A/N - OK originally I was going to have another chapter where Chandler said
he was sorry blah blah blah, and then the epilogue as the funeral. The two
were both the same idea so I wrote something else! But I did like the idea
of the funeral and being a very superstitious girl I could NOT have a fic
with 13 chapters lol. So this is Chapter 14. . .the epilogue will probably
be up either later today or tomorrow depending on whether I can work the
ending in to the rest of the chapter. Oh yeah! According to American TV
shows (which, yes I do watch . . .) funerals are open-casket (unless the
guy has two heads or something equally strange when he died). Having never
been to an open-casket funeral, (kinda strange where I come from) I decided
that I'd do an English funeral thing. Sorry again for the cultural divide.
Chapter 14 - Regrets
Chandler walked up the aisle. It was only a few metres long but Chandler felt like he had been walking for an eternity. Before he reached the podium he paused involuntarily. The two caskets stood side by side, the way David and Eloise had always been. The way they should still be. He stood there staring, refusing to believe or even acknowledge what he was about to do, because that would make it real and the one thing he didn't want to be real was this. He looked at the two caskets, each one identical with the wreaths on top of each. The red roses perched there with the little cards from their daughter. The sashes at the bottom. Those had been Monica's idea. In gold lettering across the front they read 'Eloise' or 'David'. They told Chandler that his kid's bodies were in there, that in an hour his children were going to be lowered into the ground and he'd never see them again. All he'd have was two identical headstones. Side by side.
He realised that everyone's eyes must be on him and so he continued to walk. He climbed onto the alter and walked towards the podium. When he reached it he spent a moment just staring at the congregation. Every person he knew was here, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel. People from work, sent to represent the department. There were people David or Eloise had brought home from school. And some he'd never even seen before. His eye slowly focussed on the centre of the front row. Monica sat there, tears running down her face as Hope sat on her knee playing with her hair oblivious to the fact that she was at her parent's funeral. Slowly he opened his mouth and began to speak.
"I guess you all know why I'm here today. Why we're all here today. Originally I had a speech written but I just don't think I can read it right now. I'm just going to say what I feel. David and Eloise were my children, though I was not a blood relation of Eloise's I was the only person she called dad. I loved them both with all my heart, though I don't think I told them enough" Chandler paused them, his eyes fixed on the coffins as he went through his last sentence in his head. He hadn't told them often enough, and now he'd never be able to tell them again. They'd died thinking he hated them. As he drew a shaky breath he continued.
"You all know what I did. I did the thing I never thought I'd ever be able to do. I turned my back on my children when they needed me. I ruined their lives. Other people didn't seem to be bothered by their relationship, just me, and because of that I've my lost my babies. My children. The two people I was supposed to protect. And I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I messed up and I can never change that, I wish to God I could. I've killed my children, I've orphaned a little girl. It's strange to think that this time last year we were all happy, living together, laughing together" Chandler slowly turned to the two coffins and whispered, "I love you both, more than you'll ever know"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Monica looked over at Chandler and her heart broke again. He was sitting alone, staring out of the window. Everyone else was milling around the small room Monica had hired out for the party. It hadn't yet sunken in that she'd never see them again. That the baby she was holding in her arms wasn't a friend's, but her first grandchild. David and Eloise's daughter. A daughter that they'd never know.
Slowly she walked over to him and placed Hope in his arms. He didn't flinch. Monica felt the tears rising again. She knew he'd been taking this badly but he wasn't the only one who was hurting. They'd been her kids too and she still had to deal with it. She was the one who had found them, the one who couldn't no matter how hard she tried, get that image out of her head. She was the one who'd had to explain to Belle and Clare that they weren't coming back. She was the one who'd had to feed Hope in the middle of the night. She was the one that everyone was leaning on. Before she could yell she heard a bang behind her and turned round to see Rachel quickly picking up the mike she had just dropped.
"OK, I know today has been depressing and I just, well, I remember that Eloise always used to love this song so . . ." she began, turning to the CD player behind her, "This is for them"
As Rachel stood down and walked over to Monica and Chandler, the music began to play.
Where did you go when things went wrong now baby
Who did you run to and find a shoulder to lay your head upon
Baby, wasn`t I there
Didn`t I take good care of you
Oh no, I can`t believe you`re leaving me
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby I can`t go on
Who did you trust when you needed tenderness
I gave you so much and in return I found happiness
Baby, what did I do?
Maybe, I was too good to you
Oh no, I can`t believe you`re leaving me
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby I can`t go on
Remember, you said you`d never, never leave me
Remember, you said you`re always gonna need me
Remember, remember
I`m askin` ya, beggin` ya, please, please
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby I can't go on
Monica stood there listening to the words. The words she had, so many times, heard echoing from Eloise's bedroom. The words that would never come from that room again. She looked at Chandler, the song seemed to have had the same effect on him, he was staring at Hope, his eyes misted with tears. In that instant all the hate Monica had harboured over the past few months disappeared. This was Chandler, her Chandler. Her prince, her soul mate, her best friend. The one man she had ever truly loved. She sat down beside him, gently squeezing his hand.
"It's OK" she whispered softly, "We can get through this"
He looked at her then, looked at her properly for the first time in days. "I know" he replied, "As long as Hope never forgets her parents"
"I promise" she added, Chandler's tears now mirrored in her own eyes. They sat there then. Neither saying anything, neither having to. They both knew what the other was thinking. Both knew that words didn't matter. That no matter how much they regretted the past they couldn't change it. But they could change the future. They could try and work everything out, for David's sake, for Eloise's sake. For Hope's sake. For, Monica thought, that's what hope is. Strength. Strength to carry on.
Chapter 14 - Regrets
Chandler walked up the aisle. It was only a few metres long but Chandler felt like he had been walking for an eternity. Before he reached the podium he paused involuntarily. The two caskets stood side by side, the way David and Eloise had always been. The way they should still be. He stood there staring, refusing to believe or even acknowledge what he was about to do, because that would make it real and the one thing he didn't want to be real was this. He looked at the two caskets, each one identical with the wreaths on top of each. The red roses perched there with the little cards from their daughter. The sashes at the bottom. Those had been Monica's idea. In gold lettering across the front they read 'Eloise' or 'David'. They told Chandler that his kid's bodies were in there, that in an hour his children were going to be lowered into the ground and he'd never see them again. All he'd have was two identical headstones. Side by side.
He realised that everyone's eyes must be on him and so he continued to walk. He climbed onto the alter and walked towards the podium. When he reached it he spent a moment just staring at the congregation. Every person he knew was here, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel. People from work, sent to represent the department. There were people David or Eloise had brought home from school. And some he'd never even seen before. His eye slowly focussed on the centre of the front row. Monica sat there, tears running down her face as Hope sat on her knee playing with her hair oblivious to the fact that she was at her parent's funeral. Slowly he opened his mouth and began to speak.
"I guess you all know why I'm here today. Why we're all here today. Originally I had a speech written but I just don't think I can read it right now. I'm just going to say what I feel. David and Eloise were my children, though I was not a blood relation of Eloise's I was the only person she called dad. I loved them both with all my heart, though I don't think I told them enough" Chandler paused them, his eyes fixed on the coffins as he went through his last sentence in his head. He hadn't told them often enough, and now he'd never be able to tell them again. They'd died thinking he hated them. As he drew a shaky breath he continued.
"You all know what I did. I did the thing I never thought I'd ever be able to do. I turned my back on my children when they needed me. I ruined their lives. Other people didn't seem to be bothered by their relationship, just me, and because of that I've my lost my babies. My children. The two people I was supposed to protect. And I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I messed up and I can never change that, I wish to God I could. I've killed my children, I've orphaned a little girl. It's strange to think that this time last year we were all happy, living together, laughing together" Chandler slowly turned to the two coffins and whispered, "I love you both, more than you'll ever know"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Monica looked over at Chandler and her heart broke again. He was sitting alone, staring out of the window. Everyone else was milling around the small room Monica had hired out for the party. It hadn't yet sunken in that she'd never see them again. That the baby she was holding in her arms wasn't a friend's, but her first grandchild. David and Eloise's daughter. A daughter that they'd never know.
Slowly she walked over to him and placed Hope in his arms. He didn't flinch. Monica felt the tears rising again. She knew he'd been taking this badly but he wasn't the only one who was hurting. They'd been her kids too and she still had to deal with it. She was the one who had found them, the one who couldn't no matter how hard she tried, get that image out of her head. She was the one who'd had to explain to Belle and Clare that they weren't coming back. She was the one who'd had to feed Hope in the middle of the night. She was the one that everyone was leaning on. Before she could yell she heard a bang behind her and turned round to see Rachel quickly picking up the mike she had just dropped.
"OK, I know today has been depressing and I just, well, I remember that Eloise always used to love this song so . . ." she began, turning to the CD player behind her, "This is for them"
As Rachel stood down and walked over to Monica and Chandler, the music began to play.
Where did you go when things went wrong now baby
Who did you run to and find a shoulder to lay your head upon
Baby, wasn`t I there
Didn`t I take good care of you
Oh no, I can`t believe you`re leaving me
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby I can`t go on
Who did you trust when you needed tenderness
I gave you so much and in return I found happiness
Baby, what did I do?
Maybe, I was too good to you
Oh no, I can`t believe you`re leaving me
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby I can`t go on
Remember, you said you`d never, never leave me
Remember, you said you`re always gonna need me
Remember, remember
I`m askin` ya, beggin` ya, please, please
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby
Stay with me baby I can't go on
Monica stood there listening to the words. The words she had, so many times, heard echoing from Eloise's bedroom. The words that would never come from that room again. She looked at Chandler, the song seemed to have had the same effect on him, he was staring at Hope, his eyes misted with tears. In that instant all the hate Monica had harboured over the past few months disappeared. This was Chandler, her Chandler. Her prince, her soul mate, her best friend. The one man she had ever truly loved. She sat down beside him, gently squeezing his hand.
"It's OK" she whispered softly, "We can get through this"
He looked at her then, looked at her properly for the first time in days. "I know" he replied, "As long as Hope never forgets her parents"
"I promise" she added, Chandler's tears now mirrored in her own eyes. They sat there then. Neither saying anything, neither having to. They both knew what the other was thinking. Both knew that words didn't matter. That no matter how much they regretted the past they couldn't change it. But they could change the future. They could try and work everything out, for David's sake, for Eloise's sake. For Hope's sake. For, Monica thought, that's what hope is. Strength. Strength to carry on.
