Prologue

Candy Land. That was Jess's imminent thought upon stepping off the Greyhound bus and into the unadulterated air of Stars Hollow. What the hell am I supposed to do here? Wear white after Labor Day? Something as trivial as that would actually startle this two-dimensional town. Great. Luke rose from the bench and began walking towards Jess. Great. Flannel-Man is my "guardian".

"Jess," Luke stated.

"Luke," Jess replied.

Jesus, say something, Luke thought. "Okay, so uh…" Luke had nothing more to say, he had already voiced his thoughts. Instead, he began walking off towards the diner.

My, my. We are verbose. Jess thought, sarcastically. Not a man of many words. Good, as long as we've got something in common. Jess leaned down to retrieve his belongings and followed silently.
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As Jess and Luke turned the corner, Jess noticed the Williams Hardware sign. He contemplated asking Luke about it but, instead, continued walking. The bell atop the door of 'Luke's Diner' jingled as Luke entered, followed immediately by Jess.  They wordlessly mounted the stairs to the apartment above the diner.

"Well, here we are. It's pretty simple. You know, this is the room. That's my bed, that's your, uh, bed for now, but the sheets are new. There's the bathroom, there's the closet, there's the dresser, the phone, and over there is the kitchen. I've got Frosted Flakes," Luke listed.

"Wow, that's grrrrreat," Jess remarked, sarcastically portraying Tony the Tiger.

Ok, so the kid is definitely not a talker. "So, is that all your stuff?" Luke questioned.

"Yup," Jess responded nonchalantly. God, any more questions officer?

"Not much there," Luke commented. God, way to keep to monosyllabic words. I feel like I should be questioning you under one of those cop lamps you see in NYPD Blue or something.

"Well, Lizzie's sending the rest later," Jess retorted. Jesus do I need to get out of here!

"So, you need some help?" Luke asked. Say no, say no, say—

"Nope."

Oh thank God. "Okay, uh, I have to get back to the diner. I'm gonna close up at ten tonight, so I thought—"

"See you at ten."

"But wait, you need keys."

"No I don't," Jess stated as he rushed out the door.

"I so don't want to know why," Luke said to no one in particular.
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Wow, so, apparently three left turns gets me back to the center of this God-awful town. Joy.
Jess thought as he watched his feet taking unwanted steps back to the diner.

The bell jingled once again as Jess entered the diner. Luke and Lorelai looked toward the door to see who entered. Luke's eyes refocused in recognition of the stranger entering his diner.

"Jess, hey, good. I'd like you to meet someone," Luke said.

"Hey. Hi, I'm Lorelai. I just wanted to meet you before Luke had a chance to fill your head with all kinds of little lies about me," Lorelai declared, a bit too cheerily for Jess.

"Hi," Jess stated.

"You know, you should meet my daughter. She's about your age. She can show you where all the good wilding goes on. . . .Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. I hope you like it here. . . . . So, class dismissed," Lorelai concluded – my we're a talker – dulled by her experience with Jess.

"Uh, are you hungry 'cause I can…" Luke's effort of making more conversation was cut off my Jess's feet trudging up the stairs.

"So that's Jess?" Lorelai asked, trying with difficulty to not make a demeaning remark.

"Yup."

"Very chatty."

"He's adjusting. He just got here. He probably just went out and realized there are twelve stores in this town devoted entirely to peddling porcelain unicorns. I've lived in this town my entire life, I still can't believe it," Luke answered.

Yeah, that's it. Luke and Lorelai thought.

"I'm sure that's it," Lorelai responded.

"He'll be fine in a few days."

A bell and a light were going off in Lorelai's head. Her eyes twinkled and she grinned at Luke, "hey, listen, I have a fabulous idea. What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Why?" Luke asked, apprehensively.

"Why don't you and Jess come over for dinner?"

"Dinner?" With who? Me and my nonexistent nephew?

"Sookie will cook, Rory will be there. It'll be a little 'Hey, welcome to Stars Hollow and see, everyone here's not straight out of a Fellini film' kind of an evening." Lorelai affirmed, pleased with her idea.

"Okay, that would be nice, thanks," said Luke, clearly flustered by such a kind gesture.

"You're welcome," Lorelai replied, still smiling.

A thought occurred to Luke. "You won't bring up the bed?"

Lorelai's smiled widened. "Oh no, I'll definitely bring up the bed."

Luke, exasperated with how well he could predict Lorelai Gilmore, walked away.
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[Jess is alone in the apartment]

I need a cigarette, Jess decided. He fiddled around in his left breast pocket and produced a slender Marlboro cigarette. He searched through is pants and found his lighter. He lit the cigarette that was hanging loosely from his lips and inhaled. Thank God. Now where the hell are those cards I had? Jess rummaged through his bag and finally found a deck of blue checkered cards. He began shuffling when Luke entered.

"So you get unpacked?" Luke asked. Is he smoking? No wonder Liz didn't want him. He's a kid that doesn't talk and probably goes through a pack a day.

"Yup."

Back to the monosyllables. "Get enough space in the closet?"

"Plenty."

"You hungry?"

And that makes, "eighteen."

"What?" Luke asked, confused.

"Just counting how many questions 'til we hit twenty."

"Okay, never mind." I can see we're going to get along great, Luke thought. The phone rings. Luke, thankful for some sort of interruption, goes to answer it. "Yeah? Yeah, Liz, he got here fine."

"Got here at ten this morning," Jess remarked, dully.

"Okay, hang on a sec," Luke said into the phone. He removed the earpiece from his ear and held the phone out to Jess.  "Jess?"

"Pass."

"Jess, come on," Luke persisted.

"Nope."

"What am I supposed to tell her?"

"Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. You know, I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt and they don't really get along."

Smart ass. "You really want me to tell her that?"

"You think a different band combo would sell it more?" Jess asked, clearly not caring about the situation at hand.

If only whipping were allowed in Connecticut. Luke returned to the phone, "yeah, Liz, Jess is gonna have to call you back. Yeah, he's helping me out with a shelf thing and his hand are full…Yeah, I'll tell him. Okay, bye. [hangs up] She said to tell you that your stuff will be here on Friday."

"Great, we'll have a party."

"You know, your mom thinks this is. . .you know, for the best and for your own good and. . . Anyhow, I guess you'll just call her when you feel like it."

"You wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand?"

"No."

"Ten?"

"No."

"I can't go any higher than ten."

"Jess."

Let's see how many buttons I can push today. "Okay, fifteen."

"Yeah, I don't wanna play poker."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Okie dokie." Well, that was a lost cause.

"So, listen, Lorelai - you met her today, remember? Anyhow, um, she invited us to her house tomorrow night for dinner. Her daughter Rory, who you didn't meet but you'll like 'cause she's a lot like Lorelai, but she's got a slightly tighter grasp on reality. Anyhow, she'll be there, and you know, it'd be a…I don't know, it'd be a chance for you to meet more people and so I, I said yes." Luke finished rather uncomfortably.

Oh God. He can't be serious. I'm getting out of here. And without a word, he grabbed his coat and left.
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[Lorelai opens the front door, Luke and Jess are standing there.]

"Hey, perfect timing. Sookie's about to break her own record for the most food served outside the Roman Empire," Lorelai said, again, too perky for Jess's liking.

"Sounds great." Luke smiled, then immediately elbowed Jess.

"Sure does," Jess iterated grudgingly.

And then there was one. "So, come on in," Lorelai said as she gestured toward the living room.

Luke and Jess enter, only to separate; Jess into the living room and Luke staying behind to continue talking with Lorelai.

"Sorry we're a little late. We had a little misunderstanding about what time we're actually supposed to leave to come here," Luke apologized.

I'm sure. "It's okay. How's it going?"

"Oh, well, not bad." I'm going to regret telling her this. "Oh, the bed popped."

Keep a straight face Gilmore. "Yikes. Was anyone in it?"

"Me."

"You?" Lorelai inquired, shocked.

"Yeah, I let him take the real one."

"Well, that was very nice of you." Lorelai saw Jess glancing at the photos on the fireplace mantle. "Hey Jess," she called, "wanna come on in the kitchen?"

Jess reluctantly followed Lorelai and Luke into the kitchen.

"Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess." Lorelai presented him to her best friend, Sookie, and her boyfriend, Jackson.

"Do you eat cheese?" Sookie questioned, randomly.

"What?" Jess replied, taken aback.

"Oh my God, this is the greatest lemon I have ever grown. I mean, this is a great lemon. Sookie, you gotta try this lemon. Isn't it a great lemon?" Jackson revered and displayed it to his unenthusiastic audience.

"That is a great lemon," Sookie said. Obviously trying to keep the conversation as sane as it could be.

"Try it, it's a Meyer." Jackson thrusted the lemon towards Sookie.

"Jackson grows fruit and then scares people with it." Lorelai stated, quickly; trying to keep Jess's questioning and possibly revolting glances at bay. Ok, so … "Rory, they're here," Lorelai called.

Rory, hearing her mother's call, "coming!"

Jess, in great desire of leaving his current company, left to find the source of the voice. Jesus. And I thought the town was whacked with mother-daughter dress-alikes. Now there's a guy talking about the beauty of lemons. Where the hell didn't that voice come from? He found a room with a girl about his age in it. She had brown, shoulder-length hair. She was wearing a cream-colored cardigan and was typing at a laptop. She was clearly trying to finish something in a hurry. She spotted Jess. "Hey," said Rory.

Taking Rory's acknowledgement of him, he uttered a brief 'hey' and entered her room.

"I'm Rory." Rory smiled.

"Yeah, I figured."

"Nice to meet you."

Um, yeah. Well, well … Jess noted Rory's overflowing bookshelf. "Wow, aren't we hooked on phonics," he stated, sardonically.

"Oh, I read a lot. Do you read?" He intrigued her for some reason. She couldn't figure out why. He had barely spoken ten words to her.

More than you'll know. "Not much," he replied. Fingering through the books, he removed one.

Rory caught a glimpse of the title of the measly looking book. 'HOWL and Other Poems', good choice. Ah, the Beat Generation…"I could loan you that if you want. It's great," Rory offered kindly.

So she reads Ginsberg, huh? At least I know she reads something with substance. And now she's offering to let me borrow it – my, my. What a kind soul. As Jess places the book down he responds indifferently, "no thanks."

"Well, if you change your mind…" Rory trailed off. They were left to stare at each other.

"[Lorelai speaks from the doorway] Okay, we really need to get Jackson away from the lemons now, so we're moving the feast in the living room," Lorelai stated hurriedly before rushing away.

She's not kidding about that, Rory thought to herself. She smirked a little before answering, "be right there!"

Their eye contact broke at the sound of her voice. Jess's gaze diverted to the windows.

"So do these open?" He asked longingly.

Ok, mildly odd question. "Oh yeah, you just have to unlatch them and then push."

"Great. Shall we?"

Confused at his question, she returned with one of her own. "Shall we what?"

"Bail," Jess responded, edging towards the window.

What?! "No," Rory stated firmly.

"Why?"

"Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini-mart just closed twenty minutes ago."

You've got to be kidding me. "So we'll walk around or sit on a bench and stare at our shoes." We need to haul some ass and get of here already!

Well if you're not a glutton for rudeness. "Look, Sookie just made a ton of really great food, and I'm starving and though it may not seem like it right at this moment, it's gonna be fun. Trust me."

"I don't even know you."

Rory was surprised to have her intentions questioned so blatantly.  "Well, don't I look trustworthy?" she countered.

"Maybe."

"Okay, good. Let's eat." Well that's as settled as it'll get. Rory walked towards the kitchen, with Jess direcly behind her. [In the kitchen] You want a soda?"

"Oh, I'll get it." Thank God. Maybe the mom will have a beer. Everything's getting to Disney for me.

"Okay." Rory retrieved a soda from the refrigerator and ambled off towards the living room.  When she was out of sight, Jess grabbed a Heineken bottle from the refrigerator and with a glance over his shoulders, walked out the back door.
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[A table is set up in the living room. Everyone stands around it loading up his or her plates.]

As Rory entered the living room, she observed the dining table astray from its usual location. Lorelai, Luke, Sookie and Jackson were all piling food onto their plates. Lorelai spotted Rory entering the living room without Jess. "Hey Rory, where's Jess?"

"He's getting a soda."

"Here." Lorelai shoved a plate brimming with food at Rory.

"I'm sorry, you must've mistaken me for you." Rory joked.

"Ooh, too much?" Lorelai quipped.

"Oh, I forgot the garlic bread!" Sookie declared.

"I'll get it," Lorelai responded.

Heading straight for the oven, she takes out the bread and notes a lack of Jess in the kitchen. She places the bread upon the counter and exits out the back door.  She sees Jess on the back porch about to open the beer. Dammit! I knew this kid was bad business. Be nice. For Luke's sake.

Just before Jess's lips touched the opening of the bottle, Lorelai lunged for the bottle and grasped it. "Oh, for me, hey, thanks," she said before taking a sip. "Refreshing. So what, you're not hungry?"

"Not really," Jess retorted.

"Well, Sookie made you some grilled cheese if you don't like pot roast."

"Oh, well, if I'd had known that…" Jess noted, derisively.

God you remind me so much of me at your age. Full of attitude. Fine, if you want to be that way… "Let me guess, you don't want to be here?"

"Doesn't matter." Wow, Luke's little wannabe girlfriend can see can she?

"I mean, here in Stars Hollow."

My, you're a fast one, aren't you? Jess thought, sarcastically.  The sarcasm carried over into his response, "well geez, Ms. Gilmore, why would anyone not want to be here in Stars Hollow? That just sounds plum crazy."

This is too much. "Ugh, Jess, let me give you a little advice. The whole 'my parents don't get me' thing, I've been there."

"You have, huh?" Jess rejoined, mildly interested.

"Yes, I have. I've also done the 'chip on my shoulder' bit. Ooh, and the surly, sarcastic, 'the world can bite my ass' bit, and let me tell you, I mastered them all, in heels, yet. And everything you're feeling might be totally justified, maybe you are getting screwed. But Luke is a great guy. He's very special, and he really wants to take care of you and make things right for you. You're incredibly lucky to have him. If you give this situation half a chance, you might be surprised at how good it can be, how much you like living here, and how comfortable it feels to have someone like Luke you can really depend on."

Blah, blah, blah. Let me guess, you're little Miss-Know-It-All just because you think  you know what the hell you're talking about? Jesus, "are you sleeping with him or something?"

What?! "Excuse me?

"I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really naïve, or you're getting some." Jess smirked to himself. More buttons I can push today.

Jess was getting on Lorelai's nerves. Big time. "Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them."

"Well, now, that's not very neighborly."

"Hey, you know what, this is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, ha ha."

Jess was getting frustrated. "You know, you don't know anything about me," Jess remarked through gritted teeth. "Or my life, or my mom, or Luke, so why don't you Doctor Laura someone else." He had ended up shouting the last half.

"I'm going inside, stay out of my fridge." She had had it. She left before she would do something she would regret later. Well, not really regret. Just, not be able to revel in when people ask what happened to the new kid…
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[Luke is waiting out front as Jess walks out of a building with 'Stars Hollow High School' written across it.]

"Hey. How was school?" They begin walking.

"Great."

"You learn anything good?"

"Oh yeah, tons of things. I've got gold stars plastered all over my forehead."

"I had an interesting call today. Wanna know who it was from?"

"Not really."

"It was from Taylor Doose, you know he owns the market."

"If you say so." Like I care.

"He said you came in today."

Shit. "He did?"

"And he said you took some money out of a little donation cup to help repair the bridge. I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief, that he was just trying to start trouble, then I hung up on him. But don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging up on Taylor, and he is crazy, but I was just wondering if maybe any of the other things he said were true."

"What do you think?" Good one, Mariano. Be vague. Keep everything at your fingertips.

"I think that if you tell me that what he's saying is not true, then I'm gonna believe it's not true."

Ha! That was too easy. "Okay, it's not true."

"That doesn't sound very convincing."

God, I've so had enough of this boring-as-hell-morbid-fairy-tale town. Angered by Luke's insinuation, Jess asserted, "look, what exactly do you want from me? You bring me here to this place, you put me in a school that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six different languages, two of which I've never heard of before. You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want what from me?"

Shocked, "I'm trying to help you."

Still filled with annoyance, "well, stop trying. Stop talking to me, stop following me, and stop asking me questions. Just stop." At the word 'stop', both Luke and Jess came to a halt. Jess saw they had stopped at a bridge.

"That's what you want?" Luke heatedly.  Jess observed a vein in Luke's head, pumping blood at an extremely quick-paced rate.

"Yes."

"That's really what you want?"

"Yes."

"Fine, you got it."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Luke begins walking towards the diner and Jess follows, only to quicken his pace to walk side-by-side with Luke. Thank God, Jess thought to himself. Now I might actually have some fu—his thoughts were cut off when Luke, evidently still filled with rage, pushed Jess into the lake.
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[In the apartment.]

Frickin' 'a'. My uncle is deranged. The town he lives in is on some sort of transparent drug that you're given at birth and I can't find my goddamn lighter!  Frustrated at not being able to find his lighter, he pushed his belongings off of his bed; only to find the lighter under them.  He pulls a cigarette out of the same breast pocket as before and lights it. He puffs irritably, lost in his own thoughts.

Suddenly, Luke rushes in with a stuffed plastic bag and drops it harshly on the bed. "Okay, we got the patch, the gum, hypnosis tapes, Chinese herbs, self-help books, and several pictures of diseased lungs to hang on the fridge. Pretty, huh?" Luke ranted at Jess, staring at the cigarette in his mouth. "This," he says as he pulls the cigarette out of Jess's mouth, "is done." And he continues to put he cigarette out.

"Hey!" Jess exclaimed, aggravated.

"You will get up, you will go to school, you will come home, you will work in the diner until closing, you will do your homework and then you will go to bed," Luke continued ranting. He began opening random doors and sifting through Jess's belongings. Just as Jess was about to berate Luke for invasion of privacy, Luke asked, "where's the gnome?"

"The what?" What gnome? Oh! That ugly thing I stole from that lawn. That's a gnome?

Luke had found Pierpont in the closet. Seeing the happy gnome only aided Luke's tirade.  "The weekends are for chores and selected pre-approved outings, i.e. cavalla studies, freeway beautification projects, Color-Me-Mine pottery painting, all discussible options. You will not steal, you will pay back Taylor Doose, you will graduate for high school, and you will return Pierpont," Luke gestured to the gnome in his hand that he had apparently been shaking at Jess, "to his yard."

"You can't just—"

"I can just. I am not letting you just fall off the face of the earth. You will not drift, I won't let it happen. Now I don't know if this is the right way to handle this, but this is the way it's being handled, and that my friend, is the end of this discussion." Luke, quite pleased with himself, finally ended his first lecture; only to have Jess get up and begin marching for the door. "Where are you going?"

Jess shouted an 'out' back at Luke before slamming the door behind him.

Luke, reminiscing to a similar situation, spoke to the room again. "Well, at least I asked."
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Jess is walking down the street. Livid. Irate. Furious. Those are just some of the nice adjectives I've got to describe how I'm feeling. Now, let's move on to adjectives that describe my no good, son of a— Jess's thoughts are cut off as Rory comes into his view.  She has just exited a store and is waving goodbye to clerk. Jess takes this opportunity to walk over to her and make some conversation.

"Hey," Jess says, coolly.

"Hey yourself."

"What are you doing out here?"

"I needed something for school. What about you?"

"Oh yeah, same thing."

"Uh huh." Sure you were. "So, that was quite a disappearing act you pulled the other night."

Huh, yeah well, "potlucks and Tupperware parties aren't really my thing."

"Too cool for school, huh?" Rory smiled at her own remark.

"Yes, that is me." Jess replied, smirking at Rory's comment.  They came to a stop.

"What are you doing?" Rory gave a fleeting look at Jess's hands – they were constantly moving.

"Oh this?" He glanced swiftly at his hands before returning his gaze back to Rory. "Nothing," and as he said this, he made an illusion with a coin. "Just another little disappearing act," he commented with a little grin.

"Little tip?" Rory posed.

"Yeah?" Jess was all ears. He couldn't believe how much attention he had placed on her. It was almost worrying him. Almost.

"If you ever want to speak to me again, don't pull that out of my ear."

Jess inwardly chuckled. She's got a mind of her own. And she speaks it. Nothing too new. Although, she does speak with intelligence in her voice. "So I assume the nose is off limits too?"

"Any place you wouldn't naturally find a coin, let's leave it that way." Rory smiled and Jess nodded.

"So what are you doing now?" Jess asked as Rory began walking off.

"I have some homework to finish."

"Okay, then I'll leave you this last little trick." He pulled 'HOWL and Other Poems' from his pant pocket and handed it to Rory.

"You bought a copy? I told you I'd lend you mine."

"It is yours."

"You stole my book." It wasn't a question. It was a frank statement.

"Nope, borrowed it," Jess countered at her surprised look.

"Okay, that's not called a trick, that's called a felony."

"I just wanted to put some notes in the margins for you." Jess shrugged.

"What?" Rory was taken aback.  She grabbed the book from Jess's hands and began flipping through the pages. "You've read this before."

"About forty times."

Startled she said, "I thought you said you didn't read much."

"Well," Jess began rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, "what is much?" He could tell he had startled her. He liked that thought. "Goodnight Rory."

"Goodnight Dodger."

"Dodger?" Jess inquired, perplexed.

"Figure it out," Rory replied, distractedly.  She began walking away, already engrossed in the Jess's notes.

The answer dawned on him. "Oliver Twist," Jess called to her back.

Rory turned around sharply and looked Jess directly in the eye. She smiled and nodded. She returned to her book and he to his tricks. Both left each other, equally absorbed in their own thoughts. Both subconsciously contemplating their next literary quips for their next meeting.