Once Upon a Bordem...

Summary: Yes, dear reader, Abigail was bored. Now, since this once-in-a-lifetime phenomena happens only, well, once in a lifetime, you are being treated to a pointless fanfic by the Queen of Pointless Fanfics. Enjoy.

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any components. I also don't own Sticky. Trayaryn is mine, however.


Yes, dear reader, Abigail was bored. Now, since this once-in-a-lifetime phenomena happens only, well, once in a lifetime, you are being treated to a pointless fanfic by the Queen of Pointless Fanfics.Onto the story.

The evil yellow day moon had set, and the evil white night sun was grinning as a crescent in the big black thing up there. Elephants were barking outsice, while Trayaryn the demon—daemon—rolled his eyes at his mistress's apparent insanity.

Thigh-high boots were being worn with a purple shiny raincoat as dear Abigail sat on her bed, cross-legged (quite a feat in thigh-high boots). It was neither raining nor was she outside nor wading, but as this was Abigail's favorite, dream outift, she wore it regardless. Since it was her dream outfit, it is described in more detail. Glow-in-the dark stars gossipped along the ceiling as Abigail's butterfly chair—aka the Amyrlin Seat—was being occupied by the cat demon—daemon—Trayaryn. Abigail also wore mismatched, brightly coloreed, Day-Glo striped gloves with special holes for three-inch-long purple painted nails. Now, Abigail's raincoat was open, revealing a dress t-shirt that read: Abigail, Purple Goddess of Insane Fanfic Authoresses. On the back it read: You are free to worship me anytime you please... but that was hidden by the raincoat. She also wore a purple silk scarf and a fisherman's hat with the words: SS Insanity written diagonally up the side. Now, on with the story.

Now, our dear Abby was bored, so she picked up the fellytone to call her friend, Sticky (aka Musicgrl).

"Hello?" Sticky asked (hereafter her only sentence not in all caps).

"Sticky, this is Abby—" but Abigail was interrupted by a scream on the other end of the line.

"DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE! I HAVE MONEY! DON'T HARM MY MOMMY!"

Abigail stared into the phone. "I just wanted to you to write an HP fic with me," she said.

"ANYTHING! JUST DON'T HURT MY MOMMY!" Sticky shouted.

Abigail shrugged. Sticky always acted like this around her. "Meet you here in ten minutes, then," she said before replacing the reciever.

Ten minutes later, a very frightened-looking Sticky was at her house. "RUN, MOMMY! SAVE YOURSELF!" she screamed as her mother as Abigail dragged her inside to the computer.

—It was a beautiful day, when, out of the purple, Harry, Hermione, and Ron all popped into Abby's house,— Abigail typed.

And, consequently, out of the purple, Harry, Ron, and Hermione popped into Abby's house, ignoring Satrina yelling furiously at Abigail and Sticky again. Nobody was the least surprised at this but Sticky.

"RUN WHILE YOU CAN!" she shrieked at them. Ron stared at her, then asked Abigail uncertainly:

"Hey Abby, is she—sane?"

Abby shook her head sadly. "Poor Sticky," she said sympathetically before returning to her story.

—Surprisingly, they were shocked.—

"WHAT?" Ron asked, shocked.

"Exactly!" Abigail crowed triumphantly.

"How could Hermione beat me again!?" Ron ranted, throwing his cards on the table. "That's the third game of rummy she's won! Dang it, my score is negative fifty five!"

"Ha!" Hermione said triumphantly as she counted her cards. "That's 115 for me," she said happily. Harry and Ron glared at her.

—And on the authoress's whim, 17-year-old Sirius Black popped out of nothwere, too, mistakently thinking Harry was James (while being a complete and total hottie).—

And magically, Sirius Black popped out of nowhere. "Hey, James!" he called, waving at James, who stood behind Harry's chair. "Hi, Harry!" he added.

Abigail shrugged and surveyed the scene. "Needs flavor," she said suddenly. Sticky looked horrified, but before she could start shrieking in all caps again, Abigail typed:

—Then they were all covered in strawberries and sent to the Sahara desert.—

Immediately, a thick layer of strawberries covered everyone, who started to eat them immediately. Sticky noticed a huge cloud of dust coming toward them. "SANDSTORM!" she shrieked. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ABBY, YOU BETTER TYPE FOR OUR LIVES OR I'LL KILL YOU! HAVE MERCY!"

—A sandstorm enveloped them suddenly,— Abby had typed. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" shrieked Sticky, so she hastily added: —But they were all in a submarine with satellite TV, so all was well.—

And, of course, three seconds later they were in a submarine, sitting on couches around a wide screen TV with Spongebob. "RUMMY!" Sirius shrieked, and Ron groaned and hit himself on the head.

"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?" Abby shrieked.

"SPONGE-BOB SQUARE-PANTS!" everyone answered before going back to what they were doing. For the record, Sirius, Harry, Hermione and Ron were playing Rummy, Abigail was typing, and Sticky was running around, screaming like a chicken with its head cut off.

"We need more characters," Abigail announced to the world at large.

"Really?" asked the world at large.

"Yep," Abby answered, determined. She began to type but was interrupted by Sticky, screaming in her customary all caps.

"WHO SAID 'REALLY'?" she demanded.

"The world at large, of course," Abby answered.

"At large what?" Sirius wanted to know.

Abby paused. "Good questoin!" she said brightly. Hastily, she typed: —But, however, a tragic thing occured.—

"NOT AGAIN!" Sticky screamed. "HOW MANY TRAGIC THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO US, ANYWAY???!!"

"I need the Marauder's—," Harry began, but Abigail interrupted him.

"Wonderful idea!" She typed. —Out of nowhere, three more cast members appeared, one of the Marauders already being present.—

"That is tragic," said Hermione pityingly.

"That I'm here or that three more character showed up?" Sirius asked as he laid down three threes.

"Threes are dead," Harry said, lying down the other one. They turned over threes.

"Both," Hermione answered. "Who were they?"

—They were none other than James Potter, Lily Evans, and Remus Lupin— Abigail typed, forgetting a comma. All characters appeared in their respective places at the Rummy table.

"Hey, all," James said, looking around.

—Of course, an inevitable confrontation between James and Harry was eminent...not to mention Lily.—

"Fine, don't mention me, then," said Lily dangerously, pulling out her wand

—And Lily had no wand,— Abigail typed hurriedly. Lily's wand disappeared. "My wand!" she shrieked.

—But as soon as Harry recognized his parents, chaos ensued.—

"WHAT?" Sticky shrieked. "OUR SATELLITE'S NOT WORKING?" The room erupted in chaos.

"Down with satellite!" Sirius shouted.

"Up with cable!" Harry agreed.

"We want Spongebob!" Abigial shouted.

"WE WANT OUR MTV!" shouted guess-who.

"We want TV!" Remus protested.

"We want MONEY!" Ron screamed. Everyone stared at him. "Well, we do," Ron said, shrugging.

"We should sue!" Lily screamed, and everyone joined in again.

"We demand minority rights!" James yelled.

"We want tax reforms!"

"We want a new President!"

"I don't think Morroco has a president," Abigail mused. "Isn't the Sahara Desert in Morroco?"

But no one was listening to her.

"We want Free Speech!"

"We want Freedom of Press!"

"And Religion!"

Abigiail, using her women's intuition, sensed the situation was getting out of hand, so she typed quickly: —It began to rain.—

This had no effect because they were in a submarine, so Abby typed: —And the submarine disappeared, leaving our heroes alone, in a sandstorm, in the rain. Things had never looked bleaker.—

"I dunno about that," Harry disagreed. "Things looked bleaker at the Dursley's, when I foudn the sorcerer's stone, when I was in the Chamber of Secrets, when Voldemort came back—"

"It's a stupid literary device!" Abigail interrupted, getting POed.

"It is stupid," Harry said skeptically, but was interrupted by James. (Boy, aren't they impolite, interrupting everyone?)

"Who are the Dursleys?" he frowned. "Why aren't you living with me and Lily?"

"Lily and I," Abigail shouted, actually being gramatically wrong by correcting him, because he was right the first time—I mean, you wouldn't say: "Why aren't you living with I?" would you, now?— but James ignored her.

"My neglectful relatives who neglect me," Harry answered self-pityingly. Lily looked horrified and rushed over to give him a hug.

"Don't worry, Mommy will take care of you," she whispered soothingly, hugging Harry tightly.

"Even though you're only seventeen," Hermione said dryly. Lily glared at her.

"I might not be married yet, but he's still my son, okay?"

"He looks more like Prongs," Sirius commented.

"He's got Lily's eyes," Remus disagreed. "And her build. He's not as tall as James."

"Er, hang on," Ron said blankly. "Didn't you three write the Marauder's Map?"

Sirius beamed. "A clever invention, that!" he said happily. "And it was my idea, all my idea. You see, I was bored, and we were sitting in the common room—" and here he started on a long and tedious story which I will not type, much like Abigail's story of How Sticky Became Evil and How Abby and Her Best Friend Corrupted The Innocent One to Become Sticky, but both of those are irrelevant and pointless and boring and long-winded.

Meanwhile, sand got in everyone's eyes.

"HOW CAN IT BE RAINING DURING A SANDSTORM?" Sticky screeched. "This isn't real, this is a stupid fanfic, I'm going to wake up and it will all be gone, it's not real, I will wake up, I'm going to wake up....I'M GOING TO DIE!!!" she screamed, part of that sentence actually not said in all caps. She's making progress.

—Suddenly, everyone started speaking pig latin.— Abigailyay ypedtay.

"ATWHAY? ATWHAY AREYAY EYAY AYINGSAY?" Ickystay eamedscray. " IYAY AN'TCAY UNDERSTANDYAY YSELFMAY ALKTAY! ATWHAY AMYAY IYAY AYINGSAY? ELPHAY EMAY!"

"UMMYRAY!" Ilylay outedshay iumphantlytray.

"hmmmay...isthay ouldcay esentpray ayay oblempray," Abigailyay ownedfray. "Ellway, Iyay uessgay eway an'tcay alktay ikelay isthay, ancay eway?" Eshay ypedtay: —Eythay allyay eganbay eakingspay Englishyay.—

Immediately, everyone began speaking Engligsh again.

"That was hard to type," Abigail commented softly. "Atwhay oday youay owknay?"

Sticky stared at her, horrified. Abigail grinned. "I can speak English, it was a joke," she said impatiently.

"That was awesome!" Sirius yelled. "Do another one!"

And because Abigail thinks Sirius is *whistle* hot, she did. "NOOOO!!!!!" Sticky screamed, but it was in vain. Abby typed:

—After her other fun experience, Abigail decided they should all speak in...Sweedish Chef.—

"VHET?" Steecky screemed. Bork bork bork! "I DON'T IFEN KNOV SVEEDISH!!!! I CEN'T TELK LIKE A SVEEDISH CHEF! VEIT, VHET EM I SEYING?"

Ebeegeil looghed hystereecelly. Bork bork bork! "Leestee tu yuoorselff, Steecky!" she-a geeggled. Bork bork bork! "I shuoold du thees in ifery funffeec!"

"NOOOOO!" ell zee cunun roommy-pleyeeng cherecters screemed. Bork bork bork!

"Vhet is veet zee burks?" Sureeoos esked, skepteecelly. Bork bork bork!

"I doonnu," Ebeegeil shroogged. Bork bork bork! "I'm oon thees vebseete-a thet trunsletes it fur yuoo, su vhet du I knoo?"

"Guud qooesshun," Herry groombled, boot Ebeegeil heerd. Bork bork bork!

"I heerd thet!" she-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "I knoo a lut!"

"Joost chunge-a it beck!" Leely shreeeked. Bork bork bork! "Ioogh! I hete-a telkeeng leeke-a thees!"

Jemes looghed es Ebeegeil typed: —Zeen zeey ell telked in regooler lungooege-a...Ingleesh, thet is. Um gesh dee bork, bork!—

Immediately, everything was back to English, for the sanity of all. "I like Pig Latin better," Sirius said, but Sticky interrupted before purple fangirl (Abigail) could type them all back into Pig Latin.

"AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE IN A SANDSTORM?" she howled over the wind, which returned to full force, which Abigail had forgotten about during the dialect fun.

—Um...the sandstorm suddenly disappeared and they were all on a beach in Saint Thomas in the Virgin Islands,— Abigail typed suddenly.

"Now this is the lifestyle!" Harry said with satisfaction. "I win!"

"Crap!" Ron said after a moment, studying his hand. "Well, that puts me fifty points in the hole."

"How is it that Moony always manages these things?" Sirius demanded disgustedly, throwing down two aces and two queens. Remus grinned self satisfactorily as he collected cards.

"That'll be about ninety five for me, and how many do I take away there, Lily?" he asked smugly.

Lily glared at him.

Sticky, the poor thing, seemed on the verge of a nervous collapse, staring at Abigail, one eyebrow twitching uncontrollably, staring at Abigail like she would go insane at any moment.

"No fear," Abigail told her. "I plan on us staying here for the remainder of the fic...or at least, this chapter."

—And so the chapter ended— Abigail typed. —Our heroes and a very nervous Sticky about to have an anxiety attack played Rummy on the beach in the Virgin Islands for the rest of the chapter in peace. Tune in next time to hear Abigail type—

But her tirade was cut short by Sticky typing in very big, bold letters:

THE END!!!