Grief, Sorrow, Comfort

Shippou couldn't stop himself.  As he had watched Inuyasha sit up, and speak to Miroku and Sango it had dawned on him.  Inuyasha was alive.  But Kagome was dead.  Rather than lessening his grief, this only filled him with fury.  Kagome was dead.  She was gone for forever.  And Inuyasha was alive.  Inuyasha was walking toward him.  Kagome lay before him, disturbingly still.  Inuyasha had rushed to save his undead ex-lover.  Kagome had died killing Naraku.  Inuyasha was reaching for her.  As if she belonged to him.  Kagome had died.  She had died killing Naraku because Inuyasha wasn't there to protect her.  Inuyasha did not deserve to cry over her.  He did not deserve to hold her and grieve over her.  Inuyasha had not watched her die.

Sango pulled him, still screaming and crying, off of Inuyasha.  She actually enlisted the aid of Kirara to control the suddenly wild kitsune.  At the suggestion of Miroku, she carried him away from the battlefield.  He collapsed on Kirara's back, sobbing uncontrollably.

Eventually Kirara came to a stop at the base of a tree, where the sun fell gently on them.  Shippou could not stop crying as Sango pulled him into her arms.  He felt her tears falling on his head as she held him.  He felt her sobs as she shared his grief.  Kagome had been her friend too.  Kagome had been everyone's friend.  Everyone had loved her.  Why had she been the one to die?  Why couldn't it have been him?  He clung to the comfort Sango offered, which was simply in not being alone, that she felt the same way he did.  In simply sharing this horrid feeling with someone else, it subsided, until both of their tears were spent.

"What will happen now?"  He asked her quietly.  She still hugged him close, kind of the way Kagome used too.

"Right now, or from now on?" Sango replied.

Shippou considered it.  "Right now.  What do we do now?"

"We could go back, and help Miroku and Inuyasha…" She paused, looking at the kit, hoping she hadn't just incited another fit.  At the mention of Inuyasha, Shippou tensed.  His face darkened and his hands balled into fists.

"Shippou… he loved her too."  Sango said, gently as she could, because deep in her heart, she was angry at the hanyou too.  Her mind could rationalize what had happened.  She could understand that Inuyasha had had no real choice in the matter.  That he had thought Naraku was pulling his same old disappearing trick.  But deep down, she was angry with him for letting Kagome die.  For letting her take on Naraku alone.  But she also knew, that as angry as she and Shippou were right now, it was nothing compared to how much he must hate himself.

"Then why-?" Shippou couldn't say it again.

"He didn't know.  He thought she was safe.  Shippou, he's alive, and he's our friend.  He needs us now."

The kitsune snorted.  Sango just gently scratched his ears, knowing that eventually, he would come around.  In the meantime she just held him, shared his sorrow, and wondered what Miroku was doing with Inuyasha.

Miroku was at a loss.  He didn't know what exactly to do or say to the hanyou, but he was fairly certain he had to get Inuyasha up.  Eventually.  For now, it was okay to let him grieve. 

Inuyasha's only movement, from the time Sango and Kirara had removed the wild kit, had been to roll over, so that he lay on his side, his face close to Kagome's.  But he kept his hands close to himself, not touching her.  His eyes were closed, and he was curled up, the very picture of despair.

Miroku sat down, behind the hanyou.  He was exhausted from the battle, and felt like he could barely stand.  Well, monk, he thought to himself, looking at his newly whole hand, was it worth it?  One of your very few friends is dead, the rest are heartbroken for the rest of their lives.  But your hand is whole, you will live to be an old man, and if Sango ever forgives you, you'll have many children. Kagome lifted the curse.  But the price!  The price!  Shippou loved her like a mother.  What will happen to the boy now, after losing one set of parents, and now her too?  She was Sango's best friend, and mine.  And Inuyasha… Inuyasha, what will happen to you?  Can you survive this?  Or will you diefrom grief?  I know, Inuyasha, even if you never admitted it.  I know she was your only reason for living.  The jewel was never more than your excuse for keeping her here with you.

Miroku could only imagine what his friend was feeling, could barely feel anything himself.  The feelings of joy and triumph he had expected upon Naraku's defeat were cancelled out and overwhelmed by the pain of Kagome's death.  His numbness faded, as he watched his hanyou friend shake from the silent sobs wracking his body.  The sorrow settled on him as well, and Miroku let himself cry.  He put his face in his hands and he cried, for Kagome, whose dreams would never come true, for Inuyasha, who would hate himself for eternity, for Sango and Shippou who had both already suffered such loss, and for himself. 

Inuyasha was letting himself drown in his sorrow and the smell of her blood.  He didn't care anymore.  What was the point in becoming full human or demon anymore?  She was gone.  His light, his purpose, his joy… she was gone.  The past years weren't long enough… they had wasted so much time fighting!  So much time hurting each other.  He wished he could take it all back, all the insults and threats, all the snide remarks, all the pain he caused her over Kikyou.  He knew the truth now, about himself and Kikyou and Kagome.  Why couldn't things have been this clear before she died?  Why couldn't I have understood before she was gone forever?  Kagome… Kagome I miss you!  Kagome I need you here… I need you with me.  Only you, Kagome.  Only you… Why did you have to die?  For that wretched jewel?  It wasn't worth it, Kagome.  It wasn't worth your life!  I wasn't worth your life!  Kagome… why have you left me?

Inuyasha had never felt such deep profound sorrow in his life, not even when his mother had died.  He never wanted to move.  He never wanted to open his eyes again, knowing that her smiling face would not be there.  He never wanted to breathe knowing he'd never catch her scent again.  He just wanted to lay right here, he just wanted to become numb.  He just wanted to die, to be with her.

Yes… I will be with you, Kagome.  I will not leave this spot until we are together.  What is life without you?  I will be with you Kagome.  I swear it…

Even if he didn't know how he had gotten so hurt, the hanyou was badly wounded, and drifting in and out of consciousness as he lay beside the woman he loved more than anything.  He wasn't even aware of it, until she came to him.

"Inuyasha…" Was that?  Could it be?  Inuyasha opened his eyes, and realized he must be dreaming, because he was no longer on the battlefield.  He was nowhere… drifting in a warm and comforting void.

"Inuyasha, what are you doing?"  It was Kagome's voice!  It was her!  Perhaps he was dead, and he was joining her in the otherworld.

"Kagome!  Kagome where are you?"

"I'm right here, goofball."  Inuyasha couldn't see her, but he felt her arms wrapping around him in a tight hug.  "What are you doing here?"

"Kagome, I'm so sorry!  I let you die, and now I have to too…" Inuyasha held her invisible form tightly, closing his eyes again.  "I can't live without you, Kagome.  I love you."

"I know.  At least, I know that now… I never knew that before.  I know a lot of things now, which I didn't know before.  And you didn't let me die.  I saw you go down before I did.  Kikyou explained to me what happened.  She's here too, you know?  And she understands.  But Inuyasha, you can't die, you silly!  You have to get up!  You have to help them, Miroku and Sango and Shippou.  You have to take care of him, especially.  You're all he has left.  For now…"

"But…"

"No buts…  Shippou needs you.  He's angry right now, but he'll get over it.  You need to go get him, and talk to him.  And then you need to heal, because you both need to be strong for what comes next."

            "Kagome, why are you leaving me?  I love you, I can't do this without you!"

            "Inuyasha, you have to trust me.  You're very badly hurt, and if you don't get up you could die, and I can't let that happen.  You know I love you, too, right?  Just… just know that I love you.  That's all for now.  I love you."

            And with that, Inuyasha felt himself being shoved out.  "Kagome!  What do you mean?  Kagome!"

            But she was gone, and the hanyou felt himself coming back to consciousness.  He opened his eyes, and there she was.  Her dead body was right before him.  He lay there for a while, thinking about what had just happened.  He examined her words carefully, trying to get some clue as to what she meant.

            Kikyou explained to her what happened?  She understands?  I'm glad they do, because I sure don't.  She wants me to take care of Shippou… and to know that she loves me.  Why can't I be with her?  I can't do this by myself, Kagome I need you.  But… she said 'for now'.  'For now…' that means she's planning something.  Kagome always finds a way, and as stubborn as she is…who knows?  She said I have to trust her, and I will.

            He sat up, wincing.  How had he gotten so hurt?  Miroku was beside him in an instant.

            "Do you know what happened to her?  How it happened?"  He asked the monk.

            "Hai.  Sango and I were handling Naraku's triplet demons, I didn't see much else until Naraku summoned the miasma and disappeared.  I saw Kikyou calling to you, but didn't hear her."  Miroku paused, he didn't want to hurt his friend further.  But Inuyasha deserved the truth.  "I looked to Kagome, she had dropped her bow when you fell in the miasma.  I think she thought you were dead.  Naraku, I don't know how he did it, but he appeared, right behind her.  He grabbed her and took off, grabbing at her throat for her half of the jewel.  She looked so… like she'd thought of something funny… she was almost smiling, I think.  She began to glow, calling on her miko powers.  She held onto her half, and reached into Naraku's chest, where, I am guessing, he kept his half.  There was a blinding light, and when it faded, Naraku was gone.  She fell slowly, like a leaf.  Landing just the way she is now.  My hand was healed, and the other demons retreated almost immediately.  We thought you were dead, until… well, you know the rest."

            Inuyasha thought about this.  "You don't know what happened to me?"

            "No," the monk replied, "It was hard to see through the miasma, but it seemed like you fell before you even reached Kikyou, and she just seemed to dissolve.  Why?"

            "Cause I don't know what happened to me.  One second I was running to Kikyou, wondering why she was alive, thinking that Kagome was alright now that Naraku had disappeared, like he always did, the next moment I was opening my eyes to look at the sky, wondering how I had gotten so wounded.  If only I hadn't gone after Kikyou… I thought that she was dead.  And when she called out for my help, I had to go!  But I should have taken care of Kagome first!  What happened to me?"

            Inuyasha stood, wincing and cursing.  "Where'd Sango take Shippou?  I've got to talk to the kid…"

            "I'm sure Sango will bring him back once he calms down." Miroku stood beside the hanyou, trying to help him without being obvious about it.  Inuyasha gave him a look.  "They went that-a-way."  The monk pointed in the direction they had gone.  Inuyasha just nodded and started walking.

            "She said I've got to take care of him now… I'm all he's got left."  Inuyasha was talking to himself, but Miroku caught his words as he settled down to say a few prayers over Kagome's body while he waited for the others to return.