Oh God. I'm going to die. Oh God. I can't breathe. I hurt everywhere that I'm not frozen. Oh God. I'm not big on religion but I was a drowning in snow girl clutching at gods.

Oh Buddha.

My pack slipped off my shoulders ever so slightly, and I still couldn't breathe. Even if I could have breathed through this solid rush of excess falling snow it wouldn't have been much good – been thrown backwards violently every second probably would have jerked the wind out of me. I'd given up screaming because the flurry, none too clean, what with plane debris in it, had rushed into my mouth all at once. My eyes were tightly shut; I didn't want to see.

It wasn't fair! Why was this all happening to me anyway? Why hadn't I just died? Wait – I was going to die. I was sure I was losing it. It must have been the lump on my head, and although falling down an ice-clad mountain was dreamlike but all too scary, the lump was all too real. I wondered how I had gotten it. Right- I fall down about two tiers of mountain – that was where I was now, still falling – and I don't sustain injuries. I was losing it.

My pack slipped still further, and even hindered by the sweeping tide I couldn't help it. I choked on a mouthful of the overwhelming snow again. I must have fallen past another tier by now. A strange, foreign numbness had set in, and I could not longer feel my limbs to move them. Somehow, this frightened me more than the pain, or the fact that I was in desperate need of oxygen – those things reminded me I was alive.

The pain suddenly washed over me again. The snow was suffocating me and my head reeled as I was flipped over and over, only mildly padded by the snow, which I was now aware, soaking me through and through, both jackets, school uniform, horrid skirt and all. I was so terrified, I even screamed a while more.

I choked out yet another mouthful of frost, and gasped violently as my mouth connected briefly with a gust of strong, wonderful wind. Then I was under the snowfall again. I kicked against the powerful stride and forced my way up to the top, gasping for air like an oblique vacuum cleaner. A pounding flurry whisked past my closed eyelids. I was numb again, and more scared than ever.

Lucky Lara. Lucky Lara – ha. They'd called me lucky. Had I even known this Lara once? Was I still human underneath? Lucky Lara. Ha. I hadn't though I was lucky though. Was I lucky now? Could they see me now? Was it lucky to just live a fraction longer than they – and to live in this freezing hellhole a while longer? But if I hadn't been lucky then, what made me any luckier no matter what? Had I been ignorant to all that, was that truly life?

Lucky Lara.

Jesus Christ! I was going mad. Sweet Jesus! Anything had to be better than that life, anything. My head spun. Anything had to be better than that… anything, even… I realized suddenly, even this.

I was suffering. I was in pain, in cold, gasping for air, dying, and for the first time in my whole cursed, damned – yes, damned! – life, I was truly alive.

My pack slipped again. I was so cold I couldn't feel anything again. And it was beautiful. Then I was dizzy. Have you ever thrown up while tumbling off an avalanching mountain? It's not fun.

Slowly, the beauty faded again. It was still there, I knew, but I found myself racking my brain. If I even had one at this hour. I had fallen about three more tiers too. Amen-Ra! Anubis! Screw. Anubis was god of the dead.

All feeling was numbed now- the nausea, the pain, the brutal thumping of my heart in my gullet, even the sharp sting of my hands grating on the sheer rock face as I searched for hand holds. More snow was forced down my throat. To my delirious self it was cool and refreshing. Glorious.

The schizophrenic side of me started acting up again and I found myself almost screaming again. I was still scared, more scared than I had ever been. Hermes! Ares!  By now I could tell I was somewhere on the second tier. Zeus…

Thor. Freya. Why was I calling on gods anyway? I hardly wanted to live- did I? I'd been alive for a terrifying rush down a mountain, and I wanted it to end now, didn't I? I couldn't breathe again. Another side of my mind fought with the cynical side, and I slowly seemed to fade out…

Instead, I coughed out more ice with frozen jaws. The other side of my mind had won. The side that still wanted to live.

But I found myself choking and hacking away uncontrollably. I was scared again, having caught sight of a flash of scarlet in the snow. Blood – more of it. My mind screamed for oxygen and I couldn't feel anything. Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I was fading out of consciousness, I knew. Somewhere in my soul, something in me fought to stay alive. Life was beautiful. Somehow, beautiful, and I couldn't have cared less about anything at that sudden time rift that I'd fallen in love with the world I'd lived in. That brutal cruelty, the pain- it was all part of the unfair game of life, that we knew and loved. That I'd loved.

But suddenly, another side of my mind took over. I ached everywhere and I wanted this merry-go-round to end.

"Dear Jesus,' I mumbled through a mountain of snow. I coughed again. "Dead Jesus, I want to die now. Please." I knew how stupid and pathetic it sounded, and it had only resulted in more dirty snow down my throat. I was even dizzier than before. Life is beautiful! Something screamed inside me. I didn't know anymore.

And then suddenly, my head stuck solid rock. Hard. I was positive it was somewhere at the base of the mountain, but I couldn't be sure. Sweet Jesus. My head was light, lighter than ever before. Amen.