Author's Note: You'll notice that this takes place 4 years after the prologue. Right now I don't have any serious plans to write Jess's story in those 4 years, but if I get inspired, I would consider writing interludes or possibly a companion piece about this time frame.
Also, in response to the feedback, I'd like to make a few clarifications. Everything that happened in season 3 happened in this fic (including Jess's phone call to Rory in the season finale). I have made some revisions in the prologue to reflect this, since I made it unclear in the original version. It's not necessary to reread to understand the plot, but it's there if anyone wants to see what I did.
And for those who asked, I'm not really sure if this is going to be Literati or not. It probably will. But the idea for this fic stemmed from an idea I had for one scene (which will take place in a couple chapters) and I kind of built the fic around that idea. I have a general outline of how I want this to go, but I'm just going to see where the characters take me.
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Chapter 1
Summer, 2007
The sun was particularly hot on this July day. It beat down on the sand, making it hurt to stand in one spot for too long. It rippled through the air obscuring the clarity of distant objects. The tar in the road was beginning to melt, leaving black shoe prints behind the few who walked through it. A sea breeze cooled everything momentarily, but that too was gone after a moment.
Kids laughed as they ran through a sprinkler. A man wiped his brow as he tried to fix an air conditioner. The homeless had given up hoping for someone else's spare change long ago and sought refuge in shade of the trees as best as they could. In the distance, a dog barked.
Jess leaned over the counter of the bookstore reading. The store was deserted and he had nothing better to do. Most people didn't want to be outside for any amount of time in this kind of weather, which meant most people didn't want to go to the bookstore, especially one that had no fourth wall to allow easy access from the boardwalk and therefore almost as hot as outside. He had been standing in the same spot for almost two hours without a single customer. He had barely moved a muscle but nonetheless he could feel tiny beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.
The place was quiet, for once, and it was a nice change of pace. Almost everyday the store was jam-packed with the most eccentric kinds of people you could imagine, because that was the kind of people that inhabited Venice Beach. Some were regulars, some were tourists, but there was always someone. He could always tell who was there to buy a book to skim while they got a tan and who wanted to read literature. The amount of people who came in looking for the latest trendy best-seller amazed him. But today there was no one and Jess was taking the opportunity to get paid to read, instead of telling other people what to read. It seemed like a fair deal to him.
Suddenly the book closed and Jess set it down on the counter. It was too hot to read, he couldn't concentrate.
He looked around the store for something to amuse him. He spotted the far wall and as he walked around the counter he wiped his forehead with the back of his palm. He wondered when this heat was going to pass.
As he made his way over to the "Employee Recommendations" shelf he straightened some messy piles and picked up a couple stray books that hadn't been put back in their proper spot. He felt bad for all those times he didn't put something back where he got it from after he decided he wasn't going to buy it (or steal it). It just made extra work for somebody else. And this time it was him, which was the problem.
He slowed as he neared his destination to survey the shelf of books he'd picked out the last time he'd done this. It was hard to pick out just 5 books to recommend to others. There were so many great books to choose from. He never knew whether to pick books that he himself enjoyed or books that he thought everyone should read. He never knew if the average person could handle his personal favorites. Arrogant? Probably. But not all wrong.
He picked the books that were currently on the recommendations shelf and worked his way through the store to put them away. On his way he browsed the shelves, sometimes trading books that would take its place.
Every time he did this, there was always something else in the back of his mind. Something that would nag him and wouldn't go away. He tried to ignore it, but he never could. It was the eternal and unending questions that he would never get the answers to. Which books would she choose? What would she have to say about the books he'd chosen?
Because of that, he always choose one book that he thought she might. Not so much in honor of her, but in memory of who she was. Someone who could handle his personal favorites. Someone who enjoyed good literature. Someone who could hold their own in a debate. Someone who could change your whole life just by being the kind of person they were.
Someone who had changed him.
He shook his head, trying to loose his train of thought. He concentrated on the task at hand, and made his way back over to display the books he had picked out for his shelf. After placing them all in their proper spot, he looked at it was satisfaction and made his way back to the counter on the other side of the store, where he picked up the book he had tossed aside earlier and tried to continue reading.
five hours later
The sun had finally set and in it's absence the night brought with it a coolness that was welcomed by all. Jess was locking the gate to the bookstore and then started his short walk back... to wherever it was that he called the place he slept at night.
It wasn't quite home, but it was more than a stopover on his way through town.
Jess thought of the time he'd spent here. In the beginning it was awkward. Jimmy didn't know how to have a son. Jess didn't know how to have a father. Eventually though, they learned how to talk to each other as people. Sasha didn't have a problem with him staying so long as he didn't kick the dogs or cause any trouble, and he and Lily had a sort of unspoken bond. They'd sit and read for hours. She'd sit in the closet in the living room and he'd sit on the couch. One day when he was looking particularly somber, she offered him her space in the cabinet in Jimmy's study. It was a sweet gesture for a kid, and Jess took her up on it. After that it kind of became a habit. So sometimes he'd sit in the cabinet in Jimmy's study and she'd sit at Jimmy's desk. They shared books and debated a little. She liked to tag along with him when he went to work sometimes, which was fine. She was one of the least annoying kids he knew and sometimes he enjoyed the company.
Jess had gotten the job at the bookstore after talking to Sasha and he'd been working there for almost four years. Sometimes he worked shifts at the Inferno when Jimmy needed someone to fill in and he did odd jobs for the neighbors every now and then. He didn't work full-time but he worked a lot and he chipped in on rent and helped with groceries as he could. The rest he saved. Saved for what, he wasn't really sure, but save he did. He'd been saving for awhile now, money that went all the way back to his days at Wal-mart.
About a year ago he had written a check to Luke for $5000. Some of it was to pay him back for the cost of the damages Luke had fronted to keep him out of trouble. The rest of it, he wasn't sure. Some of it was thank you. Some of it was sorry. Some of it just was.
As Jess approached the house, he could see the light on inside and the outline of Jimmy and Sasha in the window. He still wasn't a dad, but he was someone Jess had spent the last 4 years of his life with. He still rambled when he was nervous about nothing in particular and was still living the high life as the owner of a hot dog stand, but he hadn't run out on Jess, and maybe more importantly, he hadn't kicked Jess out yet, and for that Jess had to give him credit.
The dogs didn't bother him today. They just whined as he walked by. They were probably still lethargic from the heat they had to endure earlier.
He slid his key into the lock and made his way inside. Jimmy and Sasha were sitting on the couch talking.
Jimmy looked over at him as he entered, "Hey Jess. Enjoy the heat today?"
"Oh yeah," he replied. "I think there was one customer in the store today and I'm pretty sure he only came in cause the magazine stand was closed and was looking for porn. How was the Inferno?"
Sasha interrupted, "Can you not make the really bad joke I know you're thinking right now?"
Jimmy looked at her and sighed, "You're very demanding you know that?" He looked back at Jess. "We didn't get much business today either. I don't think hot food on a hot day goes very well."
"The condiments aren't hot. The condiments are supposed to be cold."
"That's what I said!" Jess turned around and looked at the cabinet where the voice he had just heard was coming from.
"I thought you couldn't fit in there anymore?"
"I'm flexible." Apparently that was all the explanation he was going to get.
"Just don't get stuck in there again." He turned back to Jimmy, "Why don't you get her a bigger one of those?"
"I like this one. It has sentimental value."
"What sentiments?" Jess asked.
"The ones that are valuable."
"Oh, those. Of course." Jess walked into the kitchen to grab a coke out of the fridge and wandered back into the living room.
"The one in my study is bigger. You fit in that one. But she doesn't go in that one cause you go in that one and she likes this one."
"Well, I certainly wouldn't fit in this one. And I'm not in the other one that much. She could go in there if she wanted."
Sasha looked at him skeptically, "Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, do you guys want to order from Wildflower tonight?"
"Oh, yeah. I want lasagna." Lily called as she opened the cabinet door and struggled to get out. After a few minutes she looked over at Jimmy and Sasha on the couch, "Maybe I do need a bigger one."
"Or maybe you could read outside, where the sun is." Jess told her. He stood leaning against the far wall, watching the whole thing.
"The sun? What is that?" and then she giggled.
"What are you reading in there anyway?" Jess asked.
"The Fountainhead. But I don't understand it much. I'm probably gonna have to reread it in a couple years."
Jess stopped all movement and stared at her. "You're reading The Fountainhead?"
"Yeah. I think I like it. Except for the whole not understanding it thing."
"Alright, I'm gonna call in our order. Jess, what do you want?" Sasha turned to look at him as she was about to pick up the phone, but all she saw was the door closing behind him as he shut himself in Jimmy's study.
Sasha looked at Jimmy and Lily, who had finally managed to free herself from the confines of the cabinet, "What's wrong with him?"
"Maybe he really doesn't want to give up his cabinet?" Jimmy said. Lily and Sasha both rolled their eyes at him.
--------------
Jess was sitting in the dark. He had shut the door to Jimmy's study and tried to shut out the world by hiding in the cabinet. He had the book light with him but he couldn't bring himself to turn it on. Lily had bought him one for his birthday last year after he started making a habit of hanging out in there. As much as he teased her about it, he had to admit there was a certain quality to the solitary confinement that was appealing, in minimal doses that is. He came in here when he needed to think. Or not think.
It had been four years. Four years since he left Stars Hallow. Four years to gain perspective on what had happened there.
He had gotten himself caught in his own trap. He had built a wall around himself in New York. That place had taught him to be hard and invulnerable and it taught him well. He tried hard not to care what other people told him to do or thought, and most of the time he did the opposite just to spite them. Everyone wanted him to be somebody or do something different, and it got to the point where he couldn't breathe, he didn't have the room to step back and realize what he wanted to do for himself. He was so caught up in his own game he didn't even realize what he was doing.
But Rory made him feel things he had never felt before. Her smile alone could crack the walls he had built around himself. He didn't quite know what to do with that feeling. He didn't know how to have those kind of feelings.
He didn't think about her all the time anymore. Not the way he used to. He used to sit in here for hours and just wonder how to get her out of his head. But time passed and he learned to live without her. He could get by most weeks without thinking of her.
He didn't change a whole lot when he was with her, not as much as she deserved, but that's where it started. Not because she asked, because she never would. Everything about her was just infectious.
He still had a hell of a lot of growing up to do after he had left, but he liked to think she gave him whatever it was that helped him through it. Her and Luke that was.
Luke had changed him in a different way. He had a certain respect for Luke, even if he didn't show it while he had lived there. But the night before he left Stars Hollow, that had changed him the most. The more he thought about, the more what Luke had said dug into him. And it made him not want to be that kid who was mad at the world with a chip on his shoulder never letting anyone give him a chance. He didn't want to be the guy that worked 40 hours a week at a job he hated for a hundred dollar bonus or the guy in the back of the classroom who raved about Steely Dan.
Hindsight is one of the more ironic catch 22's of the world.
And so he learned how to live with himself. Getting away from it all gave him the perspective he needed to process it and realize what it meant. He had changed over the years. He had grown.
He leaned his head against the wall, and stared up at the ceiling he couldn't see.
He wondered what Rory was doing right now. He wondered if he would ever stop wondering that. She had most likely graduated. From Yale. He wished he could feel proud of her. And he probably would have if he knew anything about her life, if he was any way a part of it. But it was his own fault he wasn't.
Was she making it big as the hottest new reporter at USA Today, or was she interning and working her way up at The New Yorker? Or was she spending her last summer at home in Stars Hallow, enjoying the crazy festivals one last time before she embarked on a crazy overseas assignment. Maybe she was sitting at Luke's, right now, reminiscing about that boy who used to work there.
And he wondered about Luke, about the diner. He wondered if Luke and Lorelai had finally worked everything out, or if he had settled down with Nicole and maybe he had a cousin. He shook his head, he couldn't imagine Luke with a kid. And then he found himself wondering about all the other crazy people who inhabited that crazy town, for god knows what reason. He hadn't thought about them in a really long time. Did Ms Patty still teach dance? Was Kirk still insane? Was Taylor still driving the town crazy? He wondered if Luke had killed Taylor yet and how he might have gotten away with it.
And he could feel the restlessness start to overtake him. It started in his stomach and spread through his whole body until he could feel it in every muscle. This was it. He had to do something.
He wondered if this was how his father had felt on his fishing boat in Maine or in an apartment in Chicago. Or sitting in his car in New York 22 years ago.
He could stay and continue to wonder about those things, about Rory, about Luke, for the rest of his life. Or he was going to go and find out the answers.
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The sun shown through the partially open blinds creating lines of light throughout the room. The elongated spaces of brightness made the rest of the room look dull and sad in comparison. The birds were awake and talking excitedly, and loudly, about whatever it is that birds talk about, waking up many of those who had planned to sleep through the morning.
This day was cooler than the last. The air was crisper than normal and filled with promise. The sky was blue, not a cloud in the sky.
Jess surveyed his room, making sure he wasn't leaving anything important behind. Grabbing the last book from under his bed, he slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and walked into the living room.
Sasha, Jimmy, and Lily sat at the kitchen table talking and eating breakfast. Jimmy heard Jess exit his room and called out to him, "Hey, what time you working today? Cause I need - " he cut short as Jess entered the kitchen and everyone looked at him in the doorway. They noticed the bag slung over his shoulder and continued to stare.
After almost a minute, Jimmy broke the silence, "You packed your bag." It was a statement, one which held the question and the answer he was looking for.
Jess bit back his sarcastic remark about stating the obvious and nodded, "Yeah. I did."
"You leaving?" Lily asked.
"I think so." He considered his last statement and clarified, "I mean, yeah, I guess I am."
Lily stood up and walked over to him. "Why?"
"I have some stuff I need to figure out. Things I need to find out. Things I need to try to fix."
"Anything we can do?" Sasha asked.
He shook his head. "Nah, I gotta do this myself." She nodded in understanding.
He was never good at goodbyes. Which is probably why he usually left without them. "So, anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, for everything. I know I was asking a lot when I started staying here." He paused. "So thanks."
Lily wrapped her arms around him and held him in a hug. Unsure of this display of affection, he tentatively placed his arms around her before picking her up and holding her.
"Are you ever gonna come back?" she asked.
He looked over her shoulder at Sasha and Jimmy who were watching them. "It's definetly not out of the question."
When he set her down, Sasha walked over and gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek. She smiled at him. "I'm proud of you. You did good here. You're welcome anytime." With that turned to Lily. "You wanna run to the market with me Lil?"
"Can we get pop tarts?" she asked hopefully.
"Sure thing." She grabbed the keys off the counter and with one last wave at Jess vacated the apartment.
Jimmy was still sitting in the same spot at the kitchen table. He awkwardly stood up. "So, this is it."
Jess nodded, "Looks like it."
"It was an interesting ride."
"That it was."
"Thanks."
Jess knitted his eyebrows in confusion. "Thanks?"
"Yeah. For not busting my balls. For giving me the chance to know you."
"Yeah. You too."
They both stood staring at their shoes for a minute, before Jimmy finally reached over and pulled Jess into a hug. It was awkward, but it was what it was, and it was father and son hugging. "Take care of yourself, kid. Let's not wait another 18 years to see each other again, okay?"
Jess nodded as he pulled away, "Sounds like a plan."
As Jess turned to leave, Jimmy called after him, "Where you headed?"
He stopped and turned his head slightly as he said it out loud for the first time, "I think that's what I'm trying to figure out."
Also, in response to the feedback, I'd like to make a few clarifications. Everything that happened in season 3 happened in this fic (including Jess's phone call to Rory in the season finale). I have made some revisions in the prologue to reflect this, since I made it unclear in the original version. It's not necessary to reread to understand the plot, but it's there if anyone wants to see what I did.
And for those who asked, I'm not really sure if this is going to be Literati or not. It probably will. But the idea for this fic stemmed from an idea I had for one scene (which will take place in a couple chapters) and I kind of built the fic around that idea. I have a general outline of how I want this to go, but I'm just going to see where the characters take me.
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Chapter 1
Summer, 2007
The sun was particularly hot on this July day. It beat down on the sand, making it hurt to stand in one spot for too long. It rippled through the air obscuring the clarity of distant objects. The tar in the road was beginning to melt, leaving black shoe prints behind the few who walked through it. A sea breeze cooled everything momentarily, but that too was gone after a moment.
Kids laughed as they ran through a sprinkler. A man wiped his brow as he tried to fix an air conditioner. The homeless had given up hoping for someone else's spare change long ago and sought refuge in shade of the trees as best as they could. In the distance, a dog barked.
Jess leaned over the counter of the bookstore reading. The store was deserted and he had nothing better to do. Most people didn't want to be outside for any amount of time in this kind of weather, which meant most people didn't want to go to the bookstore, especially one that had no fourth wall to allow easy access from the boardwalk and therefore almost as hot as outside. He had been standing in the same spot for almost two hours without a single customer. He had barely moved a muscle but nonetheless he could feel tiny beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.
The place was quiet, for once, and it was a nice change of pace. Almost everyday the store was jam-packed with the most eccentric kinds of people you could imagine, because that was the kind of people that inhabited Venice Beach. Some were regulars, some were tourists, but there was always someone. He could always tell who was there to buy a book to skim while they got a tan and who wanted to read literature. The amount of people who came in looking for the latest trendy best-seller amazed him. But today there was no one and Jess was taking the opportunity to get paid to read, instead of telling other people what to read. It seemed like a fair deal to him.
Suddenly the book closed and Jess set it down on the counter. It was too hot to read, he couldn't concentrate.
He looked around the store for something to amuse him. He spotted the far wall and as he walked around the counter he wiped his forehead with the back of his palm. He wondered when this heat was going to pass.
As he made his way over to the "Employee Recommendations" shelf he straightened some messy piles and picked up a couple stray books that hadn't been put back in their proper spot. He felt bad for all those times he didn't put something back where he got it from after he decided he wasn't going to buy it (or steal it). It just made extra work for somebody else. And this time it was him, which was the problem.
He slowed as he neared his destination to survey the shelf of books he'd picked out the last time he'd done this. It was hard to pick out just 5 books to recommend to others. There were so many great books to choose from. He never knew whether to pick books that he himself enjoyed or books that he thought everyone should read. He never knew if the average person could handle his personal favorites. Arrogant? Probably. But not all wrong.
He picked the books that were currently on the recommendations shelf and worked his way through the store to put them away. On his way he browsed the shelves, sometimes trading books that would take its place.
Every time he did this, there was always something else in the back of his mind. Something that would nag him and wouldn't go away. He tried to ignore it, but he never could. It was the eternal and unending questions that he would never get the answers to. Which books would she choose? What would she have to say about the books he'd chosen?
Because of that, he always choose one book that he thought she might. Not so much in honor of her, but in memory of who she was. Someone who could handle his personal favorites. Someone who enjoyed good literature. Someone who could hold their own in a debate. Someone who could change your whole life just by being the kind of person they were.
Someone who had changed him.
He shook his head, trying to loose his train of thought. He concentrated on the task at hand, and made his way back over to display the books he had picked out for his shelf. After placing them all in their proper spot, he looked at it was satisfaction and made his way back to the counter on the other side of the store, where he picked up the book he had tossed aside earlier and tried to continue reading.
five hours later
The sun had finally set and in it's absence the night brought with it a coolness that was welcomed by all. Jess was locking the gate to the bookstore and then started his short walk back... to wherever it was that he called the place he slept at night.
It wasn't quite home, but it was more than a stopover on his way through town.
Jess thought of the time he'd spent here. In the beginning it was awkward. Jimmy didn't know how to have a son. Jess didn't know how to have a father. Eventually though, they learned how to talk to each other as people. Sasha didn't have a problem with him staying so long as he didn't kick the dogs or cause any trouble, and he and Lily had a sort of unspoken bond. They'd sit and read for hours. She'd sit in the closet in the living room and he'd sit on the couch. One day when he was looking particularly somber, she offered him her space in the cabinet in Jimmy's study. It was a sweet gesture for a kid, and Jess took her up on it. After that it kind of became a habit. So sometimes he'd sit in the cabinet in Jimmy's study and she'd sit at Jimmy's desk. They shared books and debated a little. She liked to tag along with him when he went to work sometimes, which was fine. She was one of the least annoying kids he knew and sometimes he enjoyed the company.
Jess had gotten the job at the bookstore after talking to Sasha and he'd been working there for almost four years. Sometimes he worked shifts at the Inferno when Jimmy needed someone to fill in and he did odd jobs for the neighbors every now and then. He didn't work full-time but he worked a lot and he chipped in on rent and helped with groceries as he could. The rest he saved. Saved for what, he wasn't really sure, but save he did. He'd been saving for awhile now, money that went all the way back to his days at Wal-mart.
About a year ago he had written a check to Luke for $5000. Some of it was to pay him back for the cost of the damages Luke had fronted to keep him out of trouble. The rest of it, he wasn't sure. Some of it was thank you. Some of it was sorry. Some of it just was.
As Jess approached the house, he could see the light on inside and the outline of Jimmy and Sasha in the window. He still wasn't a dad, but he was someone Jess had spent the last 4 years of his life with. He still rambled when he was nervous about nothing in particular and was still living the high life as the owner of a hot dog stand, but he hadn't run out on Jess, and maybe more importantly, he hadn't kicked Jess out yet, and for that Jess had to give him credit.
The dogs didn't bother him today. They just whined as he walked by. They were probably still lethargic from the heat they had to endure earlier.
He slid his key into the lock and made his way inside. Jimmy and Sasha were sitting on the couch talking.
Jimmy looked over at him as he entered, "Hey Jess. Enjoy the heat today?"
"Oh yeah," he replied. "I think there was one customer in the store today and I'm pretty sure he only came in cause the magazine stand was closed and was looking for porn. How was the Inferno?"
Sasha interrupted, "Can you not make the really bad joke I know you're thinking right now?"
Jimmy looked at her and sighed, "You're very demanding you know that?" He looked back at Jess. "We didn't get much business today either. I don't think hot food on a hot day goes very well."
"The condiments aren't hot. The condiments are supposed to be cold."
"That's what I said!" Jess turned around and looked at the cabinet where the voice he had just heard was coming from.
"I thought you couldn't fit in there anymore?"
"I'm flexible." Apparently that was all the explanation he was going to get.
"Just don't get stuck in there again." He turned back to Jimmy, "Why don't you get her a bigger one of those?"
"I like this one. It has sentimental value."
"What sentiments?" Jess asked.
"The ones that are valuable."
"Oh, those. Of course." Jess walked into the kitchen to grab a coke out of the fridge and wandered back into the living room.
"The one in my study is bigger. You fit in that one. But she doesn't go in that one cause you go in that one and she likes this one."
"Well, I certainly wouldn't fit in this one. And I'm not in the other one that much. She could go in there if she wanted."
Sasha looked at him skeptically, "Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, do you guys want to order from Wildflower tonight?"
"Oh, yeah. I want lasagna." Lily called as she opened the cabinet door and struggled to get out. After a few minutes she looked over at Jimmy and Sasha on the couch, "Maybe I do need a bigger one."
"Or maybe you could read outside, where the sun is." Jess told her. He stood leaning against the far wall, watching the whole thing.
"The sun? What is that?" and then she giggled.
"What are you reading in there anyway?" Jess asked.
"The Fountainhead. But I don't understand it much. I'm probably gonna have to reread it in a couple years."
Jess stopped all movement and stared at her. "You're reading The Fountainhead?"
"Yeah. I think I like it. Except for the whole not understanding it thing."
"Alright, I'm gonna call in our order. Jess, what do you want?" Sasha turned to look at him as she was about to pick up the phone, but all she saw was the door closing behind him as he shut himself in Jimmy's study.
Sasha looked at Jimmy and Lily, who had finally managed to free herself from the confines of the cabinet, "What's wrong with him?"
"Maybe he really doesn't want to give up his cabinet?" Jimmy said. Lily and Sasha both rolled their eyes at him.
--------------
Jess was sitting in the dark. He had shut the door to Jimmy's study and tried to shut out the world by hiding in the cabinet. He had the book light with him but he couldn't bring himself to turn it on. Lily had bought him one for his birthday last year after he started making a habit of hanging out in there. As much as he teased her about it, he had to admit there was a certain quality to the solitary confinement that was appealing, in minimal doses that is. He came in here when he needed to think. Or not think.
It had been four years. Four years since he left Stars Hallow. Four years to gain perspective on what had happened there.
He had gotten himself caught in his own trap. He had built a wall around himself in New York. That place had taught him to be hard and invulnerable and it taught him well. He tried hard not to care what other people told him to do or thought, and most of the time he did the opposite just to spite them. Everyone wanted him to be somebody or do something different, and it got to the point where he couldn't breathe, he didn't have the room to step back and realize what he wanted to do for himself. He was so caught up in his own game he didn't even realize what he was doing.
But Rory made him feel things he had never felt before. Her smile alone could crack the walls he had built around himself. He didn't quite know what to do with that feeling. He didn't know how to have those kind of feelings.
He didn't think about her all the time anymore. Not the way he used to. He used to sit in here for hours and just wonder how to get her out of his head. But time passed and he learned to live without her. He could get by most weeks without thinking of her.
He didn't change a whole lot when he was with her, not as much as she deserved, but that's where it started. Not because she asked, because she never would. Everything about her was just infectious.
He still had a hell of a lot of growing up to do after he had left, but he liked to think she gave him whatever it was that helped him through it. Her and Luke that was.
Luke had changed him in a different way. He had a certain respect for Luke, even if he didn't show it while he had lived there. But the night before he left Stars Hollow, that had changed him the most. The more he thought about, the more what Luke had said dug into him. And it made him not want to be that kid who was mad at the world with a chip on his shoulder never letting anyone give him a chance. He didn't want to be the guy that worked 40 hours a week at a job he hated for a hundred dollar bonus or the guy in the back of the classroom who raved about Steely Dan.
Hindsight is one of the more ironic catch 22's of the world.
And so he learned how to live with himself. Getting away from it all gave him the perspective he needed to process it and realize what it meant. He had changed over the years. He had grown.
He leaned his head against the wall, and stared up at the ceiling he couldn't see.
He wondered what Rory was doing right now. He wondered if he would ever stop wondering that. She had most likely graduated. From Yale. He wished he could feel proud of her. And he probably would have if he knew anything about her life, if he was any way a part of it. But it was his own fault he wasn't.
Was she making it big as the hottest new reporter at USA Today, or was she interning and working her way up at The New Yorker? Or was she spending her last summer at home in Stars Hallow, enjoying the crazy festivals one last time before she embarked on a crazy overseas assignment. Maybe she was sitting at Luke's, right now, reminiscing about that boy who used to work there.
And he wondered about Luke, about the diner. He wondered if Luke and Lorelai had finally worked everything out, or if he had settled down with Nicole and maybe he had a cousin. He shook his head, he couldn't imagine Luke with a kid. And then he found himself wondering about all the other crazy people who inhabited that crazy town, for god knows what reason. He hadn't thought about them in a really long time. Did Ms Patty still teach dance? Was Kirk still insane? Was Taylor still driving the town crazy? He wondered if Luke had killed Taylor yet and how he might have gotten away with it.
And he could feel the restlessness start to overtake him. It started in his stomach and spread through his whole body until he could feel it in every muscle. This was it. He had to do something.
He wondered if this was how his father had felt on his fishing boat in Maine or in an apartment in Chicago. Or sitting in his car in New York 22 years ago.
He could stay and continue to wonder about those things, about Rory, about Luke, for the rest of his life. Or he was going to go and find out the answers.
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The sun shown through the partially open blinds creating lines of light throughout the room. The elongated spaces of brightness made the rest of the room look dull and sad in comparison. The birds were awake and talking excitedly, and loudly, about whatever it is that birds talk about, waking up many of those who had planned to sleep through the morning.
This day was cooler than the last. The air was crisper than normal and filled with promise. The sky was blue, not a cloud in the sky.
Jess surveyed his room, making sure he wasn't leaving anything important behind. Grabbing the last book from under his bed, he slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and walked into the living room.
Sasha, Jimmy, and Lily sat at the kitchen table talking and eating breakfast. Jimmy heard Jess exit his room and called out to him, "Hey, what time you working today? Cause I need - " he cut short as Jess entered the kitchen and everyone looked at him in the doorway. They noticed the bag slung over his shoulder and continued to stare.
After almost a minute, Jimmy broke the silence, "You packed your bag." It was a statement, one which held the question and the answer he was looking for.
Jess bit back his sarcastic remark about stating the obvious and nodded, "Yeah. I did."
"You leaving?" Lily asked.
"I think so." He considered his last statement and clarified, "I mean, yeah, I guess I am."
Lily stood up and walked over to him. "Why?"
"I have some stuff I need to figure out. Things I need to find out. Things I need to try to fix."
"Anything we can do?" Sasha asked.
He shook his head. "Nah, I gotta do this myself." She nodded in understanding.
He was never good at goodbyes. Which is probably why he usually left without them. "So, anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, for everything. I know I was asking a lot when I started staying here." He paused. "So thanks."
Lily wrapped her arms around him and held him in a hug. Unsure of this display of affection, he tentatively placed his arms around her before picking her up and holding her.
"Are you ever gonna come back?" she asked.
He looked over her shoulder at Sasha and Jimmy who were watching them. "It's definetly not out of the question."
When he set her down, Sasha walked over and gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek. She smiled at him. "I'm proud of you. You did good here. You're welcome anytime." With that turned to Lily. "You wanna run to the market with me Lil?"
"Can we get pop tarts?" she asked hopefully.
"Sure thing." She grabbed the keys off the counter and with one last wave at Jess vacated the apartment.
Jimmy was still sitting in the same spot at the kitchen table. He awkwardly stood up. "So, this is it."
Jess nodded, "Looks like it."
"It was an interesting ride."
"That it was."
"Thanks."
Jess knitted his eyebrows in confusion. "Thanks?"
"Yeah. For not busting my balls. For giving me the chance to know you."
"Yeah. You too."
They both stood staring at their shoes for a minute, before Jimmy finally reached over and pulled Jess into a hug. It was awkward, but it was what it was, and it was father and son hugging. "Take care of yourself, kid. Let's not wait another 18 years to see each other again, okay?"
Jess nodded as he pulled away, "Sounds like a plan."
As Jess turned to leave, Jimmy called after him, "Where you headed?"
He stopped and turned his head slightly as he said it out loud for the first time, "I think that's what I'm trying to figure out."
