unwound them to keep them straight. Kaede's was forming a perfect ring in her nimble little fingers, eyes intent on her work and ignoring the new sunset that was blushing the sky. Maybe if she used something sturdier...her eyes fell on the cattails. That could be cute. Some of the younger, smaller ends woven into the loop.
Kagome's standing up caught Kaede's attention, perking up her head to see what Kagome was looking for, and the mess of blooms that were cascading from her lap at her rising. "What's wrong?"
Frowning, she looked around the campsite, mostly tidied up from the meal that still had Kagome full. Without the entire group to eat and share, the food lasted a lot longer, and she'd ended up with a bigger portion. "I'm going to cut a couple cattails. Where's the knife?"
"I can do it...you sit, or you'll..."
"Pull my back, I know, stop sounding like an obaa-san," Kagome suddenly bit her lip, realizing that could sound a bit harsh. She tried to smile and make it into a joke. "Gomen, Kaede-chan. I'd just like to do it myself...there." The knife was resting inside one of the small stacks of empty cardboard cups. Wiping it off on the edge of the cup, she checked the blade and turned it over before glancing at Kaede again, who now had a worried expression on her face, brows skeptically puckered together.
"Are you sure, Kagome-sama?"
"I can cut a couple cattails. It's not like I'm going to be pulling those long stalks out of the water like you with the irises." She pointed with the knife to the pile of lengthy roots to Kaede's side, knotted with string to keep them together. They too would be taken back to the hut to be made into whatever medicines Kikyou thought they needed. Kaede's skirt was still slightly damp from standing in the water so long, even if it had been hitched above her knees. "I'll be careful."
Kaede looked at her warily and agreed, reluctantly watching as Kagome headed down towards the marshy area, the reeds rising around her while she slowly stepped into the water.
It was cool, and made Kagome's skin tingle slightly as she edged forward into the reeds to reach into the thicket of cattails. Only a few of the blue irises penetrated the thick growth of plants, hanging instead to the outer fringes and enough room for their roots to sink and grow. There was a slight wind, barely enough to set the water to rippling, causing Kagome's shadowy reflection to ripple and blur. She used the knife to break apart a few of the cattails, the browny green stems cracking at the edge's sharpness. A handful collected, she straightened, glancing behind her momentarily to see Kaede's attention again occupied by her weaving of flowers, a little smile on her intent face. Kagome smiled in turn, looking back out to the slowly rippling lake. Peaceful.
It was sunset now, golden light piercing through the trees on the far bank and turning the sky to a crimson color. Low, against the water, there was some motion that caught her wandering eyes, a skiff being poled at one end towards a dock at the lake's end. There was a good distance between the girl hidden in the reeds and the figures aboard the boat, but these floating figures were distinct and clear to her vision as they glided to a stop and climbed out.
Both were figures of red and white; of red clothing, of white clothing, of dark hair, of light hair. Two different people, two different people she knew, one named Kikyou and the other named Inuyasha, moving alongside each other. The perfume of irises and water, so gentle a moment before, suddenly became cloying.
Kikyou stepped out of the raft, and Kagome saw her stumble suddenly, pitch forward and be caught up against the pole Inuyasha was holding.
And then, instead, he was holding her.
The handful of cattails Kagome had collected slipped from her hands and fell into the passive water.
To be there...to see it...to bear witness to that moment...Kagome winced, turning away sharply from the scene playing itself out before her, her gathering forgotten. She knew such a moment in time had to occur for Inuyasha and Kikyou to make their respective decisions: Kikyou to bring the Shikon no Tama, Inuyasha to decide to wish for his humanity.
She stumbled half a step away, splashing quietly in the reeds as she tried tugging her long hakama from their snagging fingers.
The sounds alerted Kaede. "Kagome-sama?"
Kagome lifted her head quickly, a pained expression still apparent there. "Ah...sorry, Kaede-chan...I'm such an idiot...I should have listened. I pulled my back, you know?" Mincing forward, she was met at the water's edge by a concerned and scolding Kaede, who helped pull her out. "I'm such an idiot..." Kagome repeated numbly as tears began pricking at her eyes, wanting little more than to go home.
"It's probably not that bad," Kaede sighed, "Here, Kagome-sama, lean on me. There's not much to clean up. I'll look at it when we get home, but I'm sure onee-sama's bandages held. Come on, don't cry..." she urged weakly, trying to smile to get Kagome to cheer up. "I'm sure it hurts, but it'll fade with some time. I'll make you some willow tea when we get back, all right? That'll ease some of the pain."
It would fade with some time...maybe. Unless time suddenly seemed so irrelevant. But what else to do? What else to say? I don't want to be here? I didn't want to see that? Kaede, your elder sister loves the same person as I do, even though we technically aren't supposed to meet for another fifty years? I want to go home? I want to sleep? I want my world back?
Kaede slowly lowered Kagome down to the grass, which she clutched tightly. Instead, she managed a weakly, "Okay."
"It'll be all right," Kaede encouraged as she began quickly packing up, stuffing some things into Kagome's backpack to make carrying them easier. "Let me get you home to lie down. You'll be feeling better again by tomorrow, you'll see."
She had seen Inuyasha and Kikyou together before. But this was not before. That was not a living, breathing Kikyou...she could tell that she was breathing, now. What were they saying, now that they had embraced? She knew what promises they would exchange. The time was coming, coming quickly. Onigumo would not live much longer, not without the drastic measures that must be taken to become Naraku. Inuyasha would make his decision to stay with Kikyou...and then she would bring the tama to the field, trusting him. Believing in him.
Tomorrow. It would have to be tomorrow.
Quietly, as she shredded the grass clutched in her hands, she answered Kaede's last comment. "I'm sure I will, Kaede-chan..." a small smile forced its way to her lips. "I'm sure I will."
One way or another.
We're getting down to the end of things, now. There will be one more chapter until the fic is complete. The last scene in this chapter is also an anime based scene...I don't believe it's ever shown in the manga, the exact moment that Inuyasha decided to be with Kikyou...at least, that's how I read the scene watching it in the anime. It seemed like a perfectly fitting moment to use here, as a pinpoint.
Chapter music for this time includes: Blue Light and Adagio and Transfiguration from Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, and Flames, by VAST.
Riddle of the Day: Do you still believe Kagome will take advantage of her situation and kill Onigumo?
Until the final chapter, 'Her Apotheosis.'
~Queen
