[u]Part 12[/u]

There was nothing else for her to do. Tess had to be honest. "Yes," she whispered, lowering her eyes. "That's why I came back."

Kyle stood up, started pacing. "Okay, I'm calm. I am not going to throw a fit. I promised I wouldn't, so I won't." He was obviously talking to himself, not to her.

"Kyle."

"Be quiet Tess. I need to focus here. I'm having minor issues at the moment. Just let me deal with them."

"Okay," she squeaked, her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

He stopped pacing, stared at her. "I can't believe you've never told me this before! I just cannot believe it!"

Tess grimaced. "I'm sorry," she said in a small voice. "I.I didn't really think it was that important."

"Not important? On what planet?" Kyle threw his hands into the air to stop her from answering. "Wait! Forget I said that! Being an alien is no excuse for not thinking I didn't need to know about this! A future version of yourself came back to tell you that you have to have a kid with another guy and you somehow don't think this is important?"

"Well, clearly it didn't happen," Tess flared. She wrinkled her nose. "Actually the thought of it kind of makes me ill. Maybe I just wanted to forget. I don't like thinking about the fact that I once actually thought I had to sleep with someone who is like my brother."

"Hello? Earth to Tess!" Kyle smacked the side of his head, as though trying to clear his ears. "Am I hearing you correctly? You decided to just [I]screw[/I] saving the world because you had a problem with screwing Evans?"

"KYLE!"

"Well, I'm just saying."

Tess narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you saying that you don't actually have a problem with the fact that I came back to have a kid with Max? That you [I]actually[/I] have a problem with the fact that I [I]didn't?[/I]"

Kyle glared at her. "I just don't get it Tess. The end of the world seems like a pretty damn good reason to take one for the team."

Tess jumped to her feet. "I cannot believe this! Are you insane? I fell in love with [I]you[/I]! I wasn't going to sleep with someone else!" She stormed past him and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Bracing her hands on both sides of the sink, she stared at herself in the mirror.

This was the worst possible reaction she could have imagined. Kyle wasn't upset because she'd come back for Max. He was upset because they hadn't ended up together. What the hell? Why was she marrying someone who clearly didn't give a rat's ass about her? She wrenched the engagement ring off her finger, held it poised over the toilet.

Dammit! Why was she crying? He did not deserve her tears. He was a complete jerk! He was supposed to be relieved, [I]honoured[/I] that she chose him over her destiny. What the hell was wrong with him?

Tess turned and scowled at the door when a soft knock came a moment late. "Er, babe." She shoved the ring back on her finger and plopped herself down on the edge of the tub. She didn't answer, just pressed her lips together.

"Tess, I may have let."

"GO AWAY!" She screamed at the door. "I'm not kidding Kyle. I'll use my alien death ray eyes on you if you don't! I will! I swear to God!" Tess took several deep breaths, forcing herself to calm down. He was the only one who had ever been able to get her riled like this. She usually gave Isabel a run for her ice queen money, which was why the fact that she had melted so completely for Kyle had been such a huge deal for her.

And he didn't even care.

There was a long pause. Finally she heard him moving away from the door. "I'm going out!" He yelled.

"Fine!" She replied. "Go!"

Tess pressed her ear up against the door, listened for the sound of the front door slamming. She waited another five minutes for good measure, then cracked open the bathroom door. A thin thread of light appeared, which was instantly blocked when a hand thrust its way past her and wrenched the door open.

She stood staring at Kyle in dumbfounded shock. "What.where did [I]you[/I] come from?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow at her. "You really thought I was going to leave after being such an asshole?"

"I [I]heard[/I] you go!"

"I'm a cop. I [I]can[/I] be stealthy you know!" She stared at him in disbelief. "I [I]can[/I]!"

There was another long silence as they continued to stare at each other. Tess finally couldn't take it any longer. "Why? Why would you say such a horrible thing to me?"

Kyle reached out, touched her cheek. "I'm an ass."

"Well, I know that. I want to know why," Tess insisted. "Kyle, do you understand that there was no way I could have made another choice? It would have been wrong for Max and I to have a child together. We don't love each other - at least not like that."

He sighed. "I know that. I just.I think I was just so shocked. I mean, I can't believe it almost."

"Believe what?" She asked, confused. Kyle sounded vulnerable, like this was about a lot more than the end of the world.

"You actually chose me over him. Someone actually chose [I]me[/I]."

Tess blinked. "I don't understand. Kyle, of course I chose you over him. I'm engaged to you."

"Well." He looked so ashamed, Tess actually felt sorry for him.

"Kyle, what? Tell me!"

"Tess, I always thought that the only reason you chose me was because you couldn't have him. I mean, he is still so hung up on Liz, I thought you just gave up and went with the next best thing."

Tess's mouth had fallen open at the end of his first sentence. "Are you crazy?" She asked in dismay. "That's what this is about? It took this for you to actually understand that it's [I]you[/I] I love?"

Kyle grinned slightly, his charming smile, trying to smooth things over. "I'm thinking the fact that you are risking the end of the world to be with me has convinced me."

Tess continued to glare at him. "This is [I]not[/I] funny! I cannot believe you!"

Kyle stopped smiling. "I know it's not funny. And I am so sorry."

She brought her arms up, wrapping them around her, suddenly cold. "Kyle, I don't know.I mean, do you know what this means? It means that you don't really believe in me at all!"

"Tess, I am so sorry. Please. You have to forgive me. I was completely shocked and I think it just all came back to me. It just came out. I mean, I haven't really [I]felt[/I] like that in a long time - I love you so much and I'm so happy! - but it's a dirty little secret of my own. One I think I needed to just let go. And it happened that way." His tone was pleading but Tess could feel her heart breaking anyway.

He had thought that he was second best. He had truly believed that she was an awful enough person to get engaged to him because she couldn't have who she really wanted! How could he have thought that about her? He didn't know her at all.

[I]You don't know yourself at all,[/I] a small voice in the back of her head reminded her. [I]And you're only just beginning to get that. How can you expect Kyle to get it?[/I]

It was the whole truth. The fact that she was beginning to understand that the future version of herself, the one who had told her the lie about the prophecy and Liz's capability to fulfil it, had lied to her. How could she understand a person - herself! - who had turned out that way? Who had come back and [I]lied[/I] about something as horrible as the end of the world in order to get what she wanted? Which in the end, hadn't been what she had wanted [I]or[/I] needed at all.

But if she hadn't come back, Tess never would have returned to Roswell and she never would have fallen in love with Kyle. Which meant that she [I]would[/I] have turned out that way. Future Tess had changed things - had changed her life - just not in the way she had imagined she would.

And Tess couldn't help but be a little bit happy that she had come, in spite of what had happened to Max and Liz. Because if she hadn't, she wouldn't be in Roswell right now. And she would have turned out that way.

Her guilt was beginning to become so deep and complex, she couldn't even begin to grasp it anymore. She was having such an identity crisis, it was no wonder that Kyle didn't know what to think.

Yet, she was still hurt. Because he was the one person she had thought got her even better than she got herself. And that had been a lie too.

He was what she needed and somehow, in some way, she had failed him. Because he hadn't really believed it until he thought she had risked the end of the world to be with him.

"Can I just ask you a question?" Kyle said quietly, after the silence began to feel uncomfortable. She was relieved that he said something, because she had no words. She had absolutely no words. For the first time since they had met, she had no idea what to say to him.

"Okay." Tess knew she sounded shell-shocked, but she forced herself to listen.

"What.I mean, how did you figure out that Max wasn't for you?"

Tess closed her eyes, swallowed, but decided she could at least give him that much. Since she obviously hadn't been giving him what he needed for their entire relationship. "It was at the Crashdown one night, hanging out with Isabel, but we weren't really friends yet. She was sort of just doing her duty. You and I hadn't even gone on a date yet. I had only been back for a couple of months then and Max was just being [I]so[/I] difficult. He still wouldn't even talk to me."

"So, you gave up?"

"No, that's not what happened. I was so unhappy." Tess recalled it like it was yesterday. "I was beginning to feel like maybe that future version of me had been wrong. I mean, if it was meant to be, it shouldn't be so [I]hard[/I], you know?"

"I know."

"So you came in and you sat with us and you just started cracking jokes. Even Isabel was laughing, which is saying a lot. I don't even know what you were talking about. I just remember laughing so much too. And then Max came in and I realized that he hadn't even crossed my mind in like half an hour. You had preoccupied me so much, I had stopped thinking about him. Which [I]never[/I] happened then. I was so focused on what I thought had to be."

Tess raised her head, looked Kyle directly in the eyes. "I realized that I had never once laughed in Max Evans's company. That he was never going to unbend enough with me for it to happen. That I [I]didn't[/I] feel comfortable enough with him to make [I]him[/I] comfortable enough."

"So because Max isn't a laugh-riot, you feel in love with me?"

"I fell in love with you because I was comfortable with you. You made me [I]happy[/I]. He just didn't. I didn't love him. Not like that."

Kyle sat down on the edge of the bed, a truly perplexed expression on his face. Tess moved to join him, sat carefully, making sure not to touch him. She couldn't touch him. She still felt too raw, too hurt.

"But, really Tess.the end of the world?"

"Kyle, I just knew that it wasn't going to happen. That something that felt so right - being with [I]you[/I] - couldn't be wrong," Tess said firmly. "I finally understood what Max felt for Liz because I had found it myself." She paused, then admitted, "Which is why I can't believe I didn't go to New York to fix things between them before it was too late. This is [I]all[/I] my fault."

Kyle reached out, took her hand and squeezed. "Well, there's no doubt you played a part in it, but I don't think it's your fault babe. They both had a hand in it too."

"Kyle! That future me had to have talked to Liz! There's no other explanation for why she ran off like she did. I [I]know[/I] for a fact that Max told Liz flat-out after I first came back that he didn't care about what the book said - that I was lying. And she believed him at first. And then she left. There had to have been a reason." Tess shook her head, her despair and guilt beginning to overtake her again. "It was [I]my[/I] fault. She might not have been me exactly, but it was still a Tess. I have to take responsibility for who I might have become."

"Okay, now that just makes [I]no[/I]sense," Kyle snapped. "Tess, it really doesn't. You don't even know for sure that Liz met up with Future You." He frowned. "And I'm still not convinced that it wasn't a shapeshifter. I mean, here we are, engaged, no hybrid baby on the way and I still feel pretty damn safe. I don't feel like the end of the world is nigh."

Tess stood up, kept her back to him. "Kyle, I don't know if I can do this." She couldn't believe that the words were coming out of her mouth, but she knew in her heart it was true. "You don't really think I love you."

"What?" She heard Kyle jump to his feet. "Tess, I'm an idiot. Forget everything I said before. I [I]know[/I] you love me!"

"Yeah, [I]now[/I]!" Tess flared, whirling. "But you didn't half an hour ago. Half an hour ago, deep down, you thought that you were my second choice." She pulled at her braid, letting her blonde hair fall around her shoulders so that she could run her hands through it more easily in her frustration. "Kyle, how am I supposed to get past that? The fact that you didn't believe in me?"

"Tess!"

She stared at him, could see from the look on his face that he really couldn't believe that she was making such a big deal out of it. "I need to be alone for a while," she said, amazed that she sounded so calm. Her heart was screaming at her to stop being an idiot, but her head needed a little distance. She needed to think this through. "I'm going over to Isabel's. She'll let me sleep on her couch tonight."

"Tess, don't do this! Let's talk about this!" Kyle insisted, following her through the darkened apartment.

"Don't you get it?" She softened her voice, stopped and touched his face. "I can't talk about it right now because I haven't quite grasped what it even means at the moment. I know I love you. I've always known that. And I know that I'll get over this. But I need a few hours. Do you understand?"

Kyle sighed. "I guess I can deal with that. But please Tess! You have to remember that none of it really means anything. I love you. I was [I]willing[/I] to be second best. I didn't care. At all."

Tess smiled slightly. "Kyle, I get that. But, see, I don't want you to settle for being second best. About anything. And it kind of hurts me that you were willing to allow it. You should have confronted me or talked to me about it.or something. I just feel like there was this white elephant hanging around that I never even saw and that hurts. I need to know that you're always completely honest with me about how you feel."

She leaned up, kissed him lightly on the lips. "I'll be back Buddha Boy. I just need a little space and some girl talk."

Kyle shook his head. "Okay, but call me when you get there."

"I will." Tess moved towards the door. "By the way, I'm going to go talk to Max tomorrow morning - tell him what I think happened with Liz. Maybe he can confront her about it."

"What about Liz?" Kyle asked carefully. "Are you going to try and talk to her?"

Tess closed her eyes again, briefly. "I'm scared to."

"You don't want to know for sure that you would be capable of doing something like that? That the Future You [I]did[/I] talk to her." Kyle guessed, sounding upset on her behalf.

"I guess not," Tess replied. "But I'm beginning to realize that sometimes it's just better to know the unpleasant things up-front. Because secrets only hurt people."

Kyle flinched slightly, seeming to think there was a double meaning in her words, but she hadn't meant it that way. She felt a pang of guilt, but just really didn't have the energy to deal with any of it at the moment. "I'll call you later."

And, with that, she left him standing in the darkened hallway alone.

**********************************************************

Liz gasped against Max's lips. For one split second, she almost melted against him. But she had been ready for him to try something like this. The air between them had been fully charged for a long while now. It was only a matter of time. She had been tempting fate by staying to talk to him at all.

She slammed down on her emotions instantly, not allowing him access, and then wrenched away from him.

Liz had done a lot of things she was not proud of to make sure that he never had to go through the hell she had with those visions. She never wanted him to know what [I]their[/I] once fairy-tale love had been capable of creating. "Max! What are you doing?" She screeched, deciding that anger was the best path, as always. She needed to keep him at a distance.

He was [I]not[/I] for her. And allowing him to even kiss her once would make him think that she might bend, that she might allow him to convince her to try again.

It could not be.

Liz managed to raise her eyes. He was staring down at her, his expression shuttered. There was nothing there at all. She couldn't tell if he was trying to hide hurt, disappointment or anger.

For one split second, she wondered if he had seen something. Maybe he was in shock. Maybe he was trying to hide how in shock he was so that she couldn't use it against him, couldn't say "I told you so! We don't belong together!"

Because if there was one thing Liz had learned from Max tonight, it was that he was not ready to let her go. Not by a long-shot. Four years later and, although she had broken his heart, he was just as devoted to her as ever. He was angry and, in some ways, hated her. But he still loved her too.

And, God help her, she still loved him. In spite of Sean, in spite of the fact that he made her happy and that she loved him too, there was no question that she was still in love with Max. What other explanation could there be for the fact that it had taken her four years to even approach him to get a divorce? Why would she have come herself if not to find out that he still loved her too? Why did she care so much that she was hurting him so badly?

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "That was out of line. It won't happen again."

Liz frowned slightly. He sounded kind of weird. She wondered again if he had gotten a flash in spite of the fact that she had refused to allow the connection to start. "I better go." She didn't move. Her feet seemed frozen to the ground.

"I guess so," Max replied.

"Will you think about what I said? Will you think about trying to move on?" Liz implored, not turning, still unable to leave his presence.

"Liz, if you won't let me in, if you won't show me why you think this is so important, I can't promise you anything," Max answered, his tone even. "But I promise I won't try again to convince you to give me another chance. That I will promise you."

Liz closed her eyes briefly. "Thank you." Even to her own ears, her tone sounded hurt. How could she be hurt because he was giving her what she wanted?

"Maria has your papers." Liz's eyes snapped open and she stared at him. His gaze was still steady on her face. "I signed them." She watched in dazed fascination as he reached out and gently pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Be happy Liz. That's all I want for you. If this is really what you want, then be happy."

There was nothing else to do but turn and walk away. She felt like she was walking to her death, but she did it. She actually left him standing there.

She knew that if she stayed for one more minute she would throw herself into his arms and damn the world to it's fate.

She had not choice but to leave.

Liz pushed her way into the Crashdown, tears brimming. She blinked at the sight that greeted her. "Maria! It's two-thirty in the morning!" When she saw Serena sitting in a booth, she realized that she wasn't even staying at her parents', that she should have gone back to the motel and that it was where Serena was supposed to be too.

"Chica, Serena called me when you didn't come back to the motel and we came here," Maria said, jumping to her feet from the stool on which she sat. "We just knew where you went." She glanced over her shoulder. "Liz, we need to tell you something."

But Liz couldn't hear anymore bad news. Not right now. She collapsed against Maria. "God. I can't believe this still hurts so much," she sobbed. "How can it still hurt so much after so much time?"

Maria stroked her hair comfortingly. "I'm sorry sweetie. But it's over now. He signed the papers."

Liz barely heard her though. "How can he still love me after everything? I just don't understand it. Why does he think I'm so special? I'm such an awful person Maria! Why can't he just let go?"

"Because he's Max," Maria whispered. "Liz, if you want to move on with your life, that's fine sweetie. But you're going to have to deal with the fact that he just [I]won't[/I]. He never will Liz. He has never loved anyone other than you and he never will." She pulled back, put her hands on both sides of Liz's face. "Lizzie, you [I]need[/I] to listen to me now though. You need to pull yourself together."

Serena was standing nearby, a pained expression on her face. "Liz, really, you [I]need[/I] to know something."

Liz blinked, her vision blurry. "Why?" She demanded. "I can't take anything more! Not tonight. I just [I]can't[/I]." And, yet, the looks of desperation crossing the faces of her two best friends made her heart start to thump in dismay. "What?" She asked quietly. "What is it?"

She glanced past her oldest friend when she realized that the swinging door to the back room was opening. Liz took a hurried step backward, her mouth falling open in shock. "Oh my God!" Liz gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. She collapsed onto one of the stools.

"Well, that wasn't the greeting I was expecting. I thought it would be a surprise but I didn't expect you to keel over in shock." He sounded flabbergasted, not a little hurt. Liz had never expected that there would come a day where she would not be happy to see him, but it had actually happened.

Because there he was, just standing there. The one person in the world who could make this situation worse.

It was her fiancé.